How to Address a ‘Husband’s Female Friend’ Situation?

By Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

My husband has a female friend and they have been close before we got married. They have helped each other in many of their problems and I knew how their friendship was. They’ve supported each other in issues like death in the family, financial problems, work problems since they were also co-workers at that time and marital problems since she was married and had a 2 year old son.

Their friendship seems like any other but there are three things that has made me uncomfortable and has made me to take offense about their relationship.
1. Before my husband and i got married, she expressed thoughtless and unfair comments about me, my looks and my character even when she hasn’t personally met me during that time.
2. She would constantly message my husband. I was able to read some of their messages, though there wasn’t anything trivial, I find it odd that my husband and her would talk about their daily activities.
3. When we go out as a group, she would talk to him about things that only both of them knew, leaving us out. It’s frustrating.

My husband hasn’t taken me for granted but he has told me about his attraction for her, how he would’ve tried to date her if only she wasn’t married. Knowing that, hurts me even more.

I tried to express my feelings about their relationship, but it always ends up in a fight or a bad argument. I acknowledge this as a problem and I want it solved but I don’t know what to do and how to do it. Please help me.

A: Thank you for sending your situation here. You have a genuine reason to be concerned. Everything you’ve written about this relationship with his friend amounts to an emotional affair. His emotional connection to her is leaving you feel excluded. Regardless of the fact that this upsets him — his anger shouldn’t be a deterrent for you expressing your concern. Just because he’s angry doesn’t mean his position is correct. I would highly recommend couple counseling so that a neutral third-party can help the two of you move past this. Emotional affairs can cripple a couple, and I’d recommend seeing a counselor sooner rather than later.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 23 Mar 2014

APA Reference
Tomasulo, D. (2014). How to Address a ‘Husband’s Female Friend’ Situation?. Psych Central. Retrieved on November 28, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2014/03/23/how-to-address-a-husbands-female-friend-situation/