I have always felt different than everyone else. I had never had real friends or anything besides my family (that is, my dad, my brother, and my mom); it’s not that I am myself with them; it’s more like they accept me with all of my eccentricities. I love math and I am currently participating in the Math Olympiad; thanks to it I knew about Aperger. There was a girl in there that was the only one I talked to, but unlike me, she could talk to everyone. One day (it happened two years ago) my father told me that the other girl father’s approached him and asked him if I had Aperger, because he saw me clumsy and antisocial and I remembered him of his daughter (that’s how we discovered that the other girl have Asperger). My father had never heard about this syndrome, so he investigated and told my family about what had happened and the symptoms and everyone began to make jokes about how I have Asperger and how I was even worse than the other girl, that last till this day. I try to ignore the jokes and pretend that I don’t care, but I am always wondering why they do this; if they actually think I have Asperger, and if they do why they had never been interested in trying to find out for sure. I don’t tell them anything because I am not sure if I want to be diagnosed. In a way I think I will feel better if I knew I have Asperger because then there will be a lot of other persons suffering the same thing, and I will feel less alone, but on the other hand, I don’t like been labeled and it would be useless anyway since I don’t think I will accept therapy. I am currently going with a psychologist (I had had three sessions) because of depression and anxiety but one of the things that she also treats is autism, so I been thinking about telling her so maybe she could send me to a professional or something, but I don’t want to sound as if I wanted to have Asperger. Is being diagnosed going to help me feel better? And should I tell my family first about my concerns?

A: I am very glad you are asking the question and writing us here. I think the best place to start now is with your psychologist because your family has not been as helpful as you would have hoped. Talk to the psychologist. She will be able to give your more information about what Asperger’s is, give your some idea of what treatments are available for it, and most important, give you a sense of the range of indicators that are part of making a diagnosis. She is the safest person for you to talk to about it right now.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

My boyfriend has an anger issue n I have been the victim for a long time. We both live together and he finds silly reasons to get angry on me or hit me even. He is mean in every way he can be but when I say I will him he apologizes and gives me fake promises. It’s really getting hard for me to take it but I cannot leave him as I feel pity on him, as he has no other family. I need help to cure his problem.

A: Thank you for being so courageous as to write us here at Psych Central. Many times when I get an email with a question there are two sides to consider and it is rare that I make direct suggestions someone should do to change. Your email prompts a very different response. You need to find a way to get out of the relationship as soon as possible.

I have considerable experience in working with angry men in domestic relationships. They are typically not motivated for change, promise they will treat their girlfriends better, but never do, and often escalate until there is a serious medical or legal problem. You deserve more than to be in a relationship out of pity, and he will not learn how unacceptable his behavior is until he loses someone he says he cares about. In other words, you staying allows him to remain unchallenged with his problem. It is time to go.

But do not go without support. Anger management issues with men often involve issues of control and jealousy. In your country you may want to get support from your family and church about how to go about getting out of the relationship. In general the men do not change until something drastic happens – like their girlfriend leaves them.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

I started a criminal life early, spending most of my 20′s behind bars. I never learned how to be somebody or even be in a relationship sober or that did not feel like a hostage situation. Years later(present), I came across an acquaintance of mine that came to see me in the hospital when I had a tumor removed, and well we have been spending some time together. We have kissed and I couldn’t believe that he kisses just the way I like. He listens to my type of music, we have the same believes and outlook on many things in general. It seems that he is my soul mate. I want to get closer and be with him a lot but I am insecure about my body because of scares and how gravity has taken over my body. I see myself playing stupid junior high games and I get jealous or made when he does not call or text. How can I grow out of this insecurity?

A: I deeply admire your courage for speaking about your past and getting focused on the present. I think it takes a good deal of bravery to honor your struggle. In this relationship there are three major influences. The first is the fact that you are feeling so many positive and engaging emotions that they may in and of themselves overwhelm you. Second, this is a new relationship and it doesn’t sound like you have had a sober relationship in your life. This could be quite unsettling and undermine you as you learn the dance of intimacy. Finally, this comes at a time when you are struggling for your personal identity; who you are, and what your contribution is going to be in the world. The confluence of these factors make for a difficult time.

As you mentioned in your profile along with this letter that you are in college I would highly recommend you find a counselor on campus and talk to him or her about your concerns. This will be the fastest and easiest way to get some help.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

3 months ago I went back to my home country. I fell in love with my best friend’s elder sister. She is 2 years older than me. We had known each other 3years back but we never spoke. This time we dated few times and then fell in love with each other. We are soon planning to marry each other but her past is killing me inside.

1) She had past 2 relations, I was a virgin. She is my first. She told me she never loved them. Both her 2 relations were only for fun. She never wanted to marry them. She had planned to just have fun and mess around. Later in life, she would marry some rich old man because she never believed in love. She had two men who wanted to marry her but she had kept them just as an option because she dint love anyone. She had also accepted to marry one of them. When we met, I had no idea of such thing. We fell in love and now she has stopped talking to all of them. We are soon planning to get married.

2) In her past relations, she dint even wanted to have sex. She had sex with them just because she they were gf and bf and it was necessary. She dint even like kissing them. Since we have been together, all these thought have changed.am I being lied to? The visions of her and her exes having sex never seem to get out of my mind. It is making me sick inside. The fact that she had them for fun never seems to go away. I do want to marry her and love her but the fact that she’s been there done that makes me hurt.

3) Her past often makes me angry and it is affecting our relation.
I love her but hate her for her past.
Kindly please help me,
thank you

A: It is not uncommon for people to have had a few intimate relationships by their late 20s. My guess is that you being a virgin and her having had experience in relationships is at the root of your concern. It is hard to imagine something we have not experienced.

That having been said it is important to note that at this stage of life it is unlikely that you will meet anyone that has not had a past romantic relationship. I would focus on the here and now you have with her. Here is what you have said:

1. She has stopped contact with others. This is a very good sign of her intention and commitment.
2. She has described her relationships in a way that makes sense – meaning that she was not in love and maintained them because she wanted options.
3. Her relationship with you has changed her thoughts and feelings about herself and what she wants.

Taken together this would seem to be a good indication of her commitment and willingness to be a partner with you. Your relationship is new, and this will mean that as you grow together these concerns are likely to take a back seat. Meditation may be an excellent way for you to modulate your feelings and angst about the situation. Over time her commitment to you will dispel these concerns.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

Hello, I have been dating my current girlfriend for about 2 years now. She currently lives with me for the past 2 months. I live at home with my widowed mom. My main issue is my girlfriend does not want to be around my family or go to family events. She comes from a cold family that does not get along well. I come from a warm loving family. She tells me she feels uncomfortable around them. She thinks they are Judgmental. I tried reassuring her they are not. Her biggest line is “I am not married or engaged to you, I don’t have to be close to them”. This bothers me and gives me concerns if she is the right one for me. I take in consideration she isn’t close to her family, but I think she is over-reacting. I had to leave her at my house to go to 3 family events already. I am wondering if I should move on or not. I am 30 years old with a good job and responsible. She is currently out of work, in the process of getting a certificate in billing medical assistant. I do alot of nice things for her, pay for her school course, etc. What should I do. I dont’ want to avoid my family just because she thinks its not necessary to be around them. This is the first g/f I’ve dated who does this… :(. Any help with be appreciated!!! Today my sister is coming over with her family for dinner and my girlfriend does not want to be here for it. I’m tired of hiding for her :(.

The key to understanding what to do is in her answer to you: “I am not married or engaged to you, I don’t have to be close to them.” Let’s take a look at what this means.

If she is living with you and says the reasons she won’t be with your family are that she isn’t married or engaged to you, does that mean that she will be fine with them when she is? Unlikely. It seems she is using it as a way to validate her reluctance.

The other possibility is that she is completely telling you the truth about how she feels. Since she is not engaged or married she feels no obligation. Since her feeling about your family is clear, she is telling you there are very clear limits on the depth she is willing to be involved with you.

I recommend couples counseling for the two of you to get this issue on the table. If she is unwilling to do this, or can’t evolve from her current position, it may be time to rethink the relationship.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

As a teenager I experienced violent anger which resulted in self mutilation. I spoke with and wrote to a “demon” that I believed was the real me trying to escape. I experienced episodes of increased strength when angry. I lived in a reality where I made up reasons my parents hated me. To this day I still struggle with feelings of acceptance. I drank myself into a more appealing persona and was able to overcome the anger and social issues of my teenage years. However, now that I have quit drinking due to my wanting to be a great mom, it feels like problems keep cascading. I fear that I will return to the mindset of my youth.

A. It makes sense that your problems have returned since they are no longer being suppressed with alcohol. Alcohol served as your emotional suppression strategy but it was a temporary fix.

You’re a mom now and it’s your responsibility to take care of yourself, for the sake of your child. All children need and deserve to have a healthy role model. If you’re having problems, they will invariably impact your child. Now, more than ever, is the time to seek help.

When you were younger, maybe you didn’t have access to help. You concealed your problems perhaps because you didn’t think your parents could help. Maybe you didn’t think they were willing to help but you’re an adult now. As an adult, you have much more power and control over the course of your life. It’s within your power to seek help and that is exactly what you should do.

I would recommend having a psychological evaluation with a mental health professional. When meeting with a mental health professional, you may also want to inquire about medication. Some people find that the combination of medication and psychotherapy work best to maintain psychological stability.

Be proactive. You recognize that your problems are beginning to reemerge and now is the time to take action. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice Blog

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for almost a year known him 10 yrs. He lives in Cleveland, I live in Columbus. He is a workaholic. He travels for his job, I rarely get to see him because all he does is work. His job is in the medical field, he makes a great deal of money which is great because he can have nice things for himself but never can have a social life. The problem is the communication. It is so bad. Yesterday on facebook he commented on his friends status that he is in Vegas for a medical convention. He didn’t even tell me he was going to Vegas. I asked him about it and he told me it was last minute. He apologized and I told him you need to prove to me that you want to be with me and want to move forward. Also, he is wanting me to move in with him, since he is never home I’m not sure if this will work out. He is fighting for me hard considering I have told him maybe we shouldn’t be together and he has said no I will improve. He said he does care and blah blah blah. My friends think he is a flake but I truly do care for this man and do see a future with him regardless of him working all the time or not. Please help!

A. This seems to be more serious than just a communication problem. You and he are not close. You may officially be a couple but you interact more as acquaintances than close companions. His friends know more about his whereabouts than you do.

I’m concerned about the fact that you “see a future with him regardless of him working all the time or not.” It’s like saying “I don’t care if he changes or not, I’m pursuing this relationship anyway.” You shouldn’t be so willing to stay in a relationship, regardless of the circumstances.

Moving in with him will not solve this problem. It could make it worse and create feelings of resentment and disappointment.

It’s important that you see the relationship as it is and not how you wish it would be or hope it would be. “Workaholics” prioritize work over all aspects of their lives. It is a choice that he has made. Your boyfriend has chosen to pay more attention to his career than to your relationship. His actions speak volumes. If he is committed to ensuring the success of your relationship, then it must take priority over his work.

Until he sorts out his priorities, I would strongly advise against moving in with him. You should only move in with him if you’re satisfied with the direction of the relationship. If you continue to struggle with the relationship and how to proceed, consider psychotherapy. Relationship issues are one of the most common reasons people begin therapy. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice Blog

I have for a long time believed my mother to be emotionally abusive. Recently after a fight with her, I began to google general characteristics of emotionlly abusive/narcissistic mothers, to reassure myself but I found several things that reminded me of my relationship with my 6-year-old little sister.

I often tell her, and myself, that I only want the best for her and that I want her to have the life I never had. I often buy her candies and toys because I feel like my parents give her even less attention than they did for me, but recently I’ve noticed that I’ve been telling her that I can’t buy certain things because they are too expensive. To reassert my point, I sometimes say things like “You don’t need that” or “You don’t really want that.”

I’m afraid that I’m manipulating my sister like my mother manipulates me. I’m also afraid that I am developing NPD because while I worry about spending too much money on her, I seem to have no problem spending money on myself, especially after a period of depression. I also noticed that I tend to give my sister my old things instead of buying new things and I’ve read that narcissists’ overly self-centered personalities cause them to give hand-me-downs to others and new things to themselves.

I like to think that I am being a good sister, but I’m afraid I’m just lying to my sister and myself. I just want to know how I can tell if my sister is affected by my recent behavior or not and how I can help her if she is.

A: With 12 years difference between you and your little sister, you are an important adult in her life. My guess is that she has always looked up to you. So, yes, how you behave towards her does affect her. Because you are so much older, you are a role model as well as a sister.

You are asking very, very good questions. At 18, you are at the age where you are sorting through your experiences and deciding what kind of person you want to be. You are trying out being generous and being selfish; being self-critical and self-forgiving; being manipulative and being indulgent. Although you could decide to be narcissistic, you have had the experience of being treated poorly by a narcissist so I don’t think you’ll go that route. But it is a choice. By looking clearly at what you are doing, you are taking an essential step in the right direction.

It’s wonderful that you buy your little sister treats but she doesn’t need those things as much as she needs your loving attention. A few minutes reading to her most nights or coloring with her or just chatting and snuggling will put more into her emotional bank than any candy bar ever could. How you give her your things matters more than the fact that they are old or new. Little sisters love to get jewelry and scarfs and things from big sisters when they feel they are being given something special that connects them to their hero.

Keep it positive. Give her attention and encouragement. You’ll find you get as much as you give from the relationship. It’s pretty wonderful to be seen as special through the eyes of a child. Meanwhile, keep asking those good questions and making good decisions for yourself. Your relationship with your sister is important for the two of you and it’s also important as a rehearsal for how you will be in realationships in general.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

My husband has trust issues, and therefore he divides himself into pieces and hands them to different women so if one piece is damaged he still has the other pieces safe. He can’t have one complete relationship-emotional and physical- with the same person. It took me a while to understand this and it hurt a lot at the beginning, but now I want to know if this can be fixed. He doesn’t want to go to therapy, he says he’s been there before and it doesn’t work. He says he is working on himself and I don’t believe so because he still does those things, but that makes me think he really sees there is a problem, which would be the first step to finding a solution. He had bad things happen to him as a kid and I think that’s where this comes from. What he does drives me nuts but I like all the rest. Sometimes I feel I won’t find a perfect person but I feel this can be fixed. Help, please?

A: I can understand the frustration of being with someone who is fragmented with their energy and commitment. While I am very much invested in the hope of making relationships work, I also know what it takes for someone struggling with your husband’s issue to come to terms with it.

The main problem is that he would have to invest his all in a therapist. This requires the same core dilemma as the issue itself and this creates the conundrum. I think the only real shot at this is a weekend couples therapy workshop. I have made this recommendation to couples with similar issues. If there is a chance for a correction, the short-term commitment of a weekend has promise for opening up the process of healing. Without a commitment to some therapy it is unlikely your husband will be motivated to change.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

I’ve formulated a friendship with a man who has admitted to me he has a personality disorder (the name of which I do not know). He has told me he is incapable of love. He is, however, empathetic and charismatic. He loves people and surrounds himself with them at all waking moments. When you’re with him he is 100% in the moment, and will focus on whomever is in his presence entirely. However, when you leave his presence, it’s like you no longer exist to him. I tease that it’s “if a tree falls in the forest syndrome” He experiences horrible migraines, and treats himself with diet, and Effexor. He also sees a therapist.

My problem is this: we’ve kept our relationship strictly as a friendship so far. We have an intense chemistry, but have not acted upon it. I feel madly in love with this person, even though I know he has told me he’s incapable of love. I’ve tried to distract myself with other men, and with work, but nothing seems to stop me from wanting to be with this man. I know it’s my brain’s chemistry telling me this, but what can a person in my situation do? Is the only option to run? How can a healthy person love someone incapable of ever returning love to them? Can someone in their 40 some odd years of existence, whose never loved, one day love? Is it possible to have any kind of healthy relationship with someone that has a disorder like this?

A. I am not aware of any personality disorders in which one of the symptoms is the inability to love. It would have been helpful to know more about his understanding of the inability to love. That phrase may have many different meanings.

It’s odd that he is capable of forming friendships but doesn’t believe he’s capable of love. He apparently makes a distinction between friendships and romantic love relationships. If he is capable of engaging in friendship-type relationships, then he should be capable of other types of interpersonal relationships.

You have very strong feelings for him. You can’t help how you feel. It will be difficult for you to continue your friendship without sharing your true feelings. You should tell him how you feel.

Until you better understand what his psychological problems may be, you cannot determine whether a deeper relationship with him is viable. You need to explore his “inability to love” in more depth. Ask him to expound upon what he means by that phrase. Does he have examples? Did he try to love someone and it was a struggle? Where did the idea of incapacity of love originate? Don’t rule out the possibility that his “inability to love” is his polite way of saying that he is not interested in a romantic relationship.

Ultimately, you need to gather more information about whether he’s capable of being in a romantic relationship and whether he’s interested in doing so. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice Blog

In year 12 of high school I took my cousin to my GP as she did not have a doctor. I have had the same doctor since I was 15 but for some reason I hate that my cousin sees the same doctor as me, even though I took her there to begin with. I was close to my cousin and helped her through a lot, but we drifted apart as she was very belittling of me and always made my confidence take a dive. I have also spent the last ten yrs in and out of hospital for multiple shunt revisions, now my family treats me like I am a child, the only person who supports me and doesn’t treat me that way is my GP, I liked the fact when I saw my doctor I was not relying on anyone else and we have a great friendship (she is a mother of 2 kids), but I don’t know why I get so jealous that my cousin sees her too. Seeing as I took her there in the first place? I have tried talking to my cousin but she just yells all the time. What can I do?

A: Since your GP is so close I would talk to her about the dilemma. She is likely to have had dealings with this type of issue and may have a creative solution – like perhaps having your cousin see a colleague.

The point here is that you need to talk about this with someone and your GP has been your go-to person for a while. I would draw on this relationship.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

My boyfriend and I have been together for 1 yr and a half. For this entire time we have never been happier, I love him to death and he loves me. We are loving towards each other, we communicate well about our issues and resolve them by talking.
My boyfriend once lied to me about who he went swimming in this pond near his house with. He told me he went with a couple of his friends and left out Danielle (Danielle is a girl we had issues with because I had feelings that something happened between them, Danielle is very good friends with his mom so he would be at his house often and he would usually walk her home late at night). After I confronted him about the strong hunch I had that that story was not complete he confessed did not tell me about her being there because he claimed he did not want me to think anything happened between them. I told him if nothing happened then it shouldn’t be an issue to tell me about her. He understood, apologized severely and promised to be open with me regardless of the situation. I forgave him and moved on.

A few days ago he was supposed to come over after class ended at 9pm. He called me at 8:45pm claiming he was going to drop his classmate off at the metro and go to his mom’s house for an hour to help her pack for a trip she suddenly decided to take. I asked why he had to go there and just for an hour if we were already going there the next morning? He said he needed to go there and would be back within the hour. A few minutes after we got off the phone I got a very strong feeling that something was off, I called his mom and asked for my boyfriend (Jim) and she was asleep and told me he wasn’t there. So I waited for him to get home and asked how it went as his mom’s. He blatantly lied to me saying it went fine that they didn’t pack too much. I also asked several questions about who the girl was he gave a ride to and he got the names mixed up even though he has known her for 2 semesters and when I asked him why he doesn’t even know a girl who he’s giving rides to name, he pinch his nose, put his face down and squinted his eyes and said he wasn’t sure what her name was that he thought was something, but maybe another.
I then asked him if there was anything he wanted to tell me. He said no. I asked him again and he denied again. I then asked why he was lying. He then asked “what do you think I’m lying about?” I then asked him again, why are you lying to me.

He then confessed to me he went to his friend Matt’s house instead to get some narcotics for his mother.

Here’s the thing, he has never lied to me before other than these 2 times that I know of. He is an amazing boyfriend that treats me like a lady. He talks to me like I am the love of his life and does anything to see me happy. And I am sure that he has never cheated on me.

What do I do? I feel like after this fiasco, I can’t trust him. I am now questioning everything he’s said to me. I believe he went to his friend’s house, but I just don’t want to forgive him and have him do this again a year from now.

A: I would rather trust a woman’s instinct than a man’s reason. ~Stanley Baldwin

For me this is at the very core of a relationship. In the long run this is a deal-breaker because trust is the very essence of love. Without it there can’t be a healthy relationship. I would make this a central focus now and explain what it has done to you, why it needs to be addressed and explain that if he wants to keep the relationship going that this has to be resolved. Otherwise you are building your love on sand at the edge of an ocean of potential lies.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

Okay, my mother, who is 63, doesn’t do anything for herself and this is causing major issues for me. She behaves as though she is 83 instead of 63. My father passed in 2000 and she went to bed for 6 months and I had to take care of everything. She finally got a job and worked for many years, but that was all she did. She would go to work come home and go to bed. So I was still taking care of everything while I had a job. Then she realized she could retire early and did so at age 60.

Now she just lies in bed all the time. She does not bathe, she doesn’t clean except to do dishes and cook after I have gone to the store and purchased food, she even put me on her checking account so I could take care of the bills.

I was laid off during the economic downturn and decided to go back to school and get a second degree which I am working on now and will be graduating soon. I want to leave and go to grad school but I don’t see how I can when she refuses to take care of herself. I don’t even know that moving out would help because she fully expects me to come back and take care of her, she has said this. Her favorite phrase is “I’m not able to” and I KNOW that therapy is not an option.

If she found out that I was even telling someone all this she would get very angry. Which is another issue as well. She gets worked up when I try to have a conversation with cousins or my brother that she cannot hear, even when they are not about her at all. I have no help. My brother, who is considerably younger than me, will not help and I can’t blame him. My extended family is also sick of her hateful, rude and mean behavior, so they will not help either. She lies and tells people she’s had 2 strokes when she told me that a CAT scan showed nothing of the sort, so I know that when I leave I’m going to be abandoning her, at least according to my family. She has always been this way, when my father was alive he took care of everything and she went to work and came home and laid around the rest of the day. I started grocery shopping when I was 12 because dad was tired from working in a factory all day and mom certainly wasn’t going to do anything.

I don’t know what to do. I know that I can get into a good Grad School but I won’t get any support. I was just starting to have the conversation with my parents about moving out on my own when my dad passed, and now here I am middle aged and still at home. Which makes people think that it’s because I’m a loser and I don’t want to leave mommy. Which couldn’t be further from the truth! I am desperate to leave and have been for many years, but I am afraid that my family will fall apart if I do.

I’ve tried reading literature on co-dependency but it doesn’t seem to fit this situation. I don’t know how to handle this. I could just leave, but what would happen then? If I stay my life will be trying to have a life while continuing to take care of a woman that could take care of herself. My family says to just cut ties and go, of course they add that I need a man to do this, which is just ridiculous, I’ve had boyfriends (they think I haven’t because they don’t stay involved in my life long enough to know and because I live at home) and I don’t need a savior, I just need advice on how to resolve this so I can move on. I’ve already been cheated out of getting married and having a “normal” life because of this, and I’m fine with that, I don’t know if I can forgive mom completely but I CAN move on!

A: Yes, you can move on – and should. This isn’t doing either one of you any good. You and your mother may not be co-dependent but it sounds like she may have a dependent personality disorder. First she was dependent on your dad. Now that he’s gone, she’s put you right into the slot in her life that your dad used to fill. She has been so indulged in this way of operating that she may be terrified of being on her own. She may be in a prolonged grief reaction, partly grieving your father and partly grieving the life she had. And she may be seriously depressed.

I don’t have enough information to make a diagnosis. But I do have enough information to see that you’ve been gradually seduced into thinking you are stuck. Your mother has you convinced she can’t live without you. The rest of the family is guilting you into staying put because they are happy to not have to deal with the situation as long as you are there.

Ask yourself realistically what the worst case scenario would be if you announced that you were going to grad school in the fall and everyone should get used to the idea. So what if your mother gets angry. No one ever died of being mad. So what if she doesn’t go shopping. At some point, she’ll get hungry. She’ll either order takeout or she’ll call on one of the other relatives.

To handle the anger: If she starts raging, you could just say something like, “I’m sorry this upsets you but your anger won’t change my mind. If you can calm down, we can talk about it but if you can’t, I’ll leave until you can have a reasonable conversation with me.” If she calms down, then have your conversation. If she doesn’t, then state calmly, and clearly, something like, “I see you’re not ready to talk to me. Let me know when you can” and go about your business. The key is not to either add your noise to hers by being angry or to respond with guilt. Stay clear and firm but kind.

If the rest of the family accuses you of abandonment, you don’t need to feel guilty. You can calmly just point out what everyone knows – that your mother is fully capable of caring for herself. Remind your brother and whoever else is offering an opinion that if they are so worried, they are welcome to take a turn at being caretakers, that you’ve done it for a very long time.

Finally: Please get yourself into some therapy. You need someone to help you deprogram yourself. As you pointed out, you’ve been part of this drama since you were 12 years old. It’s going to take more than a couple of helpful hints from me to help you break out. You need someone to encourage you and to provide you with practical advice along the way.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

There’s a girl I met at my college who seems cool, and is very pretty. We’ve hung out a few times and things seem to be going well but a question she recently asked has me concerned. She said, “How would you react if u were with a girl who u love, and she reveals to u that she was born a guy?”
It could have been hypothetical but I’m not sure why she would ask that hypothetically. She definitely has a girl’s body: she is short, curvy, has no visible Adam’s apple, small hands and feet, and also has a girl’s voice and temperament. Still, that question keeps popping into my head and makes me wonder if this girl is transgendered. Could it have been hypothetical? How do I find out? Do I somehow bring it up?
I have nothing wrong with anyone who is transgendered, but if this girl was once a male–whether she was born a male and had a sex change or was born with ambiguous genitalia and was assigned female–I would like to know (if the latter is correct I’d have no problem continuing to date her, but the former would bother me a little bit.) We have yet to do anything more than kiss, and I would like to find an answer to this question before things go any further.

A: I think the only way to get to the bottom of this is to be direct and ask her where her question came from. Many transgendered people go through a stage of identity ambiguity where they strive to find what is called transgender congruence: A sense of feeling comfortable and authentic with their gender identity. Unless you ask you will not know the purpose of her question. Once you learn this you will be in a better place to make a decision about your feelings.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

My husband has trust issues, and therefore he divides himself into pieces and hands them to different women so if one piece is damaged he still has the other pieces safe. He can’t have one complete relationship-emotional and physical- with the same person. It took me a while to understand this and it hurt a lot at the beginning, but now I want to know if this can be fixed. He doesn’t want to go to therapy, he says he’s been there before and it doesn’t work. He says he is working on himself and I don’t believe so because he still does those things, but that makes me think he really sees there is a problem, which would be the first step to finding a solution. He had bad things happen to him as a kid and I think that’s where this comes from. What he does drives me nuts but I like all the rest. Sometimes I feel I won’t find a perfect person but I feel this can be fixed. Help, please?

A: I can understand the frustration of being with someone who is fragmented with their energy and commitment. While I’m very much invested in the hope of making relationships work, I also know what it takes for someone struggling with your husband’s issue to come to terms with it.

The main problem is that he would have to invest his all in a therapist. This requires the same core commitment as the issue itself — and this creates the conundrum. I think the only real chance at this is a weekend couples therapy workshop. I have made this recommendation to couples with similar issues and if there is a chance for a correction the short-term commitment of a weekend has promise for opening up some longer-term therapy. Without a commitment to some therapy it is unlikely your husband will be motivated to change.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral