I have come to the realization that I was raped at 12 or 13. Didn’t know up until about a year ago. I have been given a diagnosis of major depressive and borderline personality disorder. It affected the way I treated children, who are now adult. I am overwhelmed with feelings of guilt.

A: I am so sorry that you have had to learn about this event in your life. But this is the time to reach out for therapy. They have been many advances in the treatment of repressed memories and trauma. Please choose the ‘find help’ tab at the top of the page to locate a therapist who can be of help. The guilty feelings are understandable but what is most important right now is to find ways to relieve yourself of the burden of the reaction to this memory. There are some new treatments that may be helpful such as EMDR, which is specifically designed to help people who have had trauma in their lives.

Finally, I appreciate your courage and readiness here and hope your therapy will help you cope with the pain of these memories.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

When I was in 2nd grade, I was molested by the grandfather of a neighbor, who was a couple years older than me. I don’t remember all the specifics of what happened with him, but I do remember sitting on his leg while not wearing any bottoms. I remember worrying about what we were doing was wrong and saying this to him. He replied that I shouldn’t worry, his granddaughter did this with him all the time. She wasn’t a particularly good friend, but at the time I thought horrible things about her and blamed her for it.

Now, years later, I know this isn’t my fault and I was just a child. But I have no much guilt for not telling anyone because I might have been able to help the granddaughter. At the time, I hated because of it, and now looking back on it, she was probably a victim as well.

I’m in therapy and keep trying to bring this up, but my biggest fear is that she’ll say something that absolves me of this guilt. I feel like my whole world is dedicated to helping children, because I didn’t help this one girl and I don’t feel I deserve closure or forgiveness.

A: Please do bring it up. Unlike most people who feel guilty, you are taking action to make the world a better place. Too often, guilt is a substitute for action. You are transforming a terrible experience into motivation to do something meaningful and useful. That was such a wise and important decision for your own growth as well as for the kids you are helping.

As for the forgiveness part: Please remember that you were only 7 years old at the time. I want you to look around the next time you are at a mall and spot the 7-year-olds. Look at how little and innocent they really are. Kids that age believe the grownups! They have to. They are dependent on the adults.

You were just like them — little, dependent, confused and scared. You knew something was wrong but you also thought you were powerless to stop a big person who was in control. You did what most little kids do: You looked for a way to feel less out of control so you blamed it on someone your own size. That felt more manageable.

It’s long past time for forgiving that little girl who was you. You would do the same for any other little girl who was scared, confused, and upset. Why won’t you do it for yourself?

Please take your letter and this response to your next session. You can continue doing your good work without the burden of unearned guilt for something that happened 27 years ago.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

My boyfriend and I have an up and down relationship. He also has PTSD and I don’t think its only from Iraq. I think his past has a lot to do with it. He has called me names (which I actually don’t take offense too) or calls me dumb or stupid (I do HATE that though). He always react as in a split second, is irrational and blames me for most everything. Even the way he acts. He hates talking to me about anything serious that has to do with the relationship and sometimes he comes back and apologizes. He randomly tells me he loves me or appreciates me. He was taking Valium for his anxiety but quit it and now he takes methadone which I actually think helps him a lot. He doesn’t recognize my accomplishments, he is very selfish, he days he will do things for me and then the tiniest thing will throw him off. We did break up for a month last January and he kept writing me.I am sympathetic to his past and I do not treat him like a charity case but I am very devoted, I support his decisions whether I agree with them or not, I say I told ya so or way to go, he is not affectionate and rarely says I love you to me. Sex is another thing. I know he enjoys sex with me but he can never seem to to last and if its not that he just doesn’t want to be touched so attempting to even initiate something ends up making me feel completely rejected. I never pressure him to talk about Iraq, I will do anything for him and even though I feel safe physically I don’t mentally. I lfeel like he is going to kick me and my daughter out. He was kicking us out on and off for a while. He will not get help because he would have to pay since he does not go to the VA (I dont blame him that place is a joke). I don’t know what to do or what I’m doing but I have thought of leaving but I love him too much to do that to him, like everyone else. Is there anything I can do to make things a little smoother on us? I don’t think he will break up with me wither, I think I’m the one that has to leave. He claims to be ok with it if I did but I know he would be contacting me within a week.

A. You should ask him to receive counseling. If he’s unwilling, then there’s little else you can do. It will then be up to you to make a decision about whether you want to stay in this relationship.

As it stands, the relationship could not be described as healthy. He does not treat you well. Perhaps that’s because of his history and time at war but nonetheless, he does not treat you well.

Suggest individual counseling. If he is unwilling to attend individual counseling perhaps he would be willing to attend couples counseling. If he is unwilling to do either, then you must decide your next move. If nothing changes, then I would advise against staying in this relationship. It’s concerning that he can treat you badly and you are willing to stay.

It would be advantageous for you to enter therapy. One reason is that you would gain much-needed emotional support during this difficult period of time. Another would be to explore the reasons why you are accepting of a partner who is emotionally abusive. Therapy could help you immensely.

He may be experiencing psychological problems but that does not make it okay for him to treat you badly. You should not accept it as an excuse. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice

I served in the military for 7 years with two deployments to Afghanistan and two deployments to Egypt. When my first deployment ended 2008 (13 month tour), my best friend committed suicide and it hit me for a few months. After those few months I was then sent off to Egypt for two years. Upon arrival back to America from Jan 2011 – July 2011, I noticed I started drinking heavily but never caused any problems. In October of 2011 – October 2012, I did one last tour in Afghanistan. Since I have moved back home, for the first time in 7 years, I noticed I have been literally uncontrollable at times. I already received a Drunk in Public (which was dismissed) and just received a DUI. I feel like Ive been careless, depressed, crazy mood swings and all of the above. I don’t know why I feel this way and it is driving me crazy. I have lost contact with my best friends and even my father the past few months because I feel like I can’t trust anyone. How can I stop this over thinking? I feel like life overseas was so much easier and I was happy. Back home It is so stressful and I don’t know what to do anymore. Thank you for reading.

A. I had the good fortune to meet a high-ranking lieutenant colonel, who had served many tours in the Middle East. He explained that many soldiers found it stressful to be home. That may seem counterintuitive. One would imagine that it would be easier for soldiers to be home, to be in the presence of their friends and family, but that’s not necessarily the case. The lieutenant explained that when soldiers were stationed with the military, they had a definitive job. Virtually every moment of their day was structured. After returning home, that structure was gone. There was no longer a definitive role for them. For many soldiers, they were much happier when their day was structured and they had a definitive role to fulfill.

Perhaps part of your struggle may be lack of structure. The lieutenant also explained how difficult it was to interact with others in the way that he had prior to his being deployed. He was no longer sure how to behave.

Many soldiers, he also explained, never felt more alive than when they were fighting in war. That feeling was difficult to match or recapture upon their return.

You feel out of control and your behavior has led to trouble with the law. I’m not certain what disorder you may have. I would recommend being evaluated by a mental health professional. Many soldiers are struggling with similar issues and have been helped by mental health professionals. Check with your local veterans hospital, your insurance company or local community mental health center about what services are available to you. The lieutenant I spoke about above was a social worker and was in the process of setting up a private practice to focus his work on individuals struggling with the same problems you have described. Consider working with a therapist who specializes in the problems of working with soldiers returning from war.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice Blog

I’m 21 and I was raped almost two years ago and every since I have had this obsession with rape. I read books about people being raped and watch movies with really graphic rape scenes and look up stuff about it on the web and watch anything with rape in it. i don’t know why and I feel like I am crazy because though those disturb me and me feel like I am reliving it or really queasy or sad, I can’t help but watch or read about it. I pick up anything that has to do with rape even though I can’t even speak about my own experience without freezing up or not being able to go any further. I have never even been able to discuss the full details with anyone because it feels like I am reliving it, I have nightmares about being raped and am scared of the dark. I talk to a therapist but it doesn’t seem to help. I can’t get rape off my mind. It is constantly there like a creepy obsession I can not get rid of. I don’t know what’s wrong with me or what I should do.

A: I am very sorry and sad that you had such a horrible experience. I’m very glad you wrote. Most people don’t know that what you are doing is one of the possible very normal “abnormal” responses to a traumatic situation. What you describe is your attempt to deal with the rape.

When little kids go through a trauma, we often see them replay the scene over and over again in the sandbox. They are not enjoying this kind of play. They are reenacting it in the unconscious hope that they can feel more in control of what happened or maybe make it come out differently. Adults like yourself obviously aren’t playing in a sandbox but by watching movies, reading about rape and going over and over it in your head, you are also trying to work it through.

It was worth a try but clearly it’s not working for you as a strategy for resolving your feelings. You go over and over it but you can’t tolerate talking about what actually happened. The “obsession” is your way of telling yourself that you need help to bump yourself out of this never-ending loop of thoughts and feelings about the rape. Please listen to the good advice you are trying to give yourself. Find a counselor who specializes in sexual abuse. Your counselor will be able to give you the support and advice you need to move beyond this terrible experience.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

I’ve considered the possibility of murder for many years now, starting with my father when I was around 8 (he was heavily psychologically and physically abusive to me, and I have vivid memories of watching him beating my mum and hearing him rape her from the next room) though admittedly I did not fully understand the implications of the actions at the time, but rather just wanted a release from the constant fear in which I lived.

These fantasies eventually developed to being about other people, and now I have them about random individuals I may know nothing about. If I see an attractive man or woman (I’m bisexual) I’ll often imagine what it would be like to choke them to death, or tie them up and kill them slowly using an range of devices, more often than simply gaining a desire to have sex with them. There have been times were I have sat for hours with these things playing out in my head, and I really would like help in repressing them.

The desire to kill is not always present, as I seem to go through cycles of the urges disappearing for up to a month, leading me to believe they are gone for good, before they return to be just as extreme as before. My suicidal thoughts come about in a similar fashion and usually start up around a similar time, though the two are seldom present at once.

I have an exiguous conscience, I cannot perform sexually unless the act involves some form of violence or aggression, and my empathy for other people is outstandingly limited. However, I would like to repress these urges I’ve been having, as I know my death would upset my mum and siblings (the only people I really care for; friends are just for amusement, I wouldn’t shed a tear if they all died tomorrow, and I’m claustrophobic so don’t like the idea of spending the rest of my life in a prison cell. It feels good to get this in the open, even if I have used an alias, but if you could provide me with any help on this matter it would be much appreciated. Just to clarify, I’ve no killed anybody up to this point. Thanks for reading. Side note: drinking blood and cannibalism are also things I’ve considered, though I believe they are more down to curiosity.

A. You have articulately described how you are feeling. The fact the you have decided to share these feelings, perhaps for the first time, is a positive sign. You’re acknowledging that they are a problem and that you would like help. I commend you on your willingness to be open and to consider seeking help.

As you’ve noted, if you were to kill someone, you could spend the rest of your life in prison. Prison life is horrendous. Claustrophobia could be the least of your problems. Have you read about what it’s like to live in a prison? If not, you should. Michael Santos just finished serving 25 years of a 45-year felony drug sentence. He’s written several books on what it was like to be in prison. He also spends a great deal of time writing on his blogs and on his Facebook page about that experience. Below are several excerpts from his book “Inside: Life Behind Bars In America:”

“The system would cage me within the forty-foot walls that surround the penitentiary alongside nearly three thousand men, many of whom never expect to leave prison. Those felons live without hope of anything better. Every prisoner in the penitentiary [is only ]whispers away from extortion attempts, from savage gang rapes, from bludgeoning and stabbings… Prisons remove hope. They create resentment. They thwart family relationships, degrade each individual’s sense of self, and separate offenders in every way from society…”

Most of the experiences in his book “Inside” could not be reproduced in my response because of their graphic nature. I would encourage you to read the book so you can see firsthand what life is like inside an American prison. It’s worse than most could imagine.

Depending on which state you live in, committing murder might also mean being sentenced to the death penalty. Your decision to end the life of another, or several others, could devastate the lives of many people. Should you carry out your desires, your actions could be immensely destructive. All religions condemn murder as an act of evil.

I would strongly encourage you to seek help from mental health professionals. It is your responsibility to attempt to control these admitted desires. A mental health professional could assist you in controlling your feelings, repressing your emotions, and providing you with the necessary skills to control your behavior. You should not attempt to deal with this problem on your own.

Your urges are likely related to a need for control. As a child you were abused and surrounded by abuse but you had no power to change it. Any love and kindness that you received was in an atmosphere of fear and danger. Your mother was beaten and raped by your father. The abuse filled your mind. These circumstances had negative effects upon your normal development.

You were a victim. You were an innocent victim. It was wrong, very wrong. It was horrendously wrong. Don’t do this to another. Don’t be guilty of the sins of your father by replicating his actions. Condemn his actions and do not allow yourself to be like him.

You haven’t hurt anyone. He is guilty. You are not. You are still the victim. The victim of your father’s sinful actions. A good therapist will end your father’s abuse. He or she will end the lingering effects of your father’s abuse. If you deliberately hurt another, then how are you different from your father? How can you condemn your father’s actions, if you willingly, deliberately do as he did?

It would be irresponsible to ignore this problem and simply hope that it will go away. This problem requires professional treatment. I hope that you will take my advice. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice Blog

I have known my girlfriend since November of last year. We are both very attached to each other. It started off great but after a month, sometime in December her step dad visited her and sexually abused her one night. She told me about this the Next day itself and I have been supporting her through this. She has taken several therapy sessions and tells me she is recovering and much better.
There is complete lack of intimacy. While I understand it is difficult and I have been understanding and supportive this has now stared to kill me. I don’t know what to do. I know a man should be patient but it really weighs down on me. I can’t leave her I love her too much.
Please help. Please.

A: Thank you for asking this question. Your sensitivity toward your new girlfriend is admirable and your concern makes sense. The difficult part of this is the fact that both the relationship and the traumatic incident are new – making it a difficult thing to manage because there are so many new feelings and features to the circumstances.

On the good news side I am very glad your girlfriend is in therapy discussing this horrendous act. My encouragement is to have her ask her therapist what his or her recommendation is for you. As I see it there are three therapeutic possibilities: The therapist and your girlfriend can invite you in for a session to help you understand the emotional landscape of coping with this type of trauma. Second, this may be an opportunity for you and your girlfriend to seek couples counseling for coping. Finally, the therapist might recommend you have your own therapy for a while. I think any of these possibilities are good — it really depends on how the situation unfolds.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

I am writing cause I want to understand what is wrong with me and if I will ever have a normal life. About 20 years ago wheb I was 18 and after I had moved out of my mothers house, I had gone back to visit to make my father happy. I had gone into my bedroom from when I was a little girl to look for something and I had a funny feeling come over me and I had to leave the room but I could not understand why. That night when I went to bed I woke up crying and in a cold sweat…..I had a dream of something that happened to me in that room when I was about 11 or 12 years old; something that for some reason I had blocked out of my mind. I was in my room laying at the bottom of my bed with no pants or underwear on and my brother was kneeling on the floor at the end of my bed and he was touching me. He made me close my eyes and he would touch me down there using different things(his tongue, his fingers, his penis, a wet cloth etc.)and he made me guess what he was using. I do not have any recollection if it went any farther…..if there was any intercourse or for how long this went on for but I remembered it as if it was yesterday. I had been able to burry the memories again until now when I began having flasbacks again and I do not understand why. I question myself as to if it really even happened, was it my fault, did i deserve it? I have never really told anyone and it has effected me so much that it has pretty much ruinned my life. I am 38 years old and I have never had a boyfriend and I am so ashamed of my body that i have turned to food to destroy my body so that no one would be interested in me. I am so messed up and confused and just want it all to go away but it just will not. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!!!!!!

A. It’s difficult to answer your question about whether abuse had occurred. It is a realistic possibility. The dream revealed specific details about the potential abuse. It is uncommon to have specific, spontaneous, detailed and vivid memories about abuse if no abuse had occurred.

You may never know whether the dream is true. There is effectively no way to verify its authenticity. I would advise you to carefully record your dreams. Future dreams might reveal more specific details. Psychoanalytical theory suggests that memories are repressed because they are too painful to handle. Those memories are subsequently revealed when an individual is psychologically ready to handle them.

Many of the questions that you asked are unfortunately unanswerable at this time. However, one thing is for certain, if you were abused by your brother, you’re not to blame. It was not your fault nor did you deserve it. No one deserves to be abused. You were a child. You were an innocent victim.

It would be advantageous to seek counseling. Choose a therapist who specializes in abuse and trauma. There are many effective treatments to deal with flashbacks and many of the symptoms that you are experiencing. Your life could be greatly improved if you were to seek professional help. There’s no reason to continue living with distressing symptoms when treatment is available. I hope you will consider it. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice Blog

I have recently started seeing a therapist and he said I have depression and PTSD from severe childhood abuse by many people. Needless to say, I have trust issues. He is te first therapist that I have been able to open up to, as he is a very grand-fatherly type of person. I have only had 5 sessions so far, so I’ve been seeing him less than a month. I still don’t feel any better though. I am only just getting to where I can talk to him without getting so stressed I feel sick. He says its because I’m fighting the trust I’m starting to feel for him, which I think is true. But how long edits this starts to feel better? I’m starting to feel like I’m just wasting mine and his time. He is telling me how to try to change my thoughts in things, but I swear it’s like my brain refuses to listen to me. Is this normal? I guess I just assumed that this would be a few discussions and I would stop having flashbacks and nightmares, but it’s not. I don’t want him to think I’m not taking what he says seriously, and I haven’t even told him that in addition to childhood abuse, I was raped a year ago. I’m not even sure I should tell him. It seems so extreme that I don’t think he will believe that all this happened to me, I I hadn’t experienced it I wouldn’t even believe it. I don’t want him to think I’m making it up for attention, like my mother does. I hate the way I feel, and he tells me it takes time, but shouldn’t I be feeling at least a little better now after nearly a month? I feel a little better by the time the session is over, because he is such a sweet older man, you can’t help but feel comforted, but a few hours after my appointment everything is back again. I just want another opinion. I feel stupid that I know he is right but I can’t stop feeling bad.

A. It’s important to be realistic about therapy. You may be minimizing the progress you’ve made. As you noted, this is the first therapist with whom you’ve been open. The fact that you finally found a therapist that you are only now beginning to trust should be considered a major accomplishment.

Also, you have only had five sessions thus far. You and your therapist are still effectively strangers. You also have yet to fully detail the abuse that you have endured. Recounting problems and abuse is painful but necessary in the healing process. This is especially true in the beginning of therapy because early sessions often include recounting the most painful aspects of a person’s life.

You said that you felt “a little better” after each session. That good feeling is short-lived but the fact that you show improvement after each session is a good sign. If you continue with therapy, the likely outcome is that you will come to feel much better, and not just for short periods of time.

You asked whether it is normal to find it difficult to fully implement the advice of your therapist (i.e. “he’s telling me how to change my thoughts but I swear my brain refuses to listen to him.”). Yes, that is completely normal. If change were easy, then it would only take a few sessions to cure most psychological problems but that’s not the case. It is impossible to overcome years of severe abuse in only a month. It takes time but it’s worth it. It will be a cure, not just a temporary fix.

To deal with the flashbacks and nightmares, you may want to consider seeing a psychiatrist in addition to your therapist. A psychiatrist would evaluate whether or not you are a good candidate for medication. A reduction in flashbacks and nightmares would ultimately serve to improve the therapeutic process.

No, you are not wasting your therapist’s time nor are you wasting your time. In my estimation, you’ve already made progress. To quit therapy now would be a mistake. I would strongly recommend that you continue with therapy and try to be as open and as honest as possible. The more you reveal to your therapist the better able he will be to assist you.

In your next session, I would encourage you to discuss these concerns with your therapist. It will allow your therapist to explain what you can expect with regard to therapy. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

I have been having issues with trust, jealousy, suspicion, depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember. I am a 28 year old female. I have seen many counselors but have yet to be diagnosed with anything. I was sexually abused by family members growing up, which has led me to be very preoccupied with sexuality. I feel euphoric happiness when I am wanted sexually, or when I am engaged in sex. I always need reassurance that I am attractive. I enjoy attention from others…However, when my husband even looks in the direction of another woman I become extremely angry. Like a switch was flipped and my entire demeanor changes. I feel like I cannot control this reaction anymore. I am on my second marriage (my first husband lied, cheated, raped me and verbally abused me). I am extremely insecure. I always suspect my current husband is keeping something from me. I accuse him all the time and he has no patience for it anymore. I feel unable to trust, unable to feel happiness, unable to function normally. I often have thoughts of suicide. I attempted suicide once and was in the hospital for 2 days. At night I cannot sleep alone as I am terrified and have panic attacks. I had to take zopiclone for 2 years every night in order to sleep. I do not know what to do, or where to turn. I do not have a support system and I know that my actions and thoughts are not normal. Please help….

A: I am sorry that your therapy has not been more helpful. Rather than guess at the factors that are causing the symptoms you may want to get some more information. Whenever I have clients who are not making progress—or for whom there is no clear diagnosis–I encourage them to do some testing so we can get another opinion. I believe this may be helpful for you and encourage you to go for some testing by a clinical psychologist. Someone who can administer a battery of tests will give you some insight and help you with your therapy. A good evaluation like this will give you some understanding of the dynamics that you bring into relationships, and can provide a roadmap for your therapeutic growth.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

I don’t know how I feel; my feelings and actions are confusing to me. Okay. So this is probably going to be long and confusing for everyone reading this. I have a hard time expressing my feelings, and maybe it’s genetic because apparently my mother is the same way. My family has never been terribly close, and I have lived out if home with my boyfriend for a year or so before (I like to he independent), although I’m back home now. Here are some characteristics that I know about myself, I’m kind of a tom boy, I’ve always gotten along better with boys than girls, I feel I have to be the strong one, and don’t want to show my feelings in front of other people, I also do not like being the center of attention. I have very poor concentration and memory (possibly due to ADD but the symptoms only appeared a few years back); I have little memory before the age of 7. And up until junior high I don’t have very clear memories but I can remember things if people say something that reminds me, very different from memories of when I was younger where I don’t recall major things. I don’t think I had a bad childhood that could have affected me, even when I think about the worst parts I don’t really care, (divorced parents, little money, unhealthy father, abusive mother, sexually abused by brother(s)? not sure if more than one, I even watched my friends father die (heart attack) and it didn’t phase me. kind of sounds like bragging huh.). Every once in a while, it seems things just build up, although I’m not sure what things, and I have a bit of a breakdown. I used to cut (more of for something to do and attention, although I didn’t let anyone find out) and feel suicidal just because I didn’t feel that there was anything for me to do in this world, I felt what was the point of growing up if you’re just going to work for so many years doing the same thing over and over, and then die. Sometimes I still feel this way, like life is pointless. I do enjoy drinking and prescription pills just because it is something to do that makes me happy, and makes my day less dull. I have an extremely hard time interpreting my feelings, I don’t know if I’m happy or depressed or confused, I know I have a bit of anxiety I inherited from my father, I have been on pills for it, and I liked that they made me feel numb which made me happier but I drank almost everyday. I didn’t want to stop the pills because it was a different kind of drunk but I had to because you aren’t supposed to mix them and I ended up in the hospital after a while. Sometimes I get into this sort of numb mood where I can just zoom through my days and not remember much without someone reminding me or thinking really hard about it, it’s usually when I’m down. Sometimes I don’t want to talk to anyone, and other times I want to be around everyone. I feel like I’m masking my happiness whenever I’m around people, maybe part of staying strong. Also, I’ve been to a therapist before I got anxiety pills, and I really wanted to talk but I couldn’t get myself to speak truthfully because I don’t like the idea of talking to someone who is paid for it and really doesn’t care about you as a person, it’s just their job. I have never talked to any of my close friends about these things because they come to me with their problems looking for advice, and I don’t want to burden them with my problems. The situation is the same for this one teacher who always looked out for me, and kind of knows how my life really is, and I always wanted to open to him about everything, but I can’t bring myself to make my problem his problem too. Anyways, I don’t even know what my problem is yet. I really hope people don’t just ignore this question, I don’t know what is wrong, but I can never seem to think as clearly as everyone else can, every one seems to he able to do things so much easier than I can. One last thing, hopefully I don’t remember anything else, I’ve noticed in my relationships at the beginning everything is wonderful, I want to be with them and be affectionate, but then suddenly, not gradually, my feelings change, and everything about them bothers me, and I turn into a bitch and pick them apart constantly. I don’t want them to touch me or kiss me anymore; I don’t want to be around them at all. And then the relationship usually ends. One last thing, I have constant migraines or headaches everyday that the doctor said are tension headaches? That(s everything I can remember for now that I’m confused about. I’ll add more if I think of it. I just want to understand my own feelings.

A: Whew! It sounds like you have been doing a lot of thinking! I wouldn’t pretend to be able to respond adequately to all of what you are putting forward—but I do see a place where I think we could make some progress. That is your comment about the therapist who “really doesn’t care about you as a person, it’s just their job.”

Therapists choose their profession because they do care about people and know how to help. You saying that you don’t want to go because you believe the therapist doesn’t care about people probably comes from the fact that in your family the people who were supposed to care for you properly failed at their job. You think the therapist won’t care enough either.

My very strong suggestion is to give therapy another chance. Just do it for you—help yourself feel better by talking to someone who is trained to help. He or she is likely to do a far better job caring for you than you have said your family has done.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

I’ve suffered from depression from a very young age–pill overdose at 14 and mh hospitalization at 21. All of my “relationships” until now have been of a sexual nature and I have been very promiscuous since losing my virginity at 23. I’ve had about 20 partners, most of them as a result of prostituting myself–at 26 and at 30 years of age. I’ve felt like I’ve lived a double life for so long. Despite it all, I’ve managed to get myself in graduate school this year; ironically, I’m going for my MSW. I have been living with my current–and the only person I consider a “legitimate”—boyfriend for a year but dating for two. I question the authenticity or the healthiness of my relationship with my partner because he was initially my “john.” Needless-to-say, I have a lot of insecurities around his faithfulness. We have a lot of problems because I feel he’s not affectionate enough towards me and I’m always seeking validation. I love his family and he loves mine but I don’t know if he’s the one. I think he’s a great guy but I also think he’s as good as I’ll be able to do because no one else would accept me with my past. He’s a typical guy in every sense of the word and gets easily frustrated when we talk about “feelings and emotions.” He thinks our relationship is fine–and for the most part it is–and says I just can’t help but self-sabotage. He’s perhaps the only person that knows EVERYTHING about me–I told him about my depression, he obviously knows about the prostitution–but he uses it against me when we have arguments. I want to make this relationship work but I don’t know if it’s because the only one I’ve ever really had or because I think I’m in love. My PCP, who knows my mh history seeing since I was a teenager, suspects I have Cyclothymia and encouraged me to get professional help. Needless-to-say, I’ve been lackadaisical about it. Sometimes I feel like I want to run away from everything because no one will ever understand me but I also feel like I want to try to get better. I’m confused about my relationship and I wonder how much my mh instability is affecting my expectations? Or am I really asking for too much?

A: First I want you to know how much I admire your courage for pulling yourself together and making it into graduate school. MSW programs are not easy to get into and the fact that you want to use your evolution to help others is to be celebrated. People who have recovered from life’s hurts almost always make good therapists.

Let’s not, as the ’60s slang phrase goes, push the river. So far you have been systematically evolving and resilient in making changes in your life. You are having more of what you want and less of what you don’t want. This means your life is moving in the right direction. Someone who self-sabotages is typically ambivalent about their circumstance – so if this is your concern, keep talking about what you want and don’t want in a relationship. Clarity is the antidote for staying in an ambivalent situation. If you keep moving toward clarity the risk of sabotage goes down.

I am assuming you are already in therapy, but if not I would encourage you to use the services at the graduate school you are attending. This will help with the process of clarifying.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

Ok so I’m a normal teen but my mom has taken away my Xbox, stuck me with my annoying little brother, crushed my social life, and made me stay be her side all the time. All because I have PTSD, all I want is my own life and I definitely don’t feel like a I have PTSD, before the treatment I had many friends, the used to come over all the time, everybody loved me but now I can’t stand my mom. She is mentally torturing me. I am very active and always get my 60 mins of activity. But my doctor game me 90 sit-ups, 30 push ups, ect. A day, how this will help me with PTSD I have no idea. Also how is taking away my Xbox going to help, I’m a straight A student and only use to play an hour or two a day because all my friends were playing and I thought it was fun! So please help me. Is what my doctor and mom doing right? Or do I actually have the right idea. If neither can you find a new cure for PTSD?

A: I am not exactly sure what the situation is because there is too little information, but it is clear that you don’t feel you are being treated fairly. It sounds like you need to talk to your school guidance counselor. He or she will be able to get a handle on the details and give you some guidance about how to proceed.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

First, I would like to explain that I am a Psych major and have been in counseling for years for PTSD and now ADD, among other issues. I believe this person I will describe does have BPD, but I’m not a professional and can’t diagnose.

MY RELATIONSHIP WITH HER
Her boyfriend left her to date my ex, which led to us talking. We both attached quickly, started having sex, and two months in started dating others at her insistence. I told her I loved her, but she only “liked me a lot” and three weeks later she broke up with me. During this time, I was reading a book on ADD and caught a section about BPD, and thought “wow, that’s her”. We didn’t talk for nearly three months, then she comes back to school where I am. Since then, we’ve been having sex and seeing each other almost daily. While being “just friends” I have learned much more about her personality, and strongly believe she has BPD.

BEHAVIOR
She very quickly attaches herself to new people. She hates to be alone, and sleep alone – she sometimes sleeps with a particular stuffed animal. Also shows signs of anxiety when around unfamiliar groups. She is prone to mood swings, and seems to almost have multiple personalities. She was neglected by both parents, and shows ambivalent attachment qualities. She smokes marijuana daily, shoplifts, and has unsafe sex. She was a cutter, history of depression. She “hates herself”, and sees herself as ugly despite being very attractive. She has medical problems, including possibly never being able to have children. Lies and keeps secrets almost effortlessly.

RELATIONSHIPS
She was date raped as a teenager. Physically abused by another ex boyfriend. She has a hard time letting go of ex boyfriends (including myself) insisting on remaining friends with them. She quickly attaches herself to new people, seemingly having a new “best friend” every few months.

To me, it seems clear that she may have BPD, but I could be wrong. How can I best approach her to get her considering treatment?

A: While I admire your desire to help I am also aware that there are too many possibilities to consider when trying to diagnose a person. The list of symptoms and issues listed here could be a variety or combination of concerns. The question I would have is: “Why are you in this relationship”? Why do you want to be with a person with so many issues? Why do you “love” a person who only says she “likes you a lot”?

Since you are both in college I would encourage you to go to the counseling department together and ask to have a couples session. The therapist can then see and ask questions that would be helpful to the relationship, and if your friend needs help they can make the recommendation.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

I have anger and sadness, and my parents’ actions don’t help nor do my medications. When I was younger, I was diagnosed with PTSD because of physical and sexual abuse I received as a child. Now-a-days, I am on 15mg of Abilify and 10mg of Lexapro for PTSD and Major Depressive Distorter. But I am still extremely irritable and I often think of self mutilation, once again (I had self mutilated as a younger teen). I don’t know what my life is meant for, nor do I know why I was even born. Sometimes I don’t care. My step-mother really grinds my nerves. She always makes me feel awful for getting angry and so does my grandmother and dad. Every blow up is totally my fault, never any of theirs. Not even a little. I don’t know what to do about this, if I need more medication or if I need to swallow my fear and confront my step-mother about how I feel. Thanks

A: I am so sorry this happened to you and that you have to cope with this. I admire your courage in coping with these symptoms and personalities. I would strongly encourage you to do two things: First, I would take advantage of the fact that you are in college and go to the college counseling center and see if they have individual and group therapy. You didn’t mention that you are in therapy and I think both individual and group would be very important for you to get the support you need. Second, I would also talk to the counselors at the college about some relatively new treatments for PTSD (e.g., EMDR) so you can learn as much about the process and support needed in recovery as possible.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral