I might be suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder, but I don’t know. It might be Bipolar Disorder as well. I have a lot of mood swings, that can last a week at least, and sometimes a month. My moods varies between depression/anxiety with extreme suicidal thoughts and self-harm tendencies and “normal” episodes when I’m mildly happy and enthusiastic, but some other days I can be normal, not really depressed nor euphoric or something, but it generally doesn’t last much. The other day I may wake up depressed as well as enthusiastic and full of hope. It’s not stable at all.
You may say that I have the typical signs of a Bipolar Disorder, but my mood swings doesn’t last much you know, I mean today I’m happy the next day I’m sad and life goes on. My happy moments are usually alternated by sad moments when I feel like crap or when I’m extremely irritable and nervous. They say that Bipolar disorder usually works through episodes that last from 6 months to a year, literally, and that’s what makes me quite suspicious.

I looked through Wikipedia and social forums for Borderline personality disorder and it appears to be that I have many symptoms of the illness, including fear of abandonment, chronic feelings of emptiness, impulsivity, risky habits (alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, sex, wasting money) rage and anger.
I also have dissociative syndrome where I don’t know who I am anymore, I feel as if I’m getting out of my body, I sometimes feel very distant, too. Like a ghost. Like I’m not sure if I’m actually HERE or not, ALIVE or not. It’s really stressful. I also confuse my dreams with reality and have paranoid tendencies.

A: Of course it would not be possible to make an accurate diagnosis via an email query, but I am glad that you are taking the time to ask about your well-being. I can understand the concern and think getting a professional—a psychiatrist or psychologist –to help you sort through the symptoms would be a very good idea. The find help tab at the top can be of help in locating someone in your area.

But I would also want you to be aware of your strengths. You have listed the symptoms that trouble you and the possible diagnoses, but what are the strengths you have that have given you the resilience to cope and to seek answers to help you heal? While you are looking for a label for the condition I would also invite you to look at your strengths. Here is a link to the VIA character strengths survey which is free and can help you identify these features in your life.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

I fantasize about killing people in extreme detail. My most recent “fantasy” (I don’t prefer saying fantasize because I feel that people assume I like it.) was of me going to school with a gun and a camera and I would go to my home room class and close and lock the door behind me. I have everyone get into a corner and ask them what they think their problems are (I am recording from this point on). When they get done telling me I go through and tell them their problems. I kill them one by one and then point the camera at myself. I go about talking about my own problems and then kill myself. I don’t feel that I would ever do this I’m just wondering if this much detail is normal.

A. Your fantasies are abnormal and potentially dangerous. The most dangerous aspect of fantasies is that they allow the preplanning of an event. At this time, you have not carried out this plan but it is concerning that you are preoccupied with such violence. I would highly recommend that you report these fantasies to your parents or the school administrators so that you could receive the proper mental health treatment.

Having a fantasy is not illegal. You have done nothing wrong but your fantasy is indicative of the fact that something is troubling you. Often, people who fantasize about harming others feel out of control or powerless. Their fantasies often involve a situation in which they are in complete power. These fantasies might be a way to compensate for a perceived lack of power.

By telling your parents or school administrators, they can assist you in gaining access to mental health treatment. Counseling would allow you to uncover what is wrong and why you would want to hurt people. It can also help you to correct your thinking and feel better about yourself and your abilities. Please do not ignore my advice. Seek help immediately. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice Blog

I have always felt different than everyone else. I had never had real friends or anything besides my family (that is, my dad, my brother, and my mom); it’s not that I am myself with them; it’s more like they accept me with all of my eccentricities. I love math and I am currently participating in the Math Olympiad; thanks to it I knew about Aperger. There was a girl in there that was the only one I talked to, but unlike me, she could talk to everyone. One day (it happened two years ago) my father told me that the other girl father’s approached him and asked him if I had Aperger, because he saw me clumsy and antisocial and I remembered him of his daughter (that’s how we discovered that the other girl have Asperger). My father had never heard about this syndrome, so he investigated and told my family about what had happened and the symptoms and everyone began to make jokes about how I have Asperger and how I was even worse than the other girl, that last till this day. I try to ignore the jokes and pretend that I don’t care, but I am always wondering why they do this; if they actually think I have Asperger, and if they do why they had never been interested in trying to find out for sure. I don’t tell them anything because I am not sure if I want to be diagnosed. In a way I think I will feel better if I knew I have Asperger because then there will be a lot of other persons suffering the same thing, and I will feel less alone, but on the other hand, I don’t like been labeled and it would be useless anyway since I don’t think I will accept therapy. I am currently going with a psychologist (I had had three sessions) because of depression and anxiety but one of the things that she also treats is autism, so I been thinking about telling her so maybe she could send me to a professional or something, but I don’t want to sound as if I wanted to have Asperger. Is being diagnosed going to help me feel better? And should I tell my family first about my concerns?

A: I am very glad you are asking the question and writing us here. I think the best place to start now is with your psychologist because your family has not been as helpful as you would have hoped. Talk to the psychologist. She will be able to give your more information about what Asperger’s is, give your some idea of what treatments are available for it, and most important, give you a sense of the range of indicators that are part of making a diagnosis. She is the safest person for you to talk to about it right now.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

My boyfriend has an anger issue n I have been the victim for a long time. We both live together and he finds silly reasons to get angry on me or hit me even. He is mean in every way he can be but when I say I will him he apologizes and gives me fake promises. It’s really getting hard for me to take it but I cannot leave him as I feel pity on him, as he has no other family. I need help to cure his problem.

A: Thank you for being so courageous as to write us here at Psych Central. Many times when I get an email with a question there are two sides to consider and it is rare that I make direct suggestions someone should do to change. Your email prompts a very different response. You need to find a way to get out of the relationship as soon as possible.

I have considerable experience in working with angry men in domestic relationships. They are typically not motivated for change, promise they will treat their girlfriends better, but never do, and often escalate until there is a serious medical or legal problem. You deserve more than to be in a relationship out of pity, and he will not learn how unacceptable his behavior is until he loses someone he says he cares about. In other words, you staying allows him to remain unchallenged with his problem. It is time to go.

But do not go without support. Anger management issues with men often involve issues of control and jealousy. In your country you may want to get support from your family and church about how to go about getting out of the relationship. In general the men do not change until something drastic happens – like their girlfriend leaves them.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

i have been married for 4 yrs and from the first time we had sex he has had problems getting and or maintaining an erection. he has always maintained that it is not me but i am at a loss for what it could be behind this issue. i was hoping that you could offer some insight on possible reasons maybe ideas on underlying issues that could cause this type of long term issues .

A: I’m worried that the ads for ED that drug companies have been putting on television for the last few years have led people to believe that all it takes is their pill to solve this problem. It’s not that simple. One explanation does not fit all. Before deciding on treatment or worrying about who or what is to blame, it’s important to do a systematic analysis.

First, I hope your husband has seen a doctor. Most of the time there is a physical cause, not a psychological one. Some possible medical issues include low testosterone, high blood pressure, atherosclerosis, high cholesterol, obesity, metabolic disorder, diabetes and cardiac disease — to name only a few.

Only after he has been medically cleared should we move to considering a psychological problem. An evaluation by a qualified mental health provider can then be helpful. Psychological problems include stress, depression, former trauma and relationship issues that aren’t being dealt with.

I hope you will encourage your husband to get the assessments he needs. Once he understands the cause of the problem, he’ll be able to decide on treatment so you can both enjoy the tender intimacy you crave.

I wish you well.
Dr, Marie

I started a criminal life early, spending most of my 20′s behind bars. I never learned how to be somebody or even be in a relationship sober or that did not feel like a hostage situation. Years later(present), I came across an acquaintance of mine that came to see me in the hospital when I had a tumor removed, and well we have been spending some time together. We have kissed and I couldn’t believe that he kisses just the way I like. He listens to my type of music, we have the same believes and outlook on many things in general. It seems that he is my soul mate. I want to get closer and be with him a lot but I am insecure about my body because of scares and how gravity has taken over my body. I see myself playing stupid junior high games and I get jealous or made when he does not call or text. How can I grow out of this insecurity?

A: I deeply admire your courage for speaking about your past and getting focused on the present. I think it takes a good deal of bravery to honor your struggle. In this relationship there are three major influences. The first is the fact that you are feeling so many positive and engaging emotions that they may in and of themselves overwhelm you. Second, this is a new relationship and it doesn’t sound like you have had a sober relationship in your life. This could be quite unsettling and undermine you as you learn the dance of intimacy. Finally, this comes at a time when you are struggling for your personal identity; who you are, and what your contribution is going to be in the world. The confluence of these factors make for a difficult time.

As you mentioned in your profile along with this letter that you are in college I would highly recommend you find a counselor on campus and talk to him or her about your concerns. This will be the fastest and easiest way to get some help.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

I see and hears things that none else can see, mainly demonic faces everywhere that looks like a zombie looking alien with huge goat looking horns, the other things i see could be black shadows that fly so quick past me or someone else with me that it looks like a black bird thats flew past, or even see things that im afraid of like when i seen millions of spiders all over the floor but was told nothing was there. i hear voices that tell me i should cut myself or try to kill myself and the voice sounds evil,not human, i sometimes also hear like as though the telly or radio is going off but nothings on at the time. there are times i end up having really high moods where i end up going out shopping spending £100s in a day on just stuff to use for all my ideas i have in my thoughts, when i think of lots of ideas i cant concentrate when others try talking to me, and i end up shouting at them aggressively just to be quiet while i think. according to my friends or family i dont make sense to them or think of too much and talk too fast for them to know exactly what ideas im talking about. I have told my doctor all of this and a counsellor but none of them seem to believe a word i say as though they just think im a freak or making the whole thing up, what should i do? as its getting worse every week.

A. Your symptoms are unusual. What you are seeing and hearing is distressing to you. Your symptoms seem indicative of an ongoing, untreated psychosis. You are also experiencing mood swings and having difficulty controlling your behavior. If you are currently in the midst of a psychotic episode, then it makes sense that you would have difficulty controlling your mood and behavior.

Psychotic episodes require immediate treatment. They typically do not get better on their own. Medication could significantly reduce or eliminate your symptoms.

I understand that you have told your doctor and counselor about the symptoms but it’s unclear why they have not taken action. If they continue to ignore your symptoms, then you must find a different set of mental health professionals who can help.

I am also concerned about the voices telling you to harm yourself. This is a common experience among people who hear voices. If you feel that you might harm yourself or someone else, then it’s imperative to go to an emergency room immediately. The hospital can protect you and ensure that you receive the proper treatment. They can also assist you in finding a treatment team who will take your concerns seriously. You must do what it takes to get the proper help. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice Blog

I have been married for 10.5 years now and we have 2 amazing children. About three years ago my wife approached me and said that she was basically done with the relationship unless I changed things. I feel that I have changed those things and she still is very up and down about how she feels about me. I am absolutely lost as to what to do. I still love her very dearly and want us to continue on, she wants to try separation to see if she can handle doing it all alone and to see if she appreciates me more. I have suggested counseling again but she seems unwilling with that as well. What do I do when I want to keep moving on and working on it but she is not? She tells me that her biggest issue is that she doesn’t think that she is putting me first, which in some ways I agree with, but I understand the type of person that she is and that is not her. She gets so focused on the task that nothing else is going on around her. What do I do to save my marriage?

A: I can appreciate the struggle to save your marriage. This can be a very difficult time for couples to work through, yet I believe the information for each other is the case. Although you wife has made it clear that she does not want to go to couples therapy, I believe there are some viable options that are worth pursuing. If she is indeed looking for a separation then the mechanics of that may be best understood through a one-time appointment with a marriage counselor. This can help with the details of keeping yourselves separate while taking care of some of the functional matters such as paying the bills.

A one-time meeting with a marriage counselor sometimes allows the couple to sort through their issues with a third party present. When I make this proposal to my individual clients it is couched in the idea that it is for only one session; that you’re going just to get things out on the table and squared away. This often becomes an attractive option because it is an ongoing therapy and yet has an opportunity to open up that possibility or simply take care of the mechanics of the separation.

The second suggestion is to look for a couples weekend designed for an intense encounter for the two of you. These workshops are often held on a regular basis and typically have trainers who have good credentials if the workshop has been running for a while. Go online, find workshops that are in your area and gather some information about what may be involved in these workshops. Often couples that cannot withstand ongoing therapy may be greatly helped by an intense workshop.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

I for a while now have not felt fully human anymore. My friends the few I actual trust said I should get checked out but I know if they were to lock me up in manor of speaking it would make everything worse. I have for the past few years have been turning into a werewolf I know it sounds silly and stupid I cant really explain why. It happens on and off when it takes control or wants to and acouple times I have almost attacked my friends appearently and I don’t really remember doing any of it. I know my friends mean well but I cant go away they are probably the only things keeping me somewhat sane. So I guess my question is if I were to get this checked out by my psychologist would I end up being well locked up?

A. It’s physically impossible to turn into a werewolf. Perhaps you are describing a psychological change that occurs when you lose control. During one of those episodes, you nearly attacked your friends but have little memory of the event. Sometimes people with extreme anger issues describe experiencing a similar loss of control and loss of memory. You may also be describing a dissociative event.

To answer your question directly, if you were evaluated by a psychologist, there is very little chance that you would be “locked up.” Typically, the only time when an individual can be forcibly committed to a psychiatric hospital is when they are imminently dangerous to themselves or to others. You “attacked” your friends but you did not describe what you meant by this phrase. For instance, perhaps you yelled at them or were short with them during a conversation. In any event, it’s very difficult to be forcibly hospitalized so the chances of it happening upon your evaluation are unlikely.

A mental health professional would likely spend a great deal of time gathering information about your attacks. He or she would then create a treatment plan to address your symptoms. He or she would also probably suggest that you be evaluated for medication. It’s possible that a low dose of medication could significantly decrease these uncontrollable experiences. Your life would be greatly improved if these problematic experiences were eliminated. It would also improve the quality of your friendships. I hope you will consider seeing a mental health professional because it could greatly improve your life. It would also help you to know precisely what it is that you are experiencing. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice Blog

My husband has trust issues, and therefore he divides himself into pieces and hands them to different women so if one piece is damaged he still has the other pieces safe. He can’t have one complete relationship-emotional and physical- with the same person. It took me a while to understand this and it hurt a lot at the beginning, but now I want to know if this can be fixed. He doesn’t want to go to therapy, he says he’s been there before and it doesn’t work. He says he is working on himself and I don’t believe so because he still does those things, but that makes me think he really sees there is a problem, which would be the first step to finding a solution. He had bad things happen to him as a kid and I think that’s where this comes from. What he does drives me nuts but I like all the rest. Sometimes I feel I won’t find a perfect person but I feel this can be fixed. Help, please?

A: I can understand the frustration of being with someone who is fragmented with their energy and commitment. While I am very much invested in the hope of making relationships work, I also know what it takes for someone struggling with your husband’s issue to come to terms with it.

The main problem is that he would have to invest his all in a therapist. This requires the same core dilemma as the issue itself and this creates the conundrum. I think the only real shot at this is a weekend couples therapy workshop. I have made this recommendation to couples with similar issues. If there is a chance for a correction, the short-term commitment of a weekend has promise for opening up the process of healing. Without a commitment to some therapy it is unlikely your husband will be motivated to change.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

I’ve formulated a friendship with a man who has admitted to me he has a personality disorder (the name of which I do not know). He has told me he is incapable of love. He is, however, empathetic and charismatic. He loves people and surrounds himself with them at all waking moments. When you’re with him he is 100% in the moment, and will focus on whomever is in his presence entirely. However, when you leave his presence, it’s like you no longer exist to him. I tease that it’s “if a tree falls in the forest syndrome” He experiences horrible migraines, and treats himself with diet, and Effexor. He also sees a therapist.

My problem is this: we’ve kept our relationship strictly as a friendship so far. We have an intense chemistry, but have not acted upon it. I feel madly in love with this person, even though I know he has told me he’s incapable of love. I’ve tried to distract myself with other men, and with work, but nothing seems to stop me from wanting to be with this man. I know it’s my brain’s chemistry telling me this, but what can a person in my situation do? Is the only option to run? How can a healthy person love someone incapable of ever returning love to them? Can someone in their 40 some odd years of existence, whose never loved, one day love? Is it possible to have any kind of healthy relationship with someone that has a disorder like this?

A. I am not aware of any personality disorders in which one of the symptoms is the inability to love. It would have been helpful to know more about his understanding of the inability to love. That phrase may have many different meanings.

It’s odd that he is capable of forming friendships but doesn’t believe he’s capable of love. He apparently makes a distinction between friendships and romantic love relationships. If he is capable of engaging in friendship-type relationships, then he should be capable of other types of interpersonal relationships.

You have very strong feelings for him. You can’t help how you feel. It will be difficult for you to continue your friendship without sharing your true feelings. You should tell him how you feel.

Until you better understand what his psychological problems may be, you cannot determine whether a deeper relationship with him is viable. You need to explore his “inability to love” in more depth. Ask him to expound upon what he means by that phrase. Does he have examples? Did he try to love someone and it was a struggle? Where did the idea of incapacity of love originate? Don’t rule out the possibility that his “inability to love” is his polite way of saying that he is not interested in a romantic relationship.

Ultimately, you need to gather more information about whether he’s capable of being in a romantic relationship and whether he’s interested in doing so. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice Blog

I recently found my relatives I haven’t seen in over 30 yrs and I figure I would get to know them. I talked to them for awhile and now they stopped talking to me after they talked to my siblings and other relations,which they look at me like I am the bad seed who caused the stress and problems in the family. Granted, my life hasn’t been great and I never gotten along with my siblings, since my mothers passing, I’ve been trying to reconnect with my family but it seems like they do not want nothing to do with me and it is hurting me inside. I want to bury the hatchet more than anything, but they are not willing to. What makes this difficult, is the fact they keep dragging my name through the mud and I want it to stop.

A: Whenever there is such a group reaction from a family I think the best strategy is to make personal contact with the most willing person and nurture this one relationship. Don’t try to ingratiate yourself with the whole family. Work to build one relationship at a time. Make the effort to develop brief contact first. The idea here is to build on success—so the goal of a brief meeting is to have it go well and to set up another opportunity to connect again. Don’t try to solve everything all at once. If you have been out of the loop for 30 years it may take some time to reintroduce yourself to your family. Let them know who you are now, and strive to develop a positive connection.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

When I was little I loved my dad, but he walked out on me. And now I find myself attracted to older guys. Not too much older. But at least 3 years. Could not having an older male figure be part of the reason I only like older guys?

A: I appreciate the nature of your question and think it is a good one to ask – and I must say quite astute for a 14-year-old. Very good thinking.

The short answer is yes. I believe that our early experiences in our family can be very powerful influencers in our romantic choices. You loved your dad and lost him. You are likely to be looking for someone who can help you recapture that feeling of being loved, but without the loss. I have written about this elsewhere and will encourage you to read these two articles linked here and here.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

There’s a girl I met at my college who seems cool, and is very pretty. We’ve hung out a few times and things seem to be going well but a question she recently asked has me concerned. She said, “How would you react if u were with a girl who u love, and she reveals to u that she was born a guy?”
It could have been hypothetical but I’m not sure why she would ask that hypothetically. She definitely has a girl’s body: she is short, curvy, has no visible Adam’s apple, small hands and feet, and also has a girl’s voice and temperament. Still, that question keeps popping into my head and makes me wonder if this girl is transgendered. Could it have been hypothetical? How do I find out? Do I somehow bring it up?
I have nothing wrong with anyone who is transgendered, but if this girl was once a male–whether she was born a male and had a sex change or was born with ambiguous genitalia and was assigned female–I would like to know (if the latter is correct I’d have no problem continuing to date her, but the former would bother me a little bit.) We have yet to do anything more than kiss, and I would like to find an answer to this question before things go any further.

A: I think the only way to get to the bottom of this is to be direct and ask her where her question came from. Many transgendered people go through a stage of identity ambiguity where they strive to find what is called transgender congruence: A sense of feeling comfortable and authentic with their gender identity. Unless you ask you will not know the purpose of her question. Once you learn this you will be in a better place to make a decision about your feelings.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

My husband has trust issues, and therefore he divides himself into pieces and hands them to different women so if one piece is damaged he still has the other pieces safe. He can’t have one complete relationship-emotional and physical- with the same person. It took me a while to understand this and it hurt a lot at the beginning, but now I want to know if this can be fixed. He doesn’t want to go to therapy, he says he’s been there before and it doesn’t work. He says he is working on himself and I don’t believe so because he still does those things, but that makes me think he really sees there is a problem, which would be the first step to finding a solution. He had bad things happen to him as a kid and I think that’s where this comes from. What he does drives me nuts but I like all the rest. Sometimes I feel I won’t find a perfect person but I feel this can be fixed. Help, please?

A: I can understand the frustration of being with someone who is fragmented with their energy and commitment. While I’m very much invested in the hope of making relationships work, I also know what it takes for someone struggling with your husband’s issue to come to terms with it.

The main problem is that he would have to invest his all in a therapist. This requires the same core commitment as the issue itself — and this creates the conundrum. I think the only real chance at this is a weekend couples therapy workshop. I have made this recommendation to couples with similar issues and if there is a chance for a correction the short-term commitment of a weekend has promise for opening up some longer-term therapy. Without a commitment to some therapy it is unlikely your husband will be motivated to change.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral