From Serbia: I’m a 23 years old male virgin with lots of depression and sorrow inside me. I never had sex and actually never been in a real relationship. Always felt like the girls that liked me aren’t good enough for me, but the ones I liked never gave me a chance. Also, sometimes I wasn’t sure do or do I not like the girl.
But my behavior isn’t all about that, I also can’t swim, which I find quite depressing especially in summer. At work, at school I am one of the best I always tended to be intellectual, straight “A”s all the time,first because my parents wanted it and now I don’t know why. I feel empty often and I spend a lot of time on my own, on the Internet, reading all kinds of stuff that I actually don’t need. I have some friends but I never talked about this to anyone.
Recently, I found that I even can’t feel relaxed or concentrated on one thing. Like, I have to be reading something or studying something or whatever like that.
What should I do to change my state?
A: First, relax. Much of what you are talking about is completely normal. Despite what you may see in the media, lots of people don’t find someone to love until into their 20s or even older. Not everyone is having sex. Not everyone can swim either. It’s also not unusual for young people between the ages of 17 and 25 to start questioning what their parents want for them. It’s part of finding your own identity. Sometimes people go in an entirely different direction than their parents wanted. Sometimes they end up choosing what their parents wanted after all — but now it’s their own choice as well.
I encourage you to talk with your friends about some of this. Often it is peers who can reassure a person that, yes, they are going through some version of the same thing. Instead of distracting yourself with pointless reading and being on the Internet, I think you should be experimenting with different activities to see what you like. Join up with a team, a club, a cause or an arts group. You won’t figure out what you do and don’t want to do unless you try some things. If not being able to swim bothers you, get some lessons. You can learn. Most people do.
The antidote to your state is to get active. Nothing is going to fall from the sky to change it. You have to. So, please get out of your room and into the world. Try out some things. Talk to people. Give yourself the chance to find out who you really are.
I wish you well.
Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 17 Jul 2014
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2014). I Feel Depressed and Moody. Psych Central. Retrieved on March 6, 2015, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2014/07/17/i-feel-depressed-and-moody/