I fantasize about killing people in extreme detail. My most recent “fantasy” (I don’t prefer saying fantasize because I feel that people assume I like it.) was of me going to school with a gun and a camera and I would go to my home room class and close and lock the door behind me. I have everyone get into a corner and ask them what they think their problems are (I am recording from this point on). When they get done telling me I go through and tell them their problems. I kill them one by one and then point the camera at myself. I go about talking about my own problems and then kill myself. I don’t feel that I would ever do this I’m just wondering if this much detail is normal.

A. Your fantasies are abnormal and potentially dangerous. The most dangerous aspect of fantasies is that they allow the preplanning of an event. At this time, you have not carried out this plan but it is concerning that you are preoccupied with such violence. I would highly recommend that you report these fantasies to your parents or the school administrators so that you could receive the proper mental health treatment.

Having a fantasy is not illegal. You have done nothing wrong but your fantasy is indicative of the fact that something is troubling you. Often, people who fantasize about harming others feel out of control or powerless. Their fantasies often involve a situation in which they are in complete power. These fantasies might be a way to compensate for a perceived lack of power.

By telling your parents or school administrators, they can assist you in gaining access to mental health treatment. Counseling would allow you to uncover what is wrong and why you would want to hurt people. It can also help you to correct your thinking and feel better about yourself and your abilities. Please do not ignore my advice. Seek help immediately. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice Blog

I spent last winter in an apathetic state where I completely lost interest in things that were important to me and I avoided interacting with friends at all costs. I spent my days distracting myself with videos and mindless things. At the start of this year I started to feel better. My writer’s block wore off and I felt like I could relate to others again. Mid February I broke down into tears one night for no reason, alone in my room. Nothing had triggered it, but on and off after that I had more cry spells and I felt terrible some days. I couldn’t sleep.

Lately these feelings have been building up more frequently, and sometimes I become very sad in public, and I feel as if I can’t hold it in. My health has also suffered. I get sick easily when I get no sleep, I’ve had migraines lasting several hours to a couple days and muscle cramps randomly during the day. I don’t feel like I can trust anyone enough to tell them about how I’ve been feeling. I have no close friends; I’d reduced contact with all of them when university started because I didn’t like being around other people. I know that even if I were close to any of them, I still couldn’t tell them. I’m able to socialize easily with others, but I can’t trust easily.

All the things that didn’t bother me before are affecting me now, and I feel like I’m alienating myself around strangers. Lately I’ve been having thoughts about suicide, even though I know I would never act upon them. I’m distracted at school and at work, and I think of myself as a lost cause that’s not worth the motivation. I really want to beat this on my own and am hesitant about approaching a school counselor, even though I’ve felt bad enough to have thought about it. I want to believe that this is a short term, temporary thing, but I have no idea

A. You are not a “lost cause.” You, in all likelihood, have depression. It’s reoccurring and it seems that your episodes are worse with each reoccurrence. The fact that you’re considering suicide is evidence of the seriousness of your condition.

You have been suffering with this condition for at least a year. It is degrading your life to a significant degree. You’ve been hesitant about seeking help but you should not be. You should not have waited this long to seek help. You should have sought help when you first began to notice the depression. I’ve noticed that sometimes people believe that they have to wait until their symptoms are severe “enough” before they receive help. Ideally, one should receive help upon the emergence of troublesome symptoms. The sooner the better.

Sometimes people also believe, like you, that is important to solve one’s own problems. Perhaps it’s due to pride. It may be due to the fact that some people feel stigmatized by seeking psychological treatment. In their view, the fact that they sought professional help is a sign that they are a failure. Nothing could be further from the truth. There shouldn’t be any hesitancy to seek professional help. Mental health professionals specialize in the very problems with which you suffer. Depression is also very treatable. Don’t wait any longer to receive help. Approach the school counselor immediately and report all of your symptoms. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice

I am very confused right now. I don’t know if I am happy because I always feel like something is missing in my life and I know I shouldn’t ask for more. I was adopted when I was 3 years old by a single middle aged woman, she’s often not home due to work and we’re not in good terms. I was told I was adopted when I was younger. My grandma always talks about how bad my father is and how he destroyed my real mother’s life. I thought that she was exaggerating first but when I met him, he wasn’t what I thought he should be. The idea of a father is not him at all. He has a new wife that said and my other siblings are with him. I hated him more, because my mother died of giving birth and here he is having a new wife. I don’t want to talk to men or adults because I figured that they’re the same as my father-selfish. When I started in highschool I came to conclusion that they’re not all the same. So I tried talking to them at least but still have problems talking to them sometimes. I have friends but sometimes I feel that we’re not friends, because they don’t understand me. Maybe because they have a complete family and they’re happy. I never really cried to them, and anyways they’re so slow so they will never understand that. I always cry alone, I dunno why.. out of loneliness or envy? It’s just that my life is better now than from my father but why do I seem to want to be reborn and have a normal happy family?

A: It’s understandable that you are looking for reasons for your unhappiness but you’re looking in all the wrong places. Your adoptive mom works to support you both. You have as “normal” a family as anyone else does. Very, very few families look and act like the families you see on reruns of old 1950s and ’60s sitcoms (you know: Mom in dress and pearls, Dad in suit, two to three kids all happy, happy, happy). Your father probably is more complicated than you give him credit for. All men are not alike. But you’re a smart girl. You know all that.

So let’s get to your question: Why are you are confused, alone, and unhappy? Partly it’s because you are going through the normal adjustment of adolescence. I know. That’s not a very satisfactory answer. But the truth is that your body is changing and most kids go through emotional turmoil while that is happening – at least for a little while. You don’t have much control over that piece – although you could talk to your doctor to make sure everything is going normally. Sometimes a thyroid imbalance, for example, makes things worse.

The other piece, you do have control over. You are alone and lonely because you’re not with people. However shy you may be, the “cure” is to get involved in something that you really care about with other people. Do you love animals? Maybe there’s an animal rescue group near you. Are you interested in music? Join a chorus or start a band. Do you love working with kids? Think about getting involved with an after-school program or some other activity where you could work with little ones. Are you interested in kids with special needs? I bet there’s an organization near you that works with them. By giving of yourself and by working side by side with others, you’ll start to find people who are more like you and meaning for your life.

Meanwhile, you also have some control over your relationship with your mother. Find two or three positive things to say to her every day — regardless of whether you think she deserves it. By going to work every day, she is providing for you. She adopted you because she really, really wanted you. She didn’t have to do it. She’s probably as confused and upset about your relationship as you are. You are both dealing with the teen years for the very first time. You’re both learning. Most parents have just as difficult of a time with it as their kids do, though in different ways. If you take the initiative and work to change the tone in your house a bit, you may be surprised and pleased with what happens.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

Hi, I am one of four sisters and have four brothers. We are a total of eight siblings. My father past away almost six years ago and so did my grandmother from my mother’s side. My mother was left to care for us all. She has never responsible to pay the bills in the house her responsibility was cook, clean and take care of her children. She has diabetes. After my father past away it has been horrible. Since my mother doesn’t work she received benefits for the 3 younger children. Social security and disability she also received Medicaid, food stamps and Section 8 Housing. She now lives with my four younger siblings. Without this help I don’t know where my mother would be. She has always struggled paying her bills on time and having enough food in the house. Me and my oldest sister are renting an apartment therefore we are not living there anymore. My oldest sister and I have helped her with everything talking to her, giving her advice; also financially we have helped her. My mother allows my little brother to miss school he hasn’t gone in like two weeks or more and he’s only in sixth grade. He doesn’t like to go and has had problems with bullying. I am afraid something bad may happen. Also my little sister that is eighteen dropped out at the age of sixteen and is now working part time. The seventeen year old is doing really bad in school with bad grades. Me and my older sister have given her a lot of advice and have tried helping everyone but it’s only so much we can do. My oldest sister and I are now working full time and currently attending college. I don’t want my family separated. I really want to help her but I have exhausted all my efforts. My sister and I have tried asking her to give us the checks she received so we can manage all her bills but she does not want to. No one else in the family wants to help. My two oldest brothers have their families and they are low income as well. My mother has an inspection coming up soon and it doesn’t seem like she’s taking it seriously. If she doesn’t pass this second time she is in jeopardy in losing the house. Please help me.

A. I’m sorry that you are faced with these problems. There are no easy solutions. As you noted on several occasions in your letter, there’s only so much that you can do. You cannot force your mother to be more responsible. You can’t change who she is. You also can’t force someone to do things that they refuse to do. Unfortunately, your mother’s unwillingness to change may lead to her losing the house and putting other family members in jeopardy. It is also possible that children and youth services will intervene in the case of your brother not attending school. The reality is that your power to effect change in this situation is limited.

You are doing all that you can do. The idea that you are doing everything within your power and yet problems still arise is a very helpless feeling but that is the reality of the situation.

Despite your very difficult upbringing, you managed to move out of your home and begin college. This is evidence of your resiliency.

I hope that your family situation improves but the reality is it might not. It’s important that you brace for this very real possibility. It’s never easy to be faced with these types of situations. It’s akin to watching a car wreck in slow motion. It’s unbearable to watch, especially when you realize that no matter how much you want to help your loved ones, there’s little or nothing you can do. For those reasons, I would encourage you to begin counseling. Counseling could assist you in determining your role in the family. It could also provide much-needed emotional support. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice

My boyfriend believes im taking him for granted. We both moved from our place in AZ to chicago(him) and boston(me), due to economical issues. Our priorities are different, his is money mine is school. Im currently unemployed looking for a job and im in school fulltime, he is working and taking care of both of our needs, he feels im taking him for granted because my main priority is school and not work and he is working for both of us. he is asking me to quit school so i can find a full time job and move to chicago with him. i dont want to quit school, and i try to show him i appreciate what hes doing for me, but its not enough for him, he feels the only way for me to show him i care is by getting a job, and quitting school, but i dont want to do that, school is important to me, were both young, 22yrs old and i feel now is the time to go to school, he doesnt want to go to school and have a job, he thinks its impossible. HELP!!

A: I’m not at all sure that you and your boyfriend can bridge these differences. Your priorities in life are so different and he is supporting you in something he doesn’t believe in. You two don’t have mutual goals or a mutual understanding about how to meet them.. I worry that your boyfriend is giving you an ultimatum rather than working with you to come up with a mutually agreeable solution.

You are not “taking advantage.” There are many couples where one is working on education and the other is working for pay. Some of these couples take turns going to school and working to support the couple. In couples where one person is more invested in school, some working partners see their doing the paid work as “investing” in the future of the couple. Presumably your education will eventually result in a higher salary for you. The problem in your relationship is that your boyfriend can’t expand his vision to see your education as a contribution to your mutual future.

Your financial dependence on your boyfriend is confusing the issues between you. I think you need to find another way to support your schooling. Talk to the financial aid counselor at your college. See if there are work-study options or grants to help you. If you are attending a very expensive school, you might want to do your freshman and sophomore years at a community college to cut down expenses. Boston is a very, very expensive city to live in. You might want to consider going to one of the community colleges that is in central or western Massachusetts and take a part-time job to manage your living expenses. Many students manage with school loans and part-time work.

Once you are financially independent of your boyfriend, you could see if the two of you can make a go of it. If he isn’t your biggest fan in your pursuit of your goals and you don’t respect his choices, he may not be the guy for you. If, however, you can each be in loving support of the other as you both launch yourself into full adulthood, you may be able to make the relationship work.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

I am a sixteen year old female and throughout my life, I have moved cities very often and been to 6 different schools in 11 years of education due to my father’s career choice. Because I have moved around so much, it is very hard for me to make close friends now and to generally trust people. I don’t like making close friends because all I’ve ever known was that people always leave and they don’t keep their promises. I have no true friends that I’ve known for a while. I also have a hard time expressing my emotions such as sadness or pain to others. I’d rather keep everything to myself. How can I change this? I would really like to allow myself to become close friends with the friends I currently have.

Additionally, whenever I feel like I am getting too close someone, i tend to try to ruin the friendship by being over-bearing and acting on impulses. I would really like to know how can I let myself get close to people without feeling the need to shut them out and to pull away

A: What you are describing is very common in teens who have been moved about a lot because of a parent’s job or service in the military. It’s hard to settle into a friendship when you know you may be moving in a year or two. Many kids protect themselves from the hurt of leaving by never connecting. Sadly, that strategy means that you never get to have the kind of intimate friends that every teen wants and needs.

The good news for you is that you are part of the media generation. It used to be that once a family left town, it would be rare for young people to see each other again. Now, thanks to Skype, Facebook, and email, it’s really easy to keep in touch and for relationships to continue to develop even if you move 1000 kilometers away. Media contact can help you bridge the distance until you can arrange a shared holiday visit. I know of many friendships and several romantic relationships that are functioning this way very well.

Whether you get closer to the friends you have is a decision. It won’t happen automatically. It won’t happen because of fate or because the stars align in some particular way. You’re going to have to do things a bit differently. That means taking some risks with your feelings. It means letting others see who you really are. Yes, you’ll sometimes get hurt. That’s part of having relationships. But nothing hurts as much as loneliness and isolation.

Trust your instincts. Choose a couple of people who you know in your heart are kind and friendly. Then start slowly letting them get to know you. Keep it light at first. Find ways to have fun together and to talk about things that are important to you both. As you get more comfortable, open up more. If you do, I think you’ll find that it will feel more and more natural. You just have to do it enough to get yourself used to being closer. At 16, I’m reasonably sure that you have what it takes to work on it.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

I’m starting to think there is something wrong with who I am. People seem to act coldly and distantly towards me. The group of friends that I call myself a part of don’t seem to want to be around me – I only see them at school, they often make plans to go out as a group, which I only find out about after they have already been done. They openly talk about ‘the fun they all had’ over the weekend in front of me. They don’t contact me outside of school. I have tried making new friends, but people tend to treat me weirdly when I talk to them and this has made me nervous about initiating conversations. I think it’s my fault, somehow, that they see something about me that I don’t realise and this makes me undesirable to be around.

I never really noticed it before, but I think it has been happening for my entire high school career. Now that I know, I am comparing my behaviour with everyone around me, seeing myself as ugly even though I didn’t before, and I have trouble sleeping because I lie awake in bed at night, considering all that is wrong with me that makes people not like me.

I know that I sound pathetic, but that’s not my aim. It’s like nothing I say or do comes across the way I want it to. I’m starting to dislike myself, and occasionally I will apologise to myself in the mirror for being the way I am.

I also think my teachers don’t like me, because I am quiet and I never participate in class and because I act very strangely. I get good marks, though, so I don’t know.

I think it goes without saying that I have never been in a romantic relationship.

A. To answer your question directly, there’s nothing wrong with who you are. You may be experiencing depression. You are beginning to dislike yourself. You see yourself as “ugly” and “undesirable.” You are blaming yourself for the behavior of others and assuming that you’re the problem in all situations.

People with depression don’t think highly of themselves. Their view of the world is negative and pessimistic. They tend to see themselves as a burden, believing that others would be better off without them. That line of thinking can lead someone to isolate and withdraw from the social world.

Your assessment of this situation may be inaccurate. Depression clouds judgment. You could benefit from therapy. A therapist would objectively analyze your life and determine what treatment is most appropriate. A therapist will assess your social situations, your friendships and the way you interact with others. He or she will also determine whether or not you have depression and if the symptoms are interfering with your relationships and social situations. It’s important to proactively begin treatment when distressing symptoms emerge. This problem can be easily corrected with the assistance of the right therapist and treatment. I hope you will consider professional help. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice Blog

Well I get bullied like CRAZY people throw apples at my head on the bus i get called a whale, useless, SPED (i am not special),ranga, faggot and most of the things you could think of.
My parents have told me they wish i was never born and even they call me useless and things makes me feel worthless because our parents should love us and care. When i tell my mother about being bullied she tells me to just learn to deal with it because she doesnt care my dad doesnt either.
I have a teacher at school i have been wanting to talk to but i get too scared she has asked me a few times if i was okay and what was wrong but i just say the usual im fine but im not im dying inside and it is starting to show on the outside.
So i mainly need help with telling my teacher EVERYTHING but im more scared about the home thing because i cant stand it much longer. it is school holidays for two weeks we are only three days in and im already going crazy :(
Thanks

A: I am so, so very sorry that you are being tormented at school and not supported at home. Sadly, not every kid gets the parent she deserves. You aren’t getting the love and the protection you need. You are not wrong to be angry and sad about it. But I’m sorry to say that you can’t make people love you who have big problems with loving. I wrote an article for kids like you that you might find helpful. Click here to read it.

When parents aren’t able to do what they should, it’s important to find other adults who care. You already have a teacher who is concerned. If you are too shy to talk to her directly, you could give her a copy of your letter and this response. She won’t be able to make your parents do what they should but she may be able to help you sort things out at school. If she can help you feel safe in school, you’ll have at least one place where you can grow into the mature and competent person you are meant to be.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

This is my first year in college i didn’t like it i found it very boring and i don’t know what to do know or how to tell to my parents about it i had a depression last year i’ve seen a therapist for 6 months but when i graduate from high school i felt okey and i stoped the treatment but this year everything went wrong and i didn’t do well in college i need your help.

A. For many people, the first year of college is especially difficult. Difficulty arises for many reasons but often it’s because of unrealistic expectations about college. There is often an incongruence between what they thought college was “supposed” be like and what college is actually like. Preconceived notions about “the college experience” often lead to disappointment.

College is a major change from high school, especially when an individual moves away from their home and family. Many people feel homesick, lonely, inadequate about their ability to perform adequately in the academic setting, and depressed. They may not adjust well to the new experience. These experiences are common and fortunately, can be overcome.

Maybe you’re not adjusting well because you had the wrong expectations about college. Perhaps you chose the wrong college, the wrong major, and so forth. Before making any important decisions about college, first meet with a mental health professional at the college counseling center. College counseling center services are free and confidential. A therapist could assist you in deciding how to proceed.

I would also recommend meeting with academic specialists on campus. Most universities have exceptionally well-developed services for students experiencing difficulty with their studies. Utilize the services that are available to you on campus.

Finally, I would also encourage you to inform your parents about how you feel. It is important that they know so that they can support and assist you. The more support you have the better you will feel. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice Blog

Okay, my mother, who is 63, doesn’t do anything for herself and this is causing major issues for me. She behaves as though she is 83 instead of 63. My father passed in 2000 and she went to bed for 6 months and I had to take care of everything. She finally got a job and worked for many years, but that was all she did. She would go to work come home and go to bed. So I was still taking care of everything while I had a job. Then she realized she could retire early and did so at age 60.

Now she just lies in bed all the time. She does not bathe, she doesn’t clean except to do dishes and cook after I have gone to the store and purchased food, she even put me on her checking account so I could take care of the bills.

I was laid off during the economic downturn and decided to go back to school and get a second degree which I am working on now and will be graduating soon. I want to leave and go to grad school but I don’t see how I can when she refuses to take care of herself. I don’t even know that moving out would help because she fully expects me to come back and take care of her, she has said this. Her favorite phrase is “I’m not able to” and I KNOW that therapy is not an option.

If she found out that I was even telling someone all this she would get very angry. Which is another issue as well. She gets worked up when I try to have a conversation with cousins or my brother that she cannot hear, even when they are not about her at all. I have no help. My brother, who is considerably younger than me, will not help and I can’t blame him. My extended family is also sick of her hateful, rude and mean behavior, so they will not help either. She lies and tells people she’s had 2 strokes when she told me that a CAT scan showed nothing of the sort, so I know that when I leave I’m going to be abandoning her, at least according to my family. She has always been this way, when my father was alive he took care of everything and she went to work and came home and laid around the rest of the day. I started grocery shopping when I was 12 because dad was tired from working in a factory all day and mom certainly wasn’t going to do anything.

I don’t know what to do. I know that I can get into a good Grad School but I won’t get any support. I was just starting to have the conversation with my parents about moving out on my own when my dad passed, and now here I am middle aged and still at home. Which makes people think that it’s because I’m a loser and I don’t want to leave mommy. Which couldn’t be further from the truth! I am desperate to leave and have been for many years, but I am afraid that my family will fall apart if I do.

I’ve tried reading literature on co-dependency but it doesn’t seem to fit this situation. I don’t know how to handle this. I could just leave, but what would happen then? If I stay my life will be trying to have a life while continuing to take care of a woman that could take care of herself. My family says to just cut ties and go, of course they add that I need a man to do this, which is just ridiculous, I’ve had boyfriends (they think I haven’t because they don’t stay involved in my life long enough to know and because I live at home) and I don’t need a savior, I just need advice on how to resolve this so I can move on. I’ve already been cheated out of getting married and having a “normal” life because of this, and I’m fine with that, I don’t know if I can forgive mom completely but I CAN move on!

A: Yes, you can move on – and should. This isn’t doing either one of you any good. You and your mother may not be co-dependent but it sounds like she may have a dependent personality disorder. First she was dependent on your dad. Now that he’s gone, she’s put you right into the slot in her life that your dad used to fill. She has been so indulged in this way of operating that she may be terrified of being on her own. She may be in a prolonged grief reaction, partly grieving your father and partly grieving the life she had. And she may be seriously depressed.

I don’t have enough information to make a diagnosis. But I do have enough information to see that you’ve been gradually seduced into thinking you are stuck. Your mother has you convinced she can’t live without you. The rest of the family is guilting you into staying put because they are happy to not have to deal with the situation as long as you are there.

Ask yourself realistically what the worst case scenario would be if you announced that you were going to grad school in the fall and everyone should get used to the idea. So what if your mother gets angry. No one ever died of being mad. So what if she doesn’t go shopping. At some point, she’ll get hungry. She’ll either order takeout or she’ll call on one of the other relatives.

To handle the anger: If she starts raging, you could just say something like, “I’m sorry this upsets you but your anger won’t change my mind. If you can calm down, we can talk about it but if you can’t, I’ll leave until you can have a reasonable conversation with me.” If she calms down, then have your conversation. If she doesn’t, then state calmly, and clearly, something like, “I see you’re not ready to talk to me. Let me know when you can” and go about your business. The key is not to either add your noise to hers by being angry or to respond with guilt. Stay clear and firm but kind.

If the rest of the family accuses you of abandonment, you don’t need to feel guilty. You can calmly just point out what everyone knows – that your mother is fully capable of caring for herself. Remind your brother and whoever else is offering an opinion that if they are so worried, they are welcome to take a turn at being caretakers, that you’ve done it for a very long time.

Finally: Please get yourself into some therapy. You need someone to help you deprogram yourself. As you pointed out, you’ve been part of this drama since you were 12 years old. It’s going to take more than a couple of helpful hints from me to help you break out. You need someone to encourage you and to provide you with practical advice along the way.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

I feel as though I cannot communicate with anyone, it’s not that I do not want to…I can’t. I can’t think of anything to say to start a conversation, sometimes if I’m lucky ill get a conversation going but then random negative thoughts just come back into my head, I get flustered, and the conversation goes back to nothing and I am once again awkward. I mean the thoughts are negative don’t get me wrong but a lot of the time I spend trying to figure out what is wrong with me, evaluating myself. I know this is a main part of the problem but I can’t help it, I cant just stop the thoughts, they just happen. I was once the type of person who could talk to anyone, was friends with everyone, I had my main group of friends but if I wanted to could call up a random person I havn’t seen in a while and go hang out and just shoot the s**t I could, now if I tried to do that even with my close friends it is just awkward, I don’t know what the f**k is wrong with me, it kills me every day. All that I wish to do is have fun and be happy, but I can’t, something is restricting me completely. I cannot concentrate either, for example, the first couple of sentences I wrote, I wrote right away without thinking, now I keep spacing out and going into my thoughts.

I want to be who I was, funny, confident, charming, a bit of a troublemaker. Now I just feel unhappy, awkward, I always have this band around my head that makes me feel uncomfortable, I always have a headache, I get panic attacks now. No one can understand the pain and agony a person with whatever disorder I have goes through. I would not wish this on my worst enemy, I stay up til 5 am just thinking, I have the tv on but I’m not paying attention to that. I don’t want to tell my mom, my grandpa just got diagnosed with lung cancer and I don’t want to make her worry anymore than she already is. I know I feel emotions but I cannot express them, for instance, I am truly sad over my grandfather getting lung cancer and I know I should be there for him, he has always wanted to play the guitar with me and I know that would be a great thing to do but I can’t get myself to go. How pathetic is that!? It makes me feel like I’m the biggest douche in the world but I honestly just don’t know why I can’t. All I want is to be normal again. Is that so much to ask for?

I am not suicidal, maybe if I didn’t have a family or anything I would be suicidal. I think it would be very selfish if I were to kill myself and make my friends and family suffer.

A. This problem is obviously causing you a great deal of distress. Ideally, it would be best to interview you in person. It seems as though you’re having difficulty communicating and concentrating. Was there a traumatic event, a medical illness, or a recent major change in your life that may be contributing to this problem? Did this change happen suddenly or is it something that developed gradually?

It would be interesting to know if others have also noticed this change. I mention that because you are making judgments about your abilities that may be inaccurate. You may feel that you are not communicating well. Remember, feeling that something is true doesn’t mean it is true.

I would recommend being evaluated by a mental health professional. The advantage of seeing a mental health professional is in receiving an objective assessment. A psychotherapist could also assist you in addressing your communication and concentration problems, analyze your interactions with others and provide relationship advice. You may also want to be evaluated by a physician to rule out a medical cause. The problem that you have described is less likely to be coming from a medical cause but it should still be evaluated by a physician. The doctor can also determine if medication would help with your symptoms. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice Blog

suggestions to improve son’s obsessive compulsion with the computer games. Doesn’t relate to anything other than computer. It is taking over his life and as a family we wonder if removing the computer for a month is a good idea. He has Aspergers. What can we do to engage him in other parts of life?

A: This is a concern for many, many parents these days. Of course you should do all you can to engage him in other activities. But I don’t think just removing the computer is going to do much good. Most kids will have a major tantrum if you separate them from the gaming and “friends” they have online. Weaning away by setting some limits is more likely to be successful.

Before you try to enforce some new rules for computer use, do think about why your son is spending so much time in a virtual reality. Does he have friends to hang out with? Is he having difficulties in school? Is he withdrawing from the family and the social world because he is depressed, socially anxious, or avoiding what he sees as social or academic failure? If so, he may need to see a counselor to help him figure out how to manage his problems instead of avoiding them.

On the other hand, you say he has a diagnosis of Aspergers. Often, kids with Aspergers have a very narrow range of interests. What looks like OCD is actually a feature of the autism spectrum. It may be that his “obsession” with the video games is an expression of that rather than a social or psychological problem.

I’m concerned that you and your son aren’t getting enough support to help him through the teen years. Often the special education department in schools provides individual instruction in social skills and time management as well as academics for students on the spectrum. Often, that same department can also provide some guidance for parents. In some cases, there are parent support groups for parents of kids with Aspergers and other differences.

Please seek out whatever help may be available. Then take it from there.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

I am coming to this site for a few reasons. My roommate and good friend is a psychology student. He fears that I may have some psychological issues that stem from a wide variety of childhood abuse I endured at a young age. Since I’m young and on my own, I can’t really afford professional help, but I don’t want to scare myself with information on the internet that doesn’t cater to my exact situation.

As a young child, I was sexually and physically abused by my father on a regular basis. My mother was also physically abusive towards me, but was in prison the majority of my childhood. My father abandoned me and I was left with my maternal grandparents when I was 9. They kind of let me do whatever, and weren’t abusive, but didn’t always see that my needs were met.

I never thought that in later years, these things would come back to haunt me. Through much of my teenage years I brushed off the negative feelings I had as “teen angst” and assumed it would eventually go away. Since the age of ten however, I have self-harmed, had issues with my body appearance, and even attempted suicide. I am always anxious, and more recently, I have began to have awful night terrors that wake me up in a sweat. It has been almost a decade, and these problems are taking a huge toll on me in my attempt to lead a normal adult life.

I’m not sure how to handle the pain I go through on a daily basis. I’m not sure whether any psychological problems could be the result of the abuse I endured either. I have told myself time and time again “I’ll get over it” or I felt stupid for feeling this way over things that happened over a decade ago. I never honestly thought it was a big deal. But with my roommate insisting that my childhood could be the cause of these symptoms I’m having, I thought I would ask a professional for help.

A. There is a good chance that the problems you are currently experiencing stem from your abusive childhood. Your childhood was characterized by abuse, neglect and abandonment. The very people who were supposed to love, care and protect you harmed you and abandoned you. Thankfully you had your grandparents who did the best they could but still fell short.

You stated that you feel “stupid” for feeling the way you do but you shouldn’t. What happened to you was not your fault. No one easily “gets over” an abusive childhood. Your formative years were damaged by your parents. Having had an abusive childhood does not mean that you are irreparably damaged. There is damage from childhood for many people, if not most. The degree of damage varies but nonetheless the damage must be corrected. Therapy is a corrective process.

If you’re in college, then in all likelihood you can receive free psychological services through the counseling center. It would be advantageous for you to see a therapist to deal with the psychological pain that is degrading your life. It would be ill-advised to ignore your psychological pain or attempt to deal with it on your own. Psychotherapists are trained to deal with the very problems with which you struggle. Seeking professional psychological help would be the most efficient way to deal with this problem. Many people who are in counseling are dealing with issues that stem from childhood. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice Blog

So I have had a harsh childhood, I would say. My parents got divorced when I was young. I think my mother did drugs or something, I really never knew why they got divorced. I’ve had a total of three step moms and I don’t like any of them. I’ve kind of been with my dad all my life.

When I had my first step mom she was cruel she always yelled at me. She had her own son, and I thought of him as my little brother. I had been calling her my mother I was with her about three or four years and I had a harsh time with her. She always made me do all the hard work in the house, and my dad wasn’t home he was always working. The cruelest memory I remember of her is her throwing a shoe at my face and she always made me do lots of things for her and her son. Then time passed and she left. I had stayed with my Aunt, and she was nicer then my first step mother.

Time passed and my dad met some other lady, and she became my second stepmother. I didn’t live with her but she wasn’t that cruel, she always had a smile on her face. The thing that bothers me the most was that she always gave me so much pressure. She had two daughters with her, and she kind of always told me to take care of them or something. Time passed again and my second stepmother and father, weren’t interested in each other. Then I once again stayed with aunt. My dad had to do work in Utah, so I rarely saw him.

Then he came for me and told me we were going to move to Utah. I was excited about it, but then I saw that he had a new girlfriend, who I was scared and she also had a son. Then time again past and they had a child; right now he’s three. Which really bothered me because I’ve had so many step siblings, I’m scared because I’ve always have to take care and do lots of responsibilities which I’m so tired of! So I met her and she became my third stepmother. So now today I’m with her, and we don’t get along. My stepbrother and I always fight, (That’s why all siblings do) the thing that bothers me the most is that my stepmother always believes him and I always end up saying “But that never happened” “Let me talk about my side of the story”. My stepbrother always teases me, and when I say just one little thing, he goes with his mom and tells her and I get in trouble. All the bad things he does, I end up responsible for whatever mess he did. I’ve had excellent grades, and recently they’ve been okay, but the anger bothers me. She always talks to adults and tells them how horrible I am.

My teachers love me, and I love them too, and she wants to tell them how evil I am. My stepmother always thinks she right. I always feel like she always makes thing up and tell my father all the “bad” things I do. He sometimes believes her and I get punished. My dad always tells me to tell him the truth, but he doesn’t believe me. He thinks he understands me when he doesn’t! He tells me that I can trust, when in reality I can’t. I’ve never had the confidence to tell him how I feel. To me sometimes he isn’t a father to me just a stranger. I always try to get along with my stepmother, but she always negative with me. When my dad around and we have an argument and I say the truth she always says “Shut up” and I can’t say what right. I know for sure that my stepmother doesn’t love me. She never supports me in things I do. I love doing community work/service and she doesn’t let me do it unless it’s required, which really pisses me off. She always makes fun of me and then my dad tags along with her. They always hold everything against me. The only times I have to cry or feel peace, is when I either go to the bathroom or think about me awful life or when I throw the trash away. I have my most trusted teacher who I talk to about my problems. I’ve told some of my friends of some of my problems, they think I don’t go through a lot of stuff. I just don’t have the confidence to tell any of my friends! I don’t know why.

Thank you for taking time in reading my problem. I’ve tried everything; I’m so tired of life. I just feel better to die or something. I can’t stand my parents or my stepbrothers. I may show them I love them and seem fine but in the inside I’m depressed and dying in the inside. I cry almost every night. Whatever my parents do to show me their love I know for sure I will never love my stepmoms or my dad. I know for sure I will never have anyone to call “mom”

A; Sometimes the situations we find ourselves in in life have nothing to do with the choices we’ve made or the intentions of our actions. It sounds clear that you were just a child; you had no power or influence in the dynamics of your mom and dad. It also sounds like your father’s remarriages have been difficult and unsupportive of your needs. It sounds like the first order of business is to not expect your family to give you what they do not have.

At 13 it makes sense that school and your teacher would be where you find comfort and support. While you say you have lost your most supportive teacher I think looking back in your school for a guidance counselor or teacher to talk to be exactly the right thing. Sometimes when we can’t find the love and support we need where it should be – we have to look in new places. It sounds like it is time for you to find adults and friends you can count on.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

I am a young boy. I listen to heavy metal (Ozzy Osborne and Marilyn Manson). I have a younger brother. My main problem is that I am very short (144cm) and everybody else in my age is tall, and I always think about become a king/emperor/leader and cutting off the legs of everybody who is taller than me so that they would be shorter. I cannot stop thinking about it, even in my dreams I always see blood and people without legs/people bowing down at my feet. I feel like all my “friends” secretly laugh at my height and that everybody hates me. My friends call me crazy sometimes. I also once almost killed my friend, when I was listening to music, I lost control of myself and I started strangling my best friend – I was stopped by another one of my friends and then I calmed down. My mother called me crazy for the first time when I smeared my whole face in my own blood. She thinks that I am mental and that I need to see a doctor. Am I really crazy or is it just “puberty”?

A. The behavior you describe is quite serious and not likely the result of puberty. The only way in which biology or puberty affects this situation is related to height. At 11 years old, you are “short” now but you will grow taller. Growth spurts among males typically occur between the ages of 10 and 15. Your height may not be fully determined until at least 16 or 17 years old, and maybe later.

I agree with your mother. It would be in your best interest to see a mental health professional. What’s most concerning is that you once lost control of yourself and attempted to strangle your best friend. It’s a definitive sign that you have the capacity to lose control and engage in violence. The concern is that such an event will happen again and you may seriously harm or kill another individual.

Tell your mother you wrote this letter and show her my response. Insist that she take you to see a mental health professional. Treatment can greatly assist you in learning how to cope with your emotions and to develop healthy behaviors. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice Blog