Can’t Trust Boyfriend

By Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

My boyfriend and I have been together almost a year. When we were together for about 4 months, my grandmother in a different state became ill and was in the hospital. My family and I went to see her for the weekend. While I was away I found out my boyfriend lied to me. He told me he went and had a beer while I was away… when I came to find out he actually got a lil tipsy and one of our friends had to give him a ride home he was so drunk and couldn’t drive. I was very upset, but forgave and moved on. That Monday my grandmother died. So I had to go again for the weekend for the viewing… and while I was gone he did the same thing. He lied, got drunk and this time he drove home drunk. I was very upset that he did this while I was dealing with my grandmother’s illness and then her death.
Then I found emails he sent to craigslist personal ads. Some of them even had pics of himself attached. He claimed he was hacked. Since his google account was synced with his phone a hacker could get his pics and send them… I didn’t believe it and I was very hurt, but we moved on.
I was starting to trust him again and I had won tickets to a show. I went and he was already supposed to go bowling on his league that night. He told me he wasnt drinking since he had to work the next day.
Well I was our ride home that night and as soon as he got in the car i could tell he was drunk. He told me he had only 3 beers… then about an hour later it changed to 3 beers and two shots. Finally the next day he told me he had 3 beers and a total of about 7 shots. In the process of trying to get him to tell me the truth, he broke a door to the china cabinet and a door to the basement.

Well all my trust I had for him was gone… again. And then he gets mad that I question everything he does.
I always wonder when his phone goes off, I wonder what he’s doing or who hes talking to when Im not around. Im afraid to even go somewhere for the night, or even on a weekend beach trip with friends because I know its when Im away from him that he lies or does something he shouldnt.
He says he is done drinking now, and he deleted that email account and doesnt have his accounts synced up anymore and there hasn’t been any emails since.
But how do I get him to understand that I am uncomfortable and I am going to question everything? And how do I get to trust him again?
I love him with everything and we bought a house together and I want to make it work but I just dont know how to if I cant trust him. What can we do to make this work, to get me to trust him fully again?

Thanks for reading this and thanks for the help in advance.

A: It sounds like you may have given your boyfriend too many chances. It makes sense to me that you would remain skeptical about his recovery, and his fidelity.

I think if you are going to go forward you may want to get the opinion of a good couples counselor. Use the find help tab at the top of this page to help you locate someone in your area with that specialty.

To be honest, your boyfriend sounds like he has a long way to go. The fact that he gets angry at you illustrates that he may not understand how his behavior affects others.

I would strongly recommend you see a couples counselors sooner than later. If your boyfriend refuses to go, you may want to consider going for yourself to develop support as you decide how –- or if — you want to proceed with the relationship.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 25 Dec 2013

APA Reference
Tomasulo, D. (2013). Can’t Trust Boyfriend. Psych Central. Retrieved on December 28, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2013/12/25/cant-trust-boyfriend-2/