Is Aspergers Incompatible with Finding Love?

By Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I have aspergers syndrome and I have never been in a relationship before. I’ve been turned down by nearly every girl I’ve asked out even though I’ve been trying to get a girlfriend for seven years now. I met one person at my college a couple of years ago that I really connected with and still deeply care for, to the point where last night I even dreamed about her, and of course in the dream she rejected me again. Even though it has been nearly a year since then and her and I have remained good friends, it has still been eating away at me since then. I did attempt to find another relationship, one girl asked me out but it didn’t even make it to a first date because she was so over the top dramatic she literally induced a stress related illness in me. (which I found out later she does to everyone she asks out) Since then I’ve been feeling progressively more hopeless and I’m honestly doubting whether I’ll ever find someone I’m compatible with.

A: Of course an Aspie can find love. I know many who have romantic partners and many who are married and have children. There really is someone for everyone out there. It just takes some patience to find them.

You are only 20. Contrary to what you see on TV and the movies, it is not at all unusual for someone not to have had a relationship by then. Please relax. You have plenty of time.

Part of your problem is that you are too focused on “getting” a girlfriend. It rarely happens that way. The most stable love relationships are those that evolve naturally out of a friendship. Slow down. Instead of pursuing love, pursue friendships. That means joining some activity where there are both men and women who enjoy the same things you do. Colleges are full of service organizations, clubs, political causes, and activities where people get together to share experiences, develop their talents and find friends who share their interests. When people are focused on staging an event, doing a project, or building a team to accomplish a task, there are lots of opportunities to talk and get to know each other without the pressure of dating. Over time, some of those relationships blossom into romance.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 27 Feb 2014

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2014). Is Aspergers Incompatible with Finding Love?. Psych Central. Retrieved on October 22, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2014/02/27/is-aspergers-incompatible-with-finding-love/