Very Bad Anxiety Over a Girl

By Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Hi. I’m a male age 30. Love marriage, my wife love me a lot and I also love her too much. The problem is last year one of my coworker got close to me and she told me her all problem. Her life is kind of in a bad situation and as friend I tried to be there whenever she need me one thing led to another we got little physical, even though we made it very clear that we are doing it for fun nothing else. We use to meet once or twice in a month, that also she who uses to ask me. I never made effort to meet her. I think she started falling in love with me or may be I’m wrong. Coz I never text her its always she who message me and make plan to meet. Anyway now I decided to stop this move on and don’t want to do this anymore. She shifted to another office and recently we had fight over some random issue and I didn’t contact her after that, but earlier she use to contact me in situation but this time its been more than a week she didn’t message me.in a way I’m happy that’s its getting over and I want to come clean but here comes the problem. The thought about she with another guy is gives me very bad anxiety and also my biggest worry is I would see her with someone and its killing. I know it all sound stupid and I know I’m a very bad person or call me evil and I made big mistake in life and I’m ready to do change. My guilty and anxiety is killing me every day. Please help me.

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A: You’re not bad or evil, but you are confused. Saying that you love your wife very much, then having the affair, is like pointing the front wheels of your car in different directions. Nothing good can happen when they are not aligned.

It sounds like there is still a decision to be made. The decision has to do with whether you really want to stay married. It’s not a question of trying to reduce the anxiety about the other woman, but rather – do you want to completely invest in your marriage?

The likely reason the affair took place was because there’s something not satisfying in your primary relationship. If that isn’t attended to it won’t matter what you do with this other woman because the core issue will still be there.

I suggest you put first things first. Decide if you really want to stay married and be in a completely committed relationship. If that doesn’t suit you, then decide how you want to address that. Obviously having some therapy along the way for this kind of difficult decision would be helpful.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 19 Feb 2014

APA Reference
Tomasulo, D. (2014). Very Bad Anxiety Over a Girl. Psych Central. Retrieved on November 22, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2014/02/19/very-bad-anxiety-over-a-girl/