My 6-year-old daughter has become so contrary! Every answer to every question, (when there is an answer) is negative. She has huge tantrums at school when she feels she has been slighted in any way and becomes violent when reprimanded. She has been kicked out of two extracurricular activities due to her extreme behavior and is becoming isolated from her peers. I just don’t know what to do anymore. She has never been abused or neglected, and I have been as consistent as possible but it’s like she doesn’t care what happens to her at all. I am very worried about her. What is going on? How can I help her?

A: Thank you for writing. You are right to be worried. When there is a sudden change in behavior, it usually indicates that something is very wrong, either medically or psychologically.

It’s always important to check out the possibility of an undiagnosed medical problem so the first thing to do is to make appointment with the pediatrician. Another possibility is that she has been hurt by someone and is scared to tell you about it or doesn’t know how. You know she hasn’t been abused or neglected by you but are you sure that she hasn’t been hurt by someone else?

Rather than scold, correct or punish your daughter, I think you need to have a quiet and heartfelt talk with her. Explain that you are very, very worried about the change in the way she is acting. Tell her that sometimes when people don’t know what to say, they act out their problem. Is she angry about something? Afraid? Sad?

One useful question to ask is this: “How would things be different if you couldn’t have a tantrum?” Sometimes the answer to that question gives us insight into what is bothering a kid.

The key in this is to be as calm, caring, and supportive as you know how to be — no matter what she says. She is only 6. You are 35. You can keep your head even if she can’t keep hers. If she is negative, simply stay with her and ask what else she has to say. Reassure her that you love her and that you want to help.

Once you have more information, you may be able to figure out how to be more helpful to her. If not, I suggest you find a family therapist. You and her father, if he is in the picture, need to learn new ways to support, encourage, and help your daughter. It’s important to lay down a good foundation now so that the rest of her childhood and teen years are not filled with strife and stress.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

My boyfriend has an anger issue n I have been the victim for a long time. We both live together and he finds silly reasons to get angry on me or hit me even. He is mean in every way he can be but when I say I will him he apologizes and gives me fake promises. It’s really getting hard for me to take it but I cannot leave him as I feel pity on him, as he has no other family. I need help to cure his problem.

A: Thank you for being so courageous as to write us here at Psych Central. Many times when I get an email with a question there are two sides to consider and it is rare that I make direct suggestions someone should do to change. Your email prompts a very different response. You need to find a way to get out of the relationship as soon as possible.

I have considerable experience in working with angry men in domestic relationships. They are typically not motivated for change, promise they will treat their girlfriends better, but never do, and often escalate until there is a serious medical or legal problem. You deserve more than to be in a relationship out of pity, and he will not learn how unacceptable his behavior is until he loses someone he says he cares about. In other words, you staying allows him to remain unchallenged with his problem. It is time to go.

But do not go without support. Anger management issues with men often involve issues of control and jealousy. In your country you may want to get support from your family and church about how to go about getting out of the relationship. In general the men do not change until something drastic happens – like their girlfriend leaves them.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

I have come to the realization that I was raped at 12 or 13. Didn’t know up until about a year ago. I have been given a diagnosis of major depressive and borderline personality disorder. It affected the way I treated children, who are now adult. I am overwhelmed with feelings of guilt.

A: I am so sorry that you have had to learn about this event in your life. But this is the time to reach out for therapy. They have been many advances in the treatment of repressed memories and trauma. Please choose the ‘find help’ tab at the top of the page to locate a therapist who can be of help. The guilty feelings are understandable but what is most important right now is to find ways to relieve yourself of the burden of the reaction to this memory. There are some new treatments that may be helpful such as EMDR, which is specifically designed to help people who have had trauma in their lives.

Finally, I appreciate your courage and readiness here and hope your therapy will help you cope with the pain of these memories.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

My 8 year old adopted daughter has had 4 different therapists including neurotherapy. She has yet to have someone really diagnose or help us with exactly her problems. She was adopted at 2 years old and spent the first 2 years of her life being seriously neglected and abused.

Up to this point we have treated each behavior problem individually but recently my husband and I realized they are ALL connected. She exhibits a disconnected behavior from her mind/body. In that she doesn’t seem to care if she is uncomfortable or in pain. She urinates herself at night but also daily. She doesn’t seem to care and yesterday even walked around with feces in her panties. She will wear her pants backwards and will not tell an adult if she is hurt. She will not wipe her face or complain of bad smells. She would sit in the bath and burn herself if the water was too hot rather than complain or try to get out of the bath. She seems to have very little conscience when it comes to other people’s feelings.

One therapist diagnosed her with RAD and another with ADD. She is very manipulative and passive aggressive. My question is without knowing all the other details what type of mental disorder(s) would cause a mind/body disconnect? She seems to not feel pain physically or mentally. She can feel physical pain but does not react to it in a normal way. Please help!

A: How very, very sad. I agree that everything you are observing is connected. What concerns me beyond the lack of reaction to pain is the apparent regression to very primitive behavior.

It is indeed possible that she has reactive attachment disorder. When a child doesn’t have the nurturing and care they need when very little, the child doesn’t have a model for caring, for self-care and for socially normative behavior.

Unfortunately, it’s also possible that your daughter has another mental disorder. Autism, intellectual disability, childhood disintegrative disorder and childhood schizophrenia all include some of the symptoms you describe. That’s just to hazard a few guesses.

Without a clear diagnosis, therapy can’t be helpful. The therapist doesn’t know what should be treated. I urge you to take your daughter to a medical facility that specializes in childhood psychiatric problems. First, she should be thoroughly checked for any medical condition that may be contributing to her behavior. Then she needs to be screened by specialists in childhood psychiatry.

Having a chronically ill or mentally ill child is as stressful as it gets. I hope you and your husband are also getting help for yourselves. Ask your doctor for information about support groups for parents. Often other parents are the best source of information, support and practical help.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

I am engaged to the man of my dreams but his mother and I can’t seem to get along. Sometimes we are fine, but for the most part we are screaming and fighting with each other. She has a drug problem and steals from us a lot. She also has another son and treats him way better then my fiance and it bothers us big time! I try my hardest to reason with her and get along but it will be good for a day and then its right back to fighting, I want to get along but I am worn out and feel out of options! What can I do to stop this vicious cycle that’s putting a big strain on our relationship?

A: Why are you making this so complicated? Just drop your end of the fight. Don’t set her up to steal from you by having her anywhere near things worth stealing. Don’t respond to provocations. You can’t change her. You can’t make her love your guy as much as she loves his brother. You can’t make someone who is an addict and behaves like one want to clean up her act.

Talking, reasoning, screaming, and cajoling won’t work. You can’t reason someone out of unreasonable thinking. If she tries to pick a fight, all you need to say is something like, “I’m sorry you feel that way. I don’t agree so let’s move on.” If she persists, simply, quietly and calmly leave! Don’t give in to the temptation to start a fight by moralizing, preaching, begging her to be nice or scolding her. As you’ve pointed out, it discourages you both even further.

It’s the relationship with your fiance that is your first consideration. If he can’t back you up in staying out of the fights, you have another problem. I hope he learned long ago what I’m trying to tell you. It’s up to his mother to decide to change. He can’t do it for her. You can’t succeed any more than he can. Hopefully at some point she’ll understand that she is losing the chance to have a wonderful relationship with her son and new daughter-in-law and will get herself into treatment. Until that time comes, all you can do is lovingly and calmly detach from the whole thing.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

My 4 year old suffered neglect and abuse from birth to age 2.5. She has been in therapy for over a year. I am afraid she and her brother (6) have been programmed by therapy. My children are both very happy kids until therapy. For an hour before our in-home therapist came over, the kids were drawing very happy, family oriented drawings and artwork. As soon as the therapist got here, they started drawing sad faces and monsters… I wonder if they think they are expected to behave a certain way when the therapist is here… My 4 year old’s behavior following the out of home play therapist is completely out of control. She goes to therapy once per week. Following that therapist visit, she throws tantrums and has extremely defiant behavior for 3 to 4 days. Then for the rest of the week she is fine until therapy day comes around again. I wonder, if she is too young for therapy or if she is programmed to behave this way… (unintentionally of course) but it is just strange how it happens. Thank you so much.

A: Your astute observations are very important to bring to your in-home therapist. Any pattern of behavior for young children s important to note, and this is a good reflection to discuss. There can be many factors influencing this, but the key will be to have an open dialogue with the therapist as you experiment with different ways to help. We don’t want the process to be part of the problem.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

I have been married to my husband for 18 years this December. We have two beautiful sons together. My husband treats one son more favorably than the other. Both of our sons are biologically for him. He has cheated on me more times than I can count. He constantly makes what’s wrong our relationship my fault because in his word, “I like to keep the drama going!” His keeping the drama is when I ask him where he has been when he comes home, supposedly from the gym for the past 4 hours everyday. He calls me selfish when I ask him to stay home and spend time with the family. He says that I always want to keep him from doing what he wants to do. He works at night, he’s a police officer for the Department of Defense.

Could someone please tell me how to begin the process for a divorce? Mostly at this point, it was/is my fear that keeps me from making the first step. But I know in my heart of hearts and deep in my soul, I need to make that step. If not for me, but for the sake of our sons. I don’t want them to be damaged by what they see and hear their father doing to me.

A: I am so sorry that you are going through this. It is clear this isn’t what you want (or anyone wants) in a marriage. I would honor your fear. It will be important to create a large system of support as you go through this. I highly recommend you contact your local women’s center and begin counseling with them. They will have referrals for low- or no-cost legal counseling as well. They will be able to help you get the ball rolling.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

When I was in 2nd grade, I was molested by the grandfather of a neighbor, who was a couple years older than me. I don’t remember all the specifics of what happened with him, but I do remember sitting on his leg while not wearing any bottoms. I remember worrying about what we were doing was wrong and saying this to him. He replied that I shouldn’t worry, his granddaughter did this with him all the time. She wasn’t a particularly good friend, but at the time I thought horrible things about her and blamed her for it.

Now, years later, I know this isn’t my fault and I was just a child. But I have no much guilt for not telling anyone because I might have been able to help the granddaughter. At the time, I hated because of it, and now looking back on it, she was probably a victim as well.

I’m in therapy and keep trying to bring this up, but my biggest fear is that she’ll say something that absolves me of this guilt. I feel like my whole world is dedicated to helping children, because I didn’t help this one girl and I don’t feel I deserve closure or forgiveness.

A: Please do bring it up. Unlike most people who feel guilty, you are taking action to make the world a better place. Too often, guilt is a substitute for action. You are transforming a terrible experience into motivation to do something meaningful and useful. That was such a wise and important decision for your own growth as well as for the kids you are helping.

As for the forgiveness part: Please remember that you were only 7 years old at the time. I want you to look around the next time you are at a mall and spot the 7-year-olds. Look at how little and innocent they really are. Kids that age believe the grownups! They have to. They are dependent on the adults.

You were just like them — little, dependent, confused and scared. You knew something was wrong but you also thought you were powerless to stop a big person who was in control. You did what most little kids do: You looked for a way to feel less out of control so you blamed it on someone your own size. That felt more manageable.

It’s long past time for forgiving that little girl who was you. You would do the same for any other little girl who was scared, confused, and upset. Why won’t you do it for yourself?

Please take your letter and this response to your next session. You can continue doing your good work without the burden of unearned guilt for something that happened 27 years ago.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

Well I get bullied like CRAZY people throw apples at my head on the bus i get called a whale, useless, SPED (i am not special),ranga, faggot and most of the things you could think of.
My parents have told me they wish i was never born and even they call me useless and things makes me feel worthless because our parents should love us and care. When i tell my mother about being bullied she tells me to just learn to deal with it because she doesnt care my dad doesnt either.
I have a teacher at school i have been wanting to talk to but i get too scared she has asked me a few times if i was okay and what was wrong but i just say the usual im fine but im not im dying inside and it is starting to show on the outside.
So i mainly need help with telling my teacher EVERYTHING but im more scared about the home thing because i cant stand it much longer. it is school holidays for two weeks we are only three days in and im already going crazy :(
Thanks

A: I am so, so very sorry that you are being tormented at school and not supported at home. Sadly, not every kid gets the parent she deserves. You aren’t getting the love and the protection you need. You are not wrong to be angry and sad about it. But I’m sorry to say that you can’t make people love you who have big problems with loving. I wrote an article for kids like you that you might find helpful. Click here to read it.

When parents aren’t able to do what they should, it’s important to find other adults who care. You already have a teacher who is concerned. If you are too shy to talk to her directly, you could give her a copy of your letter and this response. She won’t be able to make your parents do what they should but she may be able to help you sort things out at school. If she can help you feel safe in school, you’ll have at least one place where you can grow into the mature and competent person you are meant to be.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

I recently found my relatives I haven’t seen in over 30 yrs and I figure I would get to know them. I talked to them for awhile and now they stopped talking to me after they talked to my siblings and other relations,which they look at me like I am the bad seed who caused the stress and problems in the family. Granted, my life hasn’t been great and I never gotten along with my siblings, since my mothers passing, I’ve been trying to reconnect with my family but it seems like they do not want nothing to do with me and it is hurting me inside. I want to bury the hatchet more than anything, but they are not willing to. What makes this difficult, is the fact they keep dragging my name through the mud and I want it to stop.

A: Whenever there is such a group reaction from a family I think the best strategy is to make personal contact with the most willing person and nurture this one relationship. Don’t try to ingratiate yourself with the whole family. Work to build one relationship at a time. Make the effort to develop brief contact first. The idea here is to build on success—so the goal of a brief meeting is to have it go well and to set up another opportunity to connect again. Don’t try to solve everything all at once. If you have been out of the loop for 30 years it may take some time to reintroduce yourself to your family. Let them know who you are now, and strive to develop a positive connection.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

My bf and i have been together for a little over 2 years. My problem is how he treats me. Yesterday morning he was off and came down to sit on the couch to join me and his daughter I’m chit chatting like usual and for some reason he is just quite and rolling his eyes like I’m bothering him. He gets like this from time to time and tells me my stories are stupid I talk to much he doesn’t want to hear me. He basically tries to tell me how to talk. Then I leave stay at a hotel or last time went to Pittsburgh to visit my family then hes sorry and listens to everything I have to say for a while and acts like the perfect person then after a little while he will fall right back into the same old pattern and start dictating how I can talk to him again. Then I leave and go somewhere then he realizes what’s he’s done then apologizes and doesn’t do it for a while but I know its only a matter of time before he will fall back into it again.

A. You have described a troublesome pattern that is common in emotionally abusive relationships. His behavior is noteworthy and you should take action. Consider it a “red flag.”

Some of the most common forms of emotional abuse include putdowns and name-calling. Surveys have shown that putdowns and name-calling are strong predictors of intimate partner violence. Though he has not been physically violent, you may be at risk. Studies have shown that emotional abuse and controlling behaviors are often precursors to physical violence.

Your next step should be asking if he would be willing to participate in couples therapy. His willingness to participate in therapy would show that he is serious about wanting to change his behavior. If he is truly sorry, then he should be willing to do what is necessary to improve his behavior.

You could also benefit from individual therapy. A therapist could help you to understand the impact of abusive relationships, advise you about how to proceed with the relationship, provide emotional support, and assist you in determining the appropriate safety precautions.

If he is unwilling to change his behavior, then you must decide whether you want to stay in this relationship. If he is not willing to change, or make any attempts to change, then I would advise against staying in the relationship. You should never be willing to tolerate abuse.

In the meantime, you may want to consider a temporary separation. This may involve you moving to a new location. A temporary separation may be an inconvenience but it may be necessary. Your safety is paramount. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice Blog

My boyfriend and I have an up and down relationship. He also has PTSD and I don’t think its only from Iraq. I think his past has a lot to do with it. He has called me names (which I actually don’t take offense too) or calls me dumb or stupid (I do HATE that though). He always react as in a split second, is irrational and blames me for most everything. Even the way he acts. He hates talking to me about anything serious that has to do with the relationship and sometimes he comes back and apologizes. He randomly tells me he loves me or appreciates me. He was taking Valium for his anxiety but quit it and now he takes methadone which I actually think helps him a lot. He doesn’t recognize my accomplishments, he is very selfish, he days he will do things for me and then the tiniest thing will throw him off. We did break up for a month last January and he kept writing me.I am sympathetic to his past and I do not treat him like a charity case but I am very devoted, I support his decisions whether I agree with them or not, I say I told ya so or way to go, he is not affectionate and rarely says I love you to me. Sex is another thing. I know he enjoys sex with me but he can never seem to to last and if its not that he just doesn’t want to be touched so attempting to even initiate something ends up making me feel completely rejected. I never pressure him to talk about Iraq, I will do anything for him and even though I feel safe physically I don’t mentally. I lfeel like he is going to kick me and my daughter out. He was kicking us out on and off for a while. He will not get help because he would have to pay since he does not go to the VA (I dont blame him that place is a joke). I don’t know what to do or what I’m doing but I have thought of leaving but I love him too much to do that to him, like everyone else. Is there anything I can do to make things a little smoother on us? I don’t think he will break up with me wither, I think I’m the one that has to leave. He claims to be ok with it if I did but I know he would be contacting me within a week.

A. You should ask him to receive counseling. If he’s unwilling, then there’s little else you can do. It will then be up to you to make a decision about whether you want to stay in this relationship.

As it stands, the relationship could not be described as healthy. He does not treat you well. Perhaps that’s because of his history and time at war but nonetheless, he does not treat you well.

Suggest individual counseling. If he is unwilling to attend individual counseling perhaps he would be willing to attend couples counseling. If he is unwilling to do either, then you must decide your next move. If nothing changes, then I would advise against staying in this relationship. It’s concerning that he can treat you badly and you are willing to stay.

It would be advantageous for you to enter therapy. One reason is that you would gain much-needed emotional support during this difficult period of time. Another would be to explore the reasons why you are accepting of a partner who is emotionally abusive. Therapy could help you immensely.

He may be experiencing psychological problems but that does not make it okay for him to treat you badly. You should not accept it as an excuse. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice

My boyfriend is so mean wen he is mad at me an we agure he calls me names down grades me an Mentaly abuses me he doesn’t think of at all an thinks everything he does he rite I hav no friends I don’t go out but he does he ask lik a dad not a fiancé an to top it off I want to leave so bad but I hav 3 kids with him an he kicks me out an I hav no were to go an he was sayin how if we aint together he will move to flordia an im in det an hav no money or job because i take care of my kids what should I do I’m miserable I’m depressed an i want out help!

A: Thank you so muich for writing. It’s the first step toward getting yourself out of the trap you are in. At only 22, and with 3 kids to support, you need help if you are to free yourself of this abusive guy. Fortunately, your city has a women’s center that can help you get away and get on your feet. They provide free and confidential 24-hour easily accessible services to those in need. They provide counseling, education, outreach, referrals and resources.

One other resource is the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233. Counselors are there 24/7 to help women like yourself figure out what to do.

Please be careful. If you decide to make calls or look into getting help, use a computer at the library or at a friend’s house. Don’t use your own phone. Sometimes men like your boyfriend get violent when they find out that their girlfriend is looking for help.

You deserve better. Your kids deserve to grow up in a home where they are seeing love and support between the adults, not abuse. Your letter was your first step toward safety and a better life. Now please take the next one and get in touch with the center.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

I’m 21 and I was raped almost two years ago and every since I have had this obsession with rape. I read books about people being raped and watch movies with really graphic rape scenes and look up stuff about it on the web and watch anything with rape in it. i don’t know why and I feel like I am crazy because though those disturb me and me feel like I am reliving it or really queasy or sad, I can’t help but watch or read about it. I pick up anything that has to do with rape even though I can’t even speak about my own experience without freezing up or not being able to go any further. I have never even been able to discuss the full details with anyone because it feels like I am reliving it, I have nightmares about being raped and am scared of the dark. I talk to a therapist but it doesn’t seem to help. I can’t get rape off my mind. It is constantly there like a creepy obsession I can not get rid of. I don’t know what’s wrong with me or what I should do.

A: I am very sorry and sad that you had such a horrible experience. I’m very glad you wrote. Most people don’t know that what you are doing is one of the possible very normal “abnormal” responses to a traumatic situation. What you describe is your attempt to deal with the rape.

When little kids go through a trauma, we often see them replay the scene over and over again in the sandbox. They are not enjoying this kind of play. They are reenacting it in the unconscious hope that they can feel more in control of what happened or maybe make it come out differently. Adults like yourself obviously aren’t playing in a sandbox but by watching movies, reading about rape and going over and over it in your head, you are also trying to work it through.

It was worth a try but clearly it’s not working for you as a strategy for resolving your feelings. You go over and over it but you can’t tolerate talking about what actually happened. The “obsession” is your way of telling yourself that you need help to bump yourself out of this never-ending loop of thoughts and feelings about the rape. Please listen to the good advice you are trying to give yourself. Find a counselor who specializes in sexual abuse. Your counselor will be able to give you the support and advice you need to move beyond this terrible experience.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

I’ve considered the possibility of murder for many years now, starting with my father when I was around 8 (he was heavily psychologically and physically abusive to me, and I have vivid memories of watching him beating my mum and hearing him rape her from the next room) though admittedly I did not fully understand the implications of the actions at the time, but rather just wanted a release from the constant fear in which I lived.

These fantasies eventually developed to being about other people, and now I have them about random individuals I may know nothing about. If I see an attractive man or woman (I’m bisexual) I’ll often imagine what it would be like to choke them to death, or tie them up and kill them slowly using an range of devices, more often than simply gaining a desire to have sex with them. There have been times were I have sat for hours with these things playing out in my head, and I really would like help in repressing them.

The desire to kill is not always present, as I seem to go through cycles of the urges disappearing for up to a month, leading me to believe they are gone for good, before they return to be just as extreme as before. My suicidal thoughts come about in a similar fashion and usually start up around a similar time, though the two are seldom present at once.

I have an exiguous conscience, I cannot perform sexually unless the act involves some form of violence or aggression, and my empathy for other people is outstandingly limited. However, I would like to repress these urges I’ve been having, as I know my death would upset my mum and siblings (the only people I really care for; friends are just for amusement, I wouldn’t shed a tear if they all died tomorrow, and I’m claustrophobic so don’t like the idea of spending the rest of my life in a prison cell. It feels good to get this in the open, even if I have used an alias, but if you could provide me with any help on this matter it would be much appreciated. Just to clarify, I’ve no killed anybody up to this point. Thanks for reading. Side note: drinking blood and cannibalism are also things I’ve considered, though I believe they are more down to curiosity.

A. You have articulately described how you are feeling. The fact the you have decided to share these feelings, perhaps for the first time, is a positive sign. You’re acknowledging that they are a problem and that you would like help. I commend you on your willingness to be open and to consider seeking help.

As you’ve noted, if you were to kill someone, you could spend the rest of your life in prison. Prison life is horrendous. Claustrophobia could be the least of your problems. Have you read about what it’s like to live in a prison? If not, you should. Michael Santos just finished serving 25 years of a 45-year felony drug sentence. He’s written several books on what it was like to be in prison. He also spends a great deal of time writing on his blogs and on his Facebook page about that experience. Below are several excerpts from his book “Inside: Life Behind Bars In America:”

“The system would cage me within the forty-foot walls that surround the penitentiary alongside nearly three thousand men, many of whom never expect to leave prison. Those felons live without hope of anything better. Every prisoner in the penitentiary [is only ]whispers away from extortion attempts, from savage gang rapes, from bludgeoning and stabbings… Prisons remove hope. They create resentment. They thwart family relationships, degrade each individual’s sense of self, and separate offenders in every way from society…”

Most of the experiences in his book “Inside” could not be reproduced in my response because of their graphic nature. I would encourage you to read the book so you can see firsthand what life is like inside an American prison. It’s worse than most could imagine.

Depending on which state you live in, committing murder might also mean being sentenced to the death penalty. Your decision to end the life of another, or several others, could devastate the lives of many people. Should you carry out your desires, your actions could be immensely destructive. All religions condemn murder as an act of evil.

I would strongly encourage you to seek help from mental health professionals. It is your responsibility to attempt to control these admitted desires. A mental health professional could assist you in controlling your feelings, repressing your emotions, and providing you with the necessary skills to control your behavior. You should not attempt to deal with this problem on your own.

Your urges are likely related to a need for control. As a child you were abused and surrounded by abuse but you had no power to change it. Any love and kindness that you received was in an atmosphere of fear and danger. Your mother was beaten and raped by your father. The abuse filled your mind. These circumstances had negative effects upon your normal development.

You were a victim. You were an innocent victim. It was wrong, very wrong. It was horrendously wrong. Don’t do this to another. Don’t be guilty of the sins of your father by replicating his actions. Condemn his actions and do not allow yourself to be like him.

You haven’t hurt anyone. He is guilty. You are not. You are still the victim. The victim of your father’s sinful actions. A good therapist will end your father’s abuse. He or she will end the lingering effects of your father’s abuse. If you deliberately hurt another, then how are you different from your father? How can you condemn your father’s actions, if you willingly, deliberately do as he did?

It would be irresponsible to ignore this problem and simply hope that it will go away. This problem requires professional treatment. I hope that you will take my advice. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice Blog