I might be suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder, but I don’t know. It might be Bipolar Disorder as well. I have a lot of mood swings, that can last a week at least, and sometimes a month. My moods varies between depression/anxiety with extreme suicidal thoughts and self-harm tendencies and “normal” episodes when I’m mildly happy and enthusiastic, but some other days I can be normal, not really depressed nor euphoric or something, but it generally doesn’t last much. The other day I may wake up depressed as well as enthusiastic and full of hope. It’s not stable at all.
You may say that I have the typical signs of a Bipolar Disorder, but my mood swings doesn’t last much you know, I mean today I’m happy the next day I’m sad and life goes on. My happy moments are usually alternated by sad moments when I feel like crap or when I’m extremely irritable and nervous. They say that Bipolar disorder usually works through episodes that last from 6 months to a year, literally, and that’s what makes me quite suspicious.

I looked through Wikipedia and social forums for Borderline personality disorder and it appears to be that I have many symptoms of the illness, including fear of abandonment, chronic feelings of emptiness, impulsivity, risky habits (alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, sex, wasting money) rage and anger.
I also have dissociative syndrome where I don’t know who I am anymore, I feel as if I’m getting out of my body, I sometimes feel very distant, too. Like a ghost. Like I’m not sure if I’m actually HERE or not, ALIVE or not. It’s really stressful. I also confuse my dreams with reality and have paranoid tendencies.

A: Of course it would not be possible to make an accurate diagnosis via an email query, but I am glad that you are taking the time to ask about your well-being. I can understand the concern and think getting a professional—a psychiatrist or psychologist –to help you sort through the symptoms would be a very good idea. The find help tab at the top can be of help in locating someone in your area.

But I would also want you to be aware of your strengths. You have listed the symptoms that trouble you and the possible diagnoses, but what are the strengths you have that have given you the resilience to cope and to seek answers to help you heal? While you are looking for a label for the condition I would also invite you to look at your strengths. Here is a link to the VIA character strengths survey which is free and can help you identify these features in your life.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

I for a while now have not felt fully human anymore. My friends the few I actual trust said I should get checked out but I know if they were to lock me up in manor of speaking it would make everything worse. I have for the past few years have been turning into a werewolf I know it sounds silly and stupid I cant really explain why. It happens on and off when it takes control or wants to and acouple times I have almost attacked my friends appearently and I don’t really remember doing any of it. I know my friends mean well but I cant go away they are probably the only things keeping me somewhat sane. So I guess my question is if I were to get this checked out by my psychologist would I end up being well locked up?

A. It’s physically impossible to turn into a werewolf. Perhaps you are describing a psychological change that occurs when you lose control. During one of those episodes, you nearly attacked your friends but have little memory of the event. Sometimes people with extreme anger issues describe experiencing a similar loss of control and loss of memory. You may also be describing a dissociative event.

To answer your question directly, if you were evaluated by a psychologist, there is very little chance that you would be “locked up.” Typically, the only time when an individual can be forcibly committed to a psychiatric hospital is when they are imminently dangerous to themselves or to others. You “attacked” your friends but you did not describe what you meant by this phrase. For instance, perhaps you yelled at them or were short with them during a conversation. In any event, it’s very difficult to be forcibly hospitalized so the chances of it happening upon your evaluation are unlikely.

A mental health professional would likely spend a great deal of time gathering information about your attacks. He or she would then create a treatment plan to address your symptoms. He or she would also probably suggest that you be evaluated for medication. It’s possible that a low dose of medication could significantly decrease these uncontrollable experiences. Your life would be greatly improved if these problematic experiences were eliminated. It would also improve the quality of your friendships. I hope you will consider seeing a mental health professional because it could greatly improve your life. It would also help you to know precisely what it is that you are experiencing. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice Blog

Son being content with no outside life ;no work no friends does not go anywhere/ He was diagnosed at 18 with schizophrenia.. he could not hold a job down.. he self medicated got caught went to prison and since prison no meds he is quite content just exercising and listening to head phones..he thinks when his parole is over he can in the army my fear is… Is that going to make him finally realize he is sick or will it cause him to go back to psychosis or depression ..I am just trying to prepare myself..

A. He may want to join the army but if he’s actively symptomatic he may not be eligible. At this point, it’s unclear what will happen to your son. Without more information, it is difficult to know.

Generally speaking, among individuals with schizophrenia, changes in life circumstances can trigger psychotic episodes. For instance, a death in the family, moving, beginning college, and other stressful situations have been associated with an increased likelihood of psychotic episodes among individuals with schizophrenia. Not taking medication can also increase the likelihood of psychotic episodes.

Many people with schizophrenia live successful, productive lives but it is a struggle. Given his diagnosis, and his refusal to take medication, he is at risk for psychosis. Individuals with schizophrenia who do not participate in treatment have more psychotic episodes than individuals with schizophrenia who actively participate in treatment. In that regard, you should be prepared for the possibility that he will have additional problems.

Continue to encourage him to accept treatment. It would also be advantageous to connect with others who have schizophrenic family members. People in similar situations can provide emotional support and may be able to share strategies to help with your son. You should also educate yourself about the disorder. I would highly recommend the book “I’m Not Sick I Don’t Need Help” by Xavier Amador, and other similar materials. The book might help you to better understand why your son refuses treatment and what you can do to help. If I may be of additional assistance, please don’t hesitate to write again. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice Blog

Not only did a psychiatrist tell me that he believes that I have multiple personality disorder but a lot of my past experiences and my symptoms add up. My mom thinks I’m Crazy to think I have this but she doesn’t really know. When I was seven or eight my “cousin” sexually abused me as well as my other cousins. He wasn’t a blood cousin he was by marriage. Anyway not long after that my parents went through a nasty divorce not to mention I’ve grown up with a handicapped older brother that I’ve always felt like I needed to protect. Right now in my life I’ve got a lot going for me but I’m depressed still. I also feel like most of my past is a huge blur I can’t remember anything. I find it hard to concentrate and I’ve heard things, voices in my head but it hasn’t happened for awhile. I get extremely angry over stupid things like loud noises, my brothers voice, I can’t think of anything else right now. Ever since I was little I have imagined horrible things happening to people I love like in full detail. I think about cutting myself all of the time an I don’t really have a reason to do it. Please if you could tell me anything useful, your opinion on all that I just typed I would be forever grateful.

A. Dissociative identity disorder (DID) is a controversial diagnosis. The controversy has existed for decades and will not be resolved in the near future. Though it remains a diagnosis in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual For Mental Health Disorders (DSM), some clinicians deny its existence. DID may be the most poorly understood mental health disorder. Part of the reason may be that researchers are reluctant to study DID. It may also be that the government is often unwilling to fund DID research efforts. The end result is a lack of clarity and consensus about DID among mental health professionals.

You stated that you have a legitimate reason to believe that you have DID but did not provide the reason in your letter. Perhaps you are referring to the fact that a psychiatrist believes it’s a possibility. Your symptoms include depression, inability to recall past memories, inability to concentrate, hearing voices, engaging in self-injury, and being angry. Most are not the symptoms associated with DID per se. They may be symptoms of depression or a combination of other mental health disorders but they are not characteristic any one specific type of mental illness.

The symptoms you have are concerning. They are disrupting your life and thus require treatment. It would be advantageous to see both a psychotherapist and a psychiatrist. A psychotherapist could help you to develop the skills necessary to appropriately cope with your symptoms. Medication could decrease the frequency and the intensity of your symptoms.

The good news is that you have already begun treatment with a psychiatrist. Continue with that treatment and consider the addition of psychotherapy. Combining both psychotherapy and medication could greatly improve the quality of your life. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

Since I was young I’ve had major social problems, Insomnia, time lapses of 2 hours or more, out of body experiences and other like minded things. Within the last six years I’ve had four major psychotic episodes witnessed by friends that stated I was not “me” I referred to myself in third person and called myself different names. It became clear that this was very possibly DID and some friends from the local hospital tried to get me aid to see someone on this, but to no avail. I’m looking for some sort of answer and what I can do now. This last episode delved me into a darkness of two months that I vaguely remember.

A. Dissociative identity disorder (DID) is rare. For a variety of reasons, it’s difficult to diagnose. There are even some clinicians who are not convinced that the disorder is real.

You described having “four major psychotic episodes” witnessed by your friends who observed your “odd” behavior. Psychotic episodes are serious psychological occurrences in which an individual has a break with reality. Perhaps you didn’t mean that you literally had a psychotic break; sometimes people use the term “psychosis” colloquially to mean something different than its clinical definition. If I could speak to you in person, I would want more details about the “major psychotic episodes.”

Some of your symptoms, such as referring to yourself in the third person and calling yourself different names, are not characteristic of DID. In fact, they are not symptoms of any particular mental health disorder. Blackouts, lapses in memory, and so forth are potentially indicative of DID but only an in-depth psychiatric evaluation, with a mental health professional, could clarify a diagnosis.

If you have not done so already, you should undergo both a mental health and medical evaluation. A medical evaluation is important to rule out physical health causes. You may also want to consider having a sleep study. A sleep study could determine whether or not you have a sleep disorder, which may be contributing to your symptoms. A mental health evaluation could determine if you have DID, or any other mental health disorder. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

My fiance has multiple personalities — he has not been diagnosed with DID but after research (and talking to the other personalities) I have no doubts. The personality of greatest concern is a 2 year old.
My fiances parents do not know of his disorder, nor does anyone in my family. He does not wish to seek a therapist because he doesn’t want to be officially diagnosed — he doesn’t want it on his medical record. Is there any kind of suggestions you have for a young bride-to-be in a situation like this? Keeping this huge secret is stressing me out!

A: I’m sorry to be the one to have to tell you, but you two shouldn’t be getting married until he gets some treatment. A little knowledge can be a dangerous thing. His symptoms may match up with articles you are reading about DID but there are other possibilities as well. Only a qualitified mental health provider can confirm the diagnosis and suggest treatment.

I’m not suggesting that DID isn’t a very real and serious issue. It is. But not getting an evaluation and keeping it secret isn’t going to do either one of you any good. He isn’t getting help. You both won’t be able to turn to your families if things get difficult. You may find yourself being more of a caretaker than a partner. If it is DID, he may dissociate at times to the point that he does things he shouldn’t and won’t even remember them. This is not a way to enter adult life and a partnership.

At 19, you have plenty of time in life before you need to think about marriage. When you do, you want both of you to be stable, functioning people. I hope he loves you, and himself, enough to get into treatment. I hope you love him enough to support him in doing so. I hope you love yourself enough to take a step back until he does.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

I’ve been living with my stepfather and my mother for over four years now. I don’t know educational wise, what i want to do and currently am doing part time at a petstore.

My stepfather on a regular basis gets in my face about petty things, says inapropriate things to me, insults me infront of family and friends and/or blames me for anything that goes wrong. Its so bad, to the point my mother sends me to my dads house for a week while shes gone to avoid problems. My mother knows whats going on but refuses to do much and tells me to “man up” because hes to childish to do so.

I dont make enough money to move out on my own, nor have any friends to move in with. i have no other real family to go to except my father but hes made it quiet clear he doesnt want me to move in. With my bad anxiety and stress on top of mpd i am at my end dealing with him,and trying to be the better person and holding back myself(s). Ive tried to seek help but no one wants to deal with someone who has mpd. what should i do?

A: It looks to me like your stepdad thinks that supporting you for four years post-high school is long enough. It’s possible he doesn’t feel he can be direct and ask you to leave so he (perhaps quite unconsciously) is making things so intolerable that you’ll take the initiative to leave. All three adults are probably not at all happy that you are only working part-time and that you are not dealing with your mental health issues. They don’t know what to do so they avoid the real issues as much as you do. Sadly, the conflicts among you are eroding all the relationships.

It would be so much more helpful if you, your mom and your stepdad would sit down together to talk about how long they are willing to have you live with them, what you need to do to make moving out possible, and what they are willing to do to help. Ideally, your father should also be part of the discussion. You all deserve better.

It’s simply not true that no one wants to work with someone who carries a diagnosis of MPD (multiple personality disorder). MPD is now called DID: dissociative identity disorder. It’s a real diagnosis. There are well-documented treatment strategies for supporting people in recovery. You live in a major city in Canada. Check the Therapist’s Locator on our homepage to help you find an appropriate therapist. If you can’t find a way to afford individual treatment, consider group therapy or a support group as a starting point. You will not only make a start on your issues but you will also be reducing your isolation.

Ultimately, we each have to deal with ourselves. No one can do it for us. You made a good start by writing to us here. Now take another step toward help and independence. Step by step, you can get there.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

I was subjected to repeated abuse and trauma from age 2 until about 5. I’ve had several other traumatic experiences both physical and mental since then. In school I never fit in with others (fighting, manipulation, terrorize) finding them to be mindless robots that have no real purpose too easily controlled, a feeling that hasn’t gone away in adulthood.

It has reached the point that the simple act of paying a bill in person, or shopping for groceries requires puking, several deep breathes, and normally some kind of sedative just to stomach human interaction.

People never know. They refer to me as polite, friendly, and helpful. It’s all a lie. I hate humans. I visualize people and scenarios that I’m told are disturbing to others. I physically shake when I try to put the thoughts away.I have been told I have Bipolar disorder, PTSD, DDNOS, and have had blackouts during psychotic episodes. I don’t understand the feelings others have, but have become very good at pretending. I “feel” more sympathy for a deer hit on the road than the people I see killed on the news.

I think I love my wife and kids, but lately I’m not sure it’s not just the comfort of fitting into society that I enjoy. The only person (besides the Dr) that know my thoughts is my wife, who I am starting to frighten. I take 5 different psych meds (when I take them)
Sometimes they help me sleep or quite the voices for a while, but it always comes back. The meds make me feel different, like I’m losing me. I like who I am. Why can’t others just leave me alone and let me be. I’m a Vet, using the vet doctors for help.
I’m afraid to mention many things to them for fear of losing my freedom. Is it possible to “fix” what society sees as wrong with me, or am I better of to just keep on playing the game?

A; Your pain sounds very real and difficult to cope with. I think you will need to do two things, play the game AND keep working on trying to fix it. Of course I can’t diagnose you, but the conditions and reactions you describe warrant some more discussion with your doctors. My hope is that one of them is a therapist and will have some experience in dealing with traumatic reactions. You have had several at different ages and that is likely to be part of both understanding and lessening your symptoms. I would recommend you talk more to the doctors and let them know the difficulty you are having. If they don’t know, they can’t help.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

Hi! Please note that I am perfectly sane, I got a normal amount of friends, I’m social, and I am quite happy.
What is bothering me is something I did 4 years ago, and I am wondering why I acted in such a disgusting way. I used to live with my mother back then, and she wasn’t very well so I belive that may be the cause but that doesn’t change the fact what I did.
I will cut to the point – one time when me and my brother was visiting my grandparents we shared the same room… and I masturbated in front of him. I have chosen to forget it because I don’t know what came into me but now 4 years (when I was 12-13, and he was 10-11) later I’ve been wondering why my brother never talks to me, is it because of that, or is it just because he’s a teenager? I’ve been praying to god that he has forgotten it all.

Please don’t judge me, the reason why I am writing this here is because I would never dare to talk to anyone about this. I am so ashamed. I am not the type of girl you’d expect would have done this awful kind of thing.

What I’m asking is, why was I acting so psychotic back then, and do you believe that he will ever respect me again?

A: Thank for having such bravery to begin talking about this. I am certain it must have been difficult. It is too hard to know all the forces that might have played a role in your actions back then, but one thing I am certain of is that being able to reflect on your own behavior and transgressions is a good thing. It sounds like this may have caused a reaction between you and your brother that is now the primary issue. Yes? So perhaps the thing to do is to acknowledge there is an issue with him and begin talking to a counselor about the feelings you are having. If that seems too difficult you may just want to talk to your brother about making the relationship better in the here and now. If he agrees and you want help with that, perhaps you could see a counselor for a few sessions to see if you can improve communication. The issue may or may not be something your brother will bring into the session.

Finally let me say this: The way you have described your behavior does not mean you were psychotic or will be. It is very understandable that you would feel uncomfortable about your behavior back then, but it doesn’t mean you and your brother can’t have a good relationship. If I were you I would find out if you brother is willing to have a better relationship with you and take it from there.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

As a child I was sexually abused for 4 years. No one knows. The only reason it stopped was because he died. Whilst that ended by the time I was 11 I still think about it and get upset. Lately however some feelings have developed that scare me. My family is very traditional. We all sit and have dinner in silence, father is the head of the household, and I am expected to be a sort of stepford daughter. I get straight A’s, don’t date boys (mostly because I am rarely allowed out of the house), hold a part time job, don’t drink, smoke or do drugs and I don’t so much as ask them to drive me places or give me money. I don’t treat them with disrespect but I constantly feel as if they believe I am a bad daughter. I think they are disappointed no matter how much I try and they don’t understand anything about me.

Because of this confined feeling I have started to develop a feeling of something or someone else inside me. It is part of me but separate at the same time. I am known as rational and responsible, organised, boring even, but the thing inside me is not. It feels like it is coiled up inside my skin, crushed inside the frame of my bones, but is constantly moving about, trying to scratch its way out. The thing inside me is always hungry, always angry, always excited, passionate, desperate, scared. I like to sink into the background and become invisible, but the thing inside wants to scream and cry for no reason. I feel its power sometimes reach my fingertips, or my spine or neck, as if it is trying to take over control.

Is this just a weird teenage thing that might go away? Or do you think I should seek more help? It really scares me. I want to set the thing free at the same time as wanting to just hide it away. Because i am part of it I want the same things that it does, but the rational me constantly worries about the consequences of feeling released for just a small amount of time.

I am really genuinely scared, what should I do?

A: I admire the strength and self-reflection you have. You are a very resilient young woman. No one deserves to be abused the way you had been and I am sorry an adult betrayed you. There are terms that describe what you are feeling, but rather than use labels let me just say that your feelings make sense to me. Four years is a long time, and however many years is an even longer time to keep a secret. It is time to talk to someone about all this. Writing us here was an excellent first step. Now I would find someone to talk to about this. The find help tab at the top of the page should have some contacts in your country. Alternately you may want to talk to your physician. He or she should be able to point you in the direction of a competent mental health professional.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

Something I have wanted to know for a while now. I have split personality disorder, Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. For a while now I’ve wanted to know if there is a way to completely get rid of a split personality?

A. I’m not sure what you mean by “a split personality disorder.” When you use that expression, perhaps you mean that sometimes you are feeling very strong emotions regarding one aspect of your life, and the next day you feel completely different. If so, that is a common experience among teenagers.

It may be possible that you are referring to multiple personality disorder which is now called dissociative identity disorder. Many people also confuse schizophrenia with dissociative identity disorder but the two are very different.

Dissociative identity disorder is a relatively rare disorder. Individuals who have the disorder are not typically diagnosed until adulthood.

I am not certain what you meant by the expression “split personality disorder” so it is difficult to give you a specific answer. I would recommend seeing a mental health professional about your symptoms. It is always wise to seek a professional opinion about unusual or concerning psychological symptoms. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

I have searched the site as you recommend and I haven’t found anything like this. First off I haven’t killed anyone yet because I’m not stupid. I want to kill and not just people who have slighted me (even thought the worms deserve it) I mean people in general and I’ve been planning how, when, where and everything else you can think of, I want to feel a persons blood on me and watch them die, I know this is not normal. To add to this I really don’t care about people, I have friends but I fake all emotion they may perceive, I have had relationships with the opposite sex but it always ends because faking is tiring and after a few months of it I have to stop. Also, sometimes I can’t tell if I am dreaming or not and I have killed in my dreams but I made sure every time that it was not real. A few months ago I was sure that two demons were living in my head and telling me commands from some dark omnipotent presence that wanted souls and I was an “agent”. I convinced myself that this was all fake but sometimes I still see dark things moving just out of sight. They still whisper to me but not with the same fervor as before. I’m also pretty sure that I am a narcissist, I’m pretty awesome. Also, I feel like no one else gets me, I can’t share with people what I think,I can hint at it but it just gets dismissed. I am a pretty popular guy and all the kids who I suspect feel the same way are weird and the facade they put up to mask the inner demons is weak. I am worried no one will take me seriously. (too many people fake for attention) Also, at random times I will become terrified that someone or something I can’t see is trying to kill me and then it will subside after a little bit. I could go on about more things but these don’t concern me enough to mention. I want to kill but not go to jail and my only way out seems to get help or not get caught, the latter seems riskier. I want to see a therapist or psychiatrist but I’m afraid to tell my parents why. My life is perfect, I have never been abused in any way and only have 2 of the killers triad. (I stopped bed wetting at a normal age) On the sanity quiz I scored a 75 (making me think I am a hypochondriac) but I had 5 serious concerns being: Schizophrenia,Mania & Bipolar Disorder,Alcohol/Drug Issues, Technology Issues, Obsessions & Compulsions (OCD runs in my family and I thought these don’t bother me enough to warrant professional help) Is this normal and nobody talks about it or should I seek help? How should I tell my mom? (she is seeing a therapist for manic depression if that pertains to my question) Please take me seriously, I’m not trying to think of some crazy question to ask to “troll” you wonderful people, I am being serious and I hope you think I am too. Thank you for performing this service.

A. Your desire to want to kill people is not normal or healthy. It is a sign that something may be wrong. It is also a sign that you should seek help immediately.

You described several symptoms that are concerning and potentially indicative of a mental illness. These symptoms include: the fact that you cannot tell if you are dreaming or not, believing that there are two demons giving you commands and your belief that you are their “agent.” Those may be signs of a break with reality.

To answer your questions directly, it is abnormal to want to kill people and to be experiencing symptoms that may be consistent with a break with reality.

Yes, you should speak to your parents about your symptoms. Request that they have you evaluated by a mental health professional. If your parents do not take your request seriously, I would recommend having them read my response to your questions. It is imperative that you seek help immediately for these issues. If you are experiencing a break with reality or are on the verge of a break with reality, there are treatments available that can prevent such an occurrence. One should always attempt to prevent a psychotic episode when possible.

I only have a very limited amount of information and thus cannot determine with any certainty whether you have a mental illness. That is why it is imperative that you receive an in-person, psychological evaluation to determine what if anything may be wrong.

I hope that you are able to receive the help that you deserve. Do not ignore your symptoms and ask for help immediately. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

I really like to know how crazy I am. Here is my story. I’ve been abused all my life. My father was emotional and mentally abusive to my mom and I. I had to watch my dad try to kill my mom a few times. So I never had a father. So my brother become the most father figure I had. Then he raped me, and the sexual abused went on for about a mouth and a half. My sisters ended up raising me after that. I always had trust issues so I never really had any friends at all. So I started to talk to myself. And I feel as if like the person answering back is one of the only person I can trust. I am going to counseling and I was diagnosis with PTSD, so Ive been taking Zoloft. However when I get drunk all I remember is passing out on my bed. But then my roommates and neighbors say I was up acting fine, and hanging out. There only has been a few times where I wake up somewhere, where I didnt know how I got there. And the times that that has happened my roommates said that I passed out for a few secondes. When I talk to myself I will look in a mirror and I always feel as if I wasn’t looking back at myself but at a different person as if their person in the mirror could reach out and touch me and if there is no mirror then I will look back in for. IE if i was talking I will look to the right and if the second person my head will look to the left. Is this common for people how were abused like me. Is this just apart of my PTSD?

A: You aren’t “crazy.” You are a traumatized person who is responding to a long history of abuse in one of the ways that people do. Please take your letter to your therapist. If your therapist doesn’t know about these symptoms, she can’t be as helpful as either of you would like. What you are describing might be consistent with Dissociative Identity Disorder but I don’t have enough information to make that call. Your therapist does.

I’m very glad you are taking care of yourself by working with a therapist. You deserve to sort these things out and to have a much happier future.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

I was raped by my psychiatrist in 1989, I kept it hidden away for 2 decades then on one day in one minute, it crashed in on me. Flashbacks, hallucinations, I just went into a free fall and tried to end it all several times. I don’t know how to get everything packed back away and locked back up, I know my doctors want me to let it out and a lot of it I have, but details pop up from hearing or seeing and sometimes smelling things. I also have DID and MDD w/psychosis. Sometimes I can feel the things he did, it was violent and long, so frightening to even type. He was so much bigger than me and knew me so well. He knew I’d never tell, he ruined me, but I’m responsible, I did something. I didn’t even see it coming, what an idiot. How do I put this away?

A. I’m sorry that this is happening to you. It is very difficult. You’re lucky to have support from mental health professionals. I don’t think you can “put this away.” Perhaps you are having memories of the events because you are psychologically ready to deal with them. It may not feel that way but there is a reason why you suddenly were able to recall the tragic event.

There is no easy way to deal with this problem. I would advise you to utilize the support of your mental health professionals as much as possible. Take it one day at a time. It may also be helpful if you joined a support group where there are others who have had a similar experience. Many people greatly benefit from support groups. They find it advantageous to be in the presence of others who can relate to their experience.

Try to refrain from saying negative things about yourself. Being raped is not your fault.

I hope that you’re able to get the help that you desire. It feels very difficult now because you are just beginning to deal with all that has happened but your life will improve with time. It has for many people and it can for you too. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

I’m not sure what is wrong with me, and I’m too scared to ask my therapist. I need a bit of help. No matter how hard I’ve looked, I can’t find anyone who has the same sort of issues as me. Last year I sort of split my personality into two parts, one for the ‘good’ me, and one for the ‘bad’ me. I feel like the ‘bad’ me is a completely separate person from myself. The ‘good’ me has depression, anxiety, and self harm issues. The ‘bad’ me, has issues with stealing, setting fires, pedophilia, sadism, homicidal ideation and pathological lying. The ‘bad’ me (I’ve self diagnosed) has Schizoid and Antisocial personality disorders. Sometimes I can’t tell who is the ‘good’ me and the ‘bad’ me, I get so confused.

After reading about the Columbine massacre, I have been completely obsessed with mass murders, and all I think about is killing people. Strangers on the bus, the kids at school, my own family. And while I am the ‘bad’ me, everything I am thinking seems perfectly rational and normal to me. It’s only after, when I am the ‘good’ me again that I realize how messed up that all is. I dropped out of school because I had adrenaline rushes all the time from thinking about shooting up the place. I stopped hanging out with friends. I’ve done barely anything since the summer of last year, all I do is sit around at home worrying about losing it.

Nothing feels real anymore, and everything I say feels like I’m talking about someone else. Sometimes I go back to the ‘good’ me and find that I’ve been planning a murder, and wonder how I could have thought that was alright. My ‘bad’ self even planned a school shooting, and the only reason my ‘bad’ self didn’t do it was because I don’t have access to a gun. I’m scared and I want to know what is wrong with me! Help!

A: I am very, very glad you contacted us. You wrote a very clear letter that explains your feelings well. You have far too much going on inside for a 15-year-old to deal with alone.

Many, many people write letters to us here at PsychCentral as a kind of rehearsal for what they wish they could say to their therapist or someone else. It’s a good use of this website. Sometimes writing can help a person organize their thoughts and pour out the feelings that are so difficult to express to someone in person.

Having done the rehearsal, it’s time to do the real thing. Please — take your letter to your therapist and share it. I assure you, most experienced therapists have seen some version of what you are describing and can handle it. If your therapist is young and inexperienced, she or he will get a consultation or will refer you to someone who can offer help. But neither scenario can happen if you don’t share your thoughts and feelings. We therapists only have what our clients tell us (and our observations in session) to go on. We can’t do our job without your help. It’s like one hand trying to clap.

You made an important start toward your own healing by writing your letter. Now please take the next step and show it to the therapist who wants to help you.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie