In Love with 2 Men & Confused

By Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I will try & make this as short as I can. I have an old friend who is deeply in love with me, I would describe him as the perfect guy who loves me beyond words. I know he would do anything for me & for him I am the one. I have a deep love for him, he is my best friend & means the world to me. I do love him & for me he is my safe choice. I know he wouldnt hurt me. Due to things in life we were unable to be together but planned on it when we could. In the meantime I met someone else and fell in love with right away. It’s one of those relationships that start out way to fast & crash & burn. We break up and than go back to each other. We ended things and I got with the 1st guy. I do want to spend my life with him when we can, but at the moment my heart can’t let go of the other man. I recently told him I wasn’t happy & ended things, we’ve had no contact in a few days and now Im missing him and want to reach out to him. I even miss the fighting. I NEVER have fought with the first guy. Im perfect in his eyes. I feel so guilty for loving both of these men. I know the 2nd is no good for me & yet I still love him. I don’t know what to do. PLEASE HELP!

A: Sorry to bust your bubble on this – but to be in love with two men is to be in love with neither. While it looks like a tug of war between the two, it is likely to be more of a struggle you are having with intimacy.

Look at the glowing terms with which you describe your old friend. Perfect; loves you beyond words; you’d do anything for each other; best friend; safe. Now look at the words to describe the other guy: Crash and burn; when you can; fighting; guilty; no good for me. Man. Not even close. If the first guy was so perfect why would there be room for the second so-so one? If the first one is really everything you said, then how could you “fall in love” with the second? When people are truly in love it is like an inoculation against outside interference.

My best guess is that the old friend stirred you very deeply, perhaps very real feelings of intimacy that upset you. The second man is a spoiler – used to sabotage the feelings for your old friend. I don’t think the question is: “How can you love two men?” Rather: “Why did the relationship with my old friend cause me to want to sabotage it?”

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 4 Mar 2014

APA Reference
Tomasulo, D. (2014). In Love with 2 Men & Confused. Psych Central. Retrieved on November 21, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2014/03/04/in-love-with-2-men-confused/