I have been with my boyfriend for a year, and I find him to be the most loving and beautiful person I have been with. However, 8 have suspected him of lying several times and when I asked him about factual inconsistencies he becomes defensive. The stories involve his whereabouts usually. About 6 months ago, he told me he took his niece to a concert, texting me several times during the evening with updates. Last week, I found out he never took her and made everything up. He admitted lying and said he was embarrassed to tell me because her father showed up last minute, making my boyfriend look like a chump. I think he admitted it only because he was caught, leading me to believe the other times he was lying as well. He is otherwise perfect and recently supported me through a health scare. I find it very difficult to have a serious conversation about lying, and he says I need to stop assuming he is lying. Im afraid that if I stay with him, the lying will get worse and we will be married or have kids and I will regret my life with him.
A: Trust your instincts. You seem to have a very keen sense of when he is lying and when he isn’t. However, I will say that the pattern you’re describing with him sounds like his lying may be more than casual. I think I would have a very serious and clear discussion about how important and meaningful this is to you, and how your instincts are usually right. Let him know the next time would be a deal-breaker. Also, it’s important to realize how lame his excuse was for lying. Just because plans fell through with his niece doesn’t mean he needed to lie to you. Also, why the charade? It is one thing to lie; it is another thing to generate a fabrication in order to conceal it.
I would deal with this with him directly now. Trust is always at the center of being able to love someone.
Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 3 Oct 2013
Tomasulo, D. (2013). Caught Boyfriend Lying. Psych Central. Retrieved on March 9, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2013/10/03/caught-boyfriend-lying/