Have I Become Asexual?

By Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I have been divorced for 6.5 years. I had a couple of relationships soon after my divorce but I haven’t dated anyone in a long time. I’ve found that decent men in their 40′s and 50′s (meaning w/ good personalities, jobs, not substance abusers, decent looks) only date women in their 20′s & 30′s. I’m 44 and I used to be pretty, but now it seems I’m invisible to men under 65. I was sad for a while about losing my looks and becoming undesirable to men, but over time I became more accustomed to the idea of being alone. Just in the last couple of months, I’ve found that I no longer find anyone attractive and I never think about sex. The thought of sex has become very repulsive to me. Is it possible for someone to become asexual because they aren’t desirable? Or could something else like the start of menopause be the cause?

A: Sure. Someone can become asexual. But it’s not inevitable. You’ve had some disappointments. Sadly, you’ve accepted the idea that you’ve “lost your looks” and can’t be attractive to decent men. Wrong. The right kind of man is interested in finding a woman who has an interesting history and who can share his memories of cultural moments (the music, the politics, the way things have changed) with someone else who has been there and done that.

Please don’t give up on men and on sexuality. Get involved in activities where you will meet other people in middle age. When the focus in on the activity, not on dating, people often make friendships that evolve into romance. Consider a dating service. And by all means, let your friends know that you are available and looking for a man who is mature enough to value an equally mature woman.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 25 Oct 2013

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2013). Have I Become Asexual?. Psych Central. Retrieved on July 25, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2013/10/25/have-i-become-asexual/