I might be suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder, but I don’t know. It might be Bipolar Disorder as well. I have a lot of mood swings, that can last a week at least, and sometimes a month. My moods varies between depression/anxiety with extreme suicidal thoughts and self-harm tendencies and “normal” episodes when I’m mildly happy and enthusiastic, but some other days I can be normal, not really depressed nor euphoric or something, but it generally doesn’t last much. The other day I may wake up depressed as well as enthusiastic and full of hope. It’s not stable at all.
You may say that I have the typical signs of a Bipolar Disorder, but my mood swings doesn’t last much you know, I mean today I’m happy the next day I’m sad and life goes on. My happy moments are usually alternated by sad moments when I feel like crap or when I’m extremely irritable and nervous. They say that Bipolar disorder usually works through episodes that last from 6 months to a year, literally, and that’s what makes me quite suspicious.

I looked through Wikipedia and social forums for Borderline personality disorder and it appears to be that I have many symptoms of the illness, including fear of abandonment, chronic feelings of emptiness, impulsivity, risky habits (alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, sex, wasting money) rage and anger.
I also have dissociative syndrome where I don’t know who I am anymore, I feel as if I’m getting out of my body, I sometimes feel very distant, too. Like a ghost. Like I’m not sure if I’m actually HERE or not, ALIVE or not. It’s really stressful. I also confuse my dreams with reality and have paranoid tendencies.

A: Of course it would not be possible to make an accurate diagnosis via an email query, but I am glad that you are taking the time to ask about your well-being. I can understand the concern and think getting a professional—a psychiatrist or psychologist –to help you sort through the symptoms would be a very good idea. The find help tab at the top can be of help in locating someone in your area.

But I would also want you to be aware of your strengths. You have listed the symptoms that trouble you and the possible diagnoses, but what are the strengths you have that have given you the resilience to cope and to seek answers to help you heal? While you are looking for a label for the condition I would also invite you to look at your strengths. Here is a link to the VIA character strengths survey which is free and can help you identify these features in your life.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

Ever since I was little (5-6) I’ve been stealing (little things, not expensive or important), lying, and acting impulsively. I’ve gotten into trouble at home, at work, at school, and even with the law for different things. But somehow, I’m never remorseful or feel guilty about it. I still feel compassion and love towards others. I don’t feel as if I’m selfish. I notice I manipulate and do/say things for attention. I’ve been diagnosed with depression and anxiety in the past, though I’m no longer medicated for it. I still feel anxious very often. Another thing is that I’ve always masturbated and been mildly obsessed with sex from a very young age. I don’t believe I was molested ever, and I had a very normal, loving upbringing. I’m really worried about my health. Please help.

A: Before you come to the conclusion that you are struggling with such powerful diagnoses let’s take a moment to look at some other things that your email points out. In spite of everything you have mentioned you have compassion and love for others and the background information you provided us says that you are 18 and employed. You have a choice about how to size this up. We can view the things you’re concerned about as a way to identify you—or we can see them as elements that are folded in with someone who cares for others and works hard at a young age.

The fact that you are concerned about these things is in and of itself a very good sign. The part of you that would like to understand how to feel better is looking for answers. That is a very healthy part. It is looking for a correction.

I would start looking for a therapist to start working with to unravel the history of these feelings and reactions. The find help tab at the top of the page can help you locate someone in your area. My hope is for you to begin focusing on what is right with you as you figure out how to make the changes you want.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

So I really just want answers and I don’t know where to go; I’m 17 and self-harm. This entire summer I was pretty much depressed because of a breakup that happened in January; it was sometime in June I started. I don’t cut deep and they go away after about a week, so I don’t feel it’s a real problem or issue. I only cut now late at night when negative emotions trigger from random thoughts. No one knows I do this and I would be devastated if anyone ever found out. I feel I can handle this on my own, but should I seek help or talk to someone? I’m not particularly close to anyone though, and I especially don’t want to tell my family…

A: Thank you for writing. I think the fact that you have the question gives us the answer. It is bothering you that you do this and this is something that is best helped by you talking with others. Since you are still in high school I would talk to your guidance counselor there. He or she will help you sort this through. Any time you are doing something to hurt yourself and feel you have to keep it a secret it is time to talk to someone about what is going on.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

I don’t know how I feel; my feelings and actions are confusing to me. Okay. So this is probably going to be long and confusing for everyone reading this. I have a hard time expressing my feelings, and maybe it’s genetic because apparently my mother is the same way. My family has never been terribly close, and I have lived out if home with my boyfriend for a year or so before (I like to he independent), although I’m back home now. Here are some characteristics that I know about myself, I’m kind of a tom boy, I’ve always gotten along better with boys than girls, I feel I have to be the strong one, and don’t want to show my feelings in front of other people, I also do not like being the center of attention. I have very poor concentration and memory (possibly due to ADD but the symptoms only appeared a few years back); I have little memory before the age of 7. And up until junior high I don’t have very clear memories but I can remember things if people say something that reminds me, very different from memories of when I was younger where I don’t recall major things. I don’t think I had a bad childhood that could have affected me, even when I think about the worst parts I don’t really care, (divorced parents, little money, unhealthy father, abusive mother, sexually abused by brother(s)? not sure if more than one, I even watched my friends father die (heart attack) and it didn’t phase me. kind of sounds like bragging huh.). Every once in a while, it seems things just build up, although I’m not sure what things, and I have a bit of a breakdown. I used to cut (more of for something to do and attention, although I didn’t let anyone find out) and feel suicidal just because I didn’t feel that there was anything for me to do in this world, I felt what was the point of growing up if you’re just going to work for so many years doing the same thing over and over, and then die. Sometimes I still feel this way, like life is pointless. I do enjoy drinking and prescription pills just because it is something to do that makes me happy, and makes my day less dull. I have an extremely hard time interpreting my feelings, I don’t know if I’m happy or depressed or confused, I know I have a bit of anxiety I inherited from my father, I have been on pills for it, and I liked that they made me feel numb which made me happier but I drank almost everyday. I didn’t want to stop the pills because it was a different kind of drunk but I had to because you aren’t supposed to mix them and I ended up in the hospital after a while. Sometimes I get into this sort of numb mood where I can just zoom through my days and not remember much without someone reminding me or thinking really hard about it, it’s usually when I’m down. Sometimes I don’t want to talk to anyone, and other times I want to be around everyone. I feel like I’m masking my happiness whenever I’m around people, maybe part of staying strong. Also, I’ve been to a therapist before I got anxiety pills, and I really wanted to talk but I couldn’t get myself to speak truthfully because I don’t like the idea of talking to someone who is paid for it and really doesn’t care about you as a person, it’s just their job. I have never talked to any of my close friends about these things because they come to me with their problems looking for advice, and I don’t want to burden them with my problems. The situation is the same for this one teacher who always looked out for me, and kind of knows how my life really is, and I always wanted to open to him about everything, but I can’t bring myself to make my problem his problem too. Anyways, I don’t even know what my problem is yet. I really hope people don’t just ignore this question, I don’t know what is wrong, but I can never seem to think as clearly as everyone else can, every one seems to he able to do things so much easier than I can. One last thing, hopefully I don’t remember anything else, I’ve noticed in my relationships at the beginning everything is wonderful, I want to be with them and be affectionate, but then suddenly, not gradually, my feelings change, and everything about them bothers me, and I turn into a bitch and pick them apart constantly. I don’t want them to touch me or kiss me anymore; I don’t want to be around them at all. And then the relationship usually ends. One last thing, I have constant migraines or headaches everyday that the doctor said are tension headaches? That(s everything I can remember for now that I’m confused about. I’ll add more if I think of it. I just want to understand my own feelings.

A: Whew! It sounds like you have been doing a lot of thinking! I wouldn’t pretend to be able to respond adequately to all of what you are putting forward—but I do see a place where I think we could make some progress. That is your comment about the therapist who “really doesn’t care about you as a person, it’s just their job.”

Therapists choose their profession because they do care about people and know how to help. You saying that you don’t want to go because you believe the therapist doesn’t care about people probably comes from the fact that in your family the people who were supposed to care for you properly failed at their job. You think the therapist won’t care enough either.

My very strong suggestion is to give therapy another chance. Just do it for you—help yourself feel better by talking to someone who is trained to help. He or she is likely to do a far better job caring for you than you have said your family has done.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

First, I would like to explain that I am a Psych major and have been in counseling for years for PTSD and now ADD, among other issues. I believe this person I will describe does have BPD, but I’m not a professional and can’t diagnose.

MY RELATIONSHIP WITH HER
Her boyfriend left her to date my ex, which led to us talking. We both attached quickly, started having sex, and two months in started dating others at her insistence. I told her I loved her, but she only “liked me a lot” and three weeks later she broke up with me. During this time, I was reading a book on ADD and caught a section about BPD, and thought “wow, that’s her”. We didn’t talk for nearly three months, then she comes back to school where I am. Since then, we’ve been having sex and seeing each other almost daily. While being “just friends” I have learned much more about her personality, and strongly believe she has BPD.

BEHAVIOR
She very quickly attaches herself to new people. She hates to be alone, and sleep alone – she sometimes sleeps with a particular stuffed animal. Also shows signs of anxiety when around unfamiliar groups. She is prone to mood swings, and seems to almost have multiple personalities. She was neglected by both parents, and shows ambivalent attachment qualities. She smokes marijuana daily, shoplifts, and has unsafe sex. She was a cutter, history of depression. She “hates herself”, and sees herself as ugly despite being very attractive. She has medical problems, including possibly never being able to have children. Lies and keeps secrets almost effortlessly.

RELATIONSHIPS
She was date raped as a teenager. Physically abused by another ex boyfriend. She has a hard time letting go of ex boyfriends (including myself) insisting on remaining friends with them. She quickly attaches herself to new people, seemingly having a new “best friend” every few months.

To me, it seems clear that she may have BPD, but I could be wrong. How can I best approach her to get her considering treatment?

A: While I admire your desire to help I am also aware that there are too many possibilities to consider when trying to diagnose a person. The list of symptoms and issues listed here could be a variety or combination of concerns. The question I would have is: “Why are you in this relationship”? Why do you want to be with a person with so many issues? Why do you “love” a person who only says she “likes you a lot”?

Since you are both in college I would encourage you to go to the counseling department together and ask to have a couples session. The therapist can then see and ask questions that would be helpful to the relationship, and if your friend needs help they can make the recommendation.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

I have a problem with my wife (Age 30) and I have reached a point where I do not know how I should deal with her.

We have been married for over 10 years with 4 kids, all under 10.

She has a very unpredictable/random personality to the point that you can never guess how her reaction. One minute she is the nicest person on earth and within seconds she turns into a different person, and sometimes for no obvious reason what so ever.

We have not been talking now for 4 days. And this last episode started as follows:
She asked kids to go and have cereal. While in kitchen kids dropped something. She grabbed her hair in terror and wanted to start shouting, but very quickly and before she had the chance I said, it is ok calm down… you asked them to prepare their own breakfast and you would expect that something like this to happen, it is ok. And this was all I said. This was enough to start a debate bringing all the problem we ever encountered since we met (12 years ago). Most of these issues are brought up every now and then by her. It does not matter whether we discussed them a million times before or not. She still has to bring them up. I have been unable to settle any discussion or topic of disagreement with her for good ever. She only remembers her version of a story, taken out of context and highly exaggerated in her mind. As an example we are discussing a particular issue, I say something like is this a new shoes, her response would be it is not expensive. My reponse would be I am not asking about it is price, I am asking if it is new. She always trys to be one step ahead and based on what she thinks the purpose of your query she will respond, even though you may not have meant what she assumed. Sometimes she acts like a 10 year old child, at others she is mature and reasonable, then she is absolutely opposite. For example she claims she is not jealous and gets upset if I say she is, yet she will go mad if a girl looks at me or I look at one, however it is not immediate, i.e. she would leave it for a few days/weeks, before she talks about it. She would tell me my mother is nice and good today, and tomorrow she becomes a monster. My sister is nice and ok today, but tomorrow she is not. The same with all her friends. If I try to show her an alternative point of view I will be accused of defending them and have a huge argument with her.If I say thats it I can not take it anymore we should split, her response would be I will take the kids…Her response is as if we agreed, while my statement was out of frustration. This is only a small summary of what I have to go through on a regular bases.
Thanks

A: I am so sorry you have to deal with this difficulty with your wife. It can be one of the most frustrating things to watch the person you love experience radical changes in her life that affect you. Of course it is too difficult to know for sure, but it does sound like this should first be checked out by a physician. The radical nature and unpredictability of this lends itself to a medical review first and foremost. My strong suggestion is to ask her to go for an examination with her general practitioner and offer to go with her for support. Approaching this as a condition she is having symptoms with is a good way to begin before trying to investigate the possible psychological underpinnings.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

I don’t know what’s wrong with me, from the age or 12 I have been unhappy, I was bullied as a child and have had weight issues all my life. But I don’t blame that, I just don’t know what’s wrong with me! I have had suicidal thoughts since I was 13, I have attempted a few times and self harmed since I was 13. I have mood swings where one minute I’m happy and the next I just don’t feel like living, the unhappy moods are so much more frequent. I have been in a relationship for the past 3 years and 7 months. I love him more than anything, when we were dirt together I was so happy! But in the past year and a half I’ve been just so unhappy. My boyfriend means well and I know he loves me, but I’m always worried and anxious he’s going to leave me. I don’t know how to explain really in so many little words. Basically I always feel unhappy I could say depressed, coz I have suicidal thoughts, self-harming is the only way I feel like I can release my anger. I have tried stopping for my boyfriend but I’ve had a few hiccups, I know he hates it. I’m always anxious about everything, my family, boyfriend. Mainly friends and boyfriend. I just need help because I feel like I’m falling apart. I don’t have anything to be unhappy about, really. I don’t know if I need professional help. I’ve tried speaking to a doctor befOre but she wanted to tell my parents and I was only 15 at the time and I didn’t want to put more pain on them than I already had, ( my mum is disabled and she will live past age 60) and I love my parents more than anything. Im having a crap time with my boyforend ATM but I can’t seem to let him go even though he doesn’t treat me how I want to be treated. Please can you help me. I don’t want to seem like a whinny teenager because I know there are people out there with so much worse problems than mine, Im probably wasting your time, just if you have 2 mins to spear, please help me.

A: I have more than two minutes. You deserve more. The problems you are describing come with a struggle that builds resilience. The fact that you have been coping with all of this for such a period of time is a testimony to your deep strength and desire for well-being. So let’s get someone to help you with all of this. Go back to the physician. You are older now and you can have a more frank discussion. Getting your mother involved may not be the worst thing in the world. Sometimes helping others is the best thing we can do for ourselves. Your mom might deeply appreciate the opportunity to help you. Give the physician and your mom a chance to do something to help. As I said in the beginning—you are worth it.

Not everything gets better overnight, but things can get better with the right people to support us. The first thing is to help you feel safe and to help you stop hurting yourself. You need to be on the same team as your helpers.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

I was diagnosed at the age of 16 with Borderline personality disorder and PTSD. I have always struggled with addiction and self injury. I am all over the map and have two doctors telling me different things and I’m not sure where to go. one believes I have depression on top of my other disorders and has put me on medication since I was about 14 years old. I started a DBT program for people with BPD in April and my doctor there doesn’t agree with my other doctor who has known me for years. I suffer from hallucinations, flashbacks, nightmares, anxiety, suicidal thoughts/attempts and mood swings. is medication right for me? I am currently on 3 medications but they do not work anymore causing me to over use. two weeks ago I was in the hospital and taken off all my medication and had an even harder time coping. how do I know what is really going on with me? I’ve been trying for over a year to get clean and mentally stable but am unable to get well. my thoughts are always racing and I’m not sure what to do anymore. I need help but feel as though my doctors don’t understand and I am being miss diagnosed. I feel I am falling further down and am scared. What would be the best step for me? how can I best deal with my negative thoughts? I have been unable to work since March of this year due to my mental health.

A: First let me say how much I admire your courage and resilience in dealing with this condition and process of treatment. I wish I had an easy answer to all of what you are experiencing, but what I do have is a thought about how to approach this. With so much going on and so many conflicting opinions I would talk to each of your providers about finding a residential treatment facility for a period of time to get everything sorted out. Good facilities with experienced professional exist and you can involve your healthcare professionals in determining if a facility could be helpful, and if so for how long.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

hi, i was recently diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, as a result of childhood abuse, i really dont know where to go for help ive searched and searched and there is nothing where i live, i have been in hospital b4 many times for self harm, attempted suicide and suicidal thoughts, i am on no medication because i try to take overdoses, i just dont know where to turn anymore, i just know i cant do this on my own anymore. Please help.

A. I am sorry that you are suffering. You have been in the hospital several times. Typically, after a hospital stay, the hospital staff will arrange a followup appointment for clients at a local mental health clinic. I am curious about whether you were provided with an aftercare plan. If not, I would suggest contacting the hospital staff and asking them to assist you in finding a mental health professional for outpatient treatment. That would likely be the most efficient way to access treatment at this time.

While speaking with the hospital staff, inquire about all the possible treatment options in your community. You stated that there is “no help” but there may be treatment services of which you are unaware. It is certainly worth your time and effort to call the hospital staff.

When you say that “nothing” is available, perhaps you mean there are no services that you are willing to try. In that case, you should again review what mental health services are available in your community.

Another suggestion is to contact the local university to determine if there are psychological studies available for participation. Universities often have clinical trials in which they need participants. As part of a study, you may be exposed to cutting-edge treatments which could be of tremendous benefit. Some researchers will compensate you for your participation.

Finally, you should also call the local health department. Staff at local health departments are often aware of community mental health services and may be able to provide you with a referral. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

Well I’m 19, but I don’t feel 19. I have so many things going on in my life that it’s hard to keep up with everything. I’m a full time worker, a full time student and a part time gym rat. I’m also in a relationship. There is no time in the day for me to do anything and everything I do always feels rushed. Even though I’m interacting with my coworkers, friends, or girlfriend during the day, I feel empty and numb to it all, like everything is just an act. As far as feelings go, like I said, I’m numb. I feel as if my best friend or mother could die and I wouldn’t care, and I feel as though to a certain extent that I don’t care even for my girlfriend. But on the flip side, I don’t want to be alone. It scares me to think that me and my girlfriend would breakup. I laugh and joke but don’t know why I do.
I really want to know what’s wrong with me because I was never like this before. Or if I was, it was deep down and is now just surfacing and I can’t handle it. I WANT TO BE HAPPY AGAIN.

A: There are normal ups and downs that come along with adolescence, such as mood swings and hormonal changes. But what you’re describing sounds like a lot more than that. Please watch the video below for my complete response.

Take Good Care of Yourself,

Julie Hanks, LCSW

I’m at a loss for what to do as its ruining my life. For about 2 years now I have been totally head over heels over one of my brothers friends. Nearly every one I know tells me that we make a good couple, even his own mother! I have been trying so hard to impress and make him notice me and I push myself to great extents to make him happy and I have based life decisions on what I thought he would think of me. Unfortunately, he has just treated me like I don’t exist. He has never even trated me like a friend or an equal. He ignores me and acts like im nothing in his eyes. But then again he also acts like there is a great chance of us being together and he makes out that he likes me back and I get really confused. I have BPD so I think that’s contributing to my heart ache. My legs are covered in scars thanks to him, yet I always want to be around him. Sometimes I feel such hatred for him that I could quite happily wring his neck but the next minute I’m drowning in despair over why he won’t love me like I do him. I put so much effort in for no return and it’s killing me. I don’t know why I can’t just forget about him. My thoughts are always riddled with what is wrong with me? I question self worth and I loath my self because I’m not good enough. I don’t know what to do anymore, this whole thing is ruining me.

A. Being “head over heels” in love can blind you to the many possible negative attributes of your love interest. In your case, you would like to develop a relationship with a particular person but he may not be interested. I’m also concerned about the intensity of your feelings for this individual. As you stated, “it is killing you, literally.”

It seems as though your life has revolved around this individual despite believing that he is not interested in a relationship. Your blinded devotion has led you to essentially mold your life around his, which has caused you significant physical and psychological pain. From a psychological perspective, this is not healthy.

I would strongly recommend counseling. It is important that you focus on developing a healthy sense of self-esteem. A lack of self-esteem is in all likelihood contributing to your unhealthy attachment to this individual.

You also mentioned that you have BPD which may mean that you have bipolar disorder or borderline personality disorder. In either case your symptoms, if not well controlled, may be contributing to this problem.

I’m also recommending counseling for two other reasons: this problem is significantly interfering with your happiness and you are engaging in self-harm. Self-harm is a sign that someone lacks the ability to solve problems in a psychologically healthy way. I hope that you’re able get the help that you deserve. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

I am a 56 year-old female. I have been in psychotherapy with a psychiatrist for over 10 years. I have battled depression, anxiety, and have some borderline personality disorder traits. I am so dependent on the relationship with my therapist that I sometimes “create” issues to justify my need for appointments. My attachment is almost painful. I would like to see him daily but of course that is not possible. I have talked to him about this problem a little bit, but am afraid to mention it again for fear of him abandoning me, like so many other men in my life. I don’t see myself as ever being able to terminate therapy. I feel as if I can’t live without seeing him even on the limited basis that I can.
Any suggestions for dealing with these feelings?

A: Of course you want treatment to go on forever. It sounds like this is a safe relationship in which to process your struggles and is unlike the abandoning relationships with so many other men in your life. I urge you, even though you are scared, to bring up your feelings to your psychiatrist so he can help you work through them. Watch the video below for my full answer…

Thanks so much for writing in. Take good care of yourself!

Julie Hanks, LCSW

I have had many deep rooted issues since birth… Whether it has been issues at home (i.e. Alcoholic parents & Grandparents), raised by Mother’s parents while my mother was binge drugging and drinking, consistency of serious health issues at a young age (heart surgery, ulcerative colitis, asthma), only stable “mother-figure”, my grandmother, died when I was a young age, emotionally and sometimes physically abusive parents, in group homes from 15/16 yrs old until 17, Father has bipolar disorder and my mother’s brother had successfully committed suicide almost 6 months ago which has taken it’s toll on me…
I could go on for days… Long story short, I have endured so many trials and tribulations, my step father often tells me I should write a book… Maybe I should.

I have attempted suicide several times, several years ago…But have had absolutely no desire for quite some time now. I have been diagnosed with major depression, then bipolar, then one doctor told me he believed I had ADHD and had been misdiagnosed…

My main question/concern at the moment is…
I am a very loving and compassionate person, but at times the smallest issue can set me off and i stay upset and argumentative. I have the most amazing and understanding boyfriend, the man I would love to marry one day, yet I am pushing him away every time I become upset, starting arguments over nothing. I am completely aware of it, but no matter how much I do not want it to happen, it does. It almost feels like a compulsion. I want nothing more in the world than to stop this behavior, but have no idea where to even begin. Also, this has been a problem with almost all of my relationships. [Side Note: My mother's youngest sister (who is just like a sister to me, and was still living with my grandparents when I was and also raised in a fighting household) had told me her therapist told her that she was trying to re-create the drama from her childhood, since that was the norm for us.Maybe that is true, maybe not.] Please help! Any advice would be deeply appreciated. I’d like to rectify this issue and move on with my life.
Thank you.

A:You may have many issues but you are also a survivor. You have come through so much, it’s a wonder that you can take the risk to love. Be proud of yourself for that. I’m thinking that past events may still be the core of things. Your are obviously an insightful and sensitive person but you grew up in an environment that was extremely unstable. People you loved and trusted kept leaving, through addictions, abandonment, and death. Even your own body wasn’t something your could trust. This kind of history is possibly the makings of a borderline personality disorder (BPD). You want love and closeness but it’s so very hard to trust it after so many years of uncertainty. You fear abandonment but expect it and sometimes create it just to get it over with.

If I’m right, there is good news. There is a well-researched and documented treatment for BPD called Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). I suggest you find a therapist who is trained in the method and ask for an evaluation. Even if you don’t meet the full criteria for BPD, you have enough of the symptoms that the model might help you settle down. You can learn more about it by just searching the web.

You have found the courage to love a man who loves you. I think you both deserve to get your old issues out of your relationship.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

I have been dating my boyfriend (age 31) on and off for almost 3 years. Most of the time we have a very loving, affectionate and deeply connected, positive relationship. However, several times a year we go through shorter periods of extremely rocky times that seem to be triggered by his stress level surrounding change or physical discomfort (ex: when he gets sick, when he broke his finger, when he considered switching jobs, etc.). Most of the time, his triggers are centered around things that would bring anyone & everyone extra stress that may affect their mood or disposition, but his behavior often escalates to an extreme level that most people do not see as an appropriate reaction to the situation. His anger becomes explosive, his OCD tendencies become extreme (he freaked out on me for not noticing cracker crumbs on the carpet & failing to pick them up immediately), he begins to find a way to blame everything “wrong” on me or generally put me down constantly for insignificant things (my stuffy nose from allergies is disgusting & I need to do something about it or else tell him how sorry I am he has to see my tissues on the bedside table) as well make me feel badly about my own negative personality traits that he would usually accept openly in the past & help me work to improve (my anxiety, tendency to be late, etc.). He will also criticize me constantly for not “being there” for him like he thinks I should or “taking care of him” well enough. This angry and hateful behavior can and often will quickly switch to him becoming overly affectionate, loving and needy, whenever he senses that I am at my breaking point during these bad periods of time. The worst part is, when I try to address it his irrational behavior when I feel safe to do so, because he is in one of his softer, more open moods, he switches back to “mean mode” and turns it on me to make me feel crazy or he acts like nothing happened at all and barely reacts to my attempt at a serious conversation unless it is in a joking/jovial manner.

Currently, we are in the midst of an extremely bad patch – the worst yet. I know this has been triggered by my accidental pregnancy & our subsequent decision to get married & have the baby. Obviously, this situation would stress anyone out, but when he is lucid he is so excited and cannot wait to start a family & claims he was going to propose to me soon anyway. He still expresses his joy over the baby & our future & swears he has no reservations, etc.- but he began taking out his stress & anger on an “imagined” financial strain due to our pending additional costs of having a child. I say, “imagined” because just like anyone having a baby, we have to make some financial changes, but we are very comfortable & able to financially manage all of this without too much problem. I have tried to be very understanding of his financial worries, imagined and/or real, but it seems he just wants to use this as a scapegoat (claiming he cannot marry me until I stop spending X amount on clothing, or I will be a bad mother if I cannot sacrifice what he deems to be “expensive” beauty products – all changes I am willing to make for his comfort level, but when I try to explain I cannot have him yelling at me for buying a pack of socks he freaks out even more).

His irrational reactions to stressful situations is the very reason we have ever been “off” in our relationship – I ended our relationship about a year ago for several months over similar circumstances & believe I would do the same thing for the last time now, if not for our unborn baby. I want to make this work more than anything now & I do still love him deeply, just not this part of him.

I have had several psychiatric professionals who are friends or family members suggest his symptoms sound like a personality disorder, maybe even specifically BPD. After reading a lot on the subject, I agree. However, I cannot force him to see this & get help as he is in major denial right now & truly believes I am the one who has gone insane. Any suggestions on how to get him the help he desperately needs?

A: Thank you for your detailed explanation of the situation. I think the current conditions may be favorable for a consult with a couples therapist. The fact that the two of you are on the threshold of becoming parents can usher in a need for future planning, not the least of which should be how to cope with the stress that comes with the care for a newborn. I would not push the agenda that he is the one with the issue, but rather identify that you are feeling it would be helpful for both of you to go in together to see someone. This will allow for three things: First it makes it a we, not a you, thing which is easier to negotiate; second, it promotes future planning rather than past errors; and finally it has the well-being of your new child at the core. The find help tab at the top of the page will guide you to someone in your area.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

I’m only 13 years old. I think I am bi-polar but I honestly don’t know whats wrong with me. My mom is a single parent,my dad died when I was only 6 months old. Anyways, I am always depressed and sad for no reason. I’m always arguing with my mom and my two brothers everyday. When I do I act so crazy I dont even understand why I do. Then I cut myself. Not with a knife,with my nails.

I want to stop and I want help but I feel like everyone is gonna look at me like I’m crazy,probraly am. I feel like my mom doesn’t know how I feel in the inside and I try to tell her all the time but she always says that I need to go to a mental hospital. But only if she knew how I really felt,I don’t think she would say that.

Sometimes I just want to run away and never come back and hope that everyone will just forget about me and go on with their life. I dont know what to do. I’m so young and I’m just so crazy. I hate myself and I cry all the time about it and just think to myself why cant I be a normal kid and why can’t anyone just understand me. I only have one small scar. When people look at me they must think I’m happy cause I act normal when I’m out in public and with my friends but really in the inside I’m just depressed and filled with emotions that I don’t know how to get rid of. I just want to be normal and wish that my family can just understand.

A: I’m so very glad you wrote. I’m sure it’s frustrating that you can’t get through to your mom. She may be thinking that this is normal 13-year-old girl emotionality. She may not want to believe that her little girl is in so much distress. On top of that, you act normal a good deal of the time so your mom and other people may think you’re just into drama.

I can’t make a diagnosis on the basis of a letter. For what it’s worth, I don’t think you’re crazy. You do need to see someone who can help you sort this out.

I suggest you start with your school guidance counselor or school nurse. They can often be helpful in talking to a parent so that a student gets services. Your family doctor can also help. At 13, it may be that you have a hormonal imbalance that is contributing to your up and down feelings as well. Please do get that checked out. If you are physically okay, the next step would be a mental health evaluation and perhaps some counseling to help you deal with your stormy emotions and the tension in your relationship with your mother. You are motivated to be “normal.” You’ll do well in counseling.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie