Hi. I wrote to you over a year ago about my loneliness, and being stuck by myself due to not having a driver’s license because of a vision impairment. At the same time I let you know I did ride a bike around Sarasota for independence and to get places. I told you I had a septic knee at the time and could not ride my bike, could not get anywhere, and had no friends. I also had brain surgery for an AVM bleed many years ago, which resulted in the visual impairment and other learning disabilities. I have never felt “normal” since then. Your advice was good, and led me to a Guide Dog School. I have been here for four weeks training with a great dog named Jimbo. He loves me, and I him.

My new problem is getting past the feeling that I am not blind enough (like the other 8 students here now) to have this dog. During the first week I was challenged about why it took me so long to decide to get a dog. Instead of saying that I chose not to talk about it, I went on and tried to explain that no one had any rehab 50 years ago for vision, that my vision loss is cortical, not optical. I stammered and felt awful after the incident. Making it worse was the person who asked me this is a totally blind vet who had a grenade explode near his face. He is, of course, the star of the class as far as trainers helping him, etc.

I do not wish to be more blind than I am in any way, but I am feeling less deserving of this dog since graduation is this Thursday, and going home is the same day. I have this crazy idea the school will be checking up on me. I am almost to the point of abandoning the idea and letting a blind person have the dog who “really” needs him. I also am scared of going back to my apartment with a guide dog who does wear a harness when working, and then still wanting to ride my bike. I was honest with everyone involved about the bike riding, and I am legally blind. The bike still gives me so much happiness, but I am afraid of looking like a “fake” with a guide dog one day, and getting on a bike the next day. I am almost 62, and it is my exercise, also.

Please help me sort out these feelings, if you get some time this week.

A. Who is to judge your worthiness? In this situation, it is the guide dog agency.

You were evaluated for a guide dog and found to be worthy. You met the requirements as determined by those whose job it is to make such a determination. If the evaluators did not believe that you were worthy, then you would have been turned down. In their eyes, you are deserving of your new companion, Jimbo.

It is their job to make that determination. You must accept their judgment. They judged you as being worthy of having a guide dog. By suggesting that you are unworthy, or not as worthy as someone else, you are in essence questioning their judgment.

Recognize that your judgment is biased. By suggesting that you are not worthy enough, you are devaluing yourself. Some people overvalue themselves and some undervalue themselves. Based on the tone and content of your letter, you seem to have a tendency to undervalue yourself. It is important to appropriately value yourself in all situations. In this situation, the agency has deemed you as worthy and as such you should accept their judgment.

The reality is you have been deemed worthy. That judgment should extend to all areas of your life. If you struggle with valuing yourself appropriately, then it would be beneficial to seek counseling. Individuals who consistently devalue themselves often struggle with self-esteem issues.

Thank you for updating me on your situation. I hope that you can see the wisdom of accepting reality, can appreciate your worthiness and will thoroughly enjoy your new companion. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

Well, this is looking hopeless..but here goes nothing. I am 22 years old and I have been depressed my entire life. All I ever do is play video games so that I can escape my life and occupy my time. Sometimes I will get so depressed that I can’t even do that, I’ll just sit alone and stare at nothing until I have to go to work so that I can survive another day for a reason unknown to me. I never knew what I wanted to do with my life, I still don’t, and I am not interested in anything. Nothing excites me, I feel totally dead inside. Writing this now seems so futile.

Nothing really happened as a climax point in my life that caused me to be this way, but my dad died 2 years ago. I’ve always had a horrible relationship with my parents and my whole family. I am very shy naturally, I have an agreeable personality (that I hate), I have no friends, and I’ve been single my entire life. I’m not religious at all.

I don’t believe in anything except that I exist, and I really wish it wasn’t me. Every day I wonder why me, why do I have a consciousness and not somebody else instead. Every day I say to myself, “I hate my f——- life and I want to die”. I’m not somebody who cries a lot, and I’m not someone who harms themselves. I don’t think I will ever kill myself, I just don’t have what it takes, I will stick it out to the end for whatever that’s worth. I am so lonely and bored with everything, and it just seems like there is nobody out there. I’ve been to bars and social events and different things, but it’s just not helping me any. If you have anything to say to me I would appreciate it. Thanks

A: You know what I’m going to say: Get yourself to a therapist!!! You are seriously depressed. You may be grieving as well. (Yes, grieving; grieving the relationship you never had and now can never get from your folks.) Sitting alone in your room isn’t going to change how you feel. Hating your life isn’t going to change it. Writing to me isn’t going to change it. Going to social events and events without doing something about the underlying depression probably won’t work.

You somehow found the energy to write to us here at PsychCentral. That tells me you are getting ready to make a change. I hope you can find the energy now to make a call to your local mental health clinic. Treatment will help you have the life you want. Go for it.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

I need help. Ill try to explain as best I can. I lost my self esteem due to a sad childhood I was held back in school after words I saw no way to save myself so I give everything to everyone else I get money for my dad passing away I was only 7 at the time. I want to get a job but its hard because I drop out of school. I didn’t drop out because i was stupid it was mostly because I didn’t want to get out of my bed i didn’t see the point in school.

There is a lot more to the story but I just want someone to help me get my life together I feel like there no way I can fix my life.

A. I am sorry that you are struggling. You have had a difficult life. The good news is that you can overcome depression and change your life. Help is available. Many people have had depression, sought treatment and were able to make remarkable recoveries. Even individuals who have had depression for decades can experience significant improvements with the assistance of a mental health professional. You did not mention, in your letter, whether you’ve sought treatment. If not, you should.

Once meeting with your therapist he or she can refer you to a case manager who could assist you in getting your GED and a job. A great place to start would be your local community mental health center. If you have health insurance, call the 800 number on the back of your card for a referral to a mental health professional in your community.

Many people are reluctant to seek professional help. Even those who have suffered for many years often don’t see the value in seeing a therapist. Some hold the opinion that seeking professional help is a sign of weakness. They hold the distorted view that everyone should be able to solve their own problems. Others don’t wish to share the intimate details of their life with a stranger. Unfortunately, those attitudes remain prevalent in our society and contribute to the millions of people who live with untreated mental illnesses. Studies consistently show that individuals willing to seek treatment have the greatest likelihood of success.

Depression often creates tunnel vision. Individuals with depression have difficulty believing in a brighter future. Many feel alone, despondent and can’t envision a positive change in their emotional status. In this way, depression distorts one’s view of reality. Realize that there is help for you. I wish you the best of luck. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

Hello I am 13. Years old and I think I have depression. I have taken 7 tests for depression and they all say I do have depression. I am not comfortable talking to my family about this. I need to talk to some one I don’t know what to do. I am lost and confused. I have had thoughts about killing my self and it’s scaring me. I have no be to talk to that won’t freak out. I really need help ASAP I am confused of what I should do. Please help me I am sad and….and…. I just don’t know what to do.

A: You did a very courageous thing by taking the time to write us here. Now is the time to follow up on this courage. Tomorrow tell your favorite teacher at school, or the school counselor or school nurse exactly what you have told us. In fact, you can show them the letter. The fact that you don’t like how you’re feeling and want to feel better is a very healthy thing. What I can tell you is that depression can be helped and the people in your school are the ones to tell. They know the right things to do to get you feeling better.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

I’ve been depressed most of my life since I was a teenager. There were some times when I was happy but I always go back to being depressed. I have been to therapy three times.
Now I haven’t been feeling that depressed but I’ve been having a lot of anxiety so I started doing a workbook for anxiety and depression.
However, this book tries to find a connection between your problems and your childhood and when I was doing therapy they always asked about it as well.
But I had a great childhood, my parents were really nice and warm so I don’t understand why I have these psychological problems.
I feel like I have no right to have them because I haven’t had any major traumas and I didn’t have any problems with my family in my childhood.
It’s hard to talk to someone because I feel embarrassed to be depressed and anxious when I don’t have and didn’t have any real problems in my life.

A: Thank you very much for writing. It’s likely that the problem is not in your head but in your body. There are many medical conditions that can cause depression – a thyroid imbalance, a vitamin deficiency, anemia, malnutrition or an electrolyte imbalance, to name only a few. Please go to your medical doctor for a thorough physical exam. Be sure to share your symptoms of depression. Do not accept a referral to a mental health counselor until you’ve had tests to see if the problem has a physical cause. From what you wrote, the odds are that you have a treatable medical condition.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

I need advice on what I should do about a guy that lives in another state. We are in a very complicated situation.
I am 16 years old and in a situation I can’t figure out to do. I moved to Indiana this year, my junior year in high school. Among the fact of moving away from all my friends, starting at a new school where after about a semester and a half I haven’t made any really good friends, but my mom made me move away from my boyfriend that I am still in love with. We broke up of course long distance relationships are hard. But I still love him and he says he still loves me and he wants me to move back when I graduate and I want to. But the thing is he has a new girlfriend, he wants me to move there and leave my life and family but he’s not willing to come move here to be with me a year sooner. I recently went and visited and we had a great time and I am ashamed but he cheated on his girlfriend, so should I even trust him? He says he’s just with her to have somebody to keep around until he can have me again. I know I’ve probably made him sound like a terrible person but he is really one of the sweetest guys I’ve ever know and I’m not just saying that because I love him. So I just need some advice on should I still talk to him and go for being him again, or just stop talking to him and try to start a new life?

A: Stop talking to him and try to start a new life. As difficult as it sounds your own insight about your options is the very thing that needs to happen. There are too many unknowns here to put too much, if any, emphasis in a relationship. Stay in touch, lament, and keep the relationship as fluid and flexible as possible, but move on. Your age is a strong factor in your resilience in coping with this loss, and your recovery. I think this will be both difficult and liberating. I encourage you to write us back and let us know how it is going.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

well, i know for a fact i have depression. my friend had it exactly how i have it and well vicodine helps a lot with that, but it does affect my life since i have no energy and no fun at all when i am depressed and happens for no reason. I have trouble with social interactions and dont get some jokes/norms. i see things as black or white and have super high expectations for people. I had almost no friends untill i started learning social engineering. i tend to “flip out” on people and i have little to no empathy, i dont feel bad when other people are sad i just cant stand it. oh and im super paranoid and lie a LOT. basicly, i have been reading a bit on it after being in psychology and want to know if i should get help

A: Of course you should see a professional. If you could have handled this by yourself, you would have done so already. Self-medicating is never a good idea. There’s no need to resign yourself to being lonely and unable to connect with people for the rest of your life. It can’t feel good to know yourself to be a chronic liar. Paranoia is frightening and exhausting.

I’m very glad you’ve been doing some reading and that you are taking yourself more seriously. Please do make a call to get an evaluation by a clinician. You deserve a better life.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

My brother and I had been very close as kids, grew apart as we grew up, but always on good terms. He had a rough life, especially mentally. A few years ago, he sent me a letter saying he had a rifle and talked about going out and hunting people. It was pretty scary – both the handwriting and the content. I had thought he was OK, but couldn’t tell if he was joking. My mother was in contact with him, so I sent the letter to her and asked for her advice. She called him and asked about it. I don’t know how that discussion went down, but he wrote me a blistering letter, accusing me of betrayal and writing me out of his life. Two months later, he shot himself with that rifle in a motel room. I’ve carried this terrible guilt ever since. I know he made that awful decision, but I feel like I played a significant role in it. After years I still don’t know how to handle it, and he haunts me daily.

A. When you love someone and something bad happens to them, you always wonder if you could have done more. Many people have feelings of guilt. The more serious the outcome for the loved one, the more guilt that is felt. Feeling guilty is not the same as being guilty.

Being suicidal is a sign of a serious mental illness. Committing suicide is the ultimate act of self-destruction. Suicidal individuals are always admitted to hospitals. Most individuals with mental illnesses are not admitted to hospitals. Only those with the most serious of mental illnesses are admitted to hospitals. I mention this to put into perspective the severity of your brother’s mental illness. The vast majority of therapists work outside of a hospital environment. None of those therapists would consider attempting to help someone who was suicidal outside of a hospital environment. A highly educated, well credentialed therapist would not believe that his or her skilled words and insights would be enough to stop a suicidal client. Even with their extensive education and experience, therapists would not believe in their ability to prevent a client from committing suicide. All therapists would attempt to have their client admitted to a hospital.

For a layperson, the ability to help a suicidal friend or family member is almost non-existent. Yes, you love them more than anyone else, but what skill do you have as a therapist? You love them more than their therapist but you simply lack the education and training necessary to deal with their problem.

You would never think of performing surgery on a loved one, not because you don’t love them sufficiently but because you simply lack the ability and experience of a surgeon. It’s obvious to most people that without the skill and knowledge of a surgeon it would be foolish and perhaps deadly to perform surgery on someone you love.

Without the many years of education and experience, it would be just as foolish to attempt to do counseling with someone you love. I often tell my clients, who are experiencing the thoughts and feelings that you have right now, that it is far better to feel that perhaps you did not do enough than to know that your words and attempts to help a loved one actually resulted in their suicide. Yes, it is possible to make a mistake during surgery that will result in someone’s death — and it is equally possible to make a mistake in therapy that will result in someone’s suicide.

Every surgeon does his best and every therapist does likewise. I think it is best to realize our limitations. We have a limit as to our skills in any particular area. No matter how much we love someone and want to help them, our skill limits are not increased.

When I have a client ask me about a friend of theirs or family member who is having a mental problem and what they can do for them, I always tell them to encourage them to go into therapy. If you have read this column you have read many letters from readers who talk about the immense difficulty they are having trying to get a mother, father, son, etc., into therapy. My response to them is to acknowledge that often no amount of effort on their part is enough to achieve their desired result.

The question for you is did you do enough? My answer to you, is how much more of consequence could you have done? You did not ignore your brother. With concern you brought his letter to his mother, as you should have. The result was that your brother became enraged at you and then shut you out. I think this shows the complexity of the situation and your brother’s mental illness. Suicide and the mental state that leads to it are amazingly complex.

Please remember one last thing: Very skilled and competent therapists have close family members who have committed suicide. Even with all of their ability and skill, and the immense love they possess, it was not enough to change the outcome.

I hope that you will consider talking about this issue with a therapist or a support group. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

I just finished my first semester at a major university in New York City. I failed miserably and I know it was my fault. It was a mix of laziness, ADD and depression. I have been dealing with depression since I was 13 (18 now). I have never felt pretty, smart, or worth anything.
Everything has worsened after I got dismissed from college. I’m confused about what to do next. It is too late to register at a community college for Spring Semester and I at a standstill. I cry every night and I HATE myself so much. I dont know if I am ever going to be something in life .
I also have to write an appeal to my academic dismissal. I want to explain that I can do better if allowed to stay. Should I do it, what are the chances that the university would let me stay?
I really need help. I have hit rock bottom.

A: I don’t know if an appeal will get you back in. It’s always worth a try — IF that’s what you really think you should do. Sometimes people “fail” as a way to tell themselves that they aren’t really ready to do something. It’s too bad it’s termed a “failure” when it could be termed a realization.

It sounds to me like you have some serious personal work to do before you are ready to take on the challenges of a college education. Unless you do something about the depression and ADD, it’s not likely that another semester would go any differently. I think it’s Einstein who is quoted as saying that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

You didn’t mention if you have been getting treatment for your mental health issues. Sitting in your room isn’t going to change things. Hating yourself definitely isn’t going to make things better. It’s time to get busy doing the things that will make a difference. That means seeing a mental health professional for an evaluation and to discuss a treatment plan. You may need some medication to help ease the depression. You certainly need some talk therapy to learn how to manage the depression and to learn skills to compensate for the ADD.

It also means finding a job that gives you enough money to live but that leaves you with enough energy every day to spend time taking care of yourself. And it means seriously disciplining yourself to eat right, get some exercise every day, and to get enough sleep.

In short, rather than beating yourself up for what you didn’t do at university, put yourself fully into the school of life for awhile. Once you have the depression under control and have reliable ways to manage the ADD, you’ll be able to succeed in school and in life.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

Hi, I have been dealing with depression, anxiety, and eating issues since I was in grade school, but I always maintained a normal body weight. I finally sought treatment for depression in college, and have been taking anti-depressants (effexor) for the past 3 years. It took a long time to find a medication that helped, and all of them reduced my appetite. Finally, I have been diagnosed with EDNOS this year after losing 32 lbs in 3 months by restricting and exercising excessively. I recently read that anorexia can be caused by high serotonin levels, and starving helps regulate this. But I also read that anti-depressants increase serotonin levels… Could the anti-depressants have caused my eating problems, in my body’s attempts to regulate itself?

Thanks for your help.

A. I cannot say with certainty whether antidepressants are the cause of your eating disorder. Having said that, it does not seem as though medication is to blame. You stated in your letter that you have lost 32 pounds in three months “by restricting and exercising excessively.” Medication may be a factor but diet restriction and excessive exercise are likely the reasons for your significant weight loss, and thus your eating disorder.

I would suggest discussing this matter with your prescribing physician. There may be more information about your situation that was not provided in your letter that would lead to a different conclusion. It is important to explore all the possibilities as to why you have developed an eating disorder. Eating disorders are very serious. They have the highest mortality rate of all mental health disorders. Nothing is more important than assessing why the eating disorder has developed and receiving treatment. The sooner that you begin treatment, the sooner the eating disorder can be eliminated from your life. I wish you the best of luck. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

Every time my girlfriend and I have sex I just cant orgasm. and I don’t really mind but I care because she’s really really hurt and I often find her crying about it and I don’t want to hurt her. I am on Prozac, I don’t know if that affects anything at all.

A: I appreciate the fact that you are sensitive to your girlfriend and want to fix this. It sounds to me like you need to have a discussion with your medical doctor about this. Sometimes antidepressants like Prozac can have side effects, and sometimes the depression they are used to treat can be the culprit. In any case start I would start with a discussion with your physician.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

Ok, so I have been in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend for 5 years. This year I gave up my job to move to be with him for six months, I won’t go into details but whilst I was there I went into his facebook account as I was having sneaky suspicions that he was contacting other girls and found evidence to prove my predictions right.

I was distraught of course and in finding this I confronted him with the evidence in hand. My boyfriend turned the conversation to focus on the fact that I had been going through his online accounts and then refused to listen to anything I said then walked out. It eventually petered out and I forgave him but he never fully apologized or gave me any explanations/reasoning of his behaviour. This has made it very difficult for me to emotionally move past it and obviously I now have major trust issues with him.

I know he loves me but it is getting so difficult dealing with this. I can’t talk to him about our problems, even if he is wrong, and he is even caught in the act he will not talk about it. How can I learn to communicate with him and make him see sense that he is wrong.

A: I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this, and yet the truth is it is better that you are seeing this now than if you were married.

Your boyfriend seems to have a sense of entitlement that does not bode well for the relationship. The fact that he cannot own up to his wrongdoing and is focused on your behavior rather than trying to mend the relationship and take some responsibility means he either isn’t interested or isn’t ready to have a healthy relationship.

I suggest you have a meaningful discussion with him about the fact that his behavior was hurtful and that you need him to understand that. If he can, then the relationship may be worth pursuing. If he can’t it may be time to move on.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

I’m a male, 23 years old, and I suffered from anorexia nervosa for over 6 years. I recovered at 21 years old without any professional or family help and it wasn’t until i was 22 that i told family and friends that i once had the disorder. They were both angry and not surprised.

I’m terrified of what my life turned into during that stage in life. I became so completely consumed with by the disorder, enveloping myself with these figments of imaginary fat on my body while I completely forgot to grow up, to be responsible, to be social. I’m only now graduating college. I went part time through much of my college career due to health issues or cancellation of courses by the university.

I feel like a huge part of me froze, the part that was to develop into this young man. Instead, after recovering, i see how stunted I am. Physically I look 18, emotionally I am not ready for any kind of relationship, I just recently learned to drive, and have yet to begin my career. I feel like anorexia took a huge chunk of my life that i can’t even remember.

I work, have a large circle of friends, currently finishing up my final semester at the university, doing multiple internships, and trying so hard not to feel hatred for what I’ve become. I have this intense need to play “catch up” with my life, to be the perfect whatever, to make up for lost time. And to always remember not to overdo it with the dieting.

I’ve been taking initiative these past 2 years but…at 23 years old I already feel like I lost my youth.

A. It is an insightful observation that your emotional and psychological growth may have been stunted by your eating disorder. The unfortunate results of that observation, however, are your feelings of self-hatred. Those are difficult feelings to live with. Because of your unhappiness, I would recommend counseling.

Many people enter counseling when they are unhappy with their lives. To find the best therapist, begin the process by calling at least five to 10. Be detailed about what specifically you would like help with. Ask them about the type of treatment they would offer. You may feel a connection to one or several of therapists on the phone. Choose several promising therapists and visit them in person. Continue this process until you find a therapist with whom you feel the most comfortable. That process should help you find your best match.

Once you begin therapy, you should quickly begin to feel progress, though it may be slight. You should feel a little better after each session. Each session should leave you with something to think about. Therapy is not always an easy process but it is worth the effort.

I also want to congratulate you on overcoming a very serious mental health condition. I’m sure that was not easy and your story is an inspiration to others. You should be proud of your major life achievement. It would be a mistake to minimize that successful aspect of your life. I wish you the best. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

I have lived with depression/social anxiety and selective-mutism for the past 4-5 years. I recently had my sister express her concern for my mental health. She begged me to seek help.

I engage in cutting, overdosing, starvation. I have cut since the age of 14 and have never stopped, going so far as to cut my vein and be sent to hospital. I want death. In fact I dwell on suicidal thoughts 70% of the time and have tried many times to end my life.

I have people that I talk to, that only exist in my mind. To me they are very real. They are my friends. I have 6; Ana, Camilla, Everette, Dustin, Peachy and Court. Each emerged at times of great sadness, anger or happiness over a 5 year period. I can’t make them leave me alone. I don’t control them. They help me when I am sad. Camilla isn’t very nice though and would properly try to hurt me if I let her.

I miss parts of my day and never can remember what I did. I am forgetful and will forget a conversation minutes after having one.

I feel that I have another person with me. And that sometimes that person will take charge of my emotions. When this happens I am not myself. I feel trapped in a body that is not my own. I want to leave it, so I harm it. I take pictures of my wounds, and keep them for months after.

I am a recluse and rarely leave the house 1 day out of two months. I don’t have any desire to. I also live in my head all day. I don’t talk to my family. I imagine people around me and I talk to them in my head and work out my emotions that way.

My family is taking me to see the doctor Monday. I don’t feel I am sick, but I understand enough to know that they are scared, and I will do what it takes to make them feel happy. Please tell me if going to see professionals would be wise?

A. To answer your question directly: Yes, it would be wise to see a professional. You are experiencing serious symptoms and have been for many years. Professional help can assist you in decreasing your symptoms and improving your life.

Your family is worried that you have schizophrenia, but that may not be the case. Though I cannot provide a diagnosis over the Internet, your symptoms seem more characteristic of dissociative identity disorder (DID) than schizophrenia. The specific symptoms that I am referring to include: memory loss, your description of feeling trapped in a body that is foreign to you, your awareness of other personalities that are dissimilar to your own, and the fact that some of your behavior seems to be outside of your control.

Other concerns about your situation include your tendency to be isolative, your history of suicide attempts and the fact that you spend 70 percent of your time contemplating suicide. All the aforementioned concerns significantly increase your risk for suicide. Under no circumstances is suicide the correct choice. In addition your family, who obviously loves and cares about you, would be devastated if something were to happen to you. For those reasons, it is imperative that you do what your family is suggesting and meet a mental health professional.

For many people, the thought of getting help is frightening. That comes from not knowing what to expect. Fear is understandable; however, please know that you have nothing to be frightened of. Mental health professionals are trained to assist their clients in solving their problems. They sincerely want to help you. Their ultimate goal is to improve the quality of your life.

Listen to your family. They are doing the right thing. You are blessed to have such a caring and loving family. I hope that you will attend the appointment and get the help that you deserve. I wish you well. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

I have a group of fantastic friends, and a guy who I really like and he likes me. My parents won’t let me date. They think that this guy is a horrible influence, a manipulative monster and a cruel person. They think this because of a prank he pulled that really hurt me. He is bipolar and suffers from a lot of depression, he also has a hard time dealing with the past. We have this in common really and I really like him. He is one of the few people I feel safe around and I don’t understand why. When I will be able to date him, I want too but I doubt my parents will let me. Why won’t they listen to the fact he is a fantastic guy and a great person?

A: It can be very difficult for someone to want to be together with someone only to have that connection blocked. At 14 it is difficult to balance your desire with the fact that your parents are looking our for your best interests.

My biggest concern here is the fact that this person, this fantastic guy, planned a prank that was very hurtful to you. This isn’t okay under any circumstances. No parent would want their daughter to spend time with a guy who deliberately planned a prank that became hurtful.

Don’t confuse feeling safe with feeling familiar. The work here isn’t to get your parents to realize what a fantastic guy he is, but rather for this great person to work on letting your parents know he is sincerely apologetic for having hurt you. Unless he talks to your parents directly — unless he is able to learn and aplologize for his actions — your parents will see your desire for him as misguided. If he can’t take responsibility for the harm he has done, he isn’t going to be a good choice.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral