Does My Mother Hate Me?

By Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

My father was never there at all, my mom left him before I was born. I think my mother has resented me my entire life. I fully understand that a parent can A) Have their children’s best intentions in all of their actions because they just want the best for their children. B) The only thing a parent needs to do is give you a roof over your head until your 18 years old and send you on your way. My mother does things for me like a normal parent would, hell she co-signed on a loan so i could buy her old car, which I didn’t have much choice. But as long as I can remember she has made me feel like a nuisance. When she would talk about me most of the time weather I’m there or not she just tell’s strangers or family or friends about the mistakes I’ve made; insulting me calling names like dumb ass or stupid. Then she’d tell them something as to say “look at my bad ass parenting”. When we’re out in public she will talk to everyone else in a pleasant tone but even if i just ask a question i get attitude. If i would do something she didn’t like or understand like she’d just immediately try to shut it down by saying that its stupid. She makes me feel like I’m just nothing but a burden to everyone until I’m needed for something (like figuring out her various electronics) or heavy lifting, then she’ll turn right around and call me lazy ass or something. For a very very long time I just took this abuse and keep it inside until a few times i’d just break down and blow up. Recently I try to take everything with a grain of salt and blow it off cause it’ll just make me angry (i should mention I have anger management issues that have gotten much better). I’m trying to be responsible take care of my business, when i make a mistake you can bet my mother will be there to tell me what I’ve done is stupid and that I’m an ungrateful bastard. My mom comes from a good big family, she found my father when they were about 20’s to age 30, got in to drugs with him, and when she got pregnant years later the fun was over. Should i just scrap this relationship or…….??

A: I’m sorry you’re having so much difficulty with your mother. But it’s time to scrap it. Mother hasn’t shown much more than functional caring for you and — for whatever reason that is — I wouldn’t waste too much time trying to get blood from a stone. But I also wouldn’t leave being angry. I think it’s worth it to plan your departure. The ultimate goal is for you to be independent and not need much from your mom, if anything. I would tell her you need some time to talk and then explain you feel like a burden rather than loved, and that it’s clear it’s time for you to make your own way in the world. Let her know that you wish it were different, but that you can understand and appreciate the care she has given you. But that it doesn’t feel good. Ask if she would be willing to do some counseling with you, but I wouldn’t hold my breath. If she agrees — great. But if not then make your plans to be less dependent, less available and start to move on.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

Photo

 

 

Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 14 Jun 2014

APA Reference
Tomasulo, D. (2014). Does My Mother Hate Me?. Psych Central. Retrieved on December 22, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2014/06/14/does-my-mother-hate-me/