I’ve Been in a Crazy Relationship
From the U.S.: I live in SF for two years where I met my ex who is from Turkey more than a year ago. We felt in love crazily everything seemed ok beside a couple things which my naivity was explaining as cultural difference and pessimism. But after a couple of months we moved in together and things were seemed to get crazier and crazier. At the beginning he was just very strict with me about other people, but later he didn’t let me see any of my friends, he was checking my phone every day, he was crazy jealous, he told me what can I wear how should I look (as bad as i can), he was yelling at me for every small thing and he started to slap me when I said something back, breaking my things in the house and he was trying to move out every time when he had a problem and of course he always get what he wanted because I didn’t want to end like that (but at the same time he showed me amazing love that i’ve never had before). we broke up a few months ago but he is still trying to control me, checking me and sending me threatening emails because he thinks i have someone else (i’m still in love with him so this is not true he is just making these things up) and sending me emails about how bad i am, how big whore I am and blaming me for everything. I’m pretty sure we can’t be together, this is crazy love but I’m trying to understand what’s happening with him, do you have any idea what kind of psychological problem he has? I’m trying to help him and I’m trying to help myself to get over him.
Thank you if you can help me with anything.
A: There are a number of reasons why someone like your boyfriend is abusive. Without talking to him, I can’t responsibly give you a diagnosis. But more to the point, you are right: You are crazy in love. To love someone who hurts you and tries to control your every move is a kind of crazy. It’s as if you refuse to believe what your own experience is telling you. No matter how loving he can be, his primary motive is to stay in control.
Instead of trying to “help” him, please focus on yourself. You need to get out of this relationship — now. Your boyfriend’s behavior is not likely to get better despite your best efforts. He needs to get help from a professional. You need to keep yourself safe. That may mean taking out a restraining order if he continues to stalk you. Look into whether there is a safe house for abused women in your city. You may need their help.
I wish you well.
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2014). I’ve Been in a Crazy Relationship. Psych Central. Retrieved on April 29, 2016, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2014/07/26/ive-been-in-a-crazy-relationship/