I’m not sure what is wrong with me, and I’m too scared to ask my therapist. I need a bit of help. No matter how hard I’ve looked, I can’t find anyone who has the same sort of issues as me. Last year I sort of split my personality into two parts, one for the ‘good’ me, and one for the ‘bad’ me. I feel like the ‘bad’ me is a completely separate person from myself. The ‘good’ me has depression, anxiety, and self harm issues. The ‘bad’ me, has issues with stealing, setting fires, pedophilia, sadism, homicidal ideation and pathological lying. The ‘bad’ me (I’ve self diagnosed) has Schizoid and Antisocial personality disorders. Sometimes I can’t tell who is the ‘good’ me and the ‘bad’ me, I get so confused.

After reading about the Columbine massacre, I have been completely obsessed with mass murders, and all I think about is killing people. Strangers on the bus, the kids at school, my own family. And while I am the ‘bad’ me, everything I am thinking seems perfectly rational and normal to me. It’s only after, when I am the ‘good’ me again that I realize how messed up that all is. I dropped out of school because I had adrenaline rushes all the time from thinking about shooting up the place. I stopped hanging out with friends. I’ve done barely anything since the summer of last year, all I do is sit around at home worrying about losing it.

Nothing feels real anymore, and everything I say feels like I’m talking about someone else. Sometimes I go back to the ‘good’ me and find that I’ve been planning a murder, and wonder how I could have thought that was alright. My ‘bad’ self even planned a school shooting, and the only reason my ‘bad’ self didn’t do it was because I don’t have access to a gun. I’m scared and I want to know what is wrong with me! Help!

A: I am very, very glad you contacted us. You wrote a very clear letter that explains your feelings well. You have far too much going on inside for a 15-year-old to deal with alone.

Many, many people write letters to us here at PsychCentral as a kind of rehearsal for what they wish they could say to their therapist or someone else. It’s a good use of this website. Sometimes writing can help a person organize their thoughts and pour out the feelings that are so difficult to express to someone in person.

Having done the rehearsal, it’s time to do the real thing. Please — take your letter to your therapist and share it. I assure you, most experienced therapists have seen some version of what you are describing and can handle it. If your therapist is young and inexperienced, she or he will get a consultation or will refer you to someone who can offer help. But neither scenario can happen if you don’t share your thoughts and feelings. We therapists only have what our clients tell us (and our observations in session) to go on. We can’t do our job without your help. It’s like one hand trying to clap.

You made an important start toward your own healing by writing your letter. Now please take the next step and show it to the therapist who wants to help you.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

The hallucinations are starting up again. The more stress the more I’m declining. 2 little girls are drawing and playing on my sidewalk outside my door, and I can’t stop thinking they’re evil. Every little out of place noise makes me jump and my skin crawls with terror. My thoughts are all over the place like pure chaos in a blender. And I can’t shake the feeling that something is coming for me.

I’ve been hospitalized once before but signed myself out because they put me on a dual unit though I don’t have a drug problem. 3 psychiatrists so far and I feel like none of them have really listened and just want to push meds down my throat without getting to the heart of the issue first. Stopped seeing my last therapist because he told me I was seeing ghosts and kept trying to shove a trauma history down my throat. And my last one pretty much let me run the show. Even my GP doesn’t listen when I asked to see a neurologist.

I don’t want to look like I’m doctor-hopping, but I can’t help it. I can’t trust them, and they haven’t listened. How am I supposed to find someone who can help me when I don’t trust anyone? I feel powerless in the face of a doctor (MD or PhD) and at the pathetic mercy of insurance companies and the hoops I have to jump through with them

A. I am sorry about your difficult situation. I can see why it is difficult for you to trust someone at this time. Delusions and hallucinations feel completely real to those who are experiencing them, even though they are not at all real.

The latter point is important for you to focus on: Delusions and hallucinations feel completely real but they are not real at all. You can trust doctors. Doctors want to help. The children outside your door are not evil. The difficulty is that the sick brain cannot distinguish between what is real and what is not real. That is why it is essential that you seek help immediately.

By not seeking help, the children may be in danger. Please consider going to the doctor or the hospital, despite your fears. I understand how difficult that may be but you must seek help for the sake of innocent others.

Your brain won’t let you know what is real during a delusional period. Delusions attempt to fool you. Never forget this, violence is always wrong. If you feel the urge to do anything that is harmful to yourself or to another, immediately get help. Help is just one phone call away. Dial 911. Help, and I mean real help, will be at your door minutes later.

I hope that you will seek the help that you need and deserve. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

Hello,
I am not so different from my peers in many ways, but now it feels like I’m an entirely different person on the inside. I came from a middle-class family, got good grades and worked really hard. I was accepted to my dream school with a significant scholarship, but then had to leave after my first year due to financial reasons. After moving out on my own, I struggled to pay bills and rent and became depressed after being turned away from every job I applied to. I had few friends that lived nearby. My parents were going through their own financial difficulties. I was stealing food from the grocery store to eat. Eventually I had sex with an older, wealthy, married man for $500 so that I could pay rent. I did this about 2 or 3 times.. I do not think about this very often. I became very good at compartmentalizing my life.

Now I finally found a job, and I am so relieved. I also have a boyfriend, whom I was just starting to date at the time all of that was happening… I felt so guilty, but I couldn’t tell him what I was doing. I felt ashamed, but also had a sense of empowerment at the time… like I had pushed my boundaries so far that I was unbreakable. Maybe that sounds weird, but that’s how I felt. I felt very strong. And yet, at the same time I now feel empty… like I have lost touch with my sense of reality.

Nothing feels real… I feel like this curtain has been lifted and now my way of seeing the world is completely different. I have no boundaries for myself. I have a hard time feeling like I am actually a real person… like everything is just some dream. In someways I now feel antisocial. I would never ever hurt anyone, but I used to be so empathetic.. now I find most men disgusting and weak. It’s almost like some of them can SENSE what I did.. I get approached far more often now, even though I dress conservatively and have not changed physically. I just feel different… I have a hard time connecting to people. I have become a great actress. Sometimes I feel like I am just playing a role, and I wonder if any of my reactions to situations are real at all.

I am dealing with other issues too. Sometimes it’s so hard for me to even get out of bed, I am tired all the time. I have also been drinking quite a bit, and actually shoplifting the bottles of wine since I am under 21. It makes me feel alive and awake, but I always feel so guilty. I know it’s wrong, I know the world has consequences, and yet none of it feels like it has substance to me anymore.

Thank you for reading this. I hope you will not judge me too harshly. I always thought that I was a good person, but I have done things that many would find unacceptable. Carrying this secret has changed me. What can I do to feel passionate about my life again? Why do I feel like nothing is real anymore? I cannot afford therapy at this time, but I really want to try and work on myself. I don’t know how to move on from this chapter in my life. I used to be so full of life, but everything seems so empty now. Not sad, just empty and unreal. I don’t know where to go from here.

A: Thank you for writing. You’ve been suffering in silence far too long. What I think happened is this: You crossed the line of your own values. To let yourself do it, you separated a part of yourself from the rest. You call it compartmentalizing. I think it may be more serious than that. It’s possible you actually dissociated a part of yourself. It’s a coping mechanism that is common when people do or feel forced to do something they feel is fundamentally wrong. As a tactic, it wasn’t entirely successful. The part that dissociated feels strong and powerful. But the rest of you feels guilty and depressed. No wonder it’s hard to live in your own skin!

Where you go from here is a therapist’s office or a women’s center for some counseling. Therapists don’t judge. We try to help as best we can. Therapy can help you literally pull yourself together. I know you said you can’t afford therapy but there is free or low-cost treatment available. I did a web search of “free counseling, name of your city” and found a number of resources. I hope you will do the same. I think you need the support of an experienced therapist to help you reintegrate yourself and reclaim the person you are at heart.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

He and I have been together on and off for 3 years. During this time, he has told me that he sees ghosts, used to be in a cult(the stories are absolutely unbelievable), and that he has another personality. Most of this, I have just ignored, because he loves attention. About a month ago, we were trying to work things out, and he got me pregnant. I didn’t know however, and decided to try to get away from him. Then I started getting texts from him, about how I deserve to die. When I found out I was pregnant, I told him, and he said that he wants to be there for it. Since then, he told me that he lost control when I left and was plotting on killing me and my sister, but that he’s okay and in control now. I’m scared that I’m going to do something to set him off, and I don’t really know where to turn. Is there a way to have him committed if I have the texts and everything?

A. Depending on the specificity of his threats he may be eligible for involuntary commitment or he may be arrested. With such limited information it’s difficult to answer your specific question.

My recommendation in this situation is to go to the police immediately and show them the text messages that you have been receiving. Those text messages are proof of his threats. Do not ignore his threats. Do not assume that his threats are his way of garnering attention. They may be but that should not be your concern at this time. The concern is that he has made direct threats against you and your sister which need to be taken seriously. I hope that you will go to the police immediately and keep yourself and your family safe. Please take care and stay safe.

Dr. Kristina Randle

Now I’m starting to think I’m just crazy: I’m 20 years old and I find myself losing touch with the world more and more each day. All throughout my life I’ve always known I was different. Growing up, I understood things the other kids didn’t. I was smarter than the other kids and I was invincible. Things started going down hill for me around aged 12. I was still the smarted and different from everyone else, but I had lost friends. From this age onward I would only have 1 or less friends at a time. I started having troubling thoughts and began doubting my reality.

Now I am an adult and I realise how wrong I was. Although I still feel that way, even though I know it can’t be right. Otherwise why would i be doing so badly in life?

I’m too depressed to do anything productive. And I can’t stand other people, so I avoid them. Sometimes if I’m in public I feel like screaming and pulling my hair out just because they don’t understand. Because I think they are all stupid and I hate that they are doing so well in life and I’m not. I don’t feel they deserve anything (even though when I think about it alot of them do. It’s just first reaction to seeing someone, I think the worst of them). I’ve been talking to people inside my head more and more often as the years go by. Repeating people are a male and female doctor, and a parent that doesnt exist. Other times it’s just random peoples voices that never return though.

I often get paranoid and think people are listening in on my thoughts or trying to mess with them, so I quickly change my thoughts to 100 different things and try to act normal but then they know I know they are listening.

I also often fantasize about being a multi-billionaire or being extremely powerful/invincible physically. Then when I snap out of it and come back to reality I get so depressed because I know it’s the complete opposite.

Is there medicine I can take for this?

A. Your symptoms are unusual and concerning. You have feelings of grandiosity (i.e., feeling special). You also hear voices, experience paranoia, have trouble with social relationships, and have bouts of depression. With the exception of depression, your symptoms are characteristic of psychosis. Symptoms of psychosis are associated with schizophrenia, schizoaffective disorder and several other mental health disorders. Individuals who experience a milder version of psychotic symptoms might have schizotypal, paranoid or schizoid personality disorder. I cannot say with certainly if you have any of the aforementioned mental health disorders. Only an in-person psychiatric evaluation could make that determination.

To answer your question directly, yes, there is medication that could effectively treat your symptoms. Antipsychotic medications can decrease or eliminate the voices, paranoia and your grandiose feelings. Antidepressants can help to stabilize your mood. You may also want to consider therapy to address your social interaction difficulties.

You have been experiencing psychosis-like symptoms since adolescence. These symptoms should be addressed and treated as soon as possible. Undoubtedly, they are negatively impacting your life. If left untreated, they may become worse and potentially lead to a full-blown psychotic episode. Medication would greatly reduce that risk and it could significantly improve the quality of your life. I hope that you will consider having a psychiatric evaluation and beginning treatment. I wish you the best of luck. Don’t hesitate to write again if you have additional questions. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

I want to take this girl to prom but am afraid of my mom’s response. I am a senior in high school who lives with his mother. About 8 years ago after my parents divorced my mom began to change in behavior in terms of her perception of reality – speaking to the radio and becoming religious. Its been hard growing up with my mother as she always stressed and hovering over my shoulder. She originally took her medication on her own but I soon had to ensure she continued without her noticing. So I like this girl in school and am going to prom with her.My mom for the most part has never really been a part of my highschool life but now i think as I am leaving for highschool she feals lonely and insecure. My mom has started calling up my friends and asking them questions about where/whom am I with. I know that my mom doesn’t want me to be with a girl but I really want to go to prom. I basically want to know if it is a good idea to tell the girl i like about my moms condition and to be weary of her phone calls. But the thing is that i have never told anyone about my mom before and am worried about her response. Please help.

A. I am sorry that you are faced with these difficult challenges at such a young age. Given the instability of your mother, your home life seems chaotic. I understand that your parents are divorced but is your father aware of her behavior and the fact that she’s not taking her medication? It is important to inform him about what is happening in the home.

Her behavior is especially concerning because she’s involving others outside the home. Your friends may be confused or even frightened by your mother’s phone calls and report her behavior to their parents, who in turn may call the authorities. That is another reason why you should inform your father about your mother’s behavior. If mental health professionals are involved in her case, you should report her behavior to them as well. Intervention may soon be necessary.

You asked whether you should tell your prom date that your mother has schizophrenia. It sounds as if you’re going to have to tell her something because your mother may call her. It might be better if she aware of your mother’s problem. If you do not know your prom date well at this point, then revealing too much information about your mother’s condition might frighten her. You will have to best judge the situation and decide appropriately.

Unfortunately, there is a stigma associated with schizophrenia. The laypersons’ perspective of schizophrenia tends to be negative.

You could provide nonspecific details such as: “my mother is having some mental health difficulties and she struggles when she does not take her medication.” Or “my mother worries about me and if she calls you it is just because she wants to meet the person I am spending my time with.” If you and your date develop a close relationship, you could reveal your mother’s diagnosis but it might be best to do so slowly. That is my general recommendation but ultimately, you’ll have to be the judge. If you have additional questions, please don’t hesitate to write again. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

I think my husband is suffering from a mental disorder or schizophrenia. We have been married for 3 years and have 3children 2 being 8 month old twins. We got into a fight and the first time in 5 years i walked out and lefted. ever since then he has turned into a completely different person. It’s like he hates me he did tell me about 2 years ago that he heard voices and that he see’s ghosts all the time etc. He has been drawing weird shapes and one time he started freaking out that he had to have a note book because he had to draw something that is in his head. He ended up drawing a diamond with 69 diamonds in it. Now all of a sudden he doesn’t want to be married he walks around like he is just not really there anymore. I don’t know what to do because i just want him to know that i am here for him. It took me a while to realize what was going on. Now i want to help him and over night he has gone to hate me so much.

A. It is unusual to hear voices and to see ghosts. You also described your husband as “walk [ing] around like he is just not really there anymore.” That behavior might be indicative of depression or possibly the early phase of a psychotic disorder. Based on limited details it is difficult to determine what may be wrong.

If he is experiencing psychosis (which is associated with schizophrenia and other psychotic disorders), then it is imperative that he seek treatment immediately. Psychosis requires intervention and if left untreated, it typically becomes worse. If safety issues are a concern, then contact your local mental health crisis team. The team can visit the home and conduct an onsite evaluation.

Be vocal about your concerns. Encourage him to have a psychiatric evaluation. If you are willing and if you think it would be beneficial, offer to attend the evaluation with him. It would send him the message that you care about his well-being and might increase the likelihood that he would be open to treatment. If he is unresponsive to your attempts to help him, then you may want to involve friends or family members who you believe might help.

If you have additional questions, please don’t hesitate to write again. Please take care.

I have recently become concerned with my mental health. I am twenty-one, and I realize that this is an age where people begin to often experience their psychosis, so I need to ask, am I losing it?

As far as my history goes, my father had borderline personality disorder, and in his last days he completely lost it and shot himself. Also, when I was sixteen I was diagnosed with Anxiety Disorder. I have experienced several loved ones deaths and suicides, I was abused mentally, sexually and physically as a child and because of this, I am worried that I am going to end up with a severe personality disorder as well.

My problem is that I tend to forget that I did something several times a week. Usually, it’s a relatively small thing, like something I said to my sister, or I brought my purse in with me to the office. But tonight I was told by my sister that my room mate had been standing there when I said something, and for the life of me, I don’t remember her standing there. I feel like I am going crazy.

I honestly don’t know what to do. I took your sanity test tonight and it said that I may have dissociative/multiple personality disorder. I then went and looked up the stressors, etc. and it seemed to be rather accurate of what I am going through right now.

However, everyone I have asked has said that they don’t think that I have different “personas,” I don’t change character around other people. In fact, it has often been said that I never change.

But everything else is accurate. I forget things, situations, etc. all the time, and I’m really worried about it. I have also noticed that if I do certain routines my memory gets worse.

All-in-all, how do I find out what I have and can I be treated? I don’t make much as I go to school full-time, but if there is something I can do, somewhere I can go, I am all ears, please tell me.

I have decided to check out my school counselors for now. But, I am definitely open for other suggestions as well. Thank you.

A. I think meeting with a mental health professional at the school counseling center was a very wise decision. They can assist you in multiple ways including: assessing your symptoms to determine if a mental health disorder is present or referring you for a more thorough evaluation, if necessary. They can also treat your symptoms in the short term, which may both decrease your anxiety and improve your overall quality of life.

One of the main symptoms of DID is memory loss. You experienced some memory loss but it’s fairly minor. There may be other, more severe instances of memory loss that were not included in your letter. An in-depth evaluation could determine if your memory loss falls into the range of “normal.”

You may also want to consider having a neurological evaluation to rule out any medical problems. It is important to rule out all medical explanations.

I would also recommend keeping a daily log of your symptoms and memory loss. Documenting your symptoms may uncover unique patterns. That information would also be helpful to your treating physician and your therapist.

Finally, it would be advantageous to continue educating yourself about DID and other mental health disorders. Many people experience a variety of symptoms but don’t meet the criteria for any one disorder. Your personal history is characterized by trauma which may be contributing to your difficulties as an adult. Psychotherapy may greatly assist you with this.

Please take care. Best of luck to you.

Dr. Kristina Randle

Uhh. I’m 13 and I I will sound crazy, but I’m serious here. You know the phrase ‘train of thought’? Well, it needs a track if it’s a train. So my whole life there were two tracks of thought, mine & a narrator (stupid things like ‘as she opens the fridge’ only after I read a novel) Well, since puberty, increasingly the narrator thinks (well talks but I can’t LITERALLY hear it) more often, and there is another track, an interviewer, which I have internal conversations with whilst pacing) And more importantly, the main one is rearranging itself. Picture, a long rectangle, made of two columbs connected, each made of blocks. And they’re arranged, so that it doesn’t conflict itself. But it has been rearranging itself and it’s sooo confusing. I feel like a liar, in everything I think, because half of me says one thing, and the other another.

Recent examples-1. ‘Reality is an illusion, everyone wants to take over your mind.’ The other half will respond, ‘That isn’t logical.’ First half responds “The concept of logicality is illogical. Anyways, they only WANT you to think logicality matters. You don’t exist anyway. You are immortal, and they just want to make you mortal.”

Another example is, if I see/hear something not there (not often though, just once/twice a week, hearing doors unlocking/voices saying my name/ufo/telephone being dialed or recently, seeing some chick just bizzarely STARING at me through a window) I’ll ask someone around me if they heard/saw it, they say no, mind half one:’crap not again’ other half ‘it’s there, they lie’. Crap like that, and I can’t focus on what I’m supposed to do. I don’t even know which half to believe. I just want it to STOP.

Please, do you have any idea what I’m saying? My few, barely trustable friends think I’m crazy. I can tell from their eyes.

A: Your letter shows you to be an articulate and intelligent young woman. But I think there may be more to this than a creative spirit and mind. I think you’re right to be concerned. I’m sure managing all this is at times exhausting.

Please ask your parents to take you for a mental health evaluation. If you have trouble explaining why, simply show them your letter and this response. You need to talk to someone who can hear your whole story and who can help you make sense of what is going on in your head. As you already know, you aren’t doing well on your own. There is no shame in getting some help with an unusual and distressing situation. With your intelligence and motivation, you’ll work well with a therapist.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

I have lived with depression/social anxiety and selective-mutism for the past 4-5 years. I recently had my sister express her concern for my mental health. She begged me to seek help.

I engage in cutting, overdosing, starvation. I have cut since the age of 14 and have never stopped, going so far as to cut my vein and be sent to hospital. I want death. In fact I dwell on suicidal thoughts 70% of the time and have tried many times to end my life.

I have people that I talk to, that only exist in my mind. To me they are very real. They are my friends. I have 6; Ana, Camilla, Everette, Dustin, Peachy and Court. Each emerged at times of great sadness, anger or happiness over a 5 year period. I can’t make them leave me alone. I don’t control them. They help me when I am sad. Camilla isn’t very nice though and would properly try to hurt me if I let her.

I miss parts of my day and never can remember what I did. I am forgetful and will forget a conversation minutes after having one.

I feel that I have another person with me. And that sometimes that person will take charge of my emotions. When this happens I am not myself. I feel trapped in a body that is not my own. I want to leave it, so I harm it. I take pictures of my wounds, and keep them for months after.

I am a recluse and rarely leave the house 1 day out of two months. I don’t have any desire to. I also live in my head all day. I don’t talk to my family. I imagine people around me and I talk to them in my head and work out my emotions that way.

My family is taking me to see the doctor Monday. I don’t feel I am sick, but I understand enough to know that they are scared, and I will do what it takes to make them feel happy. Please tell me if going to see professionals would be wise?

A. To answer your question directly: Yes, it would be wise to see a professional. You are experiencing serious symptoms and have been for many years. Professional help can assist you in decreasing your symptoms and improving your life.

Your family is worried that you have schizophrenia, but that may not be the case. Though I cannot provide a diagnosis over the Internet, your symptoms seem more characteristic of dissociative identity disorder (DID) than schizophrenia. The specific symptoms that I am referring to include: memory loss, your description of feeling trapped in a body that is foreign to you, your awareness of other personalities that are dissimilar to your own, and the fact that some of your behavior seems to be outside of your control.

Other concerns about your situation include your tendency to be isolative, your history of suicide attempts and the fact that you spend 70 percent of your time contemplating suicide. All the aforementioned concerns significantly increase your risk for suicide. Under no circumstances is suicide the correct choice. In addition your family, who obviously loves and cares about you, would be devastated if something were to happen to you. For those reasons, it is imperative that you do what your family is suggesting and meet a mental health professional.

For many people, the thought of getting help is frightening. That comes from not knowing what to expect. Fear is understandable; however, please know that you have nothing to be frightened of. Mental health professionals are trained to assist their clients in solving their problems. They sincerely want to help you. Their ultimate goal is to improve the quality of your life.

Listen to your family. They are doing the right thing. You are blessed to have such a caring and loving family. I hope that you will attend the appointment and get the help that you deserve. I wish you well. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

I am 14 years old, I am female, and I have known I was different ever since I was about seven years old. When I was seven, these “voices” started talking in my head. I didn’t know any different, but what they were saying scared me. When I used to watch television and people would come on the show, the voice in my head would constantly say “I hope they die” or horrific things like, “I hope they get cancer”. I used to talk back saying “No. No I don’t. Go away, leave me alone”, and it upset me. I spent a whole year being scared and feeling terrible when the voices started talking about my mother. They still come back sometimes, and I always have to reply saying “No, i don’t” or “No, go away”. I used to have compulsions, such as tapping things that I already touched once a certain number of times (usually even numbers, 2, 4, 8, 16, 32 etc), and before i was ‘allowed’ to sleep, I had to recite the alphabet (in my head) about 16+ times every night, as well as opening doors over and over again and lights. There are more compulsions but there are too many to list. These went on and off for about four years.

When I was eleven years old, I had a very bizarre and strong fear of not being able to sleep. Around new years time I could not sleep at all, and I started getting paranoid that i would never sleep again. So the compulsions came back stronger and I HAD to go to bed at the same time every night; 8:00 PM. This overtook my life, and i would be in constant fear of not being able to fall asleep. Again, these died down after about a year.

This year, (now 14 years old) the obsessions have worsened A LOT. I have been in constant worry about things that won’t happen, i have had false memories, i’ve had to constantly confess to my mother (stupid little things), I’ve had horrifying thoughts and images in my head, i am paranoid, and a lot more. I also went through a period of thinking I was a monster, the scum of the Earth (even though I would never EVER do anything like the thoughts), I was afraid I liked the images and thoughts (but I don’t, they were horrible and disturbing). I still have daily compulsions, and I have periods of being afraid of getting diseases. I also have hoarding issues (i keep everything, because i worry that i will regret getting rid of them) and I have a special order for some possessions. I’m scared writing this will trigger it all again.

I have also always felt like I was different. I have a huge imagination, and am generally curious. I create worlds in my mind, with characters, some with strange names like “No” and “9″. I sometimes get confused as to whether I am in fantasy or reality (I prefer fantasy), and I believe in magic and the paranormal a lot. Anyway, there is this wolf that follows me around and “protects” me called Fate. He controls the future and what will happen if I do certain things. He is the good friend. “No” is the bad friend. He puts the bad thoughts and images into my mind and I can sense his presence (I feel uneasy, often like I am being touched by some unseen force. I talk to them a lot, usually telling “No” to leave me alone. I don’t physically see them, but I can imagine them and sense that they are here. I believe in a lot of magical beliefs (that no one else does) including psychics, aliens, ESP, ghosts and future reading (which has happened to me before). I have some sort of paranoid personality. I am constantly scared about hidden cameras behind mirrors, people watching me or looking for me, the government listening in on me, things in outer space watching or listening to me. I was convinced there were hidden cameras in the toilets at school, and I therefore would NEVER go. I always thought people were talking and laughing about me, and people always seem to be looking at me. I don’t like mirrors because I am scared people are behind them, watching me, or they are portals into another dimension or my reflection will move when I don’t etc.

Last year, I had an extreme anxiety that people were plotting to kill or attack me, and I thought they would. I couldn’t sleep or eat, I was always afraid. Some of these obsessions have interfered with school, and I have tried to tell my mother, but she said I will “grow out of it” or “seeing a psychiatrist will not help you get a job”. Please help me.

I can get very irritable sometimes. I have a low self esteem and do not really care for personal hygeine like I should. I am very shy and I talk to myself a lot. I frequently I “zone out” and forget where i am for a minute (often like you are when you first wake up). I can block out people talking and all noise when this happens and I don’t blink during this. My speak patterns are weird too; sometimes I can be very talkative and have a lot to say (not in front of strangers though), sometimes I stutter or completely miss words out of sentences and sometimes I completely forget what I was going to say. There are times when I am shy, withdrawn and “empty” and I won’t say much if anything at all.

Also, sometimes I feel extremely angry, and my moods change, one minute I am very sad, and the next minute I am happy. I don’t know if it is because I am a teenager or something else. I am also scared of attacking people, sometimes I get a sudden urge to and it scares me. (I don’t mean seriously attack them, I mean hit loved ones etc). I frequently get headaches too.

Earlier this year my obsessions were weight-related. I HAD to burn off thousands of calories each day. This became a serious compulsion and interfered with my school. I lost a lot of weight too. I also started self-harming. A voice in my head kept telling me “nobody likes you”, or “you are ugly and deserve this”. It made me feel better. It was like a release. I have stopped now though. I still have compulsions which are a part of my life now.

Is this OCD? Paranoia? Schizophrenia? Schizotypal? I’m so confused, I just want to understand myself.

I know there were more things I wanted to talk about, but I have forgotten. Please help me. Thank you very much, take care. :)

A: This is an incredibly well-written and articulate letter for someone who is only 14. I’m afraid I’m not going to be much help. As detailed as your letter is, I have too many unanswered questions. There are a number of both medical and psychological illnesses that share some or all of the same symptoms. I therefore can’t tell you what’s wrong. I can only tell you what you already know: What you are reporting is not typical or considered “normal.” The thoughts and compulsions take up a lot of time and interfere with your ability to function in regular life. I imagine it’s hard to make and keep friends, to do your school work or even to develop your interests.

You didn’t mention whether you have shared any of this with your parents or your doctor. You need to. No one should have to go through days of fending off threatening voices. No one should be such a prisoner to her own compulsions that she can’t do life.

Fortunately, there is medicine and therapy that can tone all this down. But in order to get treatment, you have to be willing to see a mental health provider and to be as honest in the initial interview as you have been in your letter. In fact, a good way to start is to simply share your letter with the counselor. You did a fabulous job summarizing the issues.

Writing this letter was an important first step in getting the help you need and deserve. I hope you’ll follow up and make the next step. Ask your parents to help you find a counselor who specializes in teen issues.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

Not sure whether to seek professional help. I’m a mess, I’m actually finding it difficult to talk to people, because I’m scared of how they’ll react. I’m scared of them thinking I’m a freak, or the polar opposite.. that I’m attention seeking or being dramatic.

I have a kind of imaginary ‘friend’. His name’s Red. He talks to me, but most of the time he tends to use other noises rather than talking. For example.. there’s a kind of tingly noise when we’re talking, and when he gets annoyed it’ll get really loud. (Sorry if that’s hard to understand.) He thinks I should kill myself, he’s really nice to me if I start talking about suicide. He also talks alot about sex.. sorry if this is too information but basically I was forced into sex when I was younger, and he tells me (in more vulgar words) that I should stop moaning about it. I’m painting him in a negative way, but he can be really nice to. When he’s in a good mood he’ll hold my hand and give me a cuddle.

When we talk it’s usually at night, and I feel like I’m a different person. I find it difficult to remember everything afterwards, as though I’d been really drunk or something. This worries me because last year, my night time persona kind of carried on in the day and I attempted suicide. I didn’t feel myself at all. In that ‘other’ persona, I think I might be a danger.

I know not all of this is linked to schizophrenia.. I’m not sure if I do have it, I have done the schizophrenia quiz on here and scored high. Even writing this… I’m terrified of how you’re going to react. If I’m a minute late for a class, I feel like running away rather than going in. I feel like everybody’s against me. I don’t blame them, I’m not a good person.. but I’m scared of what people are going to do. I don’t trust them. Red kind of encourages me to trust no one. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, if anything is wrong with me. If I’m being melodramatic. I’d really appreciate your opinion..?

A. Your symptoms are concerning. “Red” has directed you to commit suicide and you have engaged in suicidal behavior without realizing it. Those may be symptoms of schizophrenia but they may not be. It is difficult to determine from a short letter.

Another possibility is disassociative identity disorder (DID). DID was formerly called multiple personality disorder. Some of your symptoms are consistent with the latter disorder including: “feeling like a different person,” loss of memory, the description of having an “nighttime personality” and “not feeling like yourself” for extended periods of time. DID is a rare disorder and only a trained professional could determine if you have this disorder.

No one should ignore the hearing of voices, when the source of those voices is not physically present in the world. Your experiences should be brought to the attention of a therapist and that is most especially true since “Red” has directed and encouraged you to hurt yourself. No person or thing that encourages you to hurt yourself is good in any way. You should immediately seek help from a professional. If before your appointment you feel like you are going to hurt yourself, you should drive to the nearest hospital, a place of safety, where you will be protected.

Yes, you should seek help. You are not being “melodramatic.” You have a problem that requires professional assistance. Therapists are trained to help; that is their job. They are familiar with the inner workings of the human mind. They recognize the many problems that can befall each and every one of us. They will not judge you negatively. They only want to help. I hope you are able to receive the help that you desire. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

Hi, I’m only writing this to a website because I am absolutely at a loss. For as long as I can remember, my best friend has been dealing with her two brothers being drug addicts. One doesn’t live at home with her and her parents, so he is no longer an issue, but the other does.
He’s addicted to prescription painkillers, and other drugs, I’m not sure which. At least twice a month he has an outburst where he’s either arrested, breaks into his sister’s room, has episodes due to taking an excess of drugs, etc. Each time, the parents will be upset during the episode, but days later forget about it. They refuse to take drastic measures to help their son (and their daughter – who I am mostly concerned for).
My friend is at her wit’s end. She wants to move out, but can’t afford to, and doesn’t want to lose ties with her family – who will disown her if she moves out. But they keep condoning the behavior of their drug addict son. When she tries to talk to her parents, they tune her out or tell her she’s paranoid and being ridiculous. When she wrote her feelings in a letter, they didn’t read it.
What can she do? Everything seems to depend on her parents doing a complete 180, and deciding to listen to her, and realize the terrible situation they are in. Everyone is a victim here, but unfortunately my friend is the only one who realizes this.
What are her options? How can I help her? I don’t know who to talk to. I’m tempted to call the police myself, the next time something happens when her brother is out of control. Any help or advice you can offer would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

A: Your friend’s family is in serious denial. There is little you or your friend can do to pull them out of it. Sadly, their inability to cope with the situation could end in tragedy. These boys could end up in jail, in a hospital, or dead. You know that. Your friend knows that. But until her parents know it and act on it, things are unlikely to change.

But there is one thing your friend can do. I suggest that she locate a local meeting of Al-Anon. Al-Anon is an organization of family and friends of addicts. Members teach each other ways to cope and how they can be less affected by the behaviors of the addicted family member. Often when one member of a family starts going and gets stronger, other family members get interested. There’s no guarantee of that, of course. But it does often happen.

There are Al-Anon meetings in almost every city and town. Go to the Al-Anon website and look for information about a local meeting. Your doctor might also know where to refer you.

You are being a good friend to care so much. Please pass on that information. You might even find it helpful to go with her to some meetings.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

I have panic attacks. I tend to go into my own head and I feel like I’m outside of myself when I do that. Also I hear voices and have very violent dreams and daydreams about killing others. Can you help me?

A: Please press the arrow below to hear my audio response.

Thanks for writing in to Ask The Therapist. Take good care of yourself.

Julie Hanks, LCSW

My husband and I have been together for 2 years. We just recently had a baby boy who is now 6 months old. Ever since i found out i was pregnant, our fighting got worse. He didnt want me to have the baby but i wanted to so i kept him. He is a good dad but doesnt help with the baby. He has never changed a diaper or fed him. Anyway, we have always rough housed for fun. Here lately, when we start to rough house, we get more rough than we use to. It gets me frustrated and i start screaming at him in an angry way. I will start shaking and want to just hit something as hard as i can! Keep in mind that my whole life, I have been a HUGE push over and have let everything roll off my back because I hate confrontation and try to avoid it at all cost.

A: You and your husband have avoided dealing with major, major issues. Pushing feelings down doesn’t make them go away. They are just lurking under the surface waiting to get out. You two get into a bit of fun fighting and it’s as if you then lose the ability to keep those issues under wraps. My guess is that at age 20, your husband is highly resentful that he now has responsibilities for a baby he didn’t want. You’re resentful of his resentment. (BTW: A “good” father participates in care. It’s a red flag to me that your husband isn’t interested in changing and feeding his son.) If you don’t deal with all this directly, it’s going to come out indirectly — and probably in increasingly hurtful ways. You two need to get to a couples counselor yesterday! You need to learn how to cooperate and make decisions you can feel good about. And you need to learn how to coparent in a way that is healthy for your little son.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie