Hello! Between age 21-25 I went through 3 very bad relationships ended in rejection, on the last one I had to be hospitalized, I couldn`t eat for days huge stomach pains from stress but I recovered and moved on. I noticed now in my 30+ I have no feeling of compassion, my friends say I have no heart. If somebody dies I don`t feel anything I have to pretend that I care. Even my own father end up in hospital in critical condition and deep down I felt nothing. My body can`t produce any sense of emotion about anything. I don`t care, I do`n bother anybody but people around are affected and say I need to see somebody. Is this serious?

A. You described yourself as someone who does not feel emotion. Friends are also concerned about what they perceive to be your lack of emotion. In one instance, your father was in the hospital and you said you felt nothing. If I had the opportunity to interview you, I would want to know more about your relationship with your father. If you and he were not close and you did not love your father, then I would not see your reaction as odd. Parents and their children do not always have close relationships. It may seem odd to the outsider that you felt nothing for your father when he was critically ill but if you and he were never close, then your reaction makes sense. It’s difficult to feel emotion for someone with whom you are not close.

With regard to what your friends say, it would been helpful to have had specific examples of why they think you lack emotion. It would’ve also have been helpful to have had more details about the times in which someone dies and you feel no emotion. If the person who died was not someone with whom you were close, again it would not be unusual for you to feel no emotion.

One thing that we can say with certainty is that there was a time when you could feel emotion. In fact, you felt very strong emotion. The breakups you experienced were emotionally difficult. If you are indeed stunted in your ability to feel emotion, then it may have been in response to the devastating effects of those earlier breakups. Lacking emotion, or having an inability to feel emotion, may be an unconscious defense mechanism that protects you from having to feel strong, negative emotions.

My recommendation would be to have an evaluation by a mental health professional. The purpose of the evaluation would be to determine if your perceived lack of emotion is accurate. It may be but I do not have enough information to make that determination. It’s worth having an evaluation to know if this problem is serious. It is abnormal to not feel emotion and there are treatments that could assist you in correcting this problem. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice Blog

It’s not like I’m depressed or anything, I’m not suicidal or self-harming, thats why I haven’t really sought out any help until now. I’m not sad in any way. I’m usually either really happy, or neutral. I used to do well in school. I’d try to ace all my courses, but recently I just really stopped caring. I feel almost like I’ve experienced everything but dying. I’ve been in most cliques at school, I’ve had major and minor surgeries, and I have a lot of medical conditions (that I was forced by my parent to visit the doctor and take care of). I still ,obviously, haven’t experienced everything though. I hardly pay attention to the actions I carry out and how they affect others , the way they react doesn’t bother me. Even though I should care about how they feel,I can’t and I realize it’s hurting my family and the people I’m around and I wish I could care. When my grandfather died a few months ago, I couldn’t even cry. I attended to my grandmother, but I didn’t feel like I lost anything; even though I was close with him. Late February, I adopted a pet, hoping it would pave the way to caring, it doesn’t feel like I’m cherishing the time with it though. It just feels like a responsibility that I must attend to regardless if I want to or not. I have no idea if theres something wrong with me, I just don’t want to live the rest of my life in this grey void. I’m not looking for a diagnosis, just advice.

A. You may be having a normal reaction to difficult life events.

You had both major and minor surgeries, “a lot” of medical conditions and recently lost your grandfather. These are all major life events and all seem to have occurred in close temporal proximity. Virtually anyone would struggle with these issues.

Your medical problems and surgeries could be affecting your mood. Your medical problems may require you to take certain medications, which may also be affecting the way you feel. Virtually all medications have side effects which could produce changes in your thinking and behavior and feelings.

Losing your grandfather may also be affecting your mood. Sadness after the death of a loved one is normal.

Medical problems, surgeries and losing a close family relative will undoubtedly have an effect on your mood and behavior. Therefore, it’s possible that these events are the reason why you are feeling the way you do.

It’s highly unlikely that you will “live the rest of your life in this grey void.” You’re experiencing a difficult time in your life but you will not always feel this way. I would encourage you to share your feelings with your parents. Ask if there’s anything they can do to help. They may offer advice or perhaps suggest counseling. During this difficult time, be open with your feelings and make it your goal to gain as much support as possible. The more support you have, the better you will feel. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice Blog

Hi, Im wondering if what I went through was physical depression. When I was 7 my mother died and after that I would get sick almost everyday, it got better over the years and by the time I was 12 I was fine. Im 13 now and would just like a response to whether or not I suffered from Physical depression. Thank you :)

A: It sounds to me like you were grieving in the way that sometimes little kids do. I’m sorry no one helped you make sense of it at the time. Time does heal us after a loss. I’m so sorry you lost your mother so young and I’m glad you are feeling better now.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

I am very confused right now. I don’t know if I am happy because I always feel like something is missing in my life and I know I shouldn’t ask for more. I was adopted when I was 3 years old by a single middle aged woman, she’s often not home due to work and we’re not in good terms. I was told I was adopted when I was younger. My grandma always talks about how bad my father is and how he destroyed my real mother’s life. I thought that she was exaggerating first but when I met him, he wasn’t what I thought he should be. The idea of a father is not him at all. He has a new wife that said and my other siblings are with him. I hated him more, because my mother died of giving birth and here he is having a new wife. I don’t want to talk to men or adults because I figured that they’re the same as my father-selfish. When I started in highschool I came to conclusion that they’re not all the same. So I tried talking to them at least but still have problems talking to them sometimes. I have friends but sometimes I feel that we’re not friends, because they don’t understand me. Maybe because they have a complete family and they’re happy. I never really cried to them, and anyways they’re so slow so they will never understand that. I always cry alone, I dunno why.. out of loneliness or envy? It’s just that my life is better now than from my father but why do I seem to want to be reborn and have a normal happy family?

A: It’s understandable that you are looking for reasons for your unhappiness but you’re looking in all the wrong places. Your adoptive mom works to support you both. You have as “normal” a family as anyone else does. Very, very few families look and act like the families you see on reruns of old 1950s and ’60s sitcoms (you know: Mom in dress and pearls, Dad in suit, two to three kids all happy, happy, happy). Your father probably is more complicated than you give him credit for. All men are not alike. But you’re a smart girl. You know all that.

So let’s get to your question: Why are you are confused, alone, and unhappy? Partly it’s because you are going through the normal adjustment of adolescence. I know. That’s not a very satisfactory answer. But the truth is that your body is changing and most kids go through emotional turmoil while that is happening – at least for a little while. You don’t have much control over that piece – although you could talk to your doctor to make sure everything is going normally. Sometimes a thyroid imbalance, for example, makes things worse.

The other piece, you do have control over. You are alone and lonely because you’re not with people. However shy you may be, the “cure” is to get involved in something that you really care about with other people. Do you love animals? Maybe there’s an animal rescue group near you. Are you interested in music? Join a chorus or start a band. Do you love working with kids? Think about getting involved with an after-school program or some other activity where you could work with little ones. Are you interested in kids with special needs? I bet there’s an organization near you that works with them. By giving of yourself and by working side by side with others, you’ll start to find people who are more like you and meaning for your life.

Meanwhile, you also have some control over your relationship with your mother. Find two or three positive things to say to her every day — regardless of whether you think she deserves it. By going to work every day, she is providing for you. She adopted you because she really, really wanted you. She didn’t have to do it. She’s probably as confused and upset about your relationship as you are. You are both dealing with the teen years for the very first time. You’re both learning. Most parents have just as difficult of a time with it as their kids do, though in different ways. If you take the initiative and work to change the tone in your house a bit, you may be surprised and pleased with what happens.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

Hi, I am one of four sisters and have four brothers. We are a total of eight siblings. My father past away almost six years ago and so did my grandmother from my mother’s side. My mother was left to care for us all. She has never responsible to pay the bills in the house her responsibility was cook, clean and take care of her children. She has diabetes. After my father past away it has been horrible. Since my mother doesn’t work she received benefits for the 3 younger children. Social security and disability she also received Medicaid, food stamps and Section 8 Housing. She now lives with my four younger siblings. Without this help I don’t know where my mother would be. She has always struggled paying her bills on time and having enough food in the house. Me and my oldest sister are renting an apartment therefore we are not living there anymore. My oldest sister and I have helped her with everything talking to her, giving her advice; also financially we have helped her. My mother allows my little brother to miss school he hasn’t gone in like two weeks or more and he’s only in sixth grade. He doesn’t like to go and has had problems with bullying. I am afraid something bad may happen. Also my little sister that is eighteen dropped out at the age of sixteen and is now working part time. The seventeen year old is doing really bad in school with bad grades. Me and my older sister have given her a lot of advice and have tried helping everyone but it’s only so much we can do. My oldest sister and I are now working full time and currently attending college. I don’t want my family separated. I really want to help her but I have exhausted all my efforts. My sister and I have tried asking her to give us the checks she received so we can manage all her bills but she does not want to. No one else in the family wants to help. My two oldest brothers have their families and they are low income as well. My mother has an inspection coming up soon and it doesn’t seem like she’s taking it seriously. If she doesn’t pass this second time she is in jeopardy in losing the house. Please help me.

A. I’m sorry that you are faced with these problems. There are no easy solutions. As you noted on several occasions in your letter, there’s only so much that you can do. You cannot force your mother to be more responsible. You can’t change who she is. You also can’t force someone to do things that they refuse to do. Unfortunately, your mother’s unwillingness to change may lead to her losing the house and putting other family members in jeopardy. It is also possible that children and youth services will intervene in the case of your brother not attending school. The reality is that your power to effect change in this situation is limited.

You are doing all that you can do. The idea that you are doing everything within your power and yet problems still arise is a very helpless feeling but that is the reality of the situation.

Despite your very difficult upbringing, you managed to move out of your home and begin college. This is evidence of your resiliency.

I hope that your family situation improves but the reality is it might not. It’s important that you brace for this very real possibility. It’s never easy to be faced with these types of situations. It’s akin to watching a car wreck in slow motion. It’s unbearable to watch, especially when you realize that no matter how much you want to help your loved ones, there’s little or nothing you can do. For those reasons, I would encourage you to begin counseling. Counseling could assist you in determining your role in the family. It could also provide much-needed emotional support. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice

I had a silent miscarriage and found out at my 12 week scan that I was no longer pregnant a few weeks ago. Not even 48 hours after finding out the worst news of my life that killed me inside my sister decided to rub it in my face that she was now pregnant and having everything I want. She makes out she feels bad and she’s there for me but she never has been before so why now. I’m very close to my mum but since I lost mine and my sister is now pregnant I seem to have been pushed out the picture. I have a very strong hate for my sister now and my mum is being very stressed with me and doesn’t seem to think about my feelings because all she ever talks to me about is my sisters baby and it being her first grandchild. I feel as though MIT baby that I carried didn’t mean anything to them what breaks my heart when I think of it. I’m still very upset about loosing my baby and cry myself to sleep a lot. I try to talk to my mum but she just says be nice she’s your sister. Well where was my sisters kindness when she shattered my life into a million peaces in a second I’m her sister to where was her speech about being nice. I have always been to nice for my own good so when everyone asked me how I was about it I said I was fine because telling the truth wasn’t going to change anything just make me look heartless. Now I wish I had told people because now I would feel so depressed. To make matters worse my sister has had a few problems living with her boyfriend so now she has moved onto my mums drive in a caravan so now I have no chance of going to my mums to talk without my sister being there what upsets me even more. I can’t talk to my partner about things my mum has said as he gets upset that they hurt me and starts hating her and that hurts me because I love my mum so much. I just don’t know what to do. I work at the same place as my sister so not only so I have people talking about my sisters baby at my mums all the time I get it at work off staff and customers. Most of witch didn’t know I was pregnant as I was keeping it quite till my twelve week scan that they keep asking me about it and give me a break down at work. I have been feeling very closed off from everyone and I can’t seem to shake it. I think it’s the fact that my baby seems to have been forgotten and it kills me and makes me feel numb inside I just need someone to listen and help, thanks for your time and help.

A: I am so very sorry for your loss. One thing that may be happening has to do with the fact that in addition to the psychological struggle to get through this time your body is likely to be going through a hormonal roller coaster.

I would strongly recommend psychotherapy for coping with the loss you feel from the miscarriage, helping adjust yourself to your sister’s pregnancy and her lack of effort at support.

This is the time for you to recover and reclaim yourself through support through psychotherapy. See if the hospitals in your area are offering individual or group therapy for grieving. This is a profound loss and there are people available who can help.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

When I was little I loved my dad, but he walked out on me. And now I find myself attracted to older guys. Not too much older. But at least 3 years. Could not having an older male figure be part of the reason I only like older guys?

A: I appreciate the nature of your question and think it is a good one to ask – and I must say quite astute for a 14-year-old. Very good thinking.

The short answer is yes. I believe that our early experiences in our family can be very powerful influencers in our romantic choices. You loved your dad and lost him. You are likely to be looking for someone who can help you recapture that feeling of being loved, but without the loss. I have written about this elsewhere and will encourage you to read these two articles linked here and here.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

I feel as though I cannot communicate with anyone, it’s not that I do not want to…I can’t. I can’t think of anything to say to start a conversation, sometimes if I’m lucky ill get a conversation going but then random negative thoughts just come back into my head, I get flustered, and the conversation goes back to nothing and I am once again awkward. I mean the thoughts are negative don’t get me wrong but a lot of the time I spend trying to figure out what is wrong with me, evaluating myself. I know this is a main part of the problem but I can’t help it, I cant just stop the thoughts, they just happen. I was once the type of person who could talk to anyone, was friends with everyone, I had my main group of friends but if I wanted to could call up a random person I havn’t seen in a while and go hang out and just shoot the s**t I could, now if I tried to do that even with my close friends it is just awkward, I don’t know what the f**k is wrong with me, it kills me every day. All that I wish to do is have fun and be happy, but I can’t, something is restricting me completely. I cannot concentrate either, for example, the first couple of sentences I wrote, I wrote right away without thinking, now I keep spacing out and going into my thoughts.

I want to be who I was, funny, confident, charming, a bit of a troublemaker. Now I just feel unhappy, awkward, I always have this band around my head that makes me feel uncomfortable, I always have a headache, I get panic attacks now. No one can understand the pain and agony a person with whatever disorder I have goes through. I would not wish this on my worst enemy, I stay up til 5 am just thinking, I have the tv on but I’m not paying attention to that. I don’t want to tell my mom, my grandpa just got diagnosed with lung cancer and I don’t want to make her worry anymore than she already is. I know I feel emotions but I cannot express them, for instance, I am truly sad over my grandfather getting lung cancer and I know I should be there for him, he has always wanted to play the guitar with me and I know that would be a great thing to do but I can’t get myself to go. How pathetic is that!? It makes me feel like I’m the biggest douche in the world but I honestly just don’t know why I can’t. All I want is to be normal again. Is that so much to ask for?

I am not suicidal, maybe if I didn’t have a family or anything I would be suicidal. I think it would be very selfish if I were to kill myself and make my friends and family suffer.

A. This problem is obviously causing you a great deal of distress. Ideally, it would be best to interview you in person. It seems as though you’re having difficulty communicating and concentrating. Was there a traumatic event, a medical illness, or a recent major change in your life that may be contributing to this problem? Did this change happen suddenly or is it something that developed gradually?

It would be interesting to know if others have also noticed this change. I mention that because you are making judgments about your abilities that may be inaccurate. You may feel that you are not communicating well. Remember, feeling that something is true doesn’t mean it is true.

I would recommend being evaluated by a mental health professional. The advantage of seeing a mental health professional is in receiving an objective assessment. A psychotherapist could also assist you in addressing your communication and concentration problems, analyze your interactions with others and provide relationship advice. You may also want to be evaluated by a physician to rule out a medical cause. The problem that you have described is less likely to be coming from a medical cause but it should still be evaluated by a physician. The doctor can also determine if medication would help with your symptoms. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice Blog

In the last 2 years I have lost my 27 year old daughter, my 25 year old son and my mother. I don’t seem to care about anything anymore. I’m not sure how to live when I don’t care. I don’t have any energy. I could care less if I leave the house. Taking a shower and getting dressed takes a lot of effort. I don’t look foward to anything and nothing brings me any joy. Things seem pretty pointless. I guess my question is how do I go on living when I just don’t care anymore.

A. I am very sorry for your loss. The death of children, no matter their age, is traumatic. Your reaction, in some regards is normal but it may also be evidence of depression. Not having energy, not caring what happens to you, the lack of joy, the feeling that your life is pointless, are all signs of depression. Depression degrades the quality of life and thus requires treatment.

During this difficult time, it would be advantageous to receive as much support as possible. This could include seeing a mental health professional who specializes in grief and loss. You should also consider joining a support group for individuals who are also dealing with loss. Continued isolation will only make you feel worse. It is never too soon to seek professional help and bereavement support.

There are several resources that I would recommend including The Compassionate Friends. They specialize in assisting families who are grieving the loss of a child. You may be able to locate a local chapter and visit a Compassionate Friends support group in person. There may be other bereavement support groups in your community.

When you feel the time is right, consider reading the works of Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. Many people have found her work to be immensely helpful. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross dedicated her life to understanding grief and grieving. To say that she transformed the way the world understands death is not an exaggeration. Many people turn to her books as a way to spiritually prepare for the inevitability of death and to heal from the devastating loss of loved ones. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice Blog

Hi, I am very low. I am 42 yrs. old and my father is dying. But the problem I need advice for is my mother can’t stand me, I know I should be used to this; she was no different in my childhood. I go out of my way to earn her love, but am as heartbroken as badly now at 42 yrs. with my own children. Even her tone of voice is ugly when forced to communicate with me. I have lots of things to learn to cope with. I’m ill myself and losing my beloved father, but a setback by mum, is enough to send me into a deep depression. I had a horrific childhood because of her, and I know I can’t change her only the way I react, but never helps, a counselor I used to see told me ‘just because she gave birth to you doesn’t mean she has to like you’. Please can you help me help myself?

A: It can be very hard when the people we need love from the most can’t give it to us. It sounds like you spend your life hoping to get more from your mom than she is able to provide. When the people who were supposed to give us love can’t — or won’t — we need to be able to get it from others. My encouragement is to grieve what you couldn’t get -nor can get from your mom. It is only when we can adequately grieve our childhood needs that we can start to find the love we need from other sources.

It sounds to me like you have other family in your life and I would begin to turn my attention to growing more relationships with others. As you let go of what your mother can’t give it allows you to use your energy to develop friendships and supportive relationships with others.

To make these changes I would strongly recommend you find a support group. Since so your dad is so ill a group that will help with your grieving may be the best place to begin.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

My mother hasn’t been around most of my life. She has been a drug addict since before I was born and my parents divorced when I was 5. Then she moved back in when I was 7 or 8 and my dad kicked her out for good when I was around 14. She was bipolar and depressed a lot. My girlfriend thinks I have issues because of this and I think it’s a major reason I can never trust a girl. Also most of my friends think I’m very insensitive and rude to people especially to my girlfriend but I don’t ever feel I’m being rude. Are their any particular issues guys can have from being raised without a mom? I couldn’t find anything on it so I guess it’s not common.

A: Thank you for asking this question. The best thing I can say is that there are concerns whenever a parent is emotionally unavailable. In your mom’s case her mental illness and drug addiction kept her from being emotionally and then physically available to you. When this happens people cope in a variety of different ways. The coping style is likely to be something that will inform your future relationships. Here are two articles I have written on this process that may be helpful for you. My encouragement is to go to the counseling center at your university and begin talking about this. I think will help you learn more about your coping mechanism and how it may be affecting you.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

From Puerto Rico: I have explained to my three year old that when people get really old they die since she experienced death scenes in a movie (in the movie both parents die and leave the girl orphan). So, she has cried asking me not to get old. Today before school she started crying because she didn’t want to get old because she didn’t want to die.

I tried telling her that it’s part of life that everyone dies but that she is little so she shouldn’t worry about dying of old age. I told her that she should enjoy what she has of life instead of thinking in death. Then when she wouldn’t stop crying so I told her that when people die they go to heaven but she still was crying saying that she didn’t want to go to heaven.
Isn’t she REALLY young to talk about death as it was permanent or thinking she is going to die? No one has died in our family or are ill. What should I do? What should I tell her?

A: I can tell this is really hard on you. You were trying to do the right thing and it seems to have back-fired. Instead of feeling better, your little girl seems to feel worse. I think she is a very bright 3-year-old. She may be young to be dealing with this but she’s letting you know you can’t avoid it. She isn’t willing to be put off with promises of heaven or to put the question aside. She is grappling with the big questions around love and loss and meaning.

I have an idea that maybe she doesn’t think you understand her distress. Instead of arguing with her, however gently, why not just hold her and agree that it is indeed very, very sad that people and animals and every living thing come to an end. Let her cry it out. Soothe her but don’t contradict her or try to make it all right. Tell her that you get sad about it too.

When she settles down, tell her she can always come to you when she is sad. Then see what happens. At that point, she may be more ready to hear that we hold people we love in our hearts and they never really go away; that our job is to make lots of good memories so we can carry on.

There are lots of good children’s books about death that might be helpful. Talk to your librarian for suggestions or do a search online. Hearing some stories about how other children managed these big ideas may give your daughter new ways to handle it.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

I’m very broken up about the deaths of the Sandy Hook victims. One in particular has captured my heart. I find myself looking at his pictures every day & trying to look for info on him & his family. I have a girl his age & a son who looks like him. I feel that if people stop tweeting or FBing about him, he’ll be lost, reduced to a statistic. I’ve tried channeling my grief into a FB page trying to find a solution to gun violence & doing 26 acts of kindenss, but I’m still spending hours each day (at the expense of my family & work), looking for things about him & reading about the other victims. I guess in my mind, he’s alive somehow as long as I keep remembering him. People ask me why I’m so obsessed; he wasn’t my kid. And I can’t give them a reason. It’s been 3 weeks and it’s not getting any better.

A. It is unclear why you have became obsessed with this particular victim. The most logical explanation is that he reminds you of your children. Perhaps you are projecting your fears of losing your children onto this particular individual. Though this obsession may never be fully understood, in all likelihood, it derives from and thrives on extreme fear.

It is always unhealthy to operate on the basis of fear. Fear cripples our lives. So too can unrealistic thinking. Unrealistic thinking ultimately leads to incorrect conclusions and mistakes in judgment.

You are engaged in unrealistic thinking. You stated that you believe that if you continue to read about this particular victim, he will remain alive. For that to be true, it would mean that you have supernatural powers.

The reality is this: whether you read about him or you don’t read about him, it will have no impact on his life, in any way. It is simply not a realistic idea.

Forcing yourself to believe only what is rational, logical and real would help to reduce or to eliminate your obsession.

If the obsession continues, then I would strongly recommend seeing a psychotherapist. A psychotherapist can analyze what is driving your obsession. What’s most important is learning how to remove this obsession and resume your normal life activities. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

My mom died 12 yrs ago . She is buried 1000 miles away. I have not been to her grave since we placed her there. I know her spirit isn’t in one place. But for some unreasonable reason I feel guilty and have been wanting to see her resting place. I can’t understand why I want to go there. I have the time and money but it is wasteful. Everyone in my family will think I’m crazy and I can’t talk to anyone about this strange idea/feeling. Help please.

A. You did not provide many details about this situation but it does not seem as though your guilt is justified. Feeling that you did something wrong does not mean that you did something wrong. You should only feel guilty if you are guilty. Use the power of logic to determine if you are guilty of something.

If you are not guilty, you should not feel as if you are guilty. Many emotions or feelings are false. For instance, the emotions associated with phobias are false. You might feel that you will die if you leave the house, but you won’t. You might feel that if the lights go out and you are left in the dark basement, you will surely die, but you will not. As you lay comfortably in your bed at night and suddenly remember that one dirty plate that you left in the sink, you might feel great distress and anxiety and the urge to make things right by getting up and washing that singular, dirty dish. The anxiety that you feel, the guilt of leaving a dirty dish, is unreasonable and not justified by reality. Emotions are not always correct.

It is not necessary to visit your mothers’ physical resting place to prove your love for her or to grieve her loss.

If you continue to struggle with this issue, you may want to consult a therapist. You may only need a few sessions to know how to best address this situation. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

I don’t know how I feel; my feelings and actions are confusing to me. Okay. So this is probably going to be long and confusing for everyone reading this. I have a hard time expressing my feelings, and maybe it’s genetic because apparently my mother is the same way. My family has never been terribly close, and I have lived out if home with my boyfriend for a year or so before (I like to he independent), although I’m back home now. Here are some characteristics that I know about myself, I’m kind of a tom boy, I’ve always gotten along better with boys than girls, I feel I have to be the strong one, and don’t want to show my feelings in front of other people, I also do not like being the center of attention. I have very poor concentration and memory (possibly due to ADD but the symptoms only appeared a few years back); I have little memory before the age of 7. And up until junior high I don’t have very clear memories but I can remember things if people say something that reminds me, very different from memories of when I was younger where I don’t recall major things. I don’t think I had a bad childhood that could have affected me, even when I think about the worst parts I don’t really care, (divorced parents, little money, unhealthy father, abusive mother, sexually abused by brother(s)? not sure if more than one, I even watched my friends father die (heart attack) and it didn’t phase me. kind of sounds like bragging huh.). Every once in a while, it seems things just build up, although I’m not sure what things, and I have a bit of a breakdown. I used to cut (more of for something to do and attention, although I didn’t let anyone find out) and feel suicidal just because I didn’t feel that there was anything for me to do in this world, I felt what was the point of growing up if you’re just going to work for so many years doing the same thing over and over, and then die. Sometimes I still feel this way, like life is pointless. I do enjoy drinking and prescription pills just because it is something to do that makes me happy, and makes my day less dull. I have an extremely hard time interpreting my feelings, I don’t know if I’m happy or depressed or confused, I know I have a bit of anxiety I inherited from my father, I have been on pills for it, and I liked that they made me feel numb which made me happier but I drank almost everyday. I didn’t want to stop the pills because it was a different kind of drunk but I had to because you aren’t supposed to mix them and I ended up in the hospital after a while. Sometimes I get into this sort of numb mood where I can just zoom through my days and not remember much without someone reminding me or thinking really hard about it, it’s usually when I’m down. Sometimes I don’t want to talk to anyone, and other times I want to be around everyone. I feel like I’m masking my happiness whenever I’m around people, maybe part of staying strong. Also, I’ve been to a therapist before I got anxiety pills, and I really wanted to talk but I couldn’t get myself to speak truthfully because I don’t like the idea of talking to someone who is paid for it and really doesn’t care about you as a person, it’s just their job. I have never talked to any of my close friends about these things because they come to me with their problems looking for advice, and I don’t want to burden them with my problems. The situation is the same for this one teacher who always looked out for me, and kind of knows how my life really is, and I always wanted to open to him about everything, but I can’t bring myself to make my problem his problem too. Anyways, I don’t even know what my problem is yet. I really hope people don’t just ignore this question, I don’t know what is wrong, but I can never seem to think as clearly as everyone else can, every one seems to he able to do things so much easier than I can. One last thing, hopefully I don’t remember anything else, I’ve noticed in my relationships at the beginning everything is wonderful, I want to be with them and be affectionate, but then suddenly, not gradually, my feelings change, and everything about them bothers me, and I turn into a bitch and pick them apart constantly. I don’t want them to touch me or kiss me anymore; I don’t want to be around them at all. And then the relationship usually ends. One last thing, I have constant migraines or headaches everyday that the doctor said are tension headaches? That(s everything I can remember for now that I’m confused about. I’ll add more if I think of it. I just want to understand my own feelings.

A: Whew! It sounds like you have been doing a lot of thinking! I wouldn’t pretend to be able to respond adequately to all of what you are putting forward—but I do see a place where I think we could make some progress. That is your comment about the therapist who “really doesn’t care about you as a person, it’s just their job.”

Therapists choose their profession because they do care about people and know how to help. You saying that you don’t want to go because you believe the therapist doesn’t care about people probably comes from the fact that in your family the people who were supposed to care for you properly failed at their job. You think the therapist won’t care enough either.

My very strong suggestion is to give therapy another chance. Just do it for you—help yourself feel better by talking to someone who is trained to help. He or she is likely to do a far better job caring for you than you have said your family has done.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral