I have recently become concerned with my mental health. I am twenty-one, and I realize that this is an age where people begin to often experience their psychosis, so I need to ask, am I losing it?

As far as my history goes, my father had borderline personality disorder, and in his last days he completely lost it and shot himself. Also, when I was sixteen I was diagnosed with Anxiety Disorder. I have experienced several loved ones deaths and suicides, I was abused mentally, sexually and physically as a child and because of this, I am worried that I am going to end up with a severe personality disorder as well.

My problem is that I tend to forget that I did something several times a week. Usually, it’s a relatively small thing, like something I said to my sister, or I brought my purse in with me to the office. But tonight I was told by my sister that my room mate had been standing there when I said something, and for the life of me, I don’t remember her standing there. I feel like I am going crazy.

I honestly don’t know what to do. I took your sanity test tonight and it said that I may have dissociative/multiple personality disorder. I then went and looked up the stressors, etc. and it seemed to be rather accurate of what I am going through right now.

However, everyone I have asked has said that they don’t think that I have different “personas,” I don’t change character around other people. In fact, it has often been said that I never change.

But everything else is accurate. I forget things, situations, etc. all the time, and I’m really worried about it. I have also noticed that if I do certain routines my memory gets worse.

All-in-all, how do I find out what I have and can I be treated? I don’t make much as I go to school full-time, but if there is something I can do, somewhere I can go, I am all ears, please tell me.

I have decided to check out my school counselors for now. But, I am definitely open for other suggestions as well. Thank you.

A. I think meeting with a mental health professional at the school counseling center was a very wise decision. They can assist you in multiple ways including: assessing your symptoms to determine if a mental health disorder is present or referring you for a more thorough evaluation, if necessary. They can also treat your symptoms in the short term, which may both decrease your anxiety and improve your overall quality of life.

One of the main symptoms of DID is memory loss. You experienced some memory loss but it’s fairly minor. There may be other, more severe instances of memory loss that were not included in your letter. An in-depth evaluation could determine if your memory loss falls into the range of “normal.”

You may also want to consider having a neurological evaluation to rule out any medical problems. It is important to rule out all medical explanations.

I would also recommend keeping a daily log of your symptoms and memory loss. Documenting your symptoms may uncover unique patterns. That information would also be helpful to your treating physician and your therapist.

Finally, it would be advantageous to continue educating yourself about DID and other mental health disorders. Many people experience a variety of symptoms but don’t meet the criteria for any one disorder. Your personal history is characterized by trauma which may be contributing to your difficulties as an adult. Psychotherapy may greatly assist you with this.

Please take care. Best of luck to you.

Dr. Kristina Randle

Uhh. I’m 13 and I I will sound crazy, but I’m serious here. You know the phrase ‘train of thought’? Well, it needs a track if it’s a train. So my whole life there were two tracks of thought, mine & a narrator (stupid things like ‘as she opens the fridge’ only after I read a novel) Well, since puberty, increasingly the narrator thinks (well talks but I can’t LITERALLY hear it) more often, and there is another track, an interviewer, which I have internal conversations with whilst pacing) And more importantly, the main one is rearranging itself. Picture, a long rectangle, made of two columbs connected, each made of blocks. And they’re arranged, so that it doesn’t conflict itself. But it has been rearranging itself and it’s sooo confusing. I feel like a liar, in everything I think, because half of me says one thing, and the other another.

Recent examples-1. ‘Reality is an illusion, everyone wants to take over your mind.’ The other half will respond, ‘That isn’t logical.’ First half responds “The concept of logicality is illogical. Anyways, they only WANT you to think logicality matters. You don’t exist anyway. You are immortal, and they just want to make you mortal.”

Another example is, if I see/hear something not there (not often though, just once/twice a week, hearing doors unlocking/voices saying my name/ufo/telephone being dialed or recently, seeing some chick just bizzarely STARING at me through a window) I’ll ask someone around me if they heard/saw it, they say no, mind half one:’crap not again’ other half ‘it’s there, they lie’. Crap like that, and I can’t focus on what I’m supposed to do. I don’t even know which half to believe. I just want it to STOP.

Please, do you have any idea what I’m saying? My few, barely trustable friends think I’m crazy. I can tell from their eyes.

A: Your letter shows you to be an articulate and intelligent young woman. But I think there may be more to this than a creative spirit and mind. I think you’re right to be concerned. I’m sure managing all this is at times exhausting.

Please ask your parents to take you for a mental health evaluation. If you have trouble explaining why, simply show them your letter and this response. You need to talk to someone who can hear your whole story and who can help you make sense of what is going on in your head. As you already know, you aren’t doing well on your own. There is no shame in getting some help with an unusual and distressing situation. With your intelligence and motivation, you’ll work well with a therapist.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

I have lived with depression/social anxiety and selective-mutism for the past 4-5 years. I recently had my sister express her concern for my mental health. She begged me to seek help.

I engage in cutting, overdosing, starvation. I have cut since the age of 14 and have never stopped, going so far as to cut my vein and be sent to hospital. I want death. In fact I dwell on suicidal thoughts 70% of the time and have tried many times to end my life.

I have people that I talk to, that only exist in my mind. To me they are very real. They are my friends. I have 6; Ana, Camilla, Everette, Dustin, Peachy and Court. Each emerged at times of great sadness, anger or happiness over a 5 year period. I can’t make them leave me alone. I don’t control them. They help me when I am sad. Camilla isn’t very nice though and would properly try to hurt me if I let her.

I miss parts of my day and never can remember what I did. I am forgetful and will forget a conversation minutes after having one.

I feel that I have another person with me. And that sometimes that person will take charge of my emotions. When this happens I am not myself. I feel trapped in a body that is not my own. I want to leave it, so I harm it. I take pictures of my wounds, and keep them for months after.

I am a recluse and rarely leave the house 1 day out of two months. I don’t have any desire to. I also live in my head all day. I don’t talk to my family. I imagine people around me and I talk to them in my head and work out my emotions that way.

My family is taking me to see the doctor Monday. I don’t feel I am sick, but I understand enough to know that they are scared, and I will do what it takes to make them feel happy. Please tell me if going to see professionals would be wise?

A. To answer your question directly: Yes, it would be wise to see a professional. You are experiencing serious symptoms and have been for many years. Professional help can assist you in decreasing your symptoms and improving your life.

Your family is worried that you have schizophrenia, but that may not be the case. Though I cannot provide a diagnosis over the Internet, your symptoms seem more characteristic of dissociative identity disorder (DID) than schizophrenia. The specific symptoms that I am referring to include: memory loss, your description of feeling trapped in a body that is foreign to you, your awareness of other personalities that are dissimilar to your own, and the fact that some of your behavior seems to be outside of your control.

Other concerns about your situation include your tendency to be isolative, your history of suicide attempts and the fact that you spend 70 percent of your time contemplating suicide. All the aforementioned concerns significantly increase your risk for suicide. Under no circumstances is suicide the correct choice. In addition your family, who obviously loves and cares about you, would be devastated if something were to happen to you. For those reasons, it is imperative that you do what your family is suggesting and meet a mental health professional.

For many people, the thought of getting help is frightening. That comes from not knowing what to expect. Fear is understandable; however, please know that you have nothing to be frightened of. Mental health professionals are trained to assist their clients in solving their problems. They sincerely want to help you. Their ultimate goal is to improve the quality of your life.

Listen to your family. They are doing the right thing. You are blessed to have such a caring and loving family. I hope that you will attend the appointment and get the help that you deserve. I wish you well. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

I am 14 years old, I am female, and I have known I was different ever since I was about seven years old. When I was seven, these “voices” started talking in my head. I didn’t know any different, but what they were saying scared me. When I used to watch television and people would come on the show, the voice in my head would constantly say “I hope they die” or horrific things like, “I hope they get cancer”. I used to talk back saying “No. No I don’t. Go away, leave me alone”, and it upset me. I spent a whole year being scared and feeling terrible when the voices started talking about my mother. They still come back sometimes, and I always have to reply saying “No, i don’t” or “No, go away”. I used to have compulsions, such as tapping things that I already touched once a certain number of times (usually even numbers, 2, 4, 8, 16, 32 etc), and before i was ‘allowed’ to sleep, I had to recite the alphabet (in my head) about 16+ times every night, as well as opening doors over and over again and lights. There are more compulsions but there are too many to list. These went on and off for about four years.

When I was eleven years old, I had a very bizarre and strong fear of not being able to sleep. Around new years time I could not sleep at all, and I started getting paranoid that i would never sleep again. So the compulsions came back stronger and I HAD to go to bed at the same time every night; 8:00 PM. This overtook my life, and i would be in constant fear of not being able to fall asleep. Again, these died down after about a year.

This year, (now 14 years old) the obsessions have worsened A LOT. I have been in constant worry about things that won’t happen, i have had false memories, i’ve had to constantly confess to my mother (stupid little things), I’ve had horrifying thoughts and images in my head, i am paranoid, and a lot more. I also went through a period of thinking I was a monster, the scum of the Earth (even though I would never EVER do anything like the thoughts), I was afraid I liked the images and thoughts (but I don’t, they were horrible and disturbing). I still have daily compulsions, and I have periods of being afraid of getting diseases. I also have hoarding issues (i keep everything, because i worry that i will regret getting rid of them) and I have a special order for some possessions. I’m scared writing this will trigger it all again.

I have also always felt like I was different. I have a huge imagination, and am generally curious. I create worlds in my mind, with characters, some with strange names like “No” and “9″. I sometimes get confused as to whether I am in fantasy or reality (I prefer fantasy), and I believe in magic and the paranormal a lot. Anyway, there is this wolf that follows me around and “protects” me called Fate. He controls the future and what will happen if I do certain things. He is the good friend. “No” is the bad friend. He puts the bad thoughts and images into my mind and I can sense his presence (I feel uneasy, often like I am being touched by some unseen force. I talk to them a lot, usually telling “No” to leave me alone. I don’t physically see them, but I can imagine them and sense that they are here. I believe in a lot of magical beliefs (that no one else does) including psychics, aliens, ESP, ghosts and future reading (which has happened to me before). I have some sort of paranoid personality. I am constantly scared about hidden cameras behind mirrors, people watching me or looking for me, the government listening in on me, things in outer space watching or listening to me. I was convinced there were hidden cameras in the toilets at school, and I therefore would NEVER go. I always thought people were talking and laughing about me, and people always seem to be looking at me. I don’t like mirrors because I am scared people are behind them, watching me, or they are portals into another dimension or my reflection will move when I don’t etc.

Last year, I had an extreme anxiety that people were plotting to kill or attack me, and I thought they would. I couldn’t sleep or eat, I was always afraid. Some of these obsessions have interfered with school, and I have tried to tell my mother, but she said I will “grow out of it” or “seeing a psychiatrist will not help you get a job”. Please help me.

I can get very irritable sometimes. I have a low self esteem and do not really care for personal hygeine like I should. I am very shy and I talk to myself a lot. I frequently I “zone out” and forget where i am for a minute (often like you are when you first wake up). I can block out people talking and all noise when this happens and I don’t blink during this. My speak patterns are weird too; sometimes I can be very talkative and have a lot to say (not in front of strangers though), sometimes I stutter or completely miss words out of sentences and sometimes I completely forget what I was going to say. There are times when I am shy, withdrawn and “empty” and I won’t say much if anything at all.

Also, sometimes I feel extremely angry, and my moods change, one minute I am very sad, and the next minute I am happy. I don’t know if it is because I am a teenager or something else. I am also scared of attacking people, sometimes I get a sudden urge to and it scares me. (I don’t mean seriously attack them, I mean hit loved ones etc). I frequently get headaches too.

Earlier this year my obsessions were weight-related. I HAD to burn off thousands of calories each day. This became a serious compulsion and interfered with my school. I lost a lot of weight too. I also started self-harming. A voice in my head kept telling me “nobody likes you”, or “you are ugly and deserve this”. It made me feel better. It was like a release. I have stopped now though. I still have compulsions which are a part of my life now.

Is this OCD? Paranoia? Schizophrenia? Schizotypal? I’m so confused, I just want to understand myself.

I know there were more things I wanted to talk about, but I have forgotten. Please help me. Thank you very much, take care. :)

A: This is an incredibly well-written and articulate letter for someone who is only 14. I’m afraid I’m not going to be much help. As detailed as your letter is, I have too many unanswered questions. There are a number of both medical and psychological illnesses that share some or all of the same symptoms. I therefore can’t tell you what’s wrong. I can only tell you what you already know: What you are reporting is not typical or considered “normal.” The thoughts and compulsions take up a lot of time and interfere with your ability to function in regular life. I imagine it’s hard to make and keep friends, to do your school work or even to develop your interests.

You didn’t mention whether you have shared any of this with your parents or your doctor. You need to. No one should have to go through days of fending off threatening voices. No one should be such a prisoner to her own compulsions that she can’t do life.

Fortunately, there is medicine and therapy that can tone all this down. But in order to get treatment, you have to be willing to see a mental health provider and to be as honest in the initial interview as you have been in your letter. In fact, a good way to start is to simply share your letter with the counselor. You did a fabulous job summarizing the issues.

Writing this letter was an important first step in getting the help you need and deserve. I hope you’ll follow up and make the next step. Ask your parents to help you find a counselor who specializes in teen issues.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

Not sure whether to seek professional help. I’m a mess, I’m actually finding it difficult to talk to people, because I’m scared of how they’ll react. I’m scared of them thinking I’m a freak, or the polar opposite.. that I’m attention seeking or being dramatic.

I have a kind of imaginary ‘friend’. His name’s Red. He talks to me, but most of the time he tends to use other noises rather than talking. For example.. there’s a kind of tingly noise when we’re talking, and when he gets annoyed it’ll get really loud. (Sorry if that’s hard to understand.) He thinks I should kill myself, he’s really nice to me if I start talking about suicide. He also talks alot about sex.. sorry if this is too information but basically I was forced into sex when I was younger, and he tells me (in more vulgar words) that I should stop moaning about it. I’m painting him in a negative way, but he can be really nice to. When he’s in a good mood he’ll hold my hand and give me a cuddle.

When we talk it’s usually at night, and I feel like I’m a different person. I find it difficult to remember everything afterwards, as though I’d been really drunk or something. This worries me because last year, my night time persona kind of carried on in the day and I attempted suicide. I didn’t feel myself at all. In that ‘other’ persona, I think I might be a danger.

I know not all of this is linked to schizophrenia.. I’m not sure if I do have it, I have done the schizophrenia quiz on here and scored high. Even writing this… I’m terrified of how you’re going to react. If I’m a minute late for a class, I feel like running away rather than going in. I feel like everybody’s against me. I don’t blame them, I’m not a good person.. but I’m scared of what people are going to do. I don’t trust them. Red kind of encourages me to trust no one. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, if anything is wrong with me. If I’m being melodramatic. I’d really appreciate your opinion..?

A. Your symptoms are concerning. “Red” has directed you to commit suicide and you have engaged in suicidal behavior without realizing it. Those may be symptoms of schizophrenia but they may not be. It is difficult to determine from a short letter.

Another possibility is disassociative identity disorder (DID). DID was formerly called multiple personality disorder. Some of your symptoms are consistent with the latter disorder including: “feeling like a different person,” loss of memory, the description of having an “nighttime personality” and “not feeling like yourself” for extended periods of time. DID is a rare disorder and only a trained professional could determine if you have this disorder.

No one should ignore the hearing of voices, when the source of those voices is not physically present in the world. Your experiences should be brought to the attention of a therapist and that is most especially true since “Red” has directed and encouraged you to hurt yourself. No person or thing that encourages you to hurt yourself is good in any way. You should immediately seek help from a professional. If before your appointment you feel like you are going to hurt yourself, you should drive to the nearest hospital, a place of safety, where you will be protected.

Yes, you should seek help. You are not being “melodramatic.” You have a problem that requires professional assistance. Therapists are trained to help; that is their job. They are familiar with the inner workings of the human mind. They recognize the many problems that can befall each and every one of us. They will not judge you negatively. They only want to help. I hope you are able to receive the help that you desire. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

Hi, I’m only writing this to a website because I am absolutely at a loss. For as long as I can remember, my best friend has been dealing with her two brothers being drug addicts. One doesn’t live at home with her and her parents, so he is no longer an issue, but the other does.
He’s addicted to prescription painkillers, and other drugs, I’m not sure which. At least twice a month he has an outburst where he’s either arrested, breaks into his sister’s room, has episodes due to taking an excess of drugs, etc. Each time, the parents will be upset during the episode, but days later forget about it. They refuse to take drastic measures to help their son (and their daughter – who I am mostly concerned for).
My friend is at her wit’s end. She wants to move out, but can’t afford to, and doesn’t want to lose ties with her family – who will disown her if she moves out. But they keep condoning the behavior of their drug addict son. When she tries to talk to her parents, they tune her out or tell her she’s paranoid and being ridiculous. When she wrote her feelings in a letter, they didn’t read it.
What can she do? Everything seems to depend on her parents doing a complete 180, and deciding to listen to her, and realize the terrible situation they are in. Everyone is a victim here, but unfortunately my friend is the only one who realizes this.
What are her options? How can I help her? I don’t know who to talk to. I’m tempted to call the police myself, the next time something happens when her brother is out of control. Any help or advice you can offer would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

A: Your friend’s family is in serious denial. There is little you or your friend can do to pull them out of it. Sadly, their inability to cope with the situation could end in tragedy. These boys could end up in jail, in a hospital, or dead. You know that. Your friend knows that. But until her parents know it and act on it, things are unlikely to change.

But there is one thing your friend can do. I suggest that she locate a local meeting of Al-Anon. Al-Anon is an organization of family and friends of addicts. Members teach each other ways to cope and how they can be less affected by the behaviors of the addicted family member. Often when one member of a family starts going and gets stronger, other family members get interested. There’s no guarantee of that, of course. But it does often happen.

There are Al-Anon meetings in almost every city and town. Go to the Al-Anon website and look for information about a local meeting. Your doctor might also know where to refer you.

You are being a good friend to care so much. Please pass on that information. You might even find it helpful to go with her to some meetings.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

I have panic attacks. I tend to go into my own head and I feel like I’m outside of myself when I do that. Also I hear voices and have very violent dreams and daydreams about killing others. Can you help me?

A: Please press the arrow below to hear my audio response.

Thanks for writing in to Ask The Therapist. Take good care of yourself.

Julie Hanks, LCSW

My husband and I have been together for 2 years. We just recently had a baby boy who is now 6 months old. Ever since i found out i was pregnant, our fighting got worse. He didnt want me to have the baby but i wanted to so i kept him. He is a good dad but doesnt help with the baby. He has never changed a diaper or fed him. Anyway, we have always rough housed for fun. Here lately, when we start to rough house, we get more rough than we use to. It gets me frustrated and i start screaming at him in an angry way. I will start shaking and want to just hit something as hard as i can! Keep in mind that my whole life, I have been a HUGE push over and have let everything roll off my back because I hate confrontation and try to avoid it at all cost.

A: You and your husband have avoided dealing with major, major issues. Pushing feelings down doesn’t make them go away. They are just lurking under the surface waiting to get out. You two get into a bit of fun fighting and it’s as if you then lose the ability to keep those issues under wraps. My guess is that at age 20, your husband is highly resentful that he now has responsibilities for a baby he didn’t want. You’re resentful of his resentment. (BTW: A “good” father participates in care. It’s a red flag to me that your husband isn’t interested in changing and feeding his son.) If you don’t deal with all this directly, it’s going to come out indirectly — and probably in increasingly hurtful ways. You two need to get to a couples counselor yesterday! You need to learn how to cooperate and make decisions you can feel good about. And you need to learn how to coparent in a way that is healthy for your little son.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

I know it sounds awful and I hate it…. but I want to know if there’s a psychological problem related to this or if I’m just a psycho. And if so are there any cures or ways to make me change. I hate it and m embarrassed but I fantasize being paralyzed ad if I wasn’t a religious person I don’t thin I’d able to stop myself from making this a reality and harming myself. Ive come close to it but then I feel ashamed. WHICH I KNOW I SHOULD BE! If anyone who is or knows someone paralyzed I apologize. I now it’s sick but I seriously don’t know how to stop these feelings…

A: I am very glad you took the time to write this. The fact that you feel upset about these thoughts and felt prompted to write us is a very positive sign. You know this fantasy isn’t truly part of you and are feeling the angst because of it. Honor the discomfort and talk to a therapist about when it began, what has been going on in your life, and the possible reasons you would fantasize about it happening. My guess is that in starting to explore your discomfort with the fantasy you may come to understand more about how it began, and what can be done about it.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

I am hearing voices telling me that I am part of the murder club. They tell me that I am causing a hurricane soon and that it would be best if I cleansed the poison in my body out by taking all my medicines at once.

I know that I shouldn’t listen to the voices and I am trying not to, but I am also scared to tell my mom or my therapist just how much I’m struggling. I don’t want to disappoint them because I’ve been doing so well up until now.

Do you think I will be able to get through this on my own, or what else should I do. I am really scared right now.

A. Pete Earley, best-selling author of the book Crazy, A Father’s Search Through America’s Mental Health Madness, recently profiled the death of a much-loved mental health advocate named Glenn Koons. The story of Mr. Koons is a tragic one. He was a peer-to-peer advocate who worked with groups such as the National Alliance on Mental Illness. He was recently invited to the White House by President Barack Obama to celebrate the 20th anniversary of the Americans with Disabilities Act.

Mr. Koons had gone missing and was recently found dead by a utility worker in a small Pennsylvania town. Some believe that he stopped taking his medication, had a relapse and may have been too ashamed and embarrassed to seek help because of his high-profile status as an individual who had recovered from a mental illness.

The tragic story of Mr. Koons’s death underscores the importance of seeking help. It also highlights the reality that there is no shame in seeking help. No one is certain what happened to Mr. Koons but it is possible that his death could have been prevented. No one knows with certainty what Mr. Koons was thinking and the speculation could be completely inaccurate; however, for many people it is the fear of failure and embarrassment that stops them from getting life-saving help. This should not be the case.

Would you feel embarrassed about seeking help for a broken leg or a bleeding ulcer? I highly doubt it. The same logic should apply when seeking help for a mental illness. There is a stubborn and inaccurate belief in our society that asking for help for a psychological problem equates to being weak or to not having the willpower to handle your own problems. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Each of us faces a series of problems throughout our lives. The nature and severity of those problems varies to one degree or another but problems are a part of daily life. They are a part of human existence. Relapses do happen. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Feeling ashamed is tantamount to blaming yourself for hearing voices. The fact that you hear voices is not your fault. If your loved one were suffering in a similar manner, you would hope and expect that they would come to you for help. It sounds as though you have a supportive mother who loves you. You also have access to a therapist. Please utilize the resources that you have available to you.

Treatments are available that can decrease or eliminate your unpleasant symptoms. Get help as soon as possible. It is the only correct way to handle this situation. I wish you the best luck. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
@DrKRandle

for starters i was sexually abused as a child, suppressed it for years, wake up in sweats and cant find myself. tend to push people away. always talk someone in my head, kind of like i found a friend. dont talk to people but when i do, i get nervous, say what i have to say then “retreat” until comfortable enough to come back. introvert and prefer to be by by myself. scared to be alone. take on demonic/angelic personas…depending on the environment im in. its like i have to kick myself in order to feel good/sane/at ease. the crazy part is i feel like/think im being followed all the damn time and its ******* frustrating/annoying/depressing. i hear thoughts that arent mine and it makes me want to punch walls which drives me to my demonic evil ill-kill-you-if-you-touch-me side. please help me if you can. appreciate it.
roman

A. Roman, I am very sorry that you are struggling. It is difficult not to feel grounded. The fact that you have the insight to recognize that a problem exists is very encouraging. It means that you can take action. I would strongly recommend that you see a mental health professional immediately. The symptoms that you have described should not be left untreated. They are significantly interfering with your life. There are many treatments that could help you. You don’t have to continue suffering.

Generally speaking, people who hear voices do not describe it as a pleasant experience. The voices often say very negative things and urge the individual to engage in destructive behavior. Voices are not a normal part of everyday life. Hearing voices is a sign that help is needed.

Seeking help may be difficult for you because of your introverted nature but do it anyway. If money is an issue, then go to your local community mental health center. You can be evaluated and offered treatment by a mental health professional for a low rate or free of charge. If you feel that you might harm yourself or someone else, then go to the emergency room or call 911. Please take care and get help as soon as possible.

Dr. Kristina Randle

Hello.

This is practically my last stop, as I don’t know who else to ask. As you may know, my country doesn’t have many ‘good’ therapists. I’ve been through 4 already, and I still haven’t got the answer I need.

Sorry if the question is a bit too big, there are just too many things that shouldn’t be left out about me.

Basically, I like to picture myself as an inverted triangle, with the bottom edge being the regular me, and the two other edges being my two main ‘problems’.

One of those edges symbolizes the thing I’ve felt since I was a kid. Not belonging, not wanting to study, hating school, not being interested in any career. The part of me that’s always bored with this “normal” life.

I think I might have figured some things out by myself. First thing being my highly sensitive brain, and how that makes me see more than the exterior of people. I think of it as a gift, but it often makes me think people might be saying bad things about me. Most of the time, it doesn’t bother me at all; I just thought I’d point that out.

Anyways, another quality of mine that I think is linked to that is the fact that I can copy mostly every thing I hear, see or feel; be it from people, games or movies, there’s always something I take from those things and incorporate into myself. Then, after a while, I filter out the secondary things. I’ve come to accept that most of those things have shaped me into the person I am today.

I think of me as a chameleon. I can do practically everything, and I’m not saying it in a narcissistic kind of way, it’s just simply true. Whenever I feel like going out or meeting people, I do it, and I never fail. I can engage in conversation with anyone, and I’m able to examine them and analyze my surroundings while doing that.

Short example. If I watch a movie about cops, I’ll want to be a cop, and I’ll often act like the cops in that movie. Just small secondary actions, but still. Or, let’s say I’m playing a fighter jet game. The minute I close the game, I want to be a pilot. I feel the rush for flying through the skies and being part of something.

For the record, gender doesn’t matter. I can like being a male character the same as being a female one.

In that sense, I know I have a bit of a problem with reality. Sometimes, I get detached from it and wish I could have a less boring life. I know there’s absolutely no career for me that will give me the, sometimes even surreal, ‘action’ I want.

Now, on to the other edge of the triangle.

When I was 18, I stumbled upon the thought of being someone else. A girl, specifically. I looked up ‘mind transfer’, and found out something totally different. Turns out this feeling of being in the wrong body that I had, was Gender Identity Disorder. That’s what I thought at the time, anyways.

After doing a little retrospective, I remembered I used to go through mom’s clothes and try them on. This was probably between 10 and 13 years of age. Also, my father was hardly ever home. He used to have a public transport business back then, and he also drank heavily and scared mom and me whenever he was in a bad mood. I’m sure those things have left a scar in me, but oh well.

So, nowadays, whenever I look at a girl, makeup, clothes, even the word ‘girl’, I feel sad about being a man. At the same time, it doesn’t happen with women. Not above their 50s, at least. Something about youth and beauty, and the fear of not having it some day. In the end, I guess we’ll all have to worry about it when the time comes, it just scares me. The fact that I may not want to grow up and lose my ‘beauty’.

Beauty, that’s a word I relate to ‘girl’. Sometimes, I definitely know I still have what it takes to be a girl. Other times, I see every single thing that would work against me due to my age. Depends on the mood, I guess.

My last therapist told me that might have been a thought I created. A ‘safe-zone’, so to speak, and that I had to actually go out before I could make a decision. I always thought he was wrong, because at the time this thought came to my head, back when I was 18, I did had some friends and went out several times a week. Even though I had just finished high school and had given me a ‘free year’, I never spent most of my time alone.

For these past 5 years, I’ve always, always wanted to make sure I don’t make the wrong decision. That’s what hurts me too, most of the time. Thinking I should’ve just taken some hormones and get over with it. But I’m here now, and the past is, well, the past.

So, I did went out to see meet some people whom I shared some interests with. Those few times, I tried acting like ‘myself’, like a girl, and it was great. Like I said, I can start a conversation with mostly anyone, and it turned out to be a great night.

Still, whenever the other edge of the triangle comes into my mind, it makes me feel like ‘pretending’ to be a girl is just a way of lying to myself. In the end, I know how I behaved, and how great it felt. It’s just whenever I find new characters to extract some features from; I step out of the ‘girl’ mindset, just for some brief moments.

And so, I’m finally here. I’ve read about what I think is my condition, and there’s only one more thing standing in my way.

Do I have a Bipolar Disorder, or GID?

Some people say that GID can originate from Bipolar Disorder, and if that were the case, then I would be making the wrong decision by taking hormones. If it’s the other way around, and it turns out I have both things, I would honestly feel a lot more relieved.

That’s the only answer I’m looking for. The closure, who I really am. Again, sorry for making this question so big. I just had a lot of things in my head. I do have a lot of things. Most of the time.

A: It would be presumptuous of me to use the information you have given me to make a diagnosis, but I will say this. I greatly admire your resilience and perseverance in finding treatment for yourself. The fact that you keep searching, and working on finding a answer is not only admirable, but a clear strength of yours that is emerging. Perhaps that is the thing I can offer you. Regardless of what your diagnosis is you have strengths that are clear and present. I would strongly encourage you to take the signature strengths survey. I have written about it here and there is a link for you to take it from the article. This is the most widely known and used tool to focus on psychological strengths and characteristics. It is very detailed and will give you excellent information about yourself. It is free, and will take about 40 minutes to do.

While I am not denying the need for an accurate diagnosis, the need to focus on strengths has no downside, will enhance whatever your diagnosis is, and can be a real source of support for yourself.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

I’m not sure if I have a mental problem, and this is the closest I can come to figuring it out. I have a lot of weird things happening to me, here’s what they are.

-I cannot talk to people at all. It is extremely difficult to leave my house for this reason. If someone asks me if I want to go outside, the anxious feelings begin from there, and then get worse and worse as it gets closer to going outside and when I do go outside I get feelings of anxiety, nausea, heart racing, shaking hands, worried thoughts that people will laugh at me, stare at me, etc. and a lot of the time, I chicken out and stay inside. I can’t even sit on my porch or go in my backyard without these feelings. I had no friends in high school for this reason. I was awkward and had no social skills, no idea of eye contact, and no conversation skills. I worried the whole school day that every person who passed me was laughing at me. Because of all this anxiety, I began to have a strange demeanor. I would be stiff from head to tow, whenever I walked passed people I would “forget” how to walk normally and it felt like I was wearing cement shoes, I looked down because I “didn’t know where to look” when walking through the halls. I ended up staring at people in the eye. I also ended up staring and it felt like I was in a dream, like it wasn’t reality. I got this weird glaze in my eyes, some people said it looked like I was on drugs or that I was zoning out 24/7. In class I became so uncomfortable that I remained in the same position for the whole class period. I would be like a statue and almost never move. Before I moved, I obsessively planned how to move and how to place my hands, my feet, etc. I pretty much lost all that “naturalness” that humans have, before I made any movement I had to plan it. I also analyze a lot. How people look at me, how they say it, everything has a meaning to me so I notice things that most people don’t because of this. Weird thing is, I am like a social butterfly around only my family and have none of these symptoms with them.

-I also get really mad at people, then really happy at other times. After I get mad, even for the smallest things, I feel terrible for yelling at them. Other times I’m extremely happy and feel hopeful.

-I think people can read my mind. I tell myself it’s so stupid to think like this but still feel its true. I feel my prior bullies from school hid cameras in my house and watch my every move. I feel like they can see everything I do on the computer.
-I am very paranoid. I think my siblings always talk about me. I think everyone, including my extended family hates me because I act in that weird, uncomfortable, awkward way around him or her. I think every person in every car that passes by is staring at me through the rearview mirror or side mirror.

-I’m pretty sure I feel depressed a lot. It comes and goes each day. I get intrusive thoughts. I think bad things about my religion and family and these thoughts deeply disturb me. I get really upset when these thoughts pop in my head. I get some odd like symptoms when I get these thoughts to prove that I don’t believe these thoughts. Like entering a room over and over until the intrusive thoughts stop.

-My confidence in myself is always really low. I don’t think I can accomplish anything. I can never take any criticism, when I get criticized I get pretty depressed.
-I feel like any emotion is stupid. I feel embarrassed and stupid when I feel anything, happy, sad. I can’t even stand it when people congratulate me; I get uncomfortable when they do. I hate to cry and try to hold a lot of emotions in.

Please let me know if I do have any mental condition. I think knowing I have something would be a step to change my life, and I cannot go to a therapist due to my fear of going out.

A: First let me thank you for taking time to express your concerns in such detail. It sounds like it has been very difficult for you to manage. But there are very good things embedded in your concerns.

First there is the fact that your behavior is radically different at home than out in the world. This means that you have the skills, but there is something that is inhibiting you when you are in public. This is a good thing because it means you have the ability and need to learn how to use them in places other than with your family. This is a different issue than if someone wasn’t able to have these skills in any arena in their life. They would have to learn from scratch how to interact. This isn’t your situation. You know what it feels to be engaged, and when you are shut down. This is a better starting point.

Secondly, the part of you that is observing you to be this way in public is very astute and knows that the public behavior isn’t the true you. You are able to observe these aspects of yourself with depth and clarity. This self-reflection is the most essential ingredient to making changes.

While going out may not be an option you can get help from our forums, or from our online therapists. This would give you regular places to talk and learn about how to bring about change.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

I wonder if it is possible I had some form of schizophrenia as a child. I remember very little until I was 10 years old, and even between the ages of 10 -18 there are whole areas of my life that I do not remember. Family members have told me of situations that occurred during this time and I have no memory whatsoever of them. I remember there were things I felt, heard and saw that I didn’t tell anyone about. There were times that I felt like if I let go of my thoughts for a minute, I would go away and somebody else would take over. Those episodes stopped when I got into my teens. Is it possible I had schizophrenia or DID and went it undiagnosed? (I did enter therapy for a while in my 20′s.)

A. Many children and young adults have undiagnosed mental health disorders but in the case of schizophrenia, the symptoms generally don’t vanish in adulthood. Theoretically it’s possible, especially if individuals undergo intense therapy, but usually it does not happen that way.

The majority of individuals who ultimately develop schizophrenia first begin to experience symptoms in late adolescence and those continue into adulthood. Schizophrenia among children is rare. None of the symptoms you have described in your letter would lead me to believe that you had schizophrenia as a child. Having had a mental health disorder as a child cannot be ruled out but schizophrenia would not be, in my estimation, the most likely possibility.

Having been in therapy might have prevented the development of a severe mental illness.

You also inquired about having dissociative identify disorder (DID). The average age of onset for DID is between the ages of five and 10. A common symptom of DID is gaps in memory. Simply having memory loss, however, is not indicative of DID. Many individuals who never develop DID have difficulty recalling childhood memories.

Memory loss is also associated with trauma. Trauma is correlated with DID but one can have endured traumatic events without developing DID. Repressed trauma might be another explanation for your gaps in memory.

You may have had an undiagnosed mental health disorder as a child, such as DID, but it is difficult to know with certainty. One would have to conduct a thorough analysis of that time in your life, which might include interviewing your family members, former friends, former doctors, accessing historical medical or mental health records, etc.

You did not mention whether you currently have troublesome symptoms. If so, that might lend support to the idea that you had a mental health disorder as a child.

Consider consulting a mental health professional who could assist you in thoroughly investigating your mental health history. You may ultimately find that gaining definitive answers to your question may not be easy but it is worth the effort. I wish you the best of luck.

Dr. Kristina Randle

How can I explain to an ex-boyfriend who left state and returned that he needs help for is DID? My current psychologist couldn’t answer this question, but flipped it off as insignificant.  I fell in love in Jan. 2010 with a foreign worker who was here to repair damage in the condo after carpet removal and air scrubbing.  I texted him I was i terested and we had a first date.  He ran out unexpectedly, with no excuse and did not return.  ‘Gone then for 3 months to his “country”, back once, ran out with no reason, gone another month, “for a funeral”; back, ran away, then back after another 3 months saying he was emotionally sick and went back to his home country, and was sorry he didn’t call.  During all this strange interims, I hired a detective, then, found out in July he ran to another state, after saying he had gotten a new apt., broke his leg, came back, called me after I left a message at his work, then went back to the other state, back in two weeks to give no reason for his leavings, except that, “a man leaves because a man leaves.”  My question is:  since I noticed he had DID, and he agreed, and had tried to get help, can I assume the relationship is doomed or is there hope if he gets help, that he could ever be stable, or so men with this affliction just drift through life never really finding happiness?  Thank you for reading.  I would not give him a second thought, except that I did have real feelings for him, not just because of his illness.

A: What a tough situation. I think the best approach is to express your concern about his illness and strongly encourage him to get into a psychiatric evaluation to see if he indeed does suffer from Dissociative Identity Disorder. If your ex doesn’t want to get help, there is nothing you can do. If he does seek help there may be some improvement in his behavior and his stability through individual psychotherapy. I suggest you ask yourself “Why am I attracted to someone who is so unavailable and unstable?” There may be some deeper issues for you to explore in your own therapy. Thanks so much for writing in.

Take good care of yourself!

Julie Hanks, LCSW