As a kid I had a lot of problems, constant bullying at school and anger management meant I felt alone a lot of the time. But there’s something that really sticks, a woman’s voice inside my head. It’d begin really quietly almost whispering to me then slowly getting louder, just giving me random commands that made no sense, like go downstairs. This was coupled with this obsession with being several millennia old and some kind of demigod. I know normally anyone would brush this off as just some kind of over-active imagination, but the latter half continued until I was about 15.
My memory is terrible too, to the point where I can only remember a couple of events from anything that’s over 3-4 years ago, we’re talking I can’t even remember my classmates. I’d really like to know anything I can about this, and if this was some form of schizophrenia. I’m too terrified to go to a consultant about it and I’d really like to find out more about it.
Whilst I feel like I’m a lot better now, I still show traits that I don’t feel are normal. I don’t really feel bad about anything, like if I hurt people’s feelings, I don’t feel bad for them at all. I have to suppress the urge to try and manipulate people and my closest friends say that they are sometimes still scared of me. I’ve spoken about this to a few people (mostly just people I know) and they’ve all said it’s probably some kind of personality disorder.
Anything to clear any of this up would be extremely appreciated. Thanks in advance.
A. There are three possible explanations of the woman’s voice: (1) you were hearing voices and it was a sign of psychosis; (2) it was your imagination; and or (3) it was a defense mechanism that developed in response to the trouble you faced as a youth. I suspect that it was a combination of two and three but there’s no way to determine that with certainty.
People with schizophrenia have both symptoms of psychosis, which often include delusions or hallucinations, and trouble functioning in life. They experience difficulty concentrating, which in a school or a work setting might lead to them dropping out of school or quitting their jobs.
People with schizophrenia also exhibit poor social functioning.
If the voice had been your only symptom, then it’s unlikely that schizophrenia would have been the appropriate diagnosis.
Though you no longer hear the voice, you’re now concerned about other symptoms. These new symptoms may indicate that you have a personality disorder, but more information would be necessary to make that determination.
You said that you “don’t really feel bad about…hurt[ing] people’s feelings.” Have there been occasions in which you have hurt people’s feelings and if so, under what circumstances? Did you do it on purpose? Did you gain pleasure from it? What were the outcomes of those situations?
You said that your friends are scared of you. In what way are they scared? Is it because you have out-of-control anger issues? Have you harmed them? I would need more specific information about the situations in which your friends were frightened of you to know if a problem exists.
Generally speaking, it’s concerning that your friends are frightened of you and that you don’t feel sorry for hurting their feelings, but more information is necessary to determine if your symptoms are indicative of a personality disorder.
You are “terrified” to see a consultant. By consultant, I’m assuming you mean mental health professional. There’s no reason to be terrified. The primary goal of all mental health professionals is to help people overcome their symptoms.
It would be advantageous for you to consult a mental health professional. He or she would gather detailed information about your psychosocial history and use it to answer your specific questions about having a personality disorder.
If you’re concerned about scaring your friends and/or hurting their feelings, then the most responsible course of action is to seek help. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle
Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 24 Mar 2014
Randle, K. (2014). Problems Had as a Child, Would Really Like Answers. Psych Central. Retrieved on September 17, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2014/03/24/problems-had-as-a-child-would-really-like-answers/