Mistrustful Fiance

By Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

This is crazy because i have been with my Fiance for four years and engaged for two. In the beginning of the relationship with Fiance I had just broke off a previous relationship with someone else and the ex didn’t want to let me go so he would constantly call my phone and was bothering me. My fiance was getting really upset so I changed my phone number, moved in with him and started our life together.

He has two children with two diff moms and I accepted that and we have been together ever since. But since the beginning of the relationship, he has been accusing me of cheating or what not. I always tried to convince him that I never ever cheated. He never believed! I am constantly abused mentally by him saying awful things about me, he says that I slept with my boss, my co-workers or even some invisible men that never even existed. Of course, last night he accused me again of cheating with one of my co-workers. The co-worker he refers to is someone I have to communicate with for work purposes.

My fiance constantly goes through my phone and has access to all my emails and he even checks my call logs by going on the phone internet site. I have never cheated on him but he always assumed I did. Last night we were fighting about this co-worker again and my fiance said I cheated because I text the co-worker and sometimes gave a smiley face or used “lol” in couple of my sentences. I did nothing with bad intentions!

I don’t get it, why does he think because I text him but only for work purposes is considered cheating? I work at a lawyers office and many times the co-worker was at court and I had to communicate with him via-text and if I gave a smiley face, for example: If one of our client was nothing but stress and headache he would text me saying the case is resolved, no need to deal with him or her anymore, I would reply and say Thank God and a :). Is that so wrong? because I did not do it with no bad intent. I am just really confused because to the point where he keeps accusing me, I even told him I would take a lie detector test to prove my innocence.

Please help me because at times he loses his temper and he really scares me. Last night, he flipped the dining table over because he insisted that I agree with him that “it is considered cheating if I text another man or give smiley faces or say “lol”. I denied to agree because I didn’t cheat and have been with only him for four years and NO ONE ELSE EVER!!! What Should I Do? I cried a lot because he said so many awful things about me in which I refuse to mention here because it is so bad! I am lost and I am hurt and I am starting to feel like I am not worth it or maybe I did do something wrong.

A: What I think you should do is get out of this relationship immediately. Your fiance is insecure and controlling. I’m guessing that he was badly burned in his prior relationships and now thinks that all women are cheaters. Yes, that makes his anxiety somewhat understandable. But it doesn’t give him the right to be constantly grilling you, monitoring your phone calls, and threatening you. That table going over should have been the very last straw!

You have done nothing wrong. You don’t deserve to be treated this way. No one does. You shouldn’t have to constantly prove your innocence to a man who says he loves you. You are a working woman which means you will have work relationships that need your attention. I hope you also have friends and family to talk to and spend time with. That’s only normal.

Marrying him will mean a lifetime of dealing with accusations and fear. You deserve better. If you have children, they shouldn’t have this kind of destructive relationship as a role model for adult behavior and marriage.

If you can’t extricate yourself, please look for some help. Call this hotline to find out what resources are near you: 201-333-5700.

Erase this message from your logs. Men like your fiance sometimes get very, very angry when they discover that their girlfriend has looked for some help.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 27 Nov 2013

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2013). Mistrustful Fiance. Psych Central. Retrieved on October 20, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2013/11/27/mistrustful-fiance/