Long-Distance Relationship is Fading

By Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Hi, I’ve been in a long distant relationship since June. Everything was doing fine until a couple of weeks ago, when I was venting about how my cousin betrayed my trust so he can get with the woman I was seeing at that time. She got mad and assumed I was still thinking about that woman, when I told her before that conversation that I never loved that woman, nor i’m I thinking of her. I’m just upset that my family betrayed me like that. Ok we got pass that, and then another situation occurred when I posted on facebook how I needed to change so I wouldn’t hurt her anymore. Well, one of my facebook friends saw that and completely bashed her on my post. I immediately came to her aid but that wasn’t enough. She got mad and been mad about it every since. So we went days without communicating like we use to because she stated that she needed time to get back the feelings she once had for me. So I did, but in the mist of all that I fell into a depression and neglected to tell her cause I thought it will make me seem weak. We argued about that for an hour, and that really made her mad to the point where she wanted to cut the relationship off, but I asked her to give me another chance. Now she has completely numbed herself and won’t talk to me about anything. She calls me on the phone but she gets quiet and won’t say anything. How do I get her talking again, and what can I do to make her feel the way she use to feel about me?

A: I would like to feed back to you what I am hearing. First you tell her your feelings of being betrayed and explained that these feelings are not about the other woman but about your cousin. She gets angry. You make a comment that you want to change so you don’t hurt her, usually a good thing for couples, and again she gets angry even when you defend the bashing post. You get depressed and don’t tell her – why would you? When you were vulnerable and told her you felt betrayed by your cousin she got angry. Why would you be vulnerable again? She is angry when you are vulnerable, angry when you defend her, angry when you keep your feelings to yourself. Now she is numb. Trying to please her seems to be a losing battle. I would recommend some short-term individual therapy to help you think through the value in this relationship and how you might want to deal with it going forward.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 3 Aug 2013

APA Reference
Tomasulo, D. (2013). Long-Distance Relationship is Fading. Psych Central. Retrieved on November 27, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2013/08/03/long-distance-relationship-is-fading/