From the U.S. Ok. So in highschool (im a fifth year college student now) I dated this great guy we’ll call Dude. Dude is my age. My relationship with Dude was amazing. we dated from senior year of HS to the end of my freshman year of college (around 2.5 years) He’s a great guy; he knows everything about me, he makes me laugh, he knows when to be serious, and when we were dating we only fought once. He’s a military man, but still a goofball. I loved him very much (and part of me always will — we had a great relationship). He broke up with me. A family member died and he wanted to be left alone among other reasons. We didn’t talk for a long time, but after several years we’ve regained contact and we’re great friends (we were great friends before we dated too). We’ve started talking again (we couldn’t speak due to military terms).
Before we started talking again, almost two years ago I started dating the guy I’m with now (we’ll call him Man). I let plenty of time go by (around 3 years) after my break up with Dude to start dating Man. Man is 3 years younger than me. He is a wonderful boyfriend. we’ve been dating for over a year and a half. He’s smart, witty, loving. He doesn’t make me laugh as much as Dude and I feel like sometimes I have to try with him, but I love him very much. We’ve had several fights over our relationship (his libido is waaaaaaay higher than mine, which is almost non-existent). He’s also slightly insecure, maybe it’s just cause he’s young.
So my problem is, and I know it really shouldn’t be that big of a problem, but I have feelings for both men. And both men have feelings for me. And I can see promising futures with both. I know that Man (current) would be heartbroken if we broke up. Like I’m worried that if we were to ever break up he’d go into a depression that he’d never come out of. He really loves me. Dude loves me a lot too, but i feel that he would handle not being with me a lot better. Maybe because of the tough military training?
Basically, I can’t choose and I can’t win. My heart is pulling me in two different directions, and both men are equally amazing. Is there any advice? How can one choose between two perfect men? How do you know which one is right? That’s the biggest question. Please help…
A: The reason you can’t find an answer is that you’re asking the wrong questions. I don’t think you can choose either because you have issues of your own to settle. First: Why is your libido almost non-existent at the age of 23? Why are you with Man who is so dependent on you that he would get so depressed he would never recover if you called it off? Why do you think Dude is even a choice when you’ve only started speaking again?
From what you’ve described, I don’t think you are ready for a serious relationship. You are avoiding your own issues by keeping yourself busy with your “decision.” You owe it to yourself (and to the two of them) to take time out by choosing yourself for a while. Focus on what you need to learn and do to be a mature partner to a mature man and to resolve what goes on with you sexually. You deserve it.
I wish you well.
Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 14 Jul 2014
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2014). How Can I Possibly Choose Between the Best Two Men in the Entire World?. Psych Central. Retrieved on March 3, 2015, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2014/07/14/how-can-i-possibly-choose-between-the-best-two-men-in-the-entire-world/