I have been married for a few years and 2 1/2 years ago my husband confessed to cheating with my best friend. They slept together 1 month before we were married and 1 month after we married. I also confessed that I cheated before we were married. He claims he did not have a reason for it, it just happen. We have since become Christians and have a decent marriage and have forgiven each other. But I can’t seem to forget. I keep holding on to the hurt not because it was my best friend, but because he violated our vows. And now I apply my trust issues to everything. Every time he doesn’t answer the phone or leaves home, I think he may be cheating. I don’t confront him, but I feel that I have so much pent up anger towards him. I have recently let him know my hurts and he said that he would never cheat again, but why can’t I trust that. Besides the cheating, he has always been a trustworthy person, a great provider and father. He says that I am making a case in my head against him, but my defense is that I am preparing my self for the other show to drop. How do I get past this hurt and heal my marriage? I need to feel secure that it will never happen again, how do I do that?
A: Feeling secure that it will never happen again is not the appropriate goal in this instance. Rather, it is living with the vulnerability that each person in a relatioship lives with. Your partner might stray, cheat, get sick, pass away, or become depressed. We have no way of holding onto and managing the future.
However, sharing these vulnerabilities with each other and making a concerted effort to celebrate the time you have together, and also appreciating your life is very important. Here is a recent article I’ve written on what it takes to have good relationships that you may find interesting.
And here’s an interesting Ted talk by Dr. Brown on vulnerability.
Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 4 Oct 2013
Tomasulo, D. (2013). Trust is Affecting Everything. Psych Central. Retrieved on August 27, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2013/10/04/trust-is-affecting-everything/