Extremely Depressed Because of Boyfriend

By Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From India: I had posted about the issues I am having with my OCDiac BF and the therapist answered me to end this relationship which has become an emotional abuse for me. But being in a relationship for an year, it was hard for me to forget him at once and start a new life.

I somehow tried with all the love I have for him to make him understand that relationships dont work that way and he can’t control me, he also agreed to some extent and started changing his behaviour. His panic attacks decreased . Being in India parents are desparate to get their daughter married if she is sitting idle at home . He did not want to see me getting married to someone else just because I was idle ,so he allowed me to take up a new job. He is at his home in other city waiting for his admission test to happen and join college. When he gets admission he will move to my city. While he is idle at his home , he wants me to be there when he wakes up to wake him like a wife but on phone, stay on call when I leave for office and staying on call whenever he calls whether I in middle of a meeting , previously it was a 24 x 7 affair being on call whereever I go including washrooms too. Now he says that he wont be on call 24×7 but he requested me pick up his call whenever he calls as he needs me and my support whenever he gets OCD attacks .

Recently I got to know that I am stuck in legal case filed by the company I worked with and from where he made me resign abruptly and I owe that company some money due to non-fullfilment of the contract. They told me that they’ll be dispatching a legal notice soon for the recovery of that money . It made me upset, I told him about the same and I told him I’ll take care of it all I am worried about is the legal thing because my parents would scold me to death for this and I can’t tell them I had to leave this job because of my boyfriend , they dont know about this relationship.

He panicked , shouted on call , used foul language . I am all broken again. I am on anti depressants . His family members call me , I dont pick . I am having suicidal attacks and I want to disappear from this world . I am extremely depressed . I love this guy , I want him to be a normal guy whom I can get married to and have kids with, we had planned a lot. But everything has gone wrong .
I am lost , please help.

A: I’m terribly sorry for your pain. But, as you are finding out, you cannot change this man into a “normal guy.” He’s not normal. He is not making normal or appropriate demands of you. He doesn’t want to be normal. Your relationship with him is toxic to you. If you marry him, it will only be more of the same. He will control and emotionally abuse you and he will control and emotionally abuse your children. He is not worth your pain. He is too involved with his own issues to care about yours.

Please. Get yourself to a therapist to help you disengage from this troubling relationship. If you have loving parents, do the courtesy of letting them know what has gone on and ask for their love and support.

You deserve so much better. Find a man who will appreciate your love, who will admire and cherish you and who will encourage you to be all you can be.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 10 Jul 2014

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2014). Extremely Depressed Because of Boyfriend. Psych Central. Retrieved on October 25, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2014/07/10/extremely-depressed-because-of-boyfriend/