I have been dating my boyfriend for a year and a half. We had a break for four months and got back together in October. So everything was going fine and we were working things out and talking. Well then it started going downhill and I don\’t know what to do. I\’m very lost. We recently fought because my father is getting promoted and we had originally planned to go to his high school\’s prom. Well it was all very expensive and we decided not to go. My father was going to let me go to prom instead of his promotion, since we aren\’t going anymore, I was going to go to my dad\’s promotion. My boyfriend got upset and it was a miscommunication between us when everything was happening. I had called my boyfriend to express to him that I felt hurt and angry that he wouldn\’t want to be flexible and understand that my father\’s promotion takes precedence. My boyfriend is not abusive, but he does have some signs of being controlling. I love him very dearly and I don’t want to lose him. What are some ways we can effectively stop arguing so much?

A. Your boyfriend may or may not be showing signs of being controlling. It is important to see the relationship for what it is and not how you wish it would be. If your boyfriend is controlling, then you should not ignore his behavior. Someone who is controlling is engaging in a form of abuse. Abuse in relationships is the attempt, through words or behavior, to maintain power and control. Psychological or emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse. Abuse in any form is unacceptable.

With regard to arguing, you can only control your behavior. Even if you behaved perfectly and did everything correctly, it still may not improve the relationship dynamic. You can and should do your part to improve the relationship but your boyfriend also has to do his. Relationships require equal work from both participants.

I would recommend consulting a couples counselor or an individual therapist. A couples counselor can determine what the problems are in the relationship and create a plan to improve it. If your boyfriend is unwilling to see a couples counselor, then you should attend individual therapy. The therapist could assess whether you are in an abusive relationship. He or she can also examine how you may be contributing to the arguments and assist you in modifying your behavior to improve the relationship.

It’s unclear whether this relationship could or should be saved. Frequent arguing is a sign that something is wrong. Every argument degrades the relationship. Seeking outside consultation from a therapist could help this relationship immensely. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half and for a good portion of that time we were long distance. 4 months ago we moved in together. recently he and i have begun to discuss introducing me to his 2 boys (3 & 7). we both figured that it was a good time, we have been together for a while and we are very much in love and want much more together, i have met his family and his ex-wife.we have finished getting settled and going through the growing pains of moving states and moving in together. now seems to be a good time to begin integrating me into their lives.

although everything seems to be lining up well, there is one major speed bump. im 23 and he is 30, ive never had kids and he has, i have never thought i would want kids of my own but he told me that he knows for sure that he doesnt want anymore. my concern is that im still young and my thought that i may not want kids of my own could change as i get older (or so im told) and i dont want to be the woman that comes and goes in the kids life if i decide later that i want kids and he doesnt…. should i put everything off until i know for sure or should i take a chance and hope it all works out? any advice would be more than welcome!

A: You are asking good and important questions. Those questions are so good I am surprised you actually moved across states to move in with your guy before you answered them. His children are a fact in his life. Being with him means you have children – two of them. They are going to be a central part of your life and his for at least 20 years. If you move any further into this relationship, you’re a mother. It looks to me like you didn’t factor that into your decision-making.

I think you should take your own good sense seriously. Asking the question about meeting the children is a way you are asking the question about whether you want to enter your boyfriend’s life. At 30, he is at a different life stage than you are. Some women (and men) like the opportunity to fold themselves into a lifestyle that is already pretty established. But others like to be with age-mates and discover how life unfolds together. It looks to me like you are having your doubts.

You owe it to yourself, your boyfriend, and the children to take a step back to think about all these things before you complicate matters further by being introduced to the children. Young children love easily. It’s not fair to them to get into their lives if you’re uncertain. They’ve already had to manage the breakup of their mom and dad.

The fact that you are thinking hard about the implications of meeting the kids tells me that you are a thoughtful and sensitive person. I suspect that you got so swept up in love that you lost sight of some of your central values. You’re now at one of those moments where a decision will take you down one path or another. That deserves some time and consideration.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

I am 14 years old & I got molested when I was younger by 2 cousins of mine. I have thoughts in my head that i try to not think about and I keep having flashbacks on the incident. I get angry alot & have really bad mood swings. Is this an effect of the molest or do I have a problem?

A. You seem to be experiencing flashbacks. A flashback essentially is a re-experiencing of a traumatic event. Being molested is obviously a very traumatic event. During a flashback, an individual may literally feel as though the traumatic experience is happening. Flashbacks are associated with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

Flashbacks can be very disruptive. My recommendation is counseling. In counseling, you can learn to identify what triggers your flashbacks. Recent research shows that knowing what triggers flashbacks is an important step in preventing them. Therapy could also assist you in stabilizing your mood.

I would strongly encourage you to talk to your parents. Counseling has helped many thousands of people with exactly the same problems that you are experiencing. Counseling is the easiest, quickest way for you to gain permanent relief. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

Well, my parents are pretty decent folks. They love me and deep down I know they do but sometimes in certain moments I don’t feel like they do. I sometimes wonder if it’s because I’m a teenager or if I really do have some psych issue. Even when the evidence that my family does love me should outweigh the the feeling that they dont, it isn’t enough.

They don’t constantly put me down but when they do, and it isn’t often, I feel like no one loves, and that their world would just keep turning if I died on the spot. So every time they critize me, I go into this dark place where I want to cut myself and die. Luckily I have a low threshold for pain so my cuts are never too deep.

I feel like I shouldn’t just want to die every time someone tells something bad. And actually it’s only when members of my family do it. Friends, I don’t care. Family does it and I cut and hope that I bleed to death. I don’t want to feel like my world is gonna come crashing down everytime I get a put-down, but no matter how often I tell myself I’m not going to cry or cut or wish death upon myself, I have to do all three. I can’t seem to control feeling like I’m in a bottomless pit everytime My pride gets a little bruised. Please help.

A. You cut yourself when your family criticizes you. You may feel as though they are criticizing you as a person, rather than just your behavior. In your view, when your family criticizes you, they are in essence saying that you’re a bad person or that they don’t love you. That, in all likelihood, is not the message your family is attempting to convey.

I would encourage you to speak to your family about how you feel. My sense of the situation is that you are misinterpreting what they are saying. Discussing the matter can help to clarify the situation. I understand that it may be difficult to discuss such sensitive matters but it still needs to be done. It is healthy to discuss your feelings, especially those that are causing you significant distress.

Cutting is always a sign that someone is suffering and that help is required. When speaking with your family, you should also inquire about the possibility of seeing a therapist. A therapist could greatly assist you in learning more effective problem solving skills. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

I just found out my mom has been cheating on my father. I am not totally surprised because she has been acting sneaky the past year or so, but I am devastated. I love my dad, he is so good to my mother and he doesn’t deserve to be treated this way. I think she’s going through her midlife crisis. I hate the person she’s becoming, I don’t even know her anymore. I have no respect for cheaters and I want my mom to be someone I respect and look up to.

I don’t have anyone to talk to, I stopped hanging out with all my friends when I became pregnant because I wanted to quit doing drugs and I didn’t want the temptations, my social anxiety makes it hard for me to make new friends without using drugs. I can’t talk to my boyfriend because we don’t have a good relationship and we don’t communicate. I need some advice on how to handle the situation with my mother. She doesn’t know that I know, I don’t know whether to talk to her about it or not.

A: The fairest thing to do is to tell your mother what you think you know and how it makes you feel. There’s no point in yelling at her or getting into an argument with her about it. She has to deal with her relationship with your dad. How she does it will probably affect your relationship with her. That remains to be seen.

I’m concerned that thinking about your parents’ issues is a great distraction from thinking about your own. You’re only 20 and have a baby. You have social anxiety and a “boyfriend” you can’t communicate with. Your focus needs to be on growing up yourself and making a solid family for your child. Please get yourself into therapy to deal with all of this. If you’re having trouble staying in recovery, find a support group. Get some couples therapy for you and the boyfriend to see if you can be a family. And if you don’t have a job or schooling, look into local services that will help you get started.

You and your baby deserve to have a decent life. Leave your parents’ relationship to them – at least for now. You have plenty to deal with in your own life.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

I have some behavior issues that are starting to really affect my life. I’m having problems at school, work, home, and socially. I really need some help and I’m sorry for such a long and chaotic post. I’ll try and briefly go over my issues.

I feel like I cannot talk to anyone socially. I can’t connect with someone and don’t know how to talk to them. Most interactions are in awkward silence. I feel like I am so bad at it I just avoid all situations. Its even like this with my parents and my best friend sometimes. I find myself hiding in my room and avoiding everyone. I only have one friend and it feels like I am close to losing him. I also haven’t had a relationship in over five years.

My messiness and lack of motivation for everything is starting to become a problem. My parents are really close to kicking me out because of it. I feel the only reason they don’t is that they fear I will do the same thing by myself and get even worse. At least with me living under there house they can watch out for me. Basically, my room and car are always trashed and I’m bad about keeping myself up.

I also feel like I am addicted to everything. I can’t quit cigarettes and smoke way too much. I go on a lot of drug binges and my sleep pattern is super messed up. I drink four or five cups of coffee everyday.

I honestly don’t know what to do. I feel really hopeless and I’m going crazy with internalizing everything. I also feel really embarrassed and don’t know how to approach my parents for help.

A. It seems as though many of the issues you are struggling with are related to anxiety. Your anxiety is significantly degrading your life. If not treated, it may worsen. Avoidance is a strategy that many people use in an attempt to deal with anxiety, but it can backfire. It usually makes the anxiety symptoms worse, not better.

The problems that you are dealing with are correctable in therapy. I would suggest that you consider it. Please don’t be embarrassed to ask for help. Asking for help is a commendable act. It’s a sign that somebody is ready to make a life change for the better. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

Hi There, I really need help with dealing with my brother. He has serious mental problems and I think they are down to a lack of self esteem. Our dad (who still lives with us) is very aggressive but has never hit us, he just smashes things (although my brother is adamant that my dad kicked him and threw my mum down the stairs but he didn’t). My brother has ended up fearing my dad but won’t admit that he is scared of him and insists he would kill him if he could get away with it. My brother is 26, living at home and even though he has a degree is unable to get a job. He started to go bald when he was 19/20 and now just has no self worth and feels the whole world is against him. He is very self destructive, he used to cut himself quite badly and also took drugs for a number of years. He often breaks down when talking about our chilldhood exclaiming that we suffered abuse, (I am completely fine and feel although our dad obviously had mental problems himself, that our childhood was a very privileged one). I worry that if he doesn’t get help soon he will do something silly as he just hates his life and feels he is a complete failure, I find it difficult to help him as I disagree with what he is blaming his problems on. Please help as it is ruining my whole family, my mum is forever trying to keep the peace and feels it is all her fault and my dad ends up kicking off because my mum and brother are unjustly hostile with him due to a build up of issues which my dad thinks are sorted! Thank you.

A. This is a very difficult situation. My concern is that your brother may act out violently toward members of your family. If he is actively using alcohol or drugs, then the risk of violence increases significantly. Do not hesitate to call the authorities if you feel that you or your family members are in danger.

You disagree with your brother’s understanding of his problems. He views his childhood as having been abusive. He may have a skewed view of that time. You described your childhood as having been “privileged.” Perhaps you are correct and he is wrong. On the other hand, he may have experienced abuse. It is not unusual, and it is in fact common, for parents to treat each child differently. Also, children can live in the same home and have completely different experiences.

Ideally, it would be best if your brother went to therapy. It seems as though he is dealing with many issues and his behavior is negatively affecting the family. If you have not suggested therapy, then you should.

If he is not agreeable to individual therapy, perhaps he would be open to family therapy. In family therapy, everyone works together to solve the problems. The onus is on the family to solve the problem rather than on just one member of the family.

If your brother is unwilling to change his behavior, then it is up to the people around him to change their behavior. That may not seem fair but you can only control your behavior, not the behavior of others. You and your family may have to develop a new set of rules for the home or the conditions in which you interact with him. A therapist could provide guidance regarding the best way to properly address your brother’s behavior. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

I started seeing my boyfriend a year ago and he was really great. We had a really good first couple of months but I started having my own emotional issues after an event triggered a date rape 20 years ago, then I began remembering other incidents from my childhood, the most troubling was remembering being molested when I was 5. I was diagnosed with PTSD.

The worse my condition became the more unstable the relationship got. Even before that though he was always bragging about things from his past… how popular he was in school, how great he was at sports, really anything to look good or show off. There were times, and still are, where I will call or text him worried or upset and he will say “why can’t you just be happy?” He has never comforted me one time when I was melting down and there have been times also when I have wanted him to help defend me when I was having problems with my ex (abusive attacks, name calling, etc) but he wouldn’t do anything. If fact he showed no sympathy for me at all.

There are SO many other examples but last night I really decided that I’ve had enough. I was expressing some feelings toward the kind of men that objectify women and feel no remorse – the kind of men I have attracted for 30 years. I made a comment in which I told him that I believed if he misled a woman and she wanted to know why he rejected her he would be man enough and considerate enough to tell her. I was complimenting him and he heard the opposite. I always want to know why he stays with me if he’s so miserable which is something else he is always throwing in my face.

I recently found out my mother is terminally ill and I feel awful that for our entire relationship I have been this pathetic girl with all these problems and needed him so much. I would and one day will (unless he is a narcissist and in that case I’ll be done) give him my shoulder to cry on if he ever needs it. I feel like he’s just with me to prove something or maybe even fix me. I’m just so confused and while in some ways he’s been better than any other guy I’ve been with, I feel totally disconnected from him emotionally.

We have had no physical relationship for months. I just can’t if there’s no connection. I know you can’t officially diagnosis him or anything, but does he sound like a narcissist in your opinion? Thanks very much!

A: No, I can’t “diagnose” him. I can offer you a couple of thoughts. Since you are in your mid-30s, you’ve both lived a lot of life already. His response to his past may be that he wants to emphasize the positive and live in the moment. Meanwhile, you have embarked on a healing journey where you are dealing with painful events from your past. To him, you may be a bring-down. To you, he’s unsympathetic. The incompatibility is now showing up in your sex life.

There must be something sweet and attractive about each of you for both of you to have hung in this long. I suggest you try to talk about the differences in your approach to this stage of your lives and see if there’s a way to accomodate both sets of needs. If you can’t do it and want to stay together, I suggest couples therapy to help you hear each other and find ways to be mutually supportive.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

I really need a lot of help with my father. He’s 65. My mother and him have been divorced for over 5 years and he is severely depressed about it. I can tell and so can other people.

He’s been drinking alcohol a lot sometimes. He drank so much one time he almost died from it and almost died from it again a year after that. He talks about the divorce a lot, daily, and has every single day for over 5 years. I hate it. It has caused me so much stress that I’ve had breakdowns, too.

I don’t know if he knows he’s depressed or not but he knows there’s a problem. If he’s not drinking, he buries himself in work and talks about women all the time, because he’s extremely lonely since it’s just me and him. I hate it. I see him a lot so overworked from burying himself in his work that he’s almost incoherent. I’m afraid for him and hate to see him do something so stupid as to keep drinking. All he does is put emphasis on how he still loves my mother, how she did him wrong, and how people in general have done him wrong his whole life. He is a really good, genuine person, and so I believe him but he won’t get away from thinking about that stuff ALL THE TIME. Mostly about the divorce.

I’m afraid one day he’s just going to have another bout with alcohol and just die, because I see the pattern every year. Every time I mention it he gets very angry with me and says that I dont know what i’m talking about or that I just need to goto another room and leave him alone. It’s a lot of stress on me. So much that I dont think I can handle it anymore mentally. I’ve seen a side of my father that i’ve never seen before, mostly in the past 3 years and it confuses me from my experiences with him when I was younger, he used to be such a calm person.

I dont know what to think and I dont know what to do. I want to help him but I kind of give up. I dont know what to do anymore.

A: This has been going on since you were 16? No wonder you’re getting burned out. At 21, you shouldn’t have to be your father’s keeper. You should be launching yourself into your own adult life. Your father apparently has no idea how he is keeping both of you stuck.

I think you’re right that your dad is depressed. He’s self-medicating with overwork and alcohol. Neither remedy is effective. In fact, they only are making things worse.

I can only suggest a few things: First, instead of being angry with him or trying to reason with him, simply tell him how worried you are about him and how his depression is affecting you. Don’t do this in a blaming or shaming way. Just tell him you love him and are feeling unable to make life decisions because you don’t want to leave him when he’s feeling so low.

Then, encourage him to get into some therapy to deal with his feelings of grief and anger about the divorce. Tell him you will go with him for awhile because you need help finding ways to be supportive of him. I’m hoping that his concerns for you as a father may matter enough that he’ll do this for you even if he won’t do it for himself. Hopefully, your therapist will be able to engage him so that you can turn his treatment over to her or him.

Finally, I strongly urge you to find a local chapter of Al-Anon. This is an organization that is connected to Alcoholics Anonymous and that provides support for family and friends of alcoholics. The program can teach you skills to help both your father and yourself. Most important, the group can give you needed support.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

My boyfriend and I have been together a year and a half, I moved to Texas to be with him. Lately I’ve found myself needing attention all the time. Like in always looking for reassurance that he loves me. I’m thinking this stems from my father walking out when I was 5 and my mother kicking me out at 18. I don’t have a family and there’s always a void there. It’s wrong to lay all that on him, but I feel crazy I cant help ALWAYS needing affection and being told I’m loved. It’s become a problem for us because he’s expressed that he feels he will never be able to do enough for me. What do I do with myself?

A: You are probably right that being abandoned by your parents has left an emotional hole that is hard to fill. In addition, you’ve uprooted yourself and moved to a new place to be with your guy. You probably haven’t yet made other friends so you are more dependent on him. My guess is that scares you. Your experience of people who love you is that they leave. You may be scared that he will leave too so you cling. Ironically, clinging generally makes people want to go away — which is what you fear most.

What you do with yourself is find a therapist. It’s unfair and destructive to turn your love relationship into therapy for your neediness. Therapy will help you resolve your grief and anger about being left by your parents. It can also help you truly understand that it wasn’t because you were unlovable that they left.

I also encourage you to find your own group of friends so you can spread your needs for affirmation and contact around. Join an organization. There’s a political campaign happening right now. There’s a need for volunteers. If that’s not to your liking, volunteer to do some community service. Join a club where there are people who share your interests. Get a job and invite people you meet there and like to get together after work. Yes. I know that finding a way to belong in a new place is hard but it won’t get any easier if you stick to your boyfriend like a burr. And your boyfriend will rightfully feel concerned about you and annoyed that he can’t do enough.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

My 15-year-old son molested our 5-year-old friend. After 5 months he has finally come clean with the truth to me. The next step is addmiting in court. His step father, who I also just married 6 months ago, has left the house because he can not handle the situation.

His lack of involvment with the whole case effects his lack of understanding. He believes he has truly tried. He sees my son as a horrible child, “the devil,” and finds it hard to see any good in him right now.

Prior to this we had a happy family home and only a few normal teenage issues to deal with. I love my husband and want him to come home. He is extremly stubborn and is a “man’s man.” I feel hurt that he has turned his back on his family when then I, we, need him the most. I’m grasping at threads to keep any part of our marriage together. How do I help him realize our son is not a sexual monster and that we can still move foward to have a happy family again? Are there websites or groups to help with this matter? I’m at such a loss.

A: I’m terribly sorry you are dealing with such difficult issues. I hope you are getting your son and your family some therapy as well as legal help. This is a situation that has many, many layers to it. Your son needs treatment. You need support and help understanding how to be helpful. You and your husband need to find a way to work as a team through this crisis or you won’t have a marriage left.

It sounds to me like your husband hasn’t fully embraced your son as his own. From his point of view, he signed on to be a dad in a “normal” family. He didn’t understand that letting kids into our hearts means sometimes having our hearts broken. It may be that he can’t stand it so he’s distancing himself by making your son into an “other,” something that isn’t related to him. That’s at least one possible explanation. There are others, of course. It may be that your son’s behavior has triggered other painful memories, feelings, or thoughts in him that your husband can’t understand or grapple with.

All you can do is share with him that you need him and ask him to go to therapy with you in an attempt to salvage the marriage while you help your son. My heart goes out to all of you, as well as to victim and his family. This is incredibly painful for everyone.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

I’m a 15 year old high school student,who is deeply in love with a 17 year old,we’ve been going out for some time,and have, developed deep feelings for each other.Well,don’t let our age change your opinion of my perception of “love” for starters. The problem,she occasionally brings up her ex. She has feelings for him,and constantly refers it as,a “Gothic” Romeo and Juliet,or Edward and Bella from Twilight. She also says,her”Past” haunts her,and she’s done things.I really,love her,more than I can explain,but the feeling,of this,brings the faith in our relationship down.Should I confront her, with how I feel?

A: It sounds to me like your girlfriend is trying to tell you to back off just a bit. You are “deeply” in love. She’s not so sure. The difference between 17 and 15 is more important than maybe you want to believe. She has more experience with love and loss than you do. Her instincts are right. It’s normal and important for both of you to be trying on relationships to see what fits and what doesn’t at this stage of life. It’s not the time to be settling into something permanent.

I suggest that you continue to develop your own interests and friendships at the same time as you pursue this relationship. You want to develop into all you can be as an individual, not just as part of a couple. In fact, your couple-ness stands more of a chance if you work on yourself to become a fully mature person.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

Q: My Father In-law has been living with us for 2 years now. What started out as a temporary situation 3-6 months. Has turned out to be a permanent situation. Despite talking to him, he doesn’t help with expenses and hasn’t made an effort to move out.. We just bought a Condo and can’t very well move out leaving him behind like we did once before 4 years back when our apartment lease was up. We just went our separate ways. He’s Diabetic and still drinks and smokes all day long and doesn’t eat healthy. He rearranges everything in the house to the way he wants it. He yells/makes rules to our kids and I don’t like how he favors our youngest 4 year old daughter causing hurt and stress on our 9 year old older daughter. We’ve tried contacting other family members to arrange a living situation where we each have a couple years of responsibility for him but no one is interested. My husband and I constantly fight over him. I feel my only option is to leave him with the kids and start a new life. There has to be some solution I love my husband and we’ve made it this far with our 11 year marriage. There’s got to be another way please help us.

A: Please, don’t leave your family over this! Your first priority is to protect your children and to make sure they have a functional home, not to allow your father-in-law to run your household like a tyrant. It sounds like you and your husband need to get on the same page about your father-in-law living with you ASAP and a marriage counselor may be able to help you come to an agreement. For my complete answer please watch the video below.

Take good care of you and yours!
Julie Hanks, LCSW

Q: My life was fine until I was in seventh grade, my parents were alright and I had amazing friends, until one night my parents told me and my siblings that my mom was thinking about divorce and how they were constantly fighting that single night brought everything down since then my parents were fighting all the time, my father would get drunk and start talking without knowing he was hurting my feelings, one night he almost hit my sister and my mom that marked my whole life, I almost didn’t make it through eight grade because I would just think about my parents and how their marriage is gonna end. Is not very pleasant to see your mom and dad sad :( Now in my freshman year everything got worse I started to get sad, cry without a reason, I get stress more easy and stuff like that.

Also I’ve been distancing from my friends and I know many people but I’m just used to them being my friends, two of them have boyfriends and they just stick to them like glue and its kind of annoying because we made a promise that no boy will interfere with our friendship but I guess isn’t validate anymore, for them I don’t exist anymore because they also have new friends and they leave in a corner alone. I guess that is also part of my sadness I guess and I also lost interest in things I used to like for example writing, photography, fashion and reading plus I’ve been thing about self-harming but I know that isn’t gonna help. So please answer me. take care :)

A: Thanks for writing in about this very difficult situation. How scary to not know what’s going to happen with your parents’ marriage, and feeling scared about your becoming mean when your dad drinks. Please reach out to your parents and ask if you can see a therapist. If they aren’t supportive of therapy then I suggest that you talk with a school counselor. Watch this video to hear additional suggestions.

Take good care!

Julie Hanks, LCSW

I really need some advice. My fiancé and I are having a problem. His mom has come to visit us and she’s just not right.

He warned me before that his mom has bipolar but didn’t go into detail. For the first few days while here she was fine, it was wonderful! About five days in things began to change. It started with her not wanting to drink anything but sterilised water and no one else could open her water. That evening (the Friday) she woke us up in the night needing to make a phonecall. She phoned them while in our room and had an ordinary, 2 minute conversation and wondered out again. A few hours later she came in again saying she couldnt sleep in her room and wanted to sleep on the floor of ours. She slept without a mattress on the carpet.

The next day she was worse. She danced in the lounge for about an hour, staring out the window, changing all the lyrics of the beach boys to religious words (‘Help me God, help me get these things out of my head’). We took her to a wine farm and she brought a towel with her even though she didnt need it, and was confused about it later.

At the wine farm she kept getting frustrated if things didnt go her way (like she couldnt have the wine she wanted) and on the drive moaned constantly at my fiance for driving so fast (when he was driving so incredibly slowly) and made us listen to the same CD over and over. At one point she threatened to jump out the car and then cried for a while.

I can see in her face she is not herself. On Sunday we took her to the waterfront but before that she had to write a list of everything she had done since being in SA (my fiance’s sister believes this is because she thinks she is being poisoned as it went into great detail about food and drink and who had managed it – apparently the being poisoned fear is a common one with her). At the Waterfront she got quite mean, telling her daughter that she could see up her dress and it was disgusting and that her and I were going to get wrinkles cos we smile too much and that her daughter walks funny etc. Eventually she completely freaked out and shouted at us all to get away from her. You could see she was actually petrified of us.

In the car on the way home she eventually told me and my fiance that we sound just like his father and his new wife (who she doesnt like) and he got very irritated and we went home.

Apparently she has been diagnosed as bipolar and has medication, but she refuses to take it, saying it’s not her, it’s her kids.

I want to know, does this sound like bipolar behavior to you? Or is it more? Also, if someone won’t take their meds, how should we be behaving towards her and also, when she does go back, do you think it is safe for her to fly?

I’m also wondering, is this genetic, and if so, should we never have kids, or are there tests we can do?

A. It is difficult to know what her diagnosis may be but bipolar disorder or schizophrenia are realistic possibilities. Your fiancé’s mother does not seem well. She seems as though she is actively symptomatic. She seems paranoid and possibly is experiencing delusions or hallucinations. She may have those symptoms because she is not taking her medication.

Research has shown that approximately 50 percent of individuals with bipolar disorder or schizophrenia do not believe they have an illness and subsequently refuse treatment. If someone does not believe that they are ill, then refusing treatment seems logical to them. The problem is that they are clearly ill even if they aren’t aware. Unfortunately, individuals who are symptomatic suffer tremendously and so do their families who struggle with how to deal with a loved one who is clearly sick. It is a very difficult situation.

If someone isn’t taking their medication, then their family and friends should encourage them to do so. It can also be helpful to become actively involved in a loved one’s treatment, if possible. For instance, a close member of the family could offer to attend a doctor’s appointment with your fiancé’s mother, if she is agreeable.

You asked whether or not it is safe for her to fly alone. If she is actively symptomatic, then it would not be advisable. She might be okay but maybe not. I would not recommend it.

With regard to bipolar disorder and schizophrenia, scientists believe there is a genetic component. Scientists believe that there is a strong environmental component as well. Science has not determined the definitive causes of these mental illnesses.

Research shows that individuals who have relatives with schizophrenia or bipolar disorder are at a slight increased risk for developing one of these disorders. Having a relative with the disease in no way guarantees that other family members will develop it. Again, the risk is slight and its development depends on many factors.

Don’t hesitate to write again if you have additional questions. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle