I’ve been dating my girlfriend for several months now. I only new her a few months before we started dating, but things progressed and here we are. She’s an absolutely amazing woman. She has everything I seek in a partner, except for her sexual past. I’d like to clarify that we are both 27 and both have been in relationships before.

My problem is not that she’s been with other people before me, but the actual number. I’ve always held myself to a certain standard when it comes to this, but being with her and knowing her sexual past has taken me outside of my comfort zone. Now, her sexual past is very similar to mine, but mine is slightly more promiscuous – I feel a bit of a hippocrit here, and I know it. I just can’t seem to get this out of my head because, like I said, I’m used to dating girls who haven’t been with many guys. For the record, she voluntarily gave me this information which I very much respect her for. She’s very comfortable with who she is.

She’s a very successful girl, with a great job and great family. Her parents were divorced when she was 7 or 8 due to her fathers alcohololsim. Dispite her parents divorce, she remained very close to her Dad – even her brothers and mom remain close to him.

Everything is absolutely great between us. She’s an extremely caring and loving person, and shows her love to me everyday. I’ve found lately, though, that I can’t get her history out of my head. We’ve had a discussion about it, and she was surprisingly very open to discuss, in general, her past. She was in a long relationship, six years, which was always off and on. She would date in between breakups. She would always find something wrong with the guy/or she didn’t see a future with him and break it off. She also told me she’s only had one one night stand. She dated before and after the six year break up. I know she lost her virginity at 17 which is quite normal. I guess I’m troubled that she could go through so many sexual partners, well more than I’m used to, and was in a relationship for so long. Her number was 16 before me. She knows my discomfort with this and that’s why I don’t bring it up.

I realize my thoughts are selfish, immature and insecure, but I absolutely can’t help it. I’ve always had an idea with what I’m comfortable with. I hate that I’m judging her by her past, but I can’t help it. I love her so much and I’m at the point in my life where I’m thinking about a future, and so is she for that matter. I’m worried her history will taunt me forever if I stay with her..and I just don’t want to be in a relationship like that. It’s not fair to her or me. My ultimate wish would not to think like this, to know she’s all mine because what she’s gone through has brought her to me (and likewise in my life situations to her), and that her life experience’s has molded her into the beautiful, confident and smart young woman she is. That’s what I want, but it’s not what I totally believe/understand.

My questions are
1.) How do I deal with this and accept her past so I can concentrate on just us?
2.) Why am I having these feelings/thoughts? Is it insecurity/immaturity/selfishness/passing judgement? If so, how wrong of me is? Is there a right or wrong here?
3.) Knowing myself, having a hard time letting go of things (stubbornmess), could this be something that inevitably haunts the relationship for as long as we’re together? Or is it just a speed bump that has come about because I care for her so much?

A: Thank you for writing. As you quite correctly pointed out, the problem lies not with your girlfriend but with you. At 27, you’re unlikely to find someone with as many strengths who hasn’t been with a number of partners (just as you have been). The twenties tend to be a time of finding out who you are and who you want to be with. Often that sorting means trying on different relationships, making mistakes, being hurt, and sometimes being the one who does the hurting.

Instead of maligning your own character (insecure, immature, selfish), it would be more helpful for you to look at what is keeping you from taking the next step in a relationship that is so promising. I suspect that you are unconsciously using the number of her past sexual partners as a reason to slow yourself down or to not commmit. If it were not this reason, it might well be something else. If you don’t figure out your side of this issue, you’re right to be concerned that it will continue to undermine your otherwise perfect relationship.

I can think of a couple of possibilities that may or may not be relevant since I don’t know enough about you.

Could it be that you are trying to level out the relationship is some way? Your girlfriend sounds exemplary. If you don’t feel that you are as mature and well-developed as she is, perhaps your concern about her past is a way for you to feel equal.

Could it be that you have a need to have the upper hand or to feel superior? If that is the case, it’s trouble. As you undoubtedly know, a partnership is most likely to survive and thrive when it’s based on equality.

I hope you will work on this – both for your sake and hers. You wrote a very honest and open letter and this relationship sounds so promising. If you can’t figure this all out with your girlfriend, you might find it useful to have a few sessions with a couples counselor. A counselor could help you get out of your own way. Take your email and this response with you to the first session to jumpstart the work.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

I developed an emotional attachment to a man at my gym after he showed a lot of interest in me and I eventually decided to return the interest. We became extremely attached to each other, he was very intense emotionally. We did not get to know each other slowly, the emotions drove our relationship. Over the weeks and months, as I saw him more often at the gym and interacted with him I noted that he was not making any move to take our relationship furthur in spite of our growing attachment and that he seemed very emotional to me, kind of up and down. We looked for each other all the time and I was wondering when he would take the next step. When he didn’t I realized he must be married, which was a shocker to me as he became very attached to me and displayed intense emotions of all sorts. I could not handle the not going forward and the growing sense that he was partly toying with me. Sometimes he would get angry with me if I tried to pull away from him, other times he would get angry if I tried to get too close. His emotions and behaviour seemed genuine, but quite intense. He displayed changeable,sometimes strange facial expressions it seemed to me, at times. The times he would distance himself from me he would have a strange look in his eyes of what seemed to be hatred or loathing, as if I had done something wrong. It became a toxic dance & my self-esteem suffered. I broke contact and he was very angry and hurt the last time I saw him at the gym because he knew I was ending our contact for good. Hindsight tells me he was abusive to me emotionally & I deserved to be treated honestly & with respect. I have avoided him these past months while trying to recover emotionally, and will continue to avoid him. What is your advice on what I should do if I ever come face to face with him at the gym again? Ignore him and leave? I have done some research and think this man may have Borderline Personality Disorder. All his behaviours fit,the push/pull dynamic. On top of this I do believe he’s married! Do you think him seeing me may cause him great emotional distress? I myself have suffered emotionally and certainly do not want to run into him. Thanks for any tips.

A: You’ve done well to pull yourself out of an intense but inappropriate relationship. As you know, it doesn’t matter what diagnosis he might carry. Your entanglement with him was a mutually toxic dance. My advice? You live in a large city with a gym probably on almost every block. Join a different gym! Yes. I know. You shouldn’t have to give up a place where you’re comfortable because he’s there. But your letter indicates to me that you don’t trust yourself to remain neutral when you see him. Leaving the gym you like isn’t about letting him win. It’s about saving your own emotional life. Learn what you can from the experience and move out to move on.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

My boyfriend and me have been together a little under 3 years. I am 18 and he is 19 (almost 20). Lately I’ve been living with him and his family. We decided this because we never saw each other due to our job schedule.

It was going really well, until recently. Now he won’t even talk to me. He’s joked that he is addicted to his electronics, but it doesn’t seem to be such a silly topic. Whenever he isn’t on the computer, he’s on his phone; if he’s not on his phone, he’s playing his Xbox. This I can deal with, except for the fact that it almost seems he’s using his technology to avoid communication. I feel very lonely and almost always on the verge of crying.

We used to talk about starting a life together (marriage, getting our own place, children eventually, etc.) but now that we basically live together; I guess I’ve been pushing the situation (a friend of mine, his age, just recently got engaged to a someone she’s been with a shorter time than my boyfriend & I) so maybe I feel compelled to push for marriage for that reason.

But now, if I bring it up, he ignores me. If I try to talk to him, he ignores me. If I try to have a conversation with him, he ignores me.

I feel like I need to move back in with my parents, because we were better when we weren’t always together. But I’m afraid he won’t even care, and I want him so badly to care.

I love him and I know he loves me, that much is clear. I just don’t know how to deal with this, or what to do. Is it time for space? Or what?

A: It is frustrating when our love for someone goes unrequited. But your words are powerful: “But now, if I bring it up, he ignores me. If I try to talk to him, he ignores me. If I try to have a conversation with him, he ignores me.”

If you can’t get his attention now I doubt that you will get his attention when you are married. Take his lack of attention as an indication of his commitment. If he wanted to be connected he would make more of an effort.

Yes, it is time for space. Give yourself a chance to be loved by someone who can be there for you.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

I need advice on what I should do about a guy that lives in another state. We are in a very complicated situation.
I am 16 years old and in a situation I can’t figure out to do. I moved to Indiana this year, my junior year in high school. Among the fact of moving away from all my friends, starting at a new school where after about a semester and a half I haven’t made any really good friends, but my mom made me move away from my boyfriend that I am still in love with. We broke up of course long distance relationships are hard. But I still love him and he says he still loves me and he wants me to move back when I graduate and I want to. But the thing is he has a new girlfriend, he wants me to move there and leave my life and family but he’s not willing to come move here to be with me a year sooner. I recently went and visited and we had a great time and I am ashamed but he cheated on his girlfriend, so should I even trust him? He says he’s just with her to have somebody to keep around until he can have me again. I know I’ve probably made him sound like a terrible person but he is really one of the sweetest guys I’ve ever know and I’m not just saying that because I love him. So I just need some advice on should I still talk to him and go for being him again, or just stop talking to him and try to start a new life?

A: Stop talking to him and try to start a new life. As difficult as it sounds your own insight about your options is the very thing that needs to happen. There are too many unknowns here to put too much, if any, emphasis in a relationship. Stay in touch, lament, and keep the relationship as fluid and flexible as possible, but move on. Your age is a strong factor in your resilience in coping with this loss, and your recovery. I think this will be both difficult and liberating. I encourage you to write us back and let us know how it is going.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

From Iran: My fiancé has lied to me about the most basic of things. She said she studied in the United States for her masters, and as a trusting soul I believed her. I never once asked questions regarding her past and the fact that she had studied in India before that made me think it quite probable. Then came where she lived, she said she lived in a middle class area and then I found out this was not the case, I am not a snob and do not care whether or not she and her family had money or not. But finding these things out I am starting to think she was a liar, when I questioned her about it she started crying and made me feel awful. Then she said she was 28, well me being 27 I believed her why not she doesn’t look old, then I found out she was 29, then the next day she came over and told me she was 32. At this point I have no idea what to believe and feeling why would she lie in such a way.

A: It sounds to me like your fiance doesn’t believe that she is good enough as she is. You may not be a snob but she sounds very insecure. None of her lies are harmful. She isn’t stealing or cheating or manipulating you to do things you would find shameful. She is making herself seem just a bit more educated, a little younger, and with a background that is a little more successful in order to be worthy of someone like you.

What she doesn’t seem to understand is that you love her just as she is and that these adjustments of her story make you question whether there are other, more serious things she isn’t telling you. Her efforts to make herself more acceptable to you are now doing just the opposite. She is chipping away at your trust in what she says.

If you love this woman, then compassion, not anger is the solution. Angry confrontations about her “lies” won’t solve the problem. What she needs instead is to be reassured that you love her just the way she is. I hope she has enough self-esteem to be able to take that in and accept your love.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

Being successful works against me because no one understands why I’m so insecure.
When it comes to school, work, finances, I feel like I have things together. Even though I feel like I don’t really know what I’m doing I manage to keep things together on my own and be successful. However, when it comes to relationships, I feel handicapped. In the past 5 years I finally realized that I was physically abused, emotionally abused, neglected by my parents and I let this happen to me until the age of 21 when I finally moved out after my mom cornered me and beat me up for asking her to calm down. I always felt like I was walking in a fog, going through the motions, trying to be normal but not quite achieving it. It wasn’t until I was 24 and started to realize that I was gay that I started really connecting to my own reality and realized that I was abused. I feel like being successful works against me because everyone thinks I’m normal and such a pleasant person, but when I’m in relationships, my partners can’t handle me. They feel I’m too demanding, too needy, I make them anxious and make them want to pull away from me. They don’t understand how I’m so successful and yet so insecure. I feel so embarrassed because of this. This makes me hide my needs from everyone and avoid relationships because I think I’m defective and that no one could ever really handle me. I feel like no one sees me for who I am and only sees everything that I’m not. A couple of friends have told me to lighten up and enjoy relationships, but I can’t. I don’t want anyone to take advantage of me or to leave me, and I get scared and my heart pounds out of my chest if anything goes wrong. I was taken advantage of and emotionally abused in my first relationship, and I don’t want it to happen again. I’ve been to counselors but they seem to think I’m completely ok and that I just need to lighten up and change my thoughts. I’ve done cognitive behavioral therapy and it works well when I’m single, but in relationships it makes no difference. I feel like logic is out of the window and its a deeper issue than my thoughts. I’m so afraid someone will hurt me and I don’t trust anyone. I think I also have this need to please people, so sometimes in therapy I let the therapist take over and I feel worse after the session cause I didn’t get to really say what I wanted to. I don’t know if I’m just complaining over stupid little things and I do just need to lighten up but I’m writing because I want to know if either I’m making things too serious or if maybe I need a different kind of therapist. I started researching and I think I might have ptsd but I’m afraid to tell people that because they may think I’m over exaggerating my problems and self diagnosing which you aren’t supposed to do. I’d appreciate your feedback.

A: Thank you for sending in just a thought-provoking question. The issues that you are bringing to light should be brought to your therapist. The struggle for intimacy is great, and the resilience you have shown in moving toward understanding and cooping with these problems. I would elaborate with your therapist the particular struggle with trust and the history of your relationships if you haven’t done this already.

This will give you a chance to develop a bit more trust with the therapist. This is important because often the relationship we have in therapy mirrors the relationships that we long to develop. Being vulnerable, and being willing to discuss these issues is perhaps the most direct way of allowing yourself to change.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

My brother and I had been very close as kids, grew apart as we grew up, but always on good terms. He had a rough life, especially mentally. A few years ago, he sent me a letter saying he had a rifle and talked about going out and hunting people. It was pretty scary – both the handwriting and the content. I had thought he was OK, but couldn’t tell if he was joking. My mother was in contact with him, so I sent the letter to her and asked for her advice. She called him and asked about it. I don’t know how that discussion went down, but he wrote me a blistering letter, accusing me of betrayal and writing me out of his life. Two months later, he shot himself with that rifle in a motel room. I’ve carried this terrible guilt ever since. I know he made that awful decision, but I feel like I played a significant role in it. After years I still don’t know how to handle it, and he haunts me daily.

A. When you love someone and something bad happens to them, you always wonder if you could have done more. Many people have feelings of guilt. The more serious the outcome for the loved one, the more guilt that is felt. Feeling guilty is not the same as being guilty.

Being suicidal is a sign of a serious mental illness. Committing suicide is the ultimate act of self-destruction. Suicidal individuals are always admitted to hospitals. Most individuals with mental illnesses are not admitted to hospitals. Only those with the most serious of mental illnesses are admitted to hospitals. I mention this to put into perspective the severity of your brother’s mental illness. The vast majority of therapists work outside of a hospital environment. None of those therapists would consider attempting to help someone who was suicidal outside of a hospital environment. A highly educated, well credentialed therapist would not believe that his or her skilled words and insights would be enough to stop a suicidal client. Even with their extensive education and experience, therapists would not believe in their ability to prevent a client from committing suicide. All therapists would attempt to have their client admitted to a hospital.

For a layperson, the ability to help a suicidal friend or family member is almost non-existent. Yes, you love them more than anyone else, but what skill do you have as a therapist? You love them more than their therapist but you simply lack the education and training necessary to deal with their problem.

You would never think of performing surgery on a loved one, not because you don’t love them sufficiently but because you simply lack the ability and experience of a surgeon. It’s obvious to most people that without the skill and knowledge of a surgeon it would be foolish and perhaps deadly to perform surgery on someone you love.

Without the many years of education and experience, it would be just as foolish to attempt to do counseling with someone you love. I often tell my clients, who are experiencing the thoughts and feelings that you have right now, that it is far better to feel that perhaps you did not do enough than to know that your words and attempts to help a loved one actually resulted in their suicide. Yes, it is possible to make a mistake during surgery that will result in someone’s death — and it is equally possible to make a mistake in therapy that will result in someone’s suicide.

Every surgeon does his best and every therapist does likewise. I think it is best to realize our limitations. We have a limit as to our skills in any particular area. No matter how much we love someone and want to help them, our skill limits are not increased.

When I have a client ask me about a friend of theirs or family member who is having a mental problem and what they can do for them, I always tell them to encourage them to go into therapy. If you have read this column you have read many letters from readers who talk about the immense difficulty they are having trying to get a mother, father, son, etc., into therapy. My response to them is to acknowledge that often no amount of effort on their part is enough to achieve their desired result.

The question for you is did you do enough? My answer to you, is how much more of consequence could you have done? You did not ignore your brother. With concern you brought his letter to his mother, as you should have. The result was that your brother became enraged at you and then shut you out. I think this shows the complexity of the situation and your brother’s mental illness. Suicide and the mental state that leads to it are amazingly complex.

Please remember one last thing: Very skilled and competent therapists have close family members who have committed suicide. Even with all of their ability and skill, and the immense love they possess, it was not enough to change the outcome.

I hope that you will consider talking about this issue with a therapist or a support group. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

About 8mths ago, my husband woke one day and said he was hearing voice, he complained of headaches; he wasn’t sleeping and became very religious. He said my family had tried to poison him or something spiritual- he also was paranoid. He was very cold, almost like a different person. He was loosing weight- just said things that didn’t make sense. I believe he had a psychotic episode either suffering from psychosis or depression- he may even be bipolar. About a month after, I came home and some of his things were gone. And was the last time I seen him. He is ok now, living on his own and sounds very functional, except that he calls with private #s, and still talks about my family poisoning him which is not the case. He’s a very intelligent man and so stubborn. I know he would have to be Denzel Washington to pull off what happen to him, so I don’t believe he was faking. I’ve seem him in the club drinking and dancing as if nothing happened. He didn’t seek medical attention (counseling or medication)…is it possible to recover the way he is now, functional without medication or at any given time it could happen again?

Any information you can give would be appreciated.

A. It may be possible to recover from psychosis without treatment but that is the exception rather than the norm. Generally, untreated psychosis becomes worse over time. Individuals typically continue to experience symptoms until the psychosis is treated. He may seem “okay” right now but you may not be seeing the full picture. His unwillingness to seek treatment is concerning as is his drinking. Alcohol and other drug use can exacerbate psychosis.

Based on information that you have provided, I do not think he is well. He needs treatment. Psychosis does not generally improve on its own. In virtually all cases, treatment is necessary. Without such treatment, decompensation occurs.

This is a very challenging situation. He is an adult and as such it is difficult to force him into treatment, especially if he does not want it or does not think that it is needed. Unfortunately, in many states, the only time that you can force someone into treatment is when they are on the verge of seriously harming themselves or someone else.

My recommendation is to try to convince him to seek treatment. I understand that he may not be willing but it is worth a try. I would also recommend attempting to connect with other friends or family members who are concerned about his condition. He may be willing to attend treatment if several individuals share the opinion that he is not well.

Two websites may be of assistance to you: the Treatment Advocacy Center and the National Alliance On Mental Illness(NAMI). The Treatment Advocacy Center provides information about state civil commitment laws. Their website also provides information about how to handle psychiatric emergencies and when to call for help. NAMI may be a helpful resource because they provide educational information about mental health disorders as well as guidance about navigating the mental health system. NAMI has support groups for family members who have a loved one with a mental illness. Most communities throughout the United States have such support groups. I wish you the best of luck. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

A: Wow. Julie certainly has been given a lot of power. I don’t know what to make of it. She seems to be a bully. And bullies can only continue their bullying if bystanders let them do it. I don’t know what to make of the fact that others in the family don’t stand up to her. Maybe it’s worth asking them directly. Are they afraid she will cut them off too? Are they somehow in her debt? Do they have grudges of their own? Without that information, there’s not much you can do to change things.

What you can do, though, is focus on making holidays and family gatherings for you and yours. You have two daughters and two grandchildren who love you. As long as you focus on what you’re all not getting, you aren’t putting energy into making good memories with them. One of my teachers used to say that it doesn’t make sense to keep going to a well for water if the well is dry. It looks to me like your sisters’ well is pretty empty. Give up the struggle, at least for now. Make wonderful experiences for your own group. Start some new traditions that make you all just glad to be together. If you fill a day with laughter and good feelings, your sisters’ unkindness will have less of a sting.

I’m sorry I didn’t get this letter before Christmas. I hope you figured this out on your own. If not, there are plenty of occasions to try out a new approach. Here comes Valentine’s Day. Start thinking now about how to celebrate that special day that emphasizes love with those who love you.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

My husband was molested as a child.As a result over the 20 yrs we’ve been together our sex life has become nonexistent.He tells me this is a result of what happened to him.At first I tried everything to fix this.

He has seen four different therapist,but always discontinues therapy. I’ve refused to believe that he is a non sexual person and have accused him of infidelity many times.He insists he is faithful. Because of our two children I had become resigned to the hand fate had dealt me.Until now.

I’ve discovered he has a secret life totally separate from ours.First I tracked his text record to a 19 yr old girl/lingere model who he’d been texting for hours a day for over three months.I then hired a PI and discovered his secret life as a model photographer of young beautiful models ages 18 and up.He also takes pics of them naked.

Because of his past sexual abuse I believe his sexual views to be distorted.I believe he is sexually attracted to very young females and males and therefore not me.I also believe that although he keeps the photography at legal age, that he is more then possibly attracted to children who are younger.I feel like half of my life I’ve been nothing but his front so to speak ,for his perverted activities.I’m lost,please advise,I know that I must leave in order to give myself a chance at having a healthy happy life,that is clear.My struggle is with the information about him,if he is acting out inappropriately with anyone under 18. It must stop.I do not have evidence of that however, it is with the knowledge of facts that I do have about him along with my 20 yr personal relationship with him that my gut leads my mind to that conclusion.What should I do?

A: I’m so, so sorry. This discovery must be devastating for you. You’re probably right that there is a connection of some kind between his past and his activities. Sometimes people who have been abused conclude that there are only two roles in the world: victim or abuser. Not wanting to be victimized any more, they take the other role. It’s a shame that your husband didn’t stick with therapy long enough to learn that there are other alternatives.

As sneaky and inappropriate as his behavior has been, he does seem to have some control over his impulses. He apparently has confined his activities to people over 18. That takes some self-control. He is apparently self-aware enough to understand that there are legal consequences to crossing the line of age of consent.

As painful as this may be, I think you need to ask your children if he has ever touched them inappropriately, just to be sure that he hasn’t reenacted his own abuse in the family. It isn’t necessarily the case but for your children’s sake, it’s important to check it out.

If you think he could be victimizing younger people, I suppose you could tell him of your suspicions to see how he reacts. Do be sure to have such a conversation in a place where you feel safe. Unless you have more than your gut feeling to go on, there probably isn’t anything else you can do about his psychological health or his behavior.

Instead, focus on making a good life for yourself and your children. You now have the opportunity to find someone who can give you the love, affection, and sexual connection you’ve longed for for many, many years.

I wish you well,
Dr. Marie

My amazing father set the standard for what I think I relationship should be like. Everyone I’ve ever dated has been a disappointment for me. I’ve had to break up with some of the sweetest guys I’ve ever met because I got to the point where I realized I was spending most of my time antagonizing over their flaws and I made myself (and them) miserable. I just can’t get over the high standard set for whom ever I spend the rest of my life with.

See, I just don’t know how to stop comparing the guys to my dad! My dad tragically died when I was in 7th grade. His death was a harsh slap in the face by reality and it crippled my belief in God. I remember my father as a great man. Actually, I literately can not think of anything my father ever did wrong. The only memories I have of my father is of him being the most fantastic father, husband, and Christan he could be. My mother tries to tactfully remind me he was human too, but I can’t stand thinking of him doing anything wrong. I’m tried of breaking hearts! I’m making everyone miserable. I just don’t know how to separate my father’s memory from real life expectations.

A. You state in your letter “set the standard for what I think a relationship should be like.” You know what your relationship was like with your father. You are an expert on him as a father. You also state that he was the most fantastic husband. Only his wife would be able to knowledgeably comment on his ability to be a husband. You experienced your father, as a father, directly. Your mother experienced your father as her husband, directly. You were a onlooker into their relationship. Your mother has been just an onlooker into the relationships with the men that you have dated. I’m sure that you would agree, that she had been just looking in from the outside. The complexities of your relationships with the men that you have dated are not available to her. There is a public and personal side to virtually every relationship.

You mentioned how difficult it was for you to deal with your father’s death. It crippled your belief in God. You also said your father’s death was tragic. I think it is reasonable to conclude that you feel that your father’s death was very unfair. In your mind he is a victim. When you love someone very, very much, it is very natural to protect them at all costs. Many people would gladly give up their own life to protect someone that they love.

It appears to me that you are protecting your father by protecting his memory. It is your way of continuing to protect him. Your mother, who is trying to protect you, gently reminds you that your father was not perfect. I would have to trust your mother’s judgment as to your father’s abilities as a husband. I would trust your judgment as to your father’s ability to be a father.

The most important thing in life is to concur with reality. We must not see things as better than they are, nor worse. It is very natural for you to compare your boyfriends to your father. Sigmund Freud has long ago established this as fact.

I would like to ask you a question and I will respect and accept your answer. You have an impression of your father that is based on his only living until you were only in seventh grade. You presently possess that impression. What if he were alive today? What if you had all of those additional years with him? You did quite a bit of maturing after seventh grade; everyone does. You were much more knowledgeable in high school than you were in grade school. You saw the world in a much more complex way in high school and college. Now here’s my question: do you think that your impression of your father would be different if he were alive at this moment?

I have a few other questions that you might want to consider. Were you the perfect child? Do you think that your father would love you any less if you weren’t perfect? You know that your father loved you. You can feel it with every fiber of your being, even now. Those that you love, truly love, need not be perfect or even close.

You have pointed out that you’re having relationship problems. You stated that it’s time to do something about that. I would recommend counseling and I would focus that counseling on grief. In closing, I would like to assure you that no imperfection that you were to discover about your father would ever diminish the love that you feel for him.

You will find a list of therapists by clicking the “find help” tab at the topic of this page. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

This is both a typical and an atypical marriage. My husband and I have been married nearly eighteen years. We have three young children. The first four years were filled with extreme violence and people begging me to leave. I used drugs and alcohol to cope. My husband convinced me I was the problem. I felt like a prisoner with nowhere to go. I could not leave and stay gone. Now, it is fifteen years later, with three children. The violence is gone, I have fifteen years of sobriety and have accomplished a great deal, but my husband has not changed.

Although he is no longer violent, he yells, ignores, punishes, chastises, and so on, but he doesn’t swear. He always says I swear too much. He is angry. He is a victim. He is a martyr. The clencher for me is not any single event but finally realizing what the truth is. I see everything and I’m different. But now, I still can’t leave.

He will throw me under the bus so-to-speak and try to destroy me. I figure it is easier to stay and deal with constantly trying to protect myself and my children from his tirades and insults…but no name calling and swearing, just “constructive criticsim and so on.” He refuses help. I am over thinking I’m the problem. I want to love and be loved, but I do not have resources and family and friends to get out. I don’t want to destroy my children in this process.

I dream of other men all the time now. I don’t want to be rescued. I just want a better life. My husband also refuses to take care of us financially. He works, but I’ve had to scramble to make ends meat. I do everything while he plays video games. I want the silver bullet that says it’s okay to run, here’s how and don’t look back. I really want someone to hear me.

A: Sadly, your marriage is indeed typical of an abusive one. You have been so worn down that you believe your husband’s assessment of you. You are not helpless. You are not stuck in this relationship. You deserve better. Your children deserve to grow up in an environment that is safe. You don’t want your children to think that this is a normal relationship and, even worse, to repeat it in their own lives.

You made an important first step in writing. The next step is to contact your local women’s center. Every city and county has one. I did an Internet search and found three in and around your city.

Women’s Centers provide counseling, support groups, and practical help to women in your situation. Many even have shelters for women and their children who need a place to be while they get on their feet and establish a new life. Often services are low-cost or free. Please make an appointment and find out what resources are availabe to you.

Your children need you to be strong and to protect them. You deserve to get out of this situation and to find someone who can love and cherish you.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

I am 18 and a freshman in college. Since I have been here, I have become increasingly socially isolated. The only person I talk to is my roommate, and we are not close. In the past I have attempted suicide a few times, but I am not sure if my attempts were serious. I have been diagnosed on and off with OCD, bipolar disorder, and ADHD. However, I feel like I have a problem that no one has addressed.

I think part of my problem is with my personality. I lie quite often and usually for no significant gain. I sometimes lead people to certain conclusions about me that aren’t true, simply because I can. And other times I don’t mean to do it and it just happens.

I can have an incredibly high opinion of myself and then literally the next minute feel that I am not worth the space I take up. Often, I am very paranoid about the possibility of people talking about me. I take a lot of the things I hear people say about others and think they are about me. I don’t seem to have a good grasp on social norms or how to speak with people in a way that keeps a conversation going. I am awful at making friends.

I don’t believe in automatic respect for anyone, which occasionally was a problem with teachers while I was in grade school. Sometimes, while arguing with authority figures I realize that what I am saying or doing will lead to consequences for me later on, but I can’t stop myself because I feel very certain that I am right in my actions.

A lot of people in my life, that I think I am being honest with, claim that I manipulate them, although I don’t feel that I do. I don’t feel close to many people. And with the few I do, I still don’t trust them. I’ve been told on occasion that I have unfriendly body language, although I am not usually aware of this.

Anyway, I really hope to get some answers as to what my problem is out of this slew of symptoms. I would really like to know what this all means. I Don’t Know What’s Wrong With Me.

A. Lying can be associated with certain personality disorders, though not always. The difference depends on why someone is lying. In my experience, non-personality disorder based lying is done for a purpose. It is usually to make someone appear to be better in some way. That type of lying is often tied to self-image problems.

Alternatively, individuals who have personality disorders such as narcissistic personality disorder or antisocial personality disorder often lie for the purpose of manipulation. Individuals with narcissistic or antisocial disorders might also lie because “they can.”

Symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder include:

• having the need or the expectation of constant praise and to be admired by others;
• disregard for other people’s emotions or feelings;
• exaggeration of one’s talents or life achievements;
• inflated sense of self-importance; and
• takes advantage of others to pursue his or her goals.

Symptoms of antisocial personality disorder include:

• lack of guilt or remorse;
• difficulty with authority figures which often leads to breaking the law;
• lack of empathy;
• being good at manipulating others’ emotions; and
• having a certain knack for being witty or charming.

Diagnosis over the Internet is difficult. It seems that you may have symptoms of both of the aforementioned disorders but only an in-person evaluation can determine that with certainty. My recommendation would be to have a psychological evaluation by a mental health professional. He or she will have the opportunity to gather a great deal of information about your current symptoms and both your personal and family history. That type of information is needed to provide an accurate diagnosis.

Seeing a mental health professional would also be advantageous because it affords you the opportunity to share your concerns with an objective party who would determine if your observations about your behavior are accurate. For instance, you stated that you do not seem to have a good grasp on social norms. That may or may not be the case.

The “find help” tab can assist you in locating a mental health professional in your community. I wish you the best of luck. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle

My roommate seems to get angry at the littlest things. It’s like walking on eggshells with him. I am scared to mention almost anything to him, in fear that he will start yelling. When an electronic item messes up he will rip it from the wall and throw it on the sidewalk to break it. This morning he took a knife to his mattress and ripped it apart because it was uncomfortable for him to sleep on it. He then began yelling at the top of his lungs how if things don’t go his way no one will be happy. He is a very sweet guy when he is calm but I have noticed the anger coming out more and more. I never fear for my life or my safety as he is not threating towards me in any way shape or form. However, I am afraid that he is really going to hurt himself or hurt someone on the street who may look at him the wrong way. He was abused constantly as a child and I am sure this is where it stems from. I really want to know how I may be able to help him. What I may be able to do to calm him down or what I can say to him.

A: Since this sounds like a non-romantic relationship I would treat it more like a partnership. What I mean by this is that if this were an intimate relationship I would have very different suggestions. But as it is, I would approach it in a functional way.

If you feel safe enough to have the conversation, I would tell him that his outbursts make it difficult for you to be around him and that they are upsetting. Let him know that you do not want to continue having to deal with his anger because you worry for his safety, the safety of others, and your own anxiety.

Then give him a timeline that you will be using to decide if you can stay or not. This isn’t designed to blame him or manipulate him, this is designed to inform him of your needs. It sounds like he could use an anger management program. Many community hospitals have such groups and it might be worth it for him to look into these. The point here is to explain what you can and can’t tolerate. The work to fix it is on him.

If you don’t feel safe enough to have the conversation, make plans to leave as soon as it is possible. No amount of financial savings can offset you exposing yourself to that level of anxiety.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

Every time my girlfriend and I have sex I just cant orgasm. and I don’t really mind but I care because she’s really really hurt and I often find her crying about it and I don’t want to hurt her. I am on Prozac, I don’t know if that affects anything at all.

A: I appreciate the fact that you are sensitive to your girlfriend and want to fix this. It sounds to me like you need to have a discussion with your medical doctor about this. Sometimes antidepressants like Prozac can have side effects, and sometimes the depression they are used to treat can be the culprit. In any case start I would start with a discussion with your physician.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral