Boyfriend’s Changed

By Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year an three months now. We currently live together and have been generally happy with each other. The only thing is that sometimes my boyfriend in the past use to call me names or be mean to me for no reason at times and it would completely tear me down. He use to look at other girls in front of me and use the excuse I can’t help it because I’m a guy. I don’t care if he looks at other girls but in front of me? Really? I spoil him so much and buy him almost everything and I don’t ever expect anything in return because I love him and care. He is paying the rent which is understandable on to why he doesn’t have money to ever spend on me but whenever he has money it’s always on himself. I just feel like he can be so selfish at times and it hurts me because I love him & whenever I call him selfish he yells back at me and says I need to stop buying him things and that I’m the one who’s causing him to be selfish. His anger gets the best of him and I hate it. I love him so much but he’s hurt me so much emotionally I feel so defeated. We got into it two days ago and he threaten to take my keys and that he did I had to chase after him and he’s stopped me from leaving so many times like unplug my battery terminal or deflate my car tires like its getting crazy. I just gave him another chance because I want to believe he can change. He doesn’t have many friends, and he told me before therapist have told him he wouldn’t do good in relationships. I just don’t know anymore. We have so much invested in each other and my family even got him a car. But every time we fight he wants everything back and I just tell him to keep everything, and I’ll just leave. He doesn’t treat me that great why can’t he just change?

A: You’re asking the wrong question if you’re asking why can’t he just change? The real question is why are you still there? You say you love him but these systemic issues are sounding like anything but love. If you’re not being treated well and are fighting all the time, I would challenge your definition of love. He sounds like more of a habit you have than a partner you can love.

I think it is time to reevaluate the quality of your relationship and make your decision from there.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 21 Dec 2013

APA Reference
Tomasulo, D. (2013). Boyfriend’s Changed. Psych Central. Retrieved on July 23, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2013/12/21/boyfriends-changed/

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