Pregnant and Feeling Abandoned

By Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I have been with my boyfriend on and off for 10 years since we were 19/22 we are now 29/32 I’m older. We had resolved most of our issues and were in a great place together. Last November he had decided that he was ready to be a father and threw my Birth Control pill out the window. We didn’t get pregnant for a few months till Feb. 2013. during this same time he lost his job and started working for a friend’s shop. We were still really excited about the baby coming. Then the shop was not making money and my boyfriend was not bringing in a paycheck to help out.

I tried to keep my mouth shut while he was doing this but I started to ask what was going to happen. He couldn’t just keep volunteering at the shop. He had a baby girl coming in Nov. He got mad and decided to push me away and avoid the situation. He went to live with his parents and I went to mine. He said “You do you and I’ll do me”. I have tried not to be upset but he has not been there for me at all like I did something wrong.

He comes to some of the appointments if I pick him up and make sure he is there. Then just last Saturday I went to ask him to put air in my tires for me and his sister said that he is not there. he didn’t tell you he went to Tennesse to pick up a boat with a friend and then get drop off in Colorado with another friend he has not seen in 6 years and then be back a week before the due date in November.

I want to cry, be angry, and hate him but I am having his child and I want to have a healthy child. I am doing all I can to stay sane but am finding it very difficult to rationalize his actions. I don’t know what to do now other then wait for the baby to come and see if he changes his mind but I am not sure that I will have anything left for him but resentment that he abandoned me when I needed him the most. Any help is greatly appreciated.

A: As one of my teachers used to say, “When things are easy, they are easy, It’s when things get hard that you find out what someone is made of.” As long as your boyfriend had a job and felt like he was a contributing partner, the two of you made a fine team. My guess is that when he lost his job, he got scared that he couldn’t manage the responsibilities of fatherhood. Instead of talking to you about it and working to solve the problem with you, he vanished. You stopped being a team, working on the same side to solve the problem. Instead, you started being on opposing sides, fighting with each other.

I don’t know if you two can put this back together. He certainly made a big statement by leaving town. Perhaps he’ll use the time away to think things through and will come back ready to work on your relationship. Maybe not. Meanwhile, you need to figure out how you are going to manage as a single mom just in case. Either way, he is the father of your child and you’ll need to work out finances and care of the child you both decided to bring into the world.

For that to work, I think you two should get into couples therapy. You couldn’t make a commitment to each other. How are you both going to make a commitment to this child? A therapist will give you support and practical advice while you figure it out.

In spite of all the emotional pain and anxiety this is giving you, I hope you will find moments of joy in these last months of your pregnancy. It’s a very special time. Identify a close friend or family member to be your labor coach and get to birthing classes. If your boyfriend doesn’t come through, you will then have someone to lean on during labor and delivery and to share the joy of the birth of your baby.

I wish you a safe and joyful birth.
Dr. Marie

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 16 Oct 2013

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2013). Pregnant and Feeling Abandoned. Psych Central. Retrieved on September 15, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2013/10/16/pregnant-and-feeling-abandoned/