I’m Scared of Myself (Not Suicide)
I’m extremely attracted to death. I just spent over 4 hours researching about Sid Vicious and the murder of his former girlfriend. I get that it’s a popular rock myth, but I spent even more time looking up information about the Columbine High School shooting as well. I was up until 3am reading Eric Harris’ journals and it’s all so intriguing to me, and I don’t feel disgusted at all about what they’ve done, like, I don’t despise the shooting but am sad for the victims. The reason I’m asking about this is because I’m often in a violent mood. When my depression was bad, I nearly broke the whole house. I’ve hit my parents and worse even. I haven’t done any of these things in almost a year, but at times I still catch myself thinking about such awful things. I don’t believe I’d act on any of them, but it still scares me. I like it and hate it at the same time. It’s a dark kind of pleasure that distracts me from the kind person I really am. I know I am, but something inside me feels so contradicting to it. I currently am in therapy and have been for a few months now with the same therapist and have been improving, but it still worries me, and it’s dreadful to even consider talking about it with her.
A. Many people are interested in understanding why people kill. They want to know what compels some people to commit these horrible acts of violence. That’s probably why these types of television shows are so popular.
However, in the context of your history of aggression toward your parents, you should avoid indulging in this “dark pleasure.” By your own admission, this subject matter “distracts [you] from being the kind of person” you know you are. It also “scares” you. It seems to be doing more harm than good.
It’s a mistake to withhold this information from your therapist. It’s obviously something that bothers you and that you wonder about. Therapy is a safe place to discuss your feelings about this matter. Lack of self-disclosure can significantly inhibit your therapist’s ability to help you. You’re holding back information that your therapist needs to know. Continuing to do so can hinder your progress in therapy.
It’s important that you explore your “attraction to death” in more depth. I would recommend discussing this matter with your therapist and being honest about your feelings. Therapy is the ideal place to do this. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle
Randle, K. (2014). I’m Scared of Myself (Not Suicide). Psych Central. Retrieved on April 21, 2015, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2014/07/12/im-scared-of-myself-not-suicide/