I started a criminal life early, spending most of my 20′s behind bars. I never learned how to be somebody or even be in a relationship sober or that did not feel like a hostage situation. Years later(present), I came across an acquaintance of mine that came to see me in the hospital when I had a tumor removed, and well we have been spending some time together. We have kissed and I couldn’t believe that he kisses just the way I like. He listens to my type of music, we have the same believes and outlook on many things in general. It seems that he is my soul mate. I want to get closer and be with him a lot but I am insecure about my body because of scares and how gravity has taken over my body. I see myself playing stupid junior high games and I get jealous or made when he does not call or text. How can I grow out of this insecurity?

A: I deeply admire your courage for speaking about your past and getting focused on the present. I think it takes a good deal of bravery to honor your struggle. In this relationship there are three major influences. The first is the fact that you are feeling so many positive and engaging emotions that they may in and of themselves overwhelm you. Second, this is a new relationship and it doesn’t sound like you have had a sober relationship in your life. This could be quite unsettling and undermine you as you learn the dance of intimacy. Finally, this comes at a time when you are struggling for your personal identity; who you are, and what your contribution is going to be in the world. The confluence of these factors make for a difficult time.

As you mentioned in your profile along with this letter that you are in college I would highly recommend you find a counselor on campus and talk to him or her about your concerns. This will be the fastest and easiest way to get some help.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

I guess she is my ex now, but I was in a reasonably serious relationship with a women about 20 years my senior (a subject that came with its own issues). She grew up around Redfern and Randwick in Sydney around the 70′s and 80′s in that time as a kid she did drugs and kicked around with some real dangerous and unstable thugs. It makes for a compelling story when spoken in detail. However despite how much we loved spending time with each other and how genuine our love for each other was. Her occasional anecdote about transporting heroine flipped a circuit in my brain, it feels like Neutron Bomb detonates in my head and I get stuck on furious! I can’t understand why this offends me? This was in the past, she has a good life and she’s buried that part of her. So why am I feeling like I have to fight my own hand to stave off slapping someone that I would never EVER HURT!

(This next section is just a bit of background it may help)

I was born in Sydney but moved to the Gold Coast when I was young, unlike my ex I was raised by loving parents (though separated). While my parents were both cops I was never exposed to any of the harsh realities of the real world. I learnt alot about life by learning from the mistakes of others (feel free to condescend to me about that). While my ex grew through experience.

So if anyone can shed some light over why I become undone by something that happened years before I was born by someone who didn’t know any better.

A: You grew up in a law enforcement household. While I am sure you did not have to manage the personal struggles of coping with unsavory elements in society, my guess is that you heard stories of how your mom and dad had to cope with people like your lover. This would make sense. Your parents’ livelihood and discussion probably led to you to have an opinion about those who break the law. Although your girlfriend broke the law she seems to have transcended her past and evolved into a good citizen. That is likely why you’re okay with her in the present moment, but furious about her past.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

I am engaged to the man of my dreams but his mother and I can’t seem to get along. Sometimes we are fine, but for the most part we are screaming and fighting with each other. She has a drug problem and steals from us a lot. She also has another son and treats him way better then my fiance and it bothers us big time! I try my hardest to reason with her and get along but it will be good for a day and then its right back to fighting, I want to get along but I am worn out and feel out of options! What can I do to stop this vicious cycle that’s putting a big strain on our relationship?

A: Why are you making this so complicated? Just drop your end of the fight. Don’t set her up to steal from you by having her anywhere near things worth stealing. Don’t respond to provocations. You can’t change her. You can’t make her love your guy as much as she loves his brother. You can’t make someone who is an addict and behaves like one want to clean up her act.

Talking, reasoning, screaming, and cajoling won’t work. You can’t reason someone out of unreasonable thinking. If she tries to pick a fight, all you need to say is something like, “I’m sorry you feel that way. I don’t agree so let’s move on.” If she persists, simply, quietly and calmly leave! Don’t give in to the temptation to start a fight by moralizing, preaching, begging her to be nice or scolding her. As you’ve pointed out, it discourages you both even further.

It’s the relationship with your fiance that is your first consideration. If he can’t back you up in staying out of the fights, you have another problem. I hope he learned long ago what I’m trying to tell you. It’s up to his mother to decide to change. He can’t do it for her. You can’t succeed any more than he can. Hopefully at some point she’ll understand that she is losing the chance to have a wonderful relationship with her son and new daughter-in-law and will get herself into treatment. Until that time comes, all you can do is lovingly and calmly detach from the whole thing.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

A 19 year old family member who was diagnosed with ADD as a teen and recently diagnosed as bipolar refuses to get professional help. He has had previous drug issues as well as law issues. no violence just dumb but it is straining our family, we never know what’s going to happen next. any suggestions?

A. This is a difficult problem. You cannot force people to do things they don’t want to do. You may be able to leverage him into treatment. By this I mean that your family bands together and informs him that he cannot live in your home if he’s unwilling to enter treatment. It may be the only way to convince him to participate in treatment.

Before getting to that point, there are other ideas to consider. Consult a family therapist. A family therapist can assist your family in determining the best way to intervene. Your family member may be willing to participate in treatment if other members of the family are also willing to participate in treatment.

Contact your local chapter of National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI). NAMI is a nonprofit organization that provides mental health education, advocacy and support for both individuals who have a mental illness and those who have a family member with mental illness. Most communities offer free support groups for family members who are dealing with problems like you are facing.

It’s not unusual for individuals with a diagnosed mental illness to refuse to seek help. It may be that he doesn’t believe he’s mentally ill. It also could be that the stigma associated with having a mental illness is preventing him from seeking the proper help. In any event, it’s important that your family continues to encourage him to seek help. There is a limit as to what you can force him to do but you should try everything within your power to ensure that he receives treatment for his mental illness. I wish you the best of luck. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice Blog

As a teenager I experienced violent anger which resulted in self mutilation. I spoke with and wrote to a “demon” that I believed was the real me trying to escape. I experienced episodes of increased strength when angry. I lived in a reality where I made up reasons my parents hated me. To this day I still struggle with feelings of acceptance. I drank myself into a more appealing persona and was able to overcome the anger and social issues of my teenage years. However, now that I have quit drinking due to my wanting to be a great mom, it feels like problems keep cascading. I fear that I will return to the mindset of my youth.

A. It makes sense that your problems have returned since they are no longer being suppressed with alcohol. Alcohol served as your emotional suppression strategy but it was a temporary fix.

You’re a mom now and it’s your responsibility to take care of yourself, for the sake of your child. All children need and deserve to have a healthy role model. If you’re having problems, they will invariably impact your child. Now, more than ever, is the time to seek help.

When you were younger, maybe you didn’t have access to help. You concealed your problems perhaps because you didn’t think your parents could help. Maybe you didn’t think they were willing to help but you’re an adult now. As an adult, you have much more power and control over the course of your life. It’s within your power to seek help and that is exactly what you should do.

I would recommend having a psychological evaluation with a mental health professional. When meeting with a mental health professional, you may also want to inquire about medication. Some people find that the combination of medication and psychotherapy work best to maintain psychological stability.

Be proactive. You recognize that your problems are beginning to reemerge and now is the time to take action. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice Blog

My sister is a married 42 year old mother of 2 girls. All of her life is has been a bit paranoid. A few years ago, she began taking drugs and drinking. When she got a full time jib, things seemed to return to normal. For the last year or so she has been really stressed out with work and family issues. Her paranoia has gotten to the point that she hears voices and sees things that aren’t there. She sees messages written in the grass, swears that her phone is sending her messages that her husband is trying to destroy her, a neighbors house burned down and she thinks her husband caused it because he’s part of some mafia, she believes her husband is having an affair with women he has never met, she has even started accusing her 14 yr old of conspiring with her father. She thinks my mom is in on this plot to destroy here. She honestly believes all this and more “out there” things. I do know that she has been prescribed Suboxone. She has sent me pictures of scratches in her furniture that she believes are messages from people. I see nothing. She refuses the idea that she may be wrong. I know that I can’t force her to go to a dr, but I really don’t know how to approach her about going to see someone. She doesn’t trust her husband, so I feel like its a bad idea for him to say anything. What can I do? I am terribly scared for her! She has never been diagnosed with schizophrenia, but it’s the only thing I can think of. PLEASE HELP!

A. It’s not clear whether she has schizophrenia but she does have symptoms of a psychosis. It can be immensely difficult to convince someone who is psychotic to seek help. As you have noted, she is paranoid. She thinks people are attempting to harm her. She has difficulty trusting even the closest members of her family. Many people describe the experience of psychosis as being horrific and frightening.

You cannot force her to seek treatment but you should encourage her to do so. Utilize the help of your family. Perhaps if your family banded together and suggested that she seek help, she may be willing. It’s unlikely, but it’s worth a try.

If she will not comply, then you may have to involve mental health professionals or the local crisis team. In your community, there may be a local crisis team who can evaluate your sister in her home. If they feel that she is a danger to herself or others, or is in grave danger of decompensating to the point where she can’t care for herself, they may be able to force her into the hospital temporarily. The hospital can keep her safe, evaluate her condition and provide her with the appropriate treatment and medication.

In the meantime, I would encourage you to contact the local National Alliance On Mental Illness (NAMI) organization. Virtually every community has a NAMI organization. You can call their local offices, discuss her case and ask for advice or a referral.

I would also urge you to call the doctor who is prescribing your sister’s medication. He or she may not be able to provide you with information about her case, but there’s no law against you reporting her symptoms. Perhaps her doctor and her treatment team may be able to provide you with assistance in this situation.

Undoubtedly, you’re faced with a difficult situation. The situation you have described, where someone is actively psychotic but refuses to seek help, is one that many families face on a regular basis. Utilize the help and support of NAMI, the local mental health crisis team, her prescribing doctor and the local emergency room if necessary. I hope this situation can be resolved successfully. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice Blog

I served in the military for 7 years with two deployments to Afghanistan and two deployments to Egypt. When my first deployment ended 2008 (13 month tour), my best friend committed suicide and it hit me for a few months. After those few months I was then sent off to Egypt for two years. Upon arrival back to America from Jan 2011 – July 2011, I noticed I started drinking heavily but never caused any problems. In October of 2011 – October 2012, I did one last tour in Afghanistan. Since I have moved back home, for the first time in 7 years, I noticed I have been literally uncontrollable at times. I already received a Drunk in Public (which was dismissed) and just received a DUI. I feel like Ive been careless, depressed, crazy mood swings and all of the above. I don’t know why I feel this way and it is driving me crazy. I have lost contact with my best friends and even my father the past few months because I feel like I can’t trust anyone. How can I stop this over thinking? I feel like life overseas was so much easier and I was happy. Back home It is so stressful and I don’t know what to do anymore. Thank you for reading.

A. I had the good fortune to meet a high-ranking lieutenant colonel, who had served many tours in the Middle East. He explained that many soldiers found it stressful to be home. That may seem counterintuitive. One would imagine that it would be easier for soldiers to be home, to be in the presence of their friends and family, but that’s not necessarily the case. The lieutenant explained that when soldiers were stationed with the military, they had a definitive job. Virtually every moment of their day was structured. After returning home, that structure was gone. There was no longer a definitive role for them. For many soldiers, they were much happier when their day was structured and they had a definitive role to fulfill.

Perhaps part of your struggle may be lack of structure. The lieutenant also explained how difficult it was to interact with others in the way that he had prior to his being deployed. He was no longer sure how to behave.

Many soldiers, he also explained, never felt more alive than when they were fighting in war. That feeling was difficult to match or recapture upon their return.

You feel out of control and your behavior has led to trouble with the law. I’m not certain what disorder you may have. I would recommend being evaluated by a mental health professional. Many soldiers are struggling with similar issues and have been helped by mental health professionals. Check with your local veterans hospital, your insurance company or local community mental health center about what services are available to you. The lieutenant I spoke about above was a social worker and was in the process of setting up a private practice to focus his work on individuals struggling with the same problems you have described. Consider working with a therapist who specializes in the problems of working with soldiers returning from war.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice Blog

I started smoking weed this summer for about 3 months. Maybe twice a day. Sometimes more. I never had any side effects, and it wasn’t to escape anything, I was back in LA and it was just a way to enjoy the beautiful weather even more. The night before I was supposed to leave I tried a bong for the first time and I tripped really badly. The day after I felt a little off but I was fine by the afternoon. I came back to London and like an idiot I tried a bong again (this is maybe a month later) to see if I could handle it now. I had another similar experience but because it wasn’t my first time tripping, I felt I was more in control but the day after i suffered depersonalization (or I just felt high) but it disappeared within one day. I went home for New Years and saw my old friends, everybody was doing something, they were either in school or at work and I started feeling a little useless subconsciously even though I’ve done more in my life than they have. On New Years I took one hit of a joint and went about my night- everything was fine. Two days later I woke up from a dream feeling dizzy and felt like throwing up. I fell asleep and woke up fine. For a week after, everyday I felt worst and I started having panic attacks (for the first time in my life) and started having anxiety everyday after. I was worried it might have been due to the weed. Anyways its almost been a month since now and im generally okay (my sanity score is 35) but i still dont feel like myself. Or maybe the anxiety and panic attacks were such a huge blow to my “system” that I am normal but I keep over thinking everything and doubting my “realness”. I feel like I have to fight my brain to stop overthinking. The weather is also really depressing here and being 23 im going through a bit of quarter life crisis (which is normal at this age), but the mixture of all this causes me to wake up sad, and today I just started crying just praying to go back to my normal self again. Any idea what’s going on? I feel im going crazy! I also tend to feel more relaxed at night at home.

A. Many people have experienced and described exactly what you are experiencing. Someone smokes weed and then experiences symptoms of depersonalization. The symptoms are disruptive and frightening. In fact, it has become a common concern among those who write into “Ask The Therapist.”

The fact that this frightening experience continues to happen exemplifies the dangers of smoking marijuana. If marijuana were highly regulated and its ingredients were heavily controlled, then perhaps it might be safe. That is currently not the case. The majority of people who use marijuana get it from a drug dealer “on the street.” Any drug purchased in an uncontrolled setting has the potential to be dangerous and can cause permanent psychological or physical damage.

Over time, your symptoms of depersonalization will likely decrease but we can’t be certain. You may want to consider seeing a psychiatrist who might prescribe a medication to assist with your symptoms. You may only need a low dose of medication to decrease your symptoms. Even if you decide against taking medication, it may be advantageous to consult a psychiatrist about your symptoms. Psychiatrists specialize in neurobiology and biochemistry and may provide helpful insight about your feelings of depersonalization. Also consider consulting a psychotherapist. A therapist could teach you coping skills and relaxation techniques to help with your panic and anxiety attacks.

Be careful. I would strongly advise against using illicit substances. Drug use is dangerous and has the potential to cause permanent damage. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

I’ve been on Prozac for over a year now. After a series of misfortunate events i resorted to self harm, and substance abuse to “ease” me depression. Now a year later i find that i am very happy with my life and feel it might be time to get off this medication. I’m terrified i will feel like i did prior to the medication and go back to my old ways. I hated who I was and don’t want to go back to that low place, but don’t want to be dependent on medication either. What’s your opinion?

A. Stopping your medication may not be a good idea, at least at this time. As you stated, you’re “very happy with your life.” I understand your concern about not wanting to be dependent on medication, but it doesn’t make sense to make a change when things are going so well. Stopping the medication may be risky.

You are in an envious position; you’re happy and symptom-free. You may not always need the medication and you may not need it now. However, you need to realize that how you are feeling now is at least in part due to the medication. You may be just fine without the medication. There is no way to know for sure. With the help of your prescribing physician, you could try to slowly reduce the amount you take, while being closely monitored. If all goes well, you will eventually be medication-free.

I would recommend consulting your prescribing physician about your dependency concerns. He or she may have an alternative view of the situation and help you to better understand the necessity of medication or help you to come off the medication. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

My mother hasn’t been around most of my life. She has been a drug addict since before I was born and my parents divorced when I was 5. Then she moved back in when I was 7 or 8 and my dad kicked her out for good when I was around 14. She was bipolar and depressed a lot. My girlfriend thinks I have issues because of this and I think it’s a major reason I can never trust a girl. Also most of my friends think I’m very insensitive and rude to people especially to my girlfriend but I don’t ever feel I’m being rude. Are their any particular issues guys can have from being raised without a mom? I couldn’t find anything on it so I guess it’s not common.

A: Thank you for asking this question. The best thing I can say is that there are concerns whenever a parent is emotionally unavailable. In your mom’s case her mental illness and drug addiction kept her from being emotionally and then physically available to you. When this happens people cope in a variety of different ways. The coping style is likely to be something that will inform your future relationships. Here are two articles I have written on this process that may be helpful for you. My encouragement is to go to the counseling center at your university and begin talking about this. I think will help you learn more about your coping mechanism and how it may be affecting you.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

I have problems gathering between being a bodybuilder and a normal person in the same time!
I love bodybuilding but when I start training this kind of sport, I find my self aggressive and violent and I find my self rating people with their strength in daily life not with their minds and other talents (since I find my self stronger than them).
Another problem when I practice bodybuilding is that I get very addicted to this sport and I over train and it spends most of my time in getting more experience and workouts where sometimes there are more important things to do than that like studying.
So how do I practice strength sports while in the same time be a normal wise person that becomes perfect in every field of his daily life without mixing strength in everything.
In other words, how do I concentrate my strength only at the time of my workout then forget about it until the next workout time?
Or lets say how do I isolate my talents, so when I’m in engineering study I become a perfect engineer, not thinking at all about anything except engineering and in the same time become a successful athlete.
If I was a great engineer I don’t want to be too serious and if I was a great bodybuilder I don’t want to be so violent.
I don’t want what I do to affect my attitude.

A: I have worked with other bodybuilders and I can appreciate your concern. Two things are important here—and almost all the bodybuilders who have spoken of aggressive and comparative tendencies have mentioned this. The first is the fact that many bodybuilders—dare I say most—use additives to increase their protein intake and often their testosterone. A number also use steroids or derivatives to enhance their size and strength. The secondary effect of these additives can often cause unwanted aggression.

I suggest you talk with your community of bodybuilders as they have likely had experience with this, then to a sports psychologist. This can give you some insight as to managing the intensity of training with the rest of your life.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

I’ve been having issues ever since this summer. I’ve always been very healthy, mentally and physically. I got into pot and alcohol in college, but not much. I was responsible and wouldn’t do anything to jeopardize my schooling. Last summer, I had a panic attack that lasted 3 to 4 hours. I took a hit of weed and almost immediately felt like I was having a heart attack. Then I paced for 3 hours straight. I have had 4 smaller attacks since then. Sometimes I feel like life might not be real. I have cried for no reason a few times, been generally moody. I don’t understand what’s wrong, I feel like I’m going crazy.

A. Your experience of smoking marijuana and subsequently developing frightening symptoms is very common. I’ve heard many similar stories.

Simply put, drug use is dangerous. This is especially true with regard to illicit drugs because they are purchased “on the street.” Illicit drugs are created outside of a controlled lab setting and thus their ingredients are unknown. All street drugs have the potential to be laced with an untold number of unknown poisons, and that is one of the many reasons why they are so dangerous.

It is possible that your symptoms are associated with drug use. Unfortunately, you can’t know that with certainty but it is a realistic possibility. You can’t change the fact that you have used drugs but you can avoid illicit drug use in the future.

I would recommend seeing a therapist. A therapist could assist you in developing strategies to combat your feelings of dissociation. The therapist might also recommend meditation or deep breathing exercises. Consider seeing a psychiatrist to determine if you are a candidate for medication. Medication might temporarily assist with your symptoms. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

We have a 7month old. He works full time, but when he runs out of money for his addiction he asks me to lend him money from payout i got. Says he will give it back next pay next pay next pay and so on. He pays the bills and thats its the rest he injects. His forever trying to straighten up but cannot even last 2 days clean. Should i leave or stay? We have been together 2 years. I cannot take his lies no more, he steals if theres no money around or takes item to cash changing stores. Im going mad and i dont want my child exposed to this addiction.

A. Heroin addiction is insidious. Often, the addiction will progress, leading to arrest or drug overdose. His addiction is damaging your life in multiple ways. He lies and steals from you and this behavior likely will continue. He currently pays the bills but soon that money might be spent on feeding his addiction. That puts the livelihood of your family in serious jeopardy; it may mean that you soon will not have a place to live, money for food, and so forth. You can’t allow that to happen.

You have to protect yourself and your new baby. Give him an ultimatum. Insist that he go to rehab or you will leave. Without the ultimatum, you risk enabling his behavior.

Dealing with drug addiction is a serious challenge. It is imperative that you connect with some of the professional organizations that specialize in assisting family members who have loved ones with addictions. Nar-Anon is devoted to persons dealing with addicted family members. Nar-Anon groups can be found in most communities and their services are free of charge. You may also want to consider seeing a therapist who could gather the specific details about your situation and advise you about how best to proceed. I anticipate this being a very trying time for you and thus it would be prudent to surround yourself with supportive, knowledgeable professionals. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

I don’t know how I feel; my feelings and actions are confusing to me. Okay. So this is probably going to be long and confusing for everyone reading this. I have a hard time expressing my feelings, and maybe it’s genetic because apparently my mother is the same way. My family has never been terribly close, and I have lived out if home with my boyfriend for a year or so before (I like to he independent), although I’m back home now. Here are some characteristics that I know about myself, I’m kind of a tom boy, I’ve always gotten along better with boys than girls, I feel I have to be the strong one, and don’t want to show my feelings in front of other people, I also do not like being the center of attention. I have very poor concentration and memory (possibly due to ADD but the symptoms only appeared a few years back); I have little memory before the age of 7. And up until junior high I don’t have very clear memories but I can remember things if people say something that reminds me, very different from memories of when I was younger where I don’t recall major things. I don’t think I had a bad childhood that could have affected me, even when I think about the worst parts I don’t really care, (divorced parents, little money, unhealthy father, abusive mother, sexually abused by brother(s)? not sure if more than one, I even watched my friends father die (heart attack) and it didn’t phase me. kind of sounds like bragging huh.). Every once in a while, it seems things just build up, although I’m not sure what things, and I have a bit of a breakdown. I used to cut (more of for something to do and attention, although I didn’t let anyone find out) and feel suicidal just because I didn’t feel that there was anything for me to do in this world, I felt what was the point of growing up if you’re just going to work for so many years doing the same thing over and over, and then die. Sometimes I still feel this way, like life is pointless. I do enjoy drinking and prescription pills just because it is something to do that makes me happy, and makes my day less dull. I have an extremely hard time interpreting my feelings, I don’t know if I’m happy or depressed or confused, I know I have a bit of anxiety I inherited from my father, I have been on pills for it, and I liked that they made me feel numb which made me happier but I drank almost everyday. I didn’t want to stop the pills because it was a different kind of drunk but I had to because you aren’t supposed to mix them and I ended up in the hospital after a while. Sometimes I get into this sort of numb mood where I can just zoom through my days and not remember much without someone reminding me or thinking really hard about it, it’s usually when I’m down. Sometimes I don’t want to talk to anyone, and other times I want to be around everyone. I feel like I’m masking my happiness whenever I’m around people, maybe part of staying strong. Also, I’ve been to a therapist before I got anxiety pills, and I really wanted to talk but I couldn’t get myself to speak truthfully because I don’t like the idea of talking to someone who is paid for it and really doesn’t care about you as a person, it’s just their job. I have never talked to any of my close friends about these things because they come to me with their problems looking for advice, and I don’t want to burden them with my problems. The situation is the same for this one teacher who always looked out for me, and kind of knows how my life really is, and I always wanted to open to him about everything, but I can’t bring myself to make my problem his problem too. Anyways, I don’t even know what my problem is yet. I really hope people don’t just ignore this question, I don’t know what is wrong, but I can never seem to think as clearly as everyone else can, every one seems to he able to do things so much easier than I can. One last thing, hopefully I don’t remember anything else, I’ve noticed in my relationships at the beginning everything is wonderful, I want to be with them and be affectionate, but then suddenly, not gradually, my feelings change, and everything about them bothers me, and I turn into a bitch and pick them apart constantly. I don’t want them to touch me or kiss me anymore; I don’t want to be around them at all. And then the relationship usually ends. One last thing, I have constant migraines or headaches everyday that the doctor said are tension headaches? That(s everything I can remember for now that I’m confused about. I’ll add more if I think of it. I just want to understand my own feelings.

A: Whew! It sounds like you have been doing a lot of thinking! I wouldn’t pretend to be able to respond adequately to all of what you are putting forward—but I do see a place where I think we could make some progress. That is your comment about the therapist who “really doesn’t care about you as a person, it’s just their job.”

Therapists choose their profession because they do care about people and know how to help. You saying that you don’t want to go because you believe the therapist doesn’t care about people probably comes from the fact that in your family the people who were supposed to care for you properly failed at their job. You think the therapist won’t care enough either.

My very strong suggestion is to give therapy another chance. Just do it for you—help yourself feel better by talking to someone who is trained to help. He or she is likely to do a far better job caring for you than you have said your family has done.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

I am writing to find a manner to cope with or gain insight into my wife’s behavior. There are probably multiple areas but I will attempt to summarize in the allotted space.

Today she went into a tirade which concluded with her typical threat to leave with the children and string of insults after I made a face at an uncleaned room (not directed at her).

To provide the backdrop, I am never certain what will trigger an event. Once started, she will literally scream, insult and attempt to intimidate me regardless of whether the children are present or not.

This is compounded by her drinking. On a semi-regular basis she is helped home or needs to call the hostess and apologize. Those that tolerate it are ‘true friends’ and the ones who distance themselves are ‘fake’. There is always a villain with her. Typically she claims stress or…me as the reason for her drinking. The children have asked that she not drink wine because ‘she talks funny’. Also, recently she has attempted to be violent with me.

She does the bare minimum around the house and spends hours a day on the phone with her mother and sister. She is typically on her best behavior around them and the house is always spotless when she comes over. Her response is that everyone else has a cleaning lady and she refuses to clean sections of the house. She does cook well but makes a point to underscore it frequently. Her mom defends everything (except the drinking) and says that she is just ‘loud’.

I also hear her constantly yelling at the children and periodically saying comments to the effect of, “I am done!!!”. Rather than self-asses, the smallest critique will set her off and then I have to hear the stories of how great she was, how other men give her attention at stores, how flawless her family is and then listen to her pick apart every sentence from myself or my family.

My family and friends really do not like her. I am nearly at my breaking point but our children (all great, loving and advanced in school) are the reason that I have stayed.

We have attempted couples therapy but each time she thinks that I ‘tricked’ each therapist into siding with me.

I am nearly out. Please help!

A. It is very true that the first step to getting better is admitting that there is a problem. As long as your wife blames others for the problems in her life, she cannot take control of the situation. If others are to blame, she cannot change them because she cannot control them. From your description, she has a substance abuse problem. In her suffering she is hurting those around her.

She is misperceiving reality. You cannot trick a therapist into “siding with you.” She rejects your interpretation of the problem and she rejects the therapist’s interpretation because it differs from hers. Since she believes that she is right, she needs a rational explanation for why the therapist agrees with your assessment. She knows that the therapist is both well educated and intelligent. So why would the therapists with all of their training and intelligence agree with you? Because you have tricked them.

There is often more to a story. I would need to hear your wife’s version of events. It makes it impossible to provide specific advice without it.

I’m not sure what you meant by the expression “nearly out.” I interpret it to mean that you cannot or are not willing to tolerate much more of her behavior and are considering ending your marriage.

Three things that you might want to consider before deciding on divorce are: 1) individual therapy, 2) an intervention or 3) a short separation.

A therapist could gather many more details about your relationship and assist you in determining your next move. Ending the marriage could be particularly traumatic for both you and your family. It’s important to have a great deal of support when considering or pursuing such matters.

Couples therapy may have been ineffective but perhaps she would be willing to enter treatment for her drinking. If she’s unwilling to go to rehab, then an intervention may be necessary. An intervention would involve confronting your wife, in the presence of concerned friends and family, describing how drinking has negatively affected your family and your marriage, and asking her to enter treatment. Should you choose to pursue an intervention, it would be advantageous to consult a family therapist or professional interventionist before attempting it on your own.

Finally, you might try a temporary separation. Being apart might afford you the opportunity to gain a much-needed, fresh perspective about the relationship. Ending your marriage should be a “last resort” option, after you have tried everything within your power to keep the relationship together. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle