Trust Issues

By Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

My girlfriend and I have been together for two years, nine months to be exact. We have lived together for two of those years. Unfortunately the girl my significant other was seeing before we got together has been finding ways back into our relationship at “odd times.” Mind you, I do not participate in social media whatsoever while my partner is associated with a couple different sites and apps to keep in contact with people. One year ago I found out that my partner had hidden this individual’s name in a private app and were communicating back and forth. The girl even had pictures of our dog on her profile claiming the dog as hers, and my partner even went as far as saying ‘I love you.’ I confronted my girlfriend and she confessed they were in contact for only a month and she just needed someone to talk to because I was bringing too much stress home from my workplace. We sorted it and I asked her to please remove the girl from all forms of contact and that I wanted to see her show me that she wouldn’t be apart of our relationship once and for all. One year later, I still worry and I happened to see the girl’s blog and notice they had been talking since April 2012, and at the time everything surface. I haven’t confronted my girlfriend because she is defensive whenever I bring it up. But I worry because this girl’s post at that time had a picture of my parent’s backyard from my girlfriend’s pictures saying, “I wish I were with you.” I’m worried the tables will turn on me for snooping. My girlfriend is still very private about her belongings whereas I am an open book with her. Three months ago before she got a new phone (same number), she had a fishy cover up again in her contacts. My only friends are my co-works who are all over the age of sixty and none of them are aware of my dilemma because I am such a private person. Its unusual for me to resort to this sort of means but I pray every night that God will guide me. And perhaps he has guided me here. I just want to know how do I resolve and forgive and let things happen as they may? Did I mention she never even showed me that she removed everything? All she said is that the girl still follows her but she does not follow her back. I had to take her word for it. But I cant and that’s my problem. How do I bring this up to her? It’s challenging for me to be this dishonest in a relationship.

A: The trust with your girlfriend is ruptured and hasn’t been repaired. You walking around feeling like you can’t talk to her about her behaviors isn’t healthy for either of you. The lack of trust in her is a direct result of her behaviors. If it isn’t addressed, she will continue. You will continue to be resentful, and the long-term relationship will suffer.

I highly recommend a couples therapist to help you sort through these issues. I think going sooner rather than later to get this on the table is the way to go.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 15 Sep 2013

APA Reference
Tomasulo, D. (2013). Trust Issues. Psych Central. Retrieved on July 25, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2013/09/15/trust-issues-5/