Wondering If I Am Evil?
For a couple of years, my mind have been twisted. I see things, think things, which make me believe I’m not quite like the others. I’ve seen different people here who think they might be evil, but none of them really got quite the grasp of true, devastating evil.
No no, I’m not talking about the evil, crazy Doctor, building a doomsday-device. I’m talking about being a person who knows just what to do at any given moment, to turn things for the bad and for my own good. When I talk to people, I must restrain myself to verbally destroy those people. Before you doubt this: At the year of 14, I talked a homeless man into suicide, and talked him out of it at just the moment he was going to perform it.
I loved it.
To be able to manipulate and control people this much. You know them, and they only know the mask you’re putting on. The average human’s mind is so easy to trick, so easy to bend. Just a little research, a little practice, allow you to make people almost fear you. Ofcourse, I never did such a thing. If word got out that I’m actually not that nice guy that not a lot of people know, then it would be most troublesome for me. Thus the reason why I never let people see the real me.
Most people here think they’re evil because they don’t care about problems that aren’t theirs. I’m wondering if it makes me evil if I actually want to hear them, just so I’ll be able to might use that information later on. No, no, not in such a way. But people tend to trust you and like you more if you are that caring person that keeps in mind about what to say and what not.
Death is only the next step in live. I don’t care about others’ and my own. Where most fear Death, I do not. Does that makes me, well, weird?
I’ve never had any friends. Now, some might believe they were friends, but I’ve got no memory of being actually honestly friendly to someone. Nobody peeks my interest. My family, ofcourse, isn’t an exception.
By all means, don’t think of me as some pathetic guy that tries to freak people out. I’m not a guy that tries to make a fool out of the others. I’m just a guy, who likes to get some feedback.
Who likes to find someone who might understand him.
Some people saw some parts of me that were real. Usually, I get an aggressive respond. People pick on me, try to insult me, try to shut me out. I don’t know if it’s because of my intellect or my point in society, but it’s far too easy to find those tiny points that break them. To have such weaknessess. I’ve despised it and loved it so much. Other people can get frightingly interesting.
I feel no connection to others, or remorse. I won’t act on my thoughts, because they will cause so much boring trouble. But that doesn’t really make me a good person, now does it? Sure, I sometimes fantasize about decorating an entire building with corpses, hanging them from their ripped-out spines. And sure, I fantasize about swimming in a pool of boiling blood. But there are more, far more, people who have those thoughts. But to actually be that person, to actually having to restrain oneself in order to protect those and himself around him, with only the motive to protect himself, isn’t that great evil?
Am I evil? Or just some other kid who’s confused and frustrated about modern day society. A kid who likes to whine about him not being cool and everyone being out to get him? Because that, that would be the real true problem.
A. Evil is a concept that belongs to philosophy and religion. There is no mention of evil in the Diagnostic Statistical Manual (DSM) version 5. Every mental health disorder is listed in the DSM-5.
What you have described are fantasies of hurting other people or of actual examples of you hurting people verbally. According to your letter, you haven’t actually physically harmed anyone and have done little more than verbally attack another, something almost everyone, at some stage of their life, has been guilty of.
Your letter to me also indicates that your thoughts and fantasies focus on your power over others. Generally, when someone fantasizes or daydreams about having power they themselves feel weak. Thus they daydream and fantasize about what they want and do not have.
Power can be related to age. Children of course have no power. Adults do. The period between childhood and adulthood is all about gaining independence, gaining power.
If you were my client, the first thing that I would do would be assess the degree of power that you actually possess. Are you being picked on? Have you been picked on? Do you have major fears? If so, we would address those things in therapy.
The type of fantasies that you have described are very common with people, especially teenagers and children, who have been mistreated, abused or bullied.
Could you do the things that you have described? Yes, you have the power to do that but so do I and so do most people. Most people choose not to do it. I choose not to do it and so far you have chosen not to do it. Acting in an evil way, hurting or not hurting others, is a choice. It’s not a matter of power. It’s not as if anyone who had the power to be evil, would choose to do evil. Simply having the power to do evil does not make someone evil. Having fantasies about hurting others also does not make one evil. Having fantasies about having great power over others, as demonstrated by the harm and the control that is possessed in the fantasy, is very common in those that have been the victim and not the victimizer.
I don’t know you but I would guess that you are not evil. My guess, and without a therapeutic evaluation it is only a guess, is that you have had a rough or incomplete childhood and would benefit greatly from the guidance and insight offered to you by a good therapist. A good therapist can repair the damage and provide the missing pieces of growth that can result from a less than ideal childhood.
You’ve done nothing wrong yet. By hurting others, you will destroy your own life. I’m sure you’re aware of that. The good news is, you have harmed others only in your fantasies. You have not brought harm to others and thus have not hurt yourself.
My advice to you is to find a good therapist before there is any chance of you making a mistake that could and likely would destroy your life. What you have described is fairly common with teenagers and is easily corrected in counseling or therapy.
Please take my advice and I wish you the best of luck.
Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice Blog
Randle, K. (2013). Wondering If I Am Evil?. Psych Central. Retrieved on April 1, 2015, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2013/08/05/wondering-if-i-am-evil/