Boyfriend Still Keeps In Touch with Exes

By Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

My boyfriend (61yrs. old-like me) keeps in touch with some of his ex-girlfriends (he never married) on Facebook and even though I’m on too, his girlfriends don’t know he has a girlfriend–they (some are married) make references about old times, how handsome he sill is, etc.–then he always “likes” these comments!–they private message him too! Even though he tells me, I get upset that they don’t know about me–I have no problem that he stays in touch-just acknowledge me. Some have even asked him out for drinks! He knows this hurts me, but he claims he loves me, he’s with me, I should trust him and it’s no big deal–he doesn’t follow up on their requests(although he messaged one “sounds good, I’ll call you”-which I accidentally saw when I was on his computer with him at his place)- I was very upset why he didn’t say “can my girlfriend come?”- I’m not in touch with anyone from my past and there’s nobody in his face to make him insecure/nervous; and if I were, they would surely know about him. How can I get past this/what more can I do? This makes me insecure and my trust level low, because I’ve had many past relationships when I didn’t know my boyfriends had girlfriends/ fiancĂ©s-I was the hidden one; and 2 marriages with both husbands who cheated (he knows this!) Everything else with him is fantastic–other than this “elephant in the room”.

A: It’s important not to minimize that your boyfriend is ignoring your discomfort. If he’s not willing to say he’s in a committed relationship with you, then he isn’t. I would be clear with him that you don’t want to be kept a secret and that it’s troublesome for you to see this contact with other women where you are not acknowledged. If he’s unwilling to make your relationship known, then you have a decision to make. It is either a deal-breaker or you stay in the relationship but let him know that you plan to have the same right and freedom as him: Namely, to have contact with male friends and not inform them that you are in a relationship.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 26 Mar 2014

APA Reference
Tomasulo, D. (2014). Boyfriend Still Keeps In Touch with Exes. Psych Central. Retrieved on September 18, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2014/03/26/boyfriend-still-keeps-in-touch-with-exes/