From Italy: I want to start by emphasizing that this is not a serious issue in my life. It’s just something that I am not able to cope with, and would like some…general insight.
I do not have any self esteem problems and consider myself to be really mature.
I’m 20, I have a relationship with a girl since more than a year, however we broke up at least 3 or 4 times. I think that this girl is the best I could possibly get, but we are quite the opposite of each other as I take everything seriously and she makes me upset multiple times because of her poor consideration of my point of view.
What I struggle with is: if I truly love her, why do I randomly stop doing so and just grow bored of her? Why do I feel like I would be better off without her, and the next day I realize of how big a stupidity that is? Last, but not least, why do I CONSTANTLY dream of another girl (like I just did last night)?
P.S: this “another girl” is one of my best friends. We almost had a romance 2 years ago and since that time I always cared deeply for her and wished I could get something more. I was also going to betray my girlfriend with a girl I knew at a club, and I really wanted to do so, but the next day I felt like sh*t.
P.P.S: 4 years ago I had my first serious relationship with a girlfriend I loved deeply. It ended with her betraying me with my best friend after 7 months. While this had a huge impact on me 4 years ago, I do not care anymore about it and I can even forgive the two of them.
A: One of my best teachers used to say that two relationships is fewer than one. He was right. By constantly thinking about other possibilities, you prevent yourself from making a true commitment to your girlfriend. It may not be a big problem for you, but it will certainly be a huge problem for her if she commits to you and you can’t respond equally and fully.
My guess is that the betrayal by your former girlfriend had a bigger effect than you think. You may be protecting yourself from ever being hurt like that again by keeping a part of yourself out of your current relationship. Yes, you have forgiven. But you may have unconsciously (and wrongly) concluded from the experience that to truly love is too risky for you. For that reason, I do think it would be useful for you to see a therapist for a few sessions to help you grieve that old relationship and open yourself up again to loving someone completely.
I wish you well.
Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 25 Jul 2014
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2014). Why Do I Want to Be with Someone Else?. Psych Central. Retrieved on January 25, 2015, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2014/07/25/why-do-i-want-to-be-with-someone-else/