Girlfriend Was a Slut

By Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I need serious help. I’ll give you the background and any help or advice is massively appreciated because I do love this girl. I’ve been with my girlfriend almost one year and it was going great until a few months ago when we talked about our respective history in depth and I found out she had slept with a LOT of guys before me. Now I literally CANNOT GET THIS OUT OF MY HEAD. I think about it a lot and I believe the issue resides in the sheer number of partners and I think, primarily, me thinking about her and them engaging in the physical act of sex. I don’t want to sound crude, but the fact that she has had so many guys inside her is driving me absolutely insane, my imagination and thinking about this is destroying me and us!!!…at times it has driven me to lash out verbally at her and also pushed our relationship to the limit at times. She says she loves me and she’s with me now, but I really can’t get it out of my head; the amount of men she’s had inside her hurts me so much, it is a MASSIVE PROBLEM. I don’t know what to do, as I say I love her but I don’t know if I can ever get over it. I’ve not been a man-slut as it were, I’ve always enjoyed having girlfriends, but this has driven me to seek advice. Any and all advice welcome. Thanks!

A: I can understand the surprise, but let’s look at this another way. The person you fell in love with had had all of those experiences already and was able to be in a complete relationship with you. She has survived the dating and sexual experimentation cycle and has made a commitment to you. She was also able to be vulnerable by sharing this background with you, which, by the way, was at your request.

At your age it would be rare to find a partner that has not had sexual experiences — so not being with her because of this doesn’t guarantee you will find someone with different, better, or less upsetting background.

The work here is to do two things. Celebrate the fact you have found someone you really connect to. ALL of her life experiences have led her to you at this point in time. She may have needed to know what she doesn’t want to find what she does.

Secondly, I would recommend Cognitive-Behavior Therapy as a way of coping with the invasive thoughts. If therapy isn’t what you want to do I would highly recommend this book The Resilience Factor. It is one of the best self-help books on the topic I know of on the topic.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 6 Jul 2014

APA Reference
Tomasulo, D. (2014). Girlfriend Was a Slut. Psych Central. Retrieved on August 28, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2014/07/06/girlfriend-was-a-slut/