I’ve been depressed for most of my life, but within the last couple of years, I’ve been clinically depressed. During this period, I’ve not had many days where I feel content. For the past couple of months, I have been wondering why I’m even alive. My problem is I don’t feel I belong here. I don’t fit in anywhere. I’ve got issues from my past that I cannot let go of, and I don’t know how to move on. Actually, I don’t feel I can move on. I feel disconnected from family, which I don’t know why. All I can think of is that I’m a bad person. I don’t feel like my mom loves or likes me. I could be wrong, but that is how I feel. I think that maybe she doesn’t forgive me for certain things, but she has forgiven my brother for the very same wrongs. I just don’t feel human. I feel if my own mom can’t like me, never wants to see me happy, then I must be an awful person. I feel like as long as I’m living how she thinks I should live, then it’s ok with her that I am miserable in life. I don’t even believe she would care if I died. And this is not the only issue. I just don’t like myself. I am never as good as anyone else. Things that other people deserve , I don’t deserve them. I don’t even feel in control of my own life. This is what hurts the most. I feel I am better off dead. I feel like if I’m having so many issues, can’t be who I need to be to be accepted at least by my mom, then I don’t need to be here. I’m worthless, and I don’t think I’ll ever feel differently. My soul, mind, everything has been completely shattered beyond repair. I can’t ever heal from everything I’ve been through. I can’t ask for help from anyone because it may be wrong that I’m going to strangers as opposed to family, even though other family members have friends that they can talk to. I mean nothing to anyone and I just don’t want to go on anymore. Not like this. I don’t know how to change me to where life is comfortable for me. I don’t know what to do anymore. My heart is telling me that life is over for me. That I should just die. Please help me understand how to live with everything I have on my plate. Thanks.
A. You have been dealing with depression for most of your life but it seems that you have yet to receive professional help. You should not have waited. Depression is a very treatable condition.
Lately, you’ve noticed it’s getting worse. It’s gotten to the point where you don’t think life is worth living. It’s important to understand that depression can cloud judgment. Much of what has led you to feel as though life is not worth living is based on your feeling that you don’t belong, that your mother doesn’t love you and that no one would care if you ceased to exist.
There is a high probability that your judgment about how your family feels about you and how you perceive yourself is wrong because of your depression. You don’t feel like your mother loves you but what is that feeling based on? What evidence do you have to support your ideas? What you feel to be true and what you fear might be true may not match up with what is true.
You also don’t think you’re as “good as anyone else.” That is how depressed people feel. They don’t think they’re worthy of life and they often deem themselves as being worthless. They often feel that there is no hope for them. But they are wrong, very wrong.
It is vitally important that you consult a mental health professional as soon as possible. The major concern is your not wanting to live. If you feel that you might harm yourself, then go to the emergency room or call 911 immediately.
Many people with depression feel the way you do. They don’t feel that life is worth living and they don’t feel hopeful. Once they begin treatment, they quickly realize just how clouded their judgment had been. They begin to see that their lives can improve.
You shouldn’t have waited so long to receive help. The moment that you suspected depression is when you should have sought professional treatment.
If you are open to treatment, there is a great deal of hope for you. I suspect that much of what you believe to be true about yourself is the result of an inaccurate perception of reality. Therapy can help you see the truth and live a good life. I wish you the best of luck and hope that you will take my advice and seek help immediately. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice Blog
Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 31 Oct 2013
Randle, K. (2013). Yet to Get Help for Depression. Psych Central. Retrieved on March 10, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2013/10/31/yet-to-get-help-for-depression/