My Boyfriend Lied

By Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

My boyfriend and me have been dating for 9 months. He told me he doesn’t hide anything from me and he told me he would tell me if he was talking to another girl. The other day he left his phone in my room. So I went on to his messages and saw texts with a girl he used to like. I noticed He always texted her first and he put smiley faces. It was just a casual conversation. Also, I saw texts from a girl that was his good friend. He told me that they don’t talk anymore but I noticed he texted her saying like hey what’s up! And he knows I don’t like her. My bf doesn’t like someone I talk to so I told the boy I talk to that I respect my bf and won’t talk to him. I thought my bf would do the same. So I didn’t tell him I saw these texts for a couple days. Then I confronted him to see if he would tell the truth or have an excuse as usual. So the girl he was texting that he used to like is his sisters friend so he told me he just texted her for his sister. But in the texts I saw, they didn’t talk about his sister once. And with his friend, he said he texted her to annoy her so she would stay out of his life. Like c’mon that’s a lie. Then he admitted he just wanted to talk to her. He admitted he hid it from me I think cu he said “I didn’t tell you cuz I know you would get mad”. I don’t care that much if he talks to them once in a while but the fact that he said he wouldn’t hide anything from me and did is what bothers me.

A: I would take this opportunity to explain how important it is for the trust between the two of you to have him honor his word. This means clarifying the current issue with some detail. As an example, your boyfriend might want to text others in messages and not feel he has to report to you on these incidental texts, or you might insist he not text old girlfriends. The gray area between the two on you needs to be discussed and made clear. Use the situation to advance the understanding of your expectations. Couples that evolve in this way are investing in their communication with each other – which is an investment that will be more valuable as time goes on.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 7 Jul 2013

APA Reference
Tomasulo, D. (2013). My Boyfriend Lied. Psych Central. Retrieved on October 23, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2013/07/07/my-boyfriend-lied/