From the U.S: I have been in a relationship for around 18 months. The girl I am with is wonderful for me. However lately I don’t “want” to be around her, and literally want her to leave the longer I am with her, such as for a weekend. It helps a bit when we spend time apart, but the more time we spend together the more I quite literally need her to leave, so much so that I get disgusted to kiss her or do anything else. I do not think this is fair to her, and want these feelings to go away but they have not for a couple months now. She fits everything that I thought I “wanted” but now I’m so confused. Should I end it permanently? We’ve already tried getting in better shape, trying to be spontaneous and things like that. I care so much about her and I don’t want to have to change her completely just to get this feeling to go away. What do I do?
A: She’s everything you’ve always wanted, but you find that you don’t want her? No wonder you are confused. I can think of two possibilities:
First, that having everything you want in a relationship is scary. You are in your mid-twenties, a time when lots of people start thinking of settling down and getting married. If you don’t feel ready to make that type of commitment, you may be coming up with these feelings to help you out of what could be a very promising permanent relationship.
The other possibility is that what you’ve always wanted isn’t what you want now. People do change as they mature. Perhaps you are telling yourself that you need to rethink what you are looking for in a mate.
As for what to do: It sounds like the issue is in your head, not that there is something wrong with this young woman. It’s only fair to share your confusion and to take ownership of its cause. She may think enough of you to be willing to wait for you to get your head and heart straight in the hope that you will want to be with her. But I do suggest that it’s only fair to put a time limit on the waiting.
I hope you will take the time for personal reflection — and maybe a few sessions of therapy — to figure out your feelings.
I wish you well.
Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 4 May 2014
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2014). Should I End This Relationship?. Psych Central. Retrieved on January 27, 2015, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2014/05/04/should-i-end-this-relationship/