All of my life I have felt like a fraud. I have never been comfortable in my own skin, even with family. I am the consumate outsider, never good enough, never smart or strong enough, and never confident about the things that life says I should be confident with. I have failed so many times that I’ve lost count. My personal life has always been a disaster. If I ever formed an attachment to a woman and the feeling was mutual, I instantly pushed her away, as if saying “What’s wrong with you?? How can you be with me???” I always knew I’d make a bad husband, not because I was cruel, but because I can’t be close. Intimacy is my enemy. It made my wife so upset it almost destroyed her and our marriage. I don’t want to be alone, but I fear it’s my destiny, and best for those I love. I don’t know what to do.
A. Being alone is not your destiny. It might feel that way because you’re struggling but don’t assume it will always be this way.
Though you’ve experienced some of these problems for your entire life, it seems as though you’ve never tried therapy. Some people, despite lifelong personal problems, never enter therapy. They don’t even see it as an option.
People with legal problems hire a lawyer without hesitation. When someone has a toothache, they automatically consult a dentist. The same logic should apply to relationship or psychological problems. Therapists undergo years of rigorous professional training to assist people with psychological problems. If someone is experiencing psychological problems, they should consult an expert, a therapist.
Intimacy and relationship issues are some of the most common reasons people enter therapy. Therapy could be immensely beneficial to you.
The best way to find the right therapist is to contact at least five of them and ask many questions. Tell them what problems you would like help with and ask if they think they could help you. Request that they be specific about how they would help you. Other important questions to ask include: Have you helped others with similar problems? What were the outcomes of those cases? How often would our sessions be? How much do you charge? Choose a therapist with whom you feel the most comfortable and who seems the easiest to talk to.
Therapy can significantly expedite the problem-solving process. I hope you will consider it. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice Blog
Randle, K. (2013). Lacking Confidence. Psych Central. Retrieved on March 31, 2015, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2013/08/09/lacking-confidence/