My Boyfriend Wants a Threesome with His Ex-Fling

By Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

My boyfriend/baby’s father has always asked for a threesome. I declined at first only because it was to soon for my comfort. I’ve agreed to have a threesome with him now simply because the idea of it sparks my interest. But the girl he suggested is someone who he has had sex with (they weren’t dating though) previously and is also. A close friend of his family. At first I was okay with it. She would text “us” on his phone a couple times per week about all the things she wanted to do with “us.” But I wanted it to be someone we don’t have to deal with regularly, but he says the only reason he has continued messaging her is. So that things aren’t awkward. He has cheated on me in the past so I worry that he will cheat on me and does it anyway if I refuse. But it just. Feels like he is trying to find. A way around cheating on me. Can we have a threesome with his previously fling and still manage a good, healthy relationship?

A: Thank you for writing us and trusting me with your question. The fact that you say you’re only agreeing to this because you’re afraid, and that it really isn’t that the two of you together who want to do this — already spells trouble. You are entering into this feeling coerced, even if you were a bit interested. Think about it, if this were really something the two of you wanted to do together, then both of you would have equal say.

Let’s review:
1. You don’t trust him.
2. You feel coerced into doing this.
3. You think he will cheat on you and this is just a way of getting around it.
4. You had no say in choosing this person.

Capitulation and consent does not equal choice and partnership. The relationship doesn’t sound healthy now — and the way this is being arranged doesn’t seem like it will help it.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 27 Mar 2014

APA Reference
Tomasulo, D. (2014). My Boyfriend Wants a Threesome with His Ex-Fling. Psych Central. Retrieved on November 22, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2014/03/27/my-boyfriend-wants-a-threesome-with-his-ex-fling/