Unable to Forget Him and Move On

By Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

My relation with my ex boyfriend was virtual! It has been 5 years now , i met him on Facebook and we both loved each other so much , it may seem weird , but i really adore him! i have never seen him in real life either , because we are not from the same country. I’m Tunisian and he is algerian. We were together for 2 years and we have broken up 3 years ago. it’s all because his mum was against our relationship.

i Could’t get over it. i begged him. i said i ll wait .. he just refused! He said , I adore you. I have never loved a girl as much as i did with u , but it’s impossible , we can’t be together anymore ! i can’t give up my family .. i felt that moment that am useless and that i can’t do anything to protect our love from vanishing!

As a result , i didn’t eat for weeks. i hurted my legs and my arms with my nails till they bled. i was crying everywhere ( train station , streets , any public place..)i wrote letters for him , i tried the impossible! nothing worked.

And now it’s 2014 , and i’m still remembering every souvenir with him, I can’t even love anybody else. I always feel that i’m bertaying him, i always have that hope which is that one day he will come back to me because i always think that he is mine. i told him that he can can be with any other girl, have fun and do what he wants to do, but he still mine.

Most people say that i should forget about him and start a new life and i have to look forward and never come back to the past but, believe me , i can’t forget ….. i don’t even want to forget, because my memories with him are my happiness .
PS: i still talk to him till now, but just like simple Friends which is for me a white lie!
Give me some advices please ..

A: I’m sorry you are in such pain. And I’m very sorry that you aren’t going to like my advice. You met this guy online when you were at the very impressionable age of 13. The two of you had a wonderful fantasy about love and relationships that simply won’t hold up as young adults. Although you have powerful feelings for him, they aren’t the feelings of mature love. He can’t be “yours.” People who love each other don’t own each other. You two broke up 3 years ago. He has grown beyond the fantasy and you haven’t. Unfortunately, staying in contact has only helped keep the fantasy going on your part.

My guess is that you are afraid of having a real life relationship with a person who is truly available to you. You cover those anxieties with your obsession about a boy you’ve never met. Both wanting a relationship and being scared of what it means is a normal part of the teen years. The way past the fear is to be friendly with guys you like and to start going out in a group to fun activities.

If you can’t do that, I do suggest you consider some therapy at this point. Three years is a long time to mourn the break up of any relationship. In your case, it is preventing you from experiencing an important period of personal growth and development. You can and will find real love. But only if you make yourself available for it.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 25 May 2014

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2014). Unable to Forget Him and Move On. Psych Central. Retrieved on November 28, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2014/05/25/unable-to-forget-him-and-move-on/