Never Been in a Relationship

By Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I am a 19 year old female who has never been in a relationship and I’m having a hard time understanding why. I’ve been a party girl since the age of 14, I am very well liked by a lot of people. I have the best friends that anyone can ever ask for. I am confident with the way that I look. In my life I have talked to a lot of guys only took a few serious but never had a serious relationship with them and got my feelings hurt by them. For the pass year and a half I have not taken not one guys serious, In fact I’ve started to not care about guys and how they feel. Lately I only want to have sex with them and only see them in that way. Which is pretty sad because I wasn’t this way before. Sometimes I really want a relationship but I am very very scared as soon as I start to have feelings for a guy I feel my self distancing my self from that person and cutting them off from one day to another. This really frustrates me so much to the point that I sometimes cry. My friends and family don’t have an answer for me because they’ve never felt the way that I do. They have all experienced normal relationships and fell In love with their partner and the whole 9 yards. But me? That was never the case. I’m terrified of commitment but I wish I knew a way that I can over this fear. My fear with commitment hasn’t only been with guys it’s been jobs, and even school. I don’t have a hard time keeping my friends that I’ve had for 7 years but I haven’t really made new ones either. I have suffered from depression the pass year I ended up in a psych wars for attempting to commit suicide. After the psych ward I joined a therapy group for a couple of months. That went wonderful for me and has helped me so much. I have no been feeling depressed and have not had any thoughts of suicide. In the process of getting help I was diagnosed with ADHD which made sense looking back at my behavior towards school, but I know that has nothing to do with my relationship fear. I’m sorry if I confused anyone, I am a very confused person my self!

A: For somebody who says they’re confused you seem to have a lot of the pieces of the puzzle together! Let’s see if we can break this down.

First and foremost, if you’re using sex to keep people away then it will be hard to make a connection with someone where sex enhances your intimacy rather than limits it. For this reason you may want to limit your promiscuity.

Secondly, you’re experience in group therapy, which I think is exactly the right therapy for you, sounded extremely helpful. I would find a way to put group therapy back in your life.

Last, but not least, a diagnosis of ADHD means that some of the symptoms you’ve described, along with some of your thinking patterns, may be very treatable. I would go back to the person who diagnosed you and seek treatment.

My guess is that these three things combined should be very helpful.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive
Blog @ PsychCentral

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 14 Apr 2014

APA Reference
Tomasulo, D. (2014). Never Been in a Relationship. Psych Central. Retrieved on December 21, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2014/04/14/never-been-in-a-relationship/