My 6-year-old daughter has become so contrary! Every answer to every question, (when there is an answer) is negative. She has huge tantrums at school when she feels she has been slighted in any way and becomes violent when reprimanded. She has been kicked out of two extracurricular activities due to her extreme behavior and is becoming isolated from her peers. I just don’t know what to do anymore. She has never been abused or neglected, and I have been as consistent as possible but it’s like she doesn’t care what happens to her at all. I am very worried about her. What is going on? How can I help her?

A: Thank you for writing. You are right to be worried. When there is a sudden change in behavior, it usually indicates that something is very wrong, either medically or psychologically.

It’s always important to check out the possibility of an undiagnosed medical problem so the first thing to do is to make appointment with the pediatrician. Another possibility is that she has been hurt by someone and is scared to tell you about it or doesn’t know how. You know she hasn’t been abused or neglected by you but are you sure that she hasn’t been hurt by someone else?

Rather than scold, correct or punish your daughter, I think you need to have a quiet and heartfelt talk with her. Explain that you are very, very worried about the change in the way she is acting. Tell her that sometimes when people don’t know what to say, they act out their problem. Is she angry about something? Afraid? Sad?

One useful question to ask is this: “How would things be different if you couldn’t have a tantrum?” Sometimes the answer to that question gives us insight into what is bothering a kid.

The key in this is to be as calm, caring, and supportive as you know how to be — no matter what she says. She is only 6. You are 35. You can keep your head even if she can’t keep hers. If she is negative, simply stay with her and ask what else she has to say. Reassure her that you love her and that you want to help.

Once you have more information, you may be able to figure out how to be more helpful to her. If not, I suggest you find a family therapist. You and her father, if he is in the picture, need to learn new ways to support, encourage, and help your daughter. It’s important to lay down a good foundation now so that the rest of her childhood and teen years are not filled with strife and stress.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

Hello! Between age 21-25 I went through 3 very bad relationships ended in rejection, on the last one I had to be hospitalized, I couldn`t eat for days huge stomach pains from stress but I recovered and moved on. I noticed now in my 30+ I have no feeling of compassion, my friends say I have no heart. If somebody dies I don`t feel anything I have to pretend that I care. Even my own father end up in hospital in critical condition and deep down I felt nothing. My body can`t produce any sense of emotion about anything. I don`t care, I do`n bother anybody but people around are affected and say I need to see somebody. Is this serious?

A. You described yourself as someone who does not feel emotion. Friends are also concerned about what they perceive to be your lack of emotion. In one instance, your father was in the hospital and you said you felt nothing. If I had the opportunity to interview you, I would want to know more about your relationship with your father. If you and he were not close and you did not love your father, then I would not see your reaction as odd. Parents and their children do not always have close relationships. It may seem odd to the outsider that you felt nothing for your father when he was critically ill but if you and he were never close, then your reaction makes sense. It’s difficult to feel emotion for someone with whom you are not close.

With regard to what your friends say, it would been helpful to have had specific examples of why they think you lack emotion. It would’ve also have been helpful to have had more details about the times in which someone dies and you feel no emotion. If the person who died was not someone with whom you were close, again it would not be unusual for you to feel no emotion.

One thing that we can say with certainty is that there was a time when you could feel emotion. In fact, you felt very strong emotion. The breakups you experienced were emotionally difficult. If you are indeed stunted in your ability to feel emotion, then it may have been in response to the devastating effects of those earlier breakups. Lacking emotion, or having an inability to feel emotion, may be an unconscious defense mechanism that protects you from having to feel strong, negative emotions.

My recommendation would be to have an evaluation by a mental health professional. The purpose of the evaluation would be to determine if your perceived lack of emotion is accurate. It may be but I do not have enough information to make that determination. It’s worth having an evaluation to know if this problem is serious. It is abnormal to not feel emotion and there are treatments that could assist you in correcting this problem. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice Blog

I fantasize about killing people in extreme detail. My most recent “fantasy” (I don’t prefer saying fantasize because I feel that people assume I like it.) was of me going to school with a gun and a camera and I would go to my home room class and close and lock the door behind me. I have everyone get into a corner and ask them what they think their problems are (I am recording from this point on). When they get done telling me I go through and tell them their problems. I kill them one by one and then point the camera at myself. I go about talking about my own problems and then kill myself. I don’t feel that I would ever do this I’m just wondering if this much detail is normal.

A. Your fantasies are abnormal and potentially dangerous. The most dangerous aspect of fantasies is that they allow the preplanning of an event. At this time, you have not carried out this plan but it is concerning that you are preoccupied with such violence. I would highly recommend that you report these fantasies to your parents or the school administrators so that you could receive the proper mental health treatment.

Having a fantasy is not illegal. You have done nothing wrong but your fantasy is indicative of the fact that something is troubling you. Often, people who fantasize about harming others feel out of control or powerless. Their fantasies often involve a situation in which they are in complete power. These fantasies might be a way to compensate for a perceived lack of power.

By telling your parents or school administrators, they can assist you in gaining access to mental health treatment. Counseling would allow you to uncover what is wrong and why you would want to hurt people. It can also help you to correct your thinking and feel better about yourself and your abilities. Please do not ignore my advice. Seek help immediately. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice Blog

I have always felt different than everyone else. I had never had real friends or anything besides my family (that is, my dad, my brother, and my mom); it’s not that I am myself with them; it’s more like they accept me with all of my eccentricities. I love math and I am currently participating in the Math Olympiad; thanks to it I knew about Aperger. There was a girl in there that was the only one I talked to, but unlike me, she could talk to everyone. One day (it happened two years ago) my father told me that the other girl father’s approached him and asked him if I had Aperger, because he saw me clumsy and antisocial and I remembered him of his daughter (that’s how we discovered that the other girl have Asperger). My father had never heard about this syndrome, so he investigated and told my family about what had happened and the symptoms and everyone began to make jokes about how I have Asperger and how I was even worse than the other girl, that last till this day. I try to ignore the jokes and pretend that I don’t care, but I am always wondering why they do this; if they actually think I have Asperger, and if they do why they had never been interested in trying to find out for sure. I don’t tell them anything because I am not sure if I want to be diagnosed. In a way I think I will feel better if I knew I have Asperger because then there will be a lot of other persons suffering the same thing, and I will feel less alone, but on the other hand, I don’t like been labeled and it would be useless anyway since I don’t think I will accept therapy. I am currently going with a psychologist (I had had three sessions) because of depression and anxiety but one of the things that she also treats is autism, so I been thinking about telling her so maybe she could send me to a professional or something, but I don’t want to sound as if I wanted to have Asperger. Is being diagnosed going to help me feel better? And should I tell my family first about my concerns?

A: I am very glad you are asking the question and writing us here. I think the best place to start now is with your psychologist because your family has not been as helpful as you would have hoped. Talk to the psychologist. She will be able to give your more information about what Asperger’s is, give your some idea of what treatments are available for it, and most important, give you a sense of the range of indicators that are part of making a diagnosis. She is the safest person for you to talk to about it right now.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

It’s not like I’m depressed or anything, I’m not suicidal or self-harming, thats why I haven’t really sought out any help until now. I’m not sad in any way. I’m usually either really happy, or neutral. I used to do well in school. I’d try to ace all my courses, but recently I just really stopped caring. I feel almost like I’ve experienced everything but dying. I’ve been in most cliques at school, I’ve had major and minor surgeries, and I have a lot of medical conditions (that I was forced by my parent to visit the doctor and take care of). I still ,obviously, haven’t experienced everything though. I hardly pay attention to the actions I carry out and how they affect others , the way they react doesn’t bother me. Even though I should care about how they feel,I can’t and I realize it’s hurting my family and the people I’m around and I wish I could care. When my grandfather died a few months ago, I couldn’t even cry. I attended to my grandmother, but I didn’t feel like I lost anything; even though I was close with him. Late February, I adopted a pet, hoping it would pave the way to caring, it doesn’t feel like I’m cherishing the time with it though. It just feels like a responsibility that I must attend to regardless if I want to or not. I have no idea if theres something wrong with me, I just don’t want to live the rest of my life in this grey void. I’m not looking for a diagnosis, just advice.

A. You may be having a normal reaction to difficult life events.

You had both major and minor surgeries, “a lot” of medical conditions and recently lost your grandfather. These are all major life events and all seem to have occurred in close temporal proximity. Virtually anyone would struggle with these issues.

Your medical problems and surgeries could be affecting your mood. Your medical problems may require you to take certain medications, which may also be affecting the way you feel. Virtually all medications have side effects which could produce changes in your thinking and behavior and feelings.

Losing your grandfather may also be affecting your mood. Sadness after the death of a loved one is normal.

Medical problems, surgeries and losing a close family relative will undoubtedly have an effect on your mood and behavior. Therefore, it’s possible that these events are the reason why you are feeling the way you do.

It’s highly unlikely that you will “live the rest of your life in this grey void.” You’re experiencing a difficult time in your life but you will not always feel this way. I would encourage you to share your feelings with your parents. Ask if there’s anything they can do to help. They may offer advice or perhaps suggest counseling. During this difficult time, be open with your feelings and make it your goal to gain as much support as possible. The more support you have, the better you will feel. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice Blog

Hello my name is luke, my mother is going down hill fast including anti social and chucking items away and not eating she has been diagnosed with schizophrenia and other things in life and it is getting to the point where i’m ripping my hair out from stress.I woke up this morning to find the coffee table has been chucked away all my stuff from the lounge room is gone I brought her a new bed and she doesn’t want to sleep in it she sleeps on the lounge from about 10pm to 1pm no movement she doesn’t go out or do anything she won’t help her self or let anyone help her. i’m 20 looking after my mother and the house I have no life. I can’t have a girlfriend and if I have friends over she gets angry at them. what should I do? Move out and let her be by herself? or put her back in mental hospital???

A. While I understand your frustration, I would advise against moving out and “letting her be by herself.” I also don’t think putting her “back in the mental hospital” is advisable or even possible unless there is evidence that she is in grave danger because of her behavior or illness.

You mentioned that she wasn’t sleeping and eating, two signs which may be indicative of a psychotic episode. The fact that she’s not eating may mean that she does need to be in the hospital to protect her safety. If that is the case, then it is imperative that you call emergency services or do what is necessary to ensure that she is evaluated at a hospital.

Your mother needs more help than you or any other family member can offer. That seems clear.

If this is not an emergency situation, then contact the local community mental health center, the local hospital, her doctor if she has one, or any other psychiatric or medical professional who you think could refer you to the proper services. There may be home health care services that could assist in your mother’s care. There may be residential living facilities or group homes in which she could be better cared for by a trained, professional staff. Your goal at this point should be to find the best possible treatment for your mother.

Also consider contacting other family members who may be able to assist you. I hope that you’re able to find the proper assistance for your mother. She is clearly not well and you shouldn’t be managing this problem alone. Utilize the assistance of others if possible. I sympathize with your situation. Caring for a family member with a serious mental illness can be an overwhelming task and few lay people realize this. You almost have to live through it to know what it is like. I know that you did not exaggerate when you said you “have no life” of your own.

Hopefully, your mother will improve. You should see a counselor to help you through this process and period in your life. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice Blog

I have been in a committed relationship for 1.5 years to a man that truly loves me. He has 3 daughters 22,18,16. I have a 19 year old daughter who lives with me. We moved in together then 3 months later his 18 year old moved out of her mom’s house and moved in with us. His 22 and 16 lives with their Mom in another state. His daughters are disrespectful, rude, pretend I don’t exit and truly unappreciative. The 16 year old visits as much as she wants, and for as long as she wants. Things got worse and eventually my boyfriend and his 18 year old daughter moved into their own apartment.

All I have been to these girls is kind, nice and generous. I have treated them no different than my own daughter. A couple of things that bother me that I don’t know how to deal and I need help. When I am around them, they completely ignore me like I don’t exist. My boyfriend still talks to me,and he says don’t pay attention to them but I think their actions are extremely rude.

The next thing that really bothers me is that they talk about my daughter and I on social media. Especially the youngest(16). She doesn’t say my name, but everyone knows who she is talking about. She says that she honestly cannot believe he is still with me and that I believe that I should come first before his own kids and this is not TRUE!

They have caused so much stress to our relationship and my sanity I have decided to disengage from these girls.I will be cordial, say hello, but will no longer seek their approval. What advice can you give me to help me with what I am experiencing? This is the most horrible situation I have ever experienced.

I love this man and luckily he is on the same page as I am and I have his support. He has confronted them about how they treat me and remind them that I only have treated them with respect and love. Please help me because when I go and visit their apartment all I feel is anxiety and stress. We plan on getting married in the next 6 months but I do not know how to deal with his awful disrespectful daughters. Thank you!

A: I’m so, so sorry for the stress and distress this is causing you. It must be wonderful to find someone to love again. It must be awful to be targeted on Facebook and to be so badly treated by girls you were prepared to love.

As difficult as it is, please don’t take their behavior personally. It’s probably not about you. You are the symbol that their parents are never going to get back together. They are loyal to their mom. They want life to go back to the way it was. As soon as you moved in with their dad, they knew that the breakup of the family was indeed permanent and they hate it.

You don’t have to be a “mom” to these girls. As you know, they have a mom and they don’t need another one. Hopefully, they will eventually let you be an adult friend. Meanwhile, all you can do is be yourself and stay cordial. You don’t need their approval.

What you do need is for their dad to step up and give you more active support. He may have “confronted” them with words but from the sounds of it, he’s a bit of a doormat with their behavior. There don’t seem to be any meaningful consequences for their disrespectful behavior.

How is it that the 16-year-old gets to come and go as she likes, regardless of her behavior? How is it that she’s allowed to keep a cellphone if she uses it to hurt you? It seems to me that he should be telling her that if she wants to visit, she needs to be at least polite. She doesn’t have to love you but she does need to treat you as she would any guest of his who is important to him. Ditto for the 18-year-old. How is it she just moved in? He can let her know in no uncertain terms that staying at his place means treating you well.

I hope you will insist, for your own sake and the sake of your daughter, that your boyfriend take charge of this situation before you marry him. There needs to be a significant change now or you will never feel welcome and at peace in your own home if they are around.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

My 8 year old adopted daughter has had 4 different therapists including neurotherapy. She has yet to have someone really diagnose or help us with exactly her problems. She was adopted at 2 years old and spent the first 2 years of her life being seriously neglected and abused.

Up to this point we have treated each behavior problem individually but recently my husband and I realized they are ALL connected. She exhibits a disconnected behavior from her mind/body. In that she doesn’t seem to care if she is uncomfortable or in pain. She urinates herself at night but also daily. She doesn’t seem to care and yesterday even walked around with feces in her panties. She will wear her pants backwards and will not tell an adult if she is hurt. She will not wipe her face or complain of bad smells. She would sit in the bath and burn herself if the water was too hot rather than complain or try to get out of the bath. She seems to have very little conscience when it comes to other people’s feelings.

One therapist diagnosed her with RAD and another with ADD. She is very manipulative and passive aggressive. My question is without knowing all the other details what type of mental disorder(s) would cause a mind/body disconnect? She seems to not feel pain physically or mentally. She can feel physical pain but does not react to it in a normal way. Please help!

A: How very, very sad. I agree that everything you are observing is connected. What concerns me beyond the lack of reaction to pain is the apparent regression to very primitive behavior.

It is indeed possible that she has reactive attachment disorder. When a child doesn’t have the nurturing and care they need when very little, the child doesn’t have a model for caring, for self-care and for socially normative behavior.

Unfortunately, it’s also possible that your daughter has another mental disorder. Autism, intellectual disability, childhood disintegrative disorder and childhood schizophrenia all include some of the symptoms you describe. That’s just to hazard a few guesses.

Without a clear diagnosis, therapy can’t be helpful. The therapist doesn’t know what should be treated. I urge you to take your daughter to a medical facility that specializes in childhood psychiatric problems. First, she should be thoroughly checked for any medical condition that may be contributing to her behavior. Then she needs to be screened by specialists in childhood psychiatry.

Having a chronically ill or mentally ill child is as stressful as it gets. I hope you and your husband are also getting help for yourselves. Ask your doctor for information about support groups for parents. Often other parents are the best source of information, support and practical help.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

I am engaged to the man of my dreams but his mother and I can’t seem to get along. Sometimes we are fine, but for the most part we are screaming and fighting with each other. She has a drug problem and steals from us a lot. She also has another son and treats him way better then my fiance and it bothers us big time! I try my hardest to reason with her and get along but it will be good for a day and then its right back to fighting, I want to get along but I am worn out and feel out of options! What can I do to stop this vicious cycle that’s putting a big strain on our relationship?

A: Why are you making this so complicated? Just drop your end of the fight. Don’t set her up to steal from you by having her anywhere near things worth stealing. Don’t respond to provocations. You can’t change her. You can’t make her love your guy as much as she loves his brother. You can’t make someone who is an addict and behaves like one want to clean up her act.

Talking, reasoning, screaming, and cajoling won’t work. You can’t reason someone out of unreasonable thinking. If she tries to pick a fight, all you need to say is something like, “I’m sorry you feel that way. I don’t agree so let’s move on.” If she persists, simply, quietly and calmly leave! Don’t give in to the temptation to start a fight by moralizing, preaching, begging her to be nice or scolding her. As you’ve pointed out, it discourages you both even further.

It’s the relationship with your fiance that is your first consideration. If he can’t back you up in staying out of the fights, you have another problem. I hope he learned long ago what I’m trying to tell you. It’s up to his mother to decide to change. He can’t do it for her. You can’t succeed any more than he can. Hopefully at some point she’ll understand that she is losing the chance to have a wonderful relationship with her son and new daughter-in-law and will get herself into treatment. Until that time comes, all you can do is lovingly and calmly detach from the whole thing.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

I am sorry to bother you, you probably get stuff like this all the time. Sorry. I um…theres definitely something up. With me. Ive always been nervous around people, but its getting worse. Thats not it though. Um…my brain feels weird, and sometimes I get really scared of the thought of even going outside, to school, etc. I feel really bad. Ill be happy then not. I think someone says my name or whispers but no one did. But it happens when no one is around too. I feel like im being watched a lot and occasionally like someone is reading my mind, then I really freak out. I zone out often to “wake up” kind of confused, wondering for a second where I am, or amazed that I am there. Time is weird too. Half an hour is only a minute or two. Or the opposite. My one friend that knows all of this, said one time I thought there were bugs, the techno listening kind, and that my step dad was a spy for my evil adoptive father (he really is evil), and i said i couldnt trust any one, that i almost turned on him but he convinced me otherwise. I remember it differently though. My brain, sometimes thoughts just kind of stop, like they floated away. Talking is crazy. Ill think I said it real clear but nobody replies. It either mumbles or is gibberish like this: Maybe wejlkdjfalkdfjcmk. I hope that makes sense. My brain is being weird now so this is difficult to. Daydreaming a lot and weird dreams all of the time, and figures in the dark and cool spots, like ghosts, noises. I get really scared. I just spaced and can’t really continue this. Im sorry again. Oh. But i have trouble concentrating, i didnt used to. And remembering things. I really dont ever feel like doing the things Im suppose to or should do.

A. Symptoms such as “zoning out,” waking up confused, and daydreaming are potentially symptoms of disassociation. You also seem to be experiencing symptoms such as hearing voices, paranoia and anxiety. Those are concerning and unusual symptoms.

If your parents are unaware of your symptoms, please inform them immediately. Ask them if they would schedule you an appointment with a mental health professional for an evaluation. The fact that you are having difficulty making sense of words may be indicative of a possible medical problem. For that reason, you should also consider having a physical examination to rule out any possible medical conditions.

Sometimes, teens don’t feel as though they can speak to their parents. They fear that their parents will not take them seriously. If you feel that you cannot speak to your parents, then go to the school guidance counselor, or another trusted member of your school’s faculty. Report your symptoms and ask if they would speak to your parents on your behalf. It’s imperative that you do not ignore your symptoms and find a way to receive the proper psychological assistance. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice Blog

Hi, Im wondering if what I went through was physical depression. When I was 7 my mother died and after that I would get sick almost everyday, it got better over the years and by the time I was 12 I was fine. Im 13 now and would just like a response to whether or not I suffered from Physical depression. Thank you :)

A: It sounds to me like you were grieving in the way that sometimes little kids do. I’m sorry no one helped you make sense of it at the time. Time does heal us after a loss. I’m so sorry you lost your mother so young and I’m glad you are feeling better now.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

I am very confused right now. I don’t know if I am happy because I always feel like something is missing in my life and I know I shouldn’t ask for more. I was adopted when I was 3 years old by a single middle aged woman, she’s often not home due to work and we’re not in good terms. I was told I was adopted when I was younger. My grandma always talks about how bad my father is and how he destroyed my real mother’s life. I thought that she was exaggerating first but when I met him, he wasn’t what I thought he should be. The idea of a father is not him at all. He has a new wife that said and my other siblings are with him. I hated him more, because my mother died of giving birth and here he is having a new wife. I don’t want to talk to men or adults because I figured that they’re the same as my father-selfish. When I started in highschool I came to conclusion that they’re not all the same. So I tried talking to them at least but still have problems talking to them sometimes. I have friends but sometimes I feel that we’re not friends, because they don’t understand me. Maybe because they have a complete family and they’re happy. I never really cried to them, and anyways they’re so slow so they will never understand that. I always cry alone, I dunno why.. out of loneliness or envy? It’s just that my life is better now than from my father but why do I seem to want to be reborn and have a normal happy family?

A: It’s understandable that you are looking for reasons for your unhappiness but you’re looking in all the wrong places. Your adoptive mom works to support you both. You have as “normal” a family as anyone else does. Very, very few families look and act like the families you see on reruns of old 1950s and ’60s sitcoms (you know: Mom in dress and pearls, Dad in suit, two to three kids all happy, happy, happy). Your father probably is more complicated than you give him credit for. All men are not alike. But you’re a smart girl. You know all that.

So let’s get to your question: Why are you are confused, alone, and unhappy? Partly it’s because you are going through the normal adjustment of adolescence. I know. That’s not a very satisfactory answer. But the truth is that your body is changing and most kids go through emotional turmoil while that is happening – at least for a little while. You don’t have much control over that piece – although you could talk to your doctor to make sure everything is going normally. Sometimes a thyroid imbalance, for example, makes things worse.

The other piece, you do have control over. You are alone and lonely because you’re not with people. However shy you may be, the “cure” is to get involved in something that you really care about with other people. Do you love animals? Maybe there’s an animal rescue group near you. Are you interested in music? Join a chorus or start a band. Do you love working with kids? Think about getting involved with an after-school program or some other activity where you could work with little ones. Are you interested in kids with special needs? I bet there’s an organization near you that works with them. By giving of yourself and by working side by side with others, you’ll start to find people who are more like you and meaning for your life.

Meanwhile, you also have some control over your relationship with your mother. Find two or three positive things to say to her every day — regardless of whether you think she deserves it. By going to work every day, she is providing for you. She adopted you because she really, really wanted you. She didn’t have to do it. She’s probably as confused and upset about your relationship as you are. You are both dealing with the teen years for the very first time. You’re both learning. Most parents have just as difficult of a time with it as their kids do, though in different ways. If you take the initiative and work to change the tone in your house a bit, you may be surprised and pleased with what happens.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

Hi, I am one of four sisters and have four brothers. We are a total of eight siblings. My father past away almost six years ago and so did my grandmother from my mother’s side. My mother was left to care for us all. She has never responsible to pay the bills in the house her responsibility was cook, clean and take care of her children. She has diabetes. After my father past away it has been horrible. Since my mother doesn’t work she received benefits for the 3 younger children. Social security and disability she also received Medicaid, food stamps and Section 8 Housing. She now lives with my four younger siblings. Without this help I don’t know where my mother would be. She has always struggled paying her bills on time and having enough food in the house. Me and my oldest sister are renting an apartment therefore we are not living there anymore. My oldest sister and I have helped her with everything talking to her, giving her advice; also financially we have helped her. My mother allows my little brother to miss school he hasn’t gone in like two weeks or more and he’s only in sixth grade. He doesn’t like to go and has had problems with bullying. I am afraid something bad may happen. Also my little sister that is eighteen dropped out at the age of sixteen and is now working part time. The seventeen year old is doing really bad in school with bad grades. Me and my older sister have given her a lot of advice and have tried helping everyone but it’s only so much we can do. My oldest sister and I are now working full time and currently attending college. I don’t want my family separated. I really want to help her but I have exhausted all my efforts. My sister and I have tried asking her to give us the checks she received so we can manage all her bills but she does not want to. No one else in the family wants to help. My two oldest brothers have their families and they are low income as well. My mother has an inspection coming up soon and it doesn’t seem like she’s taking it seriously. If she doesn’t pass this second time she is in jeopardy in losing the house. Please help me.

A. I’m sorry that you are faced with these problems. There are no easy solutions. As you noted on several occasions in your letter, there’s only so much that you can do. You cannot force your mother to be more responsible. You can’t change who she is. You also can’t force someone to do things that they refuse to do. Unfortunately, your mother’s unwillingness to change may lead to her losing the house and putting other family members in jeopardy. It is also possible that children and youth services will intervene in the case of your brother not attending school. The reality is that your power to effect change in this situation is limited.

You are doing all that you can do. The idea that you are doing everything within your power and yet problems still arise is a very helpless feeling but that is the reality of the situation.

Despite your very difficult upbringing, you managed to move out of your home and begin college. This is evidence of your resiliency.

I hope that your family situation improves but the reality is it might not. It’s important that you brace for this very real possibility. It’s never easy to be faced with these types of situations. It’s akin to watching a car wreck in slow motion. It’s unbearable to watch, especially when you realize that no matter how much you want to help your loved ones, there’s little or nothing you can do. For those reasons, I would encourage you to begin counseling. Counseling could assist you in determining your role in the family. It could also provide much-needed emotional support. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice

I am a soldier who is currently deployed. My wife who is home with our 2 children spends all of our money.
I don’t know what to do with my life, my relationship and family. My wife and I have been married for 5 years now. She is five years younger than I. We have two children. One is about to go through a major surgery for his feet.

She constantly spends all of the money she is given. I pay all of the bills. Which isn’t very much at all. Except I can’t save any money because she spends it all and makes me feel guilty if I don’t give her more. She doesn’t have a job. She doesn’t even have a high school diploma. So a good job for her is out of the question. My son’s surgery is hindering her from getting at least a part time job.

This is my second deployment and I actually extended to do this tour for the insurance. I had hoped to save a lot of money so that when I got out and went home I would be ok for a while. But it doesn’t seem like I will ever be able to do so. We fight all the time. I am always the bad guy. We also have issues with infidelity. I have cheated on her and she on me. It is a love hate relationship. We constantly fight and then make up. But I don’t think I can do it anymore. Please help me. This is just the beginning of my issues.

A: You’re right. The fight over money is only a part of a much larger issue that you two aren’t addressing. You two haven’t figured out how to be a team. Look at all you two are dealing with: Your son needs surgery. Your wife, in truth, can’t work if she is to take care of your son. You have money stress. You are far from home which leaves the daily decisions and child-rearing to a woman who sounds overwhelmed. A sick or injured child stresses even the best of relationships, never mind a relationship that is already in trouble.

I have no idea what the reality of your financial situation is so I can’t really be helpful there. It could be that your wife is being irresponsible. It could be that she is using shopping as a way to comfort herself. It could also be that you don’t have a realistic idea about how much money it takes to run your family. I do know that fighting over money is distracting both of you from far more scary and serious issues — like fidelity, your child’s medical issues, parenting, and managing the stress of deployment.

You two need serious help. The central issue is how to become a team so you can be the kind of parents your children deserve to have. Stop fighting and start talking. Really talking. Put aside the blame game. You’re both at fault. Get some help learning how to communicate and how to deal with differences of opinion without being destructive. If you aren’t getting home soon, see if your wife can arrange for a therapist to work with the two of you via Skype. Encourage her to see a therapist — not because she is the crazy one but because she can more easily get that kind of support. Meanwhile, see your chaplain about what kind of help you can get wherever you are.

Even more important than putting cash in the bank is investing in your relationship. Whether or not you two make a good marriage, you will both be parenting your children for many, many years. Creating a good working relationship now will make that go well for everyone.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

A 19 year old family member who was diagnosed with ADD as a teen and recently diagnosed as bipolar refuses to get professional help. He has had previous drug issues as well as law issues. no violence just dumb but it is straining our family, we never know what’s going to happen next. any suggestions?

A. This is a difficult problem. You cannot force people to do things they don’t want to do. You may be able to leverage him into treatment. By this I mean that your family bands together and informs him that he cannot live in your home if he’s unwilling to enter treatment. It may be the only way to convince him to participate in treatment.

Before getting to that point, there are other ideas to consider. Consult a family therapist. A family therapist can assist your family in determining the best way to intervene. Your family member may be willing to participate in treatment if other members of the family are also willing to participate in treatment.

Contact your local chapter of National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI). NAMI is a nonprofit organization that provides mental health education, advocacy and support for both individuals who have a mental illness and those who have a family member with mental illness. Most communities offer free support groups for family members who are dealing with problems like you are facing.

It’s not unusual for individuals with a diagnosed mental illness to refuse to seek help. It may be that he doesn’t believe he’s mentally ill. It also could be that the stigma associated with having a mental illness is preventing him from seeking the proper help. In any event, it’s important that your family continues to encourage him to seek help. There is a limit as to what you can force him to do but you should try everything within your power to ensure that he receives treatment for his mental illness. I wish you the best of luck. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice Blog