Want to Meet Boyfriend’s Children

By Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

When my boyfriend and I first meet he already had a year old son and his ex gf was expecting their second child. We been together for almost one year this coming September. Things between both of us got serious very quick, we live together now.

He is unable to see his kids on his own he always has to be around his ex gf or his ex gf family if he wants to see kids. The ex gf got in contact with me when I first got with my bf but have not since. She tried to make him look bad but thankfully we were both respectful towards each other.

Now my boyfriend and I are more serious than ever but I still do not know his kids. I knew it will take time until I can meet them but as the weeks past Im getting more and more anxious. To top things up his ex gf started taking the kids to his family house instead of having him go to her house. When she takes the kids to his family house I feel like they are in a little family get together because she usually brings both her parents with her and my boyfriend whole family is there due to the fact that they want to see the kids.

I am involve in every aspect of my boyfriends life and he is in mine as well the only part I’m still left out in is his children’s and I do not know what to do. They are currently going to court to settle the custody situation but these cases tend to take a long time if both parties are not in the same page.

I know this is stressful for my boyfriend but what I do? I want to share important events with him and he wants me to be part of it but doesn’t bring me around because he does not want to be disrespectful to her. They hardly communicate usually is through both their mothers that they arrange the meetings therefor he has yet to speak to her about me or anything else they have to talk about.

Should I try to get in contact with her? I truly just want to meet the kids and start getting to know them because I know Ill be in their life for a long time. My boyfriend and I have already discussed marriage so soon we will getting engaged.

A: Please slow down. What you are describing should be a red flag. Either your boyfriend doesn’t really want you to meet his children yet or the court has directed that he may not take the children on his own. Either situation should make you cautious. This is a man who left a woman with one small baby and another on the way. Of course the ex is trying to recover her family if she can. The two extended families are doing what they can to encourage a reconciliation, to know their grandchildren and create some stability for everyone.

As far as I’m concerned, the father should be going into counseling with the mother, not living with you. He helped make these babies. He has responsibility to do everything he can to make a home for them and care for them. However sweet he may be to you, he has lots of unfinished business with the mother of his children, the children, and his extended family. I worry that the relationship with you is a wonderful distraction for him from what he really ought to be doing.

You are only 22. You have plenty of time to find a Mr. Right. This one looks very Mr. Wrong to me. I think you should move out. If this guy goes into counseling, both with his ex and by himself, settles his court issues, has a clear and responsible relationship with his children and extended family and then still wants to be with you, maybe (only maybe), he is marriage material for you. If he doesn’t do all that, there is no guarantee that he won’t repeat the behavior and leave you and any children you might have together. Please take care of yourself and slow way, way down.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 3 Aug 2013

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2013). Want to Meet Boyfriend’s Children. Psych Central. Retrieved on October 25, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2013/08/03/want-to-meet-boyfriends-children/