I Hate My Boyfriend’s Daughter

By Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the U.S. My boyfriend and I started dating over 3 years ago. He is 29 with an 8 year old daughter. I’m 25. She was 5 when we first met and we got along great. About a year and a half into our relationship I began to get jealous feelings and it grew to be so bad that I have gone to 2 different therapists. Nothing has helped me and I actually feel like my dislike for her is turning to hate. I feel like she is an annoying little sister who I can not stand to be around.

I am madly in love with my boyfriend and want to be with him forever but since he knows that I don’t love his daughter I think that is holding us back from moving forward. I have told him that maybe he deserves better than me but he really wants us to work this out too. There are many different things I could write on why I don’t like her, but in general she is a good kid that I should love by now and it really scares me that I don’t love her and that I actually can not stand to be around her!! Help. I really want to love her!

A: You may be madly in love with your boyfriend, but this relationship is doomed. If you can’t find it in your heart and mind to love this little girl, who you describe as a “good kid,” you can’t expect to make a life with him. You can’t expect him to choose between the two of you. It’s unfair to make her the scapegoat for whatever your own reservations are about moving forward in the relationship.

You say you’ve already seen two therapists. Perhaps it’s time to try a third.
Sometimes therapy is like opening a pickle jar. Two people try it and can’t open it but the third succeeds. It’s not necessarily that the third is stronger or better at it. The first two kind of loosened it up so the the third could give it the final tug.

Do take your letter and this response with you. And sign a release so the therapist can talk to the other two. That will jump start the process so you don’t have to completely start over.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 19 Aug 2014

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2014). I Hate My Boyfriend’s Daughter. Psych Central. Retrieved on September 17, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2014/08/19/i-hate-my-boyfriends-daughter/