I am so out of touch with reality I don’t know what to do anymore. There have been times where I believed I had some sort of ability, fantasized about killing people and willingly ‘chose’ insanity (which is insane). I’m mentally confused and have terrible memory. I spend, at times, 90% of my waking hours in mental fantasies that are too often disgusting. I talk to myself 100% of the time I’m alone, like I’m a different person. I don’t have a split personality, but at one(more than one) point I tried forcing myself into having one. I think it’s some sort of emotional disorder that started this behavior, maybe out of a feeling of emptiness or left out and this being my way of feeling special, or possibly rebelling against a world that left me feeling alienated. A lot of these insecurities are gone now but my habits have gone too far, and it’s driving me crazy. I don’t see an end to it, and it’s messing with my ordinary thoughts and the way I think them. The bad memory was from a carbon monoxide leak in the room across from mine(for the years I had these habits). Could they be the source of all this? I have negative sexual habits toward amount of masturbation and what I do it to. I’ve worked a lot on this and gotten into what I would call a ‘normal’ routine but there’s always the thought. It’s just another terrible behavior I forced myself into for no reason. I have this imaginary meter in my head, and when I move in a certain way I automatically counterbalance it until it ‘fits’. I’ll also second guess a lot of my thoughts, and then second guess that and so on until my head hurts. It’s like I split myself into two angles when I’m talking to myself, or deciding to do certain things, but I’m still controlling both sides, and I know in the back of my head how stupid it is, but it’s so ingrained in me that I can’t stop it. I have so much more to say, but I’m meeting the character limit.

A. It’s possible that your exposure to carbon monoxide is contributing to your symptoms. Case studies have shown that exposure to carbon monoxide, without loss of consciousness, can affect new learning ability, sleep, and memory. It can also cause headaches, dizziness, depression, anxiety, and problems with psychomotor function and balance. If you haven’t consulted a physician about possible side effects, you should. You might choose a neurologist who specializes in treating individuals exposed to carbon monoxide.

In addition to a physician, it would be helpful to consult a mental health professional. Mental health treatment shouldn’t be a last resort option. When you are in distress, you should enter treatment. It could provide a great deal of relief and eliminate your symptoms. I hope you will consider it. It’s the solution to this problem. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle