Is There a Way to Become More Stable?

By Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Hello! I really need to discuss this and I hope psychological help will relieve my issues in this situation. To get to the point, I have a friend who I really care about, a limerence towards him you can say or maybe more though I really despise saying it’s love and I rather not since it’s something I want to avoid, falling in love. My friend, Lets call him Ben, my friend Ben, I’ve known him since last year on 2012 September, I was really interested in him and developed feelings for him because he was just so realistic on topics that i never thought about, his logical atmosphere and his childish ways just won my heart on October of 2012 I think. I admitted my feelings for him on 2013 on March but the worst part was he gave me no definite answers towards his feelings towards me, not a yes or no, just that hes not interested in dating anyone, I wasn’t interested in dating anyone either, I just could not keep those feelings for him in secret any longer. I’ve tried ways to stop my feelings for him like avoiding him, talking less with him, frankly it only made the situation worse. I would cry at the fact that my emotions were becoming so foolish because I want to talk to him like a friend but I become afraid of what I would say and incredibly nervous around him. I admit we do chat one in awhile but I feel empty sometimes because I know I can do much better but I blank out on it. This year, when I barely started school this year, I could barely utter any words to him except hi because I blank out on what I want to say to him and I get nervous, I feel as though I hate him so much for the way he makes me feel, the way he talks, he gave me a new mindset and I don’t know what to do. I really care about him, I really do, I just want these feelings to go away, I know I will never have a chance with him and I know a friend of mine likes him a lot too. What should I do? I need emotional help. Ben. I sometimes feel like he hates me because I won’t talk to him directly and I understand that, I am coward for not attempting and I really need help. Ever since I was little I had trouble keeping conversations going and pretty shy towards anyone. I love all my friends dearly and yet I feel so needy around them, like everything I do is a mistake and I get emotional easily, sometimes I feel left out but I kinda stopped caring about it so much and started being much more independent. I need help and I hope you can help me with Ben, I feel like I’m falling apart because I can’t be normal around him. It gets worse the more days that pass by, I miss him extremely and yet I’m scared of having a conversation with him.

A: I appreciate your letter because I can hear the ambivalence and frustration in trying to communicate your thoughts and feelings.

However, Ben isn’t making you feel anything at all. You are interpreting his reaction in a way that’s causing you to react. This is an important distinction. You get to choose how you respond to him, and it seems as if your thoughts and feelings get gummed up with him on a regular basis.

Because of this I would recommend you take the time to write all your thoughts and feelings down on a sheet of paper that you are not going to share with anyone else. Writing has the ability to help us organize our thoughts as we express them.

After this I would craft a very brief letter describing your feelings for Ben, and then decide if you want to share this letter with him.

It may be that expressing your feelings and writing is better than trying to do them face-to-face.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 10 Oct 2013

APA Reference
Tomasulo, D. (2013). Is There a Way to Become More Stable?. Psych Central. Retrieved on November 24, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2013/10/10/is-there-a-way-to-become-more-stable/