Psych Central

Partner Quit One Drug, Still Doing Another

By Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I have been with my partner for 5 years. He is an electrician and started his own business in 2011. The business fell apart and he developed depression and cocaine addiction which shocked me and all our family. Our relationship fell apart and i moved out. He recovered 4 months later and we got back together. He relapsed within a month. I moved 300 miles away to live with my parents. He got better and now we are in a long distance relationship. Things are going great and he is working as an electrician again. The trouble is he smokes weed 2-3 times a month when i am not with him and i can’t cope with it. He needs therapy but will not go. He wants to move down with me and start a new life and said he will give up weed once he is living with me again. What shall i do?

A: This man is one very lucky guy. You’ve stuck with him through some really rough times. From my point of view, he isn’t appreciating your loyalty and love enough. He’ll stop smoking after you move in together??? Please. He should be cleaning up his act 100 percent both for his own good health and for the health of your relationship. He hasn’t “recovered” if he is still using weed as a crutch. Not going to therapy when it is obvious he has important personal work to do is a red flag as well.

I think you should take a step back and let him do his share of the work for this relationship. That means to stop using any drugs (including weed), doing his therapy, and above all showing you that he is serious about taking charge of himself so that he can be the kind of partner you deserve. Don’t believe promises. Insist on action.

It will be hard for you to draw a boundary like this. But I really do think it’s better to do it now than to be fighting with him after you move in.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

Photo

 

 

Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 25 Aug 2013

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2013). Partner Quit One Drug, Still Doing Another. Psych Central. Retrieved on April 18, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2013/08/25/partner-quit-one-drug-still-doing-another/