Touch Repulses Me

By Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

(I am sorry for my poor english. I have been learning it only for five years)
Since I was young my only friends were allways my classmates. I talked to them only at the school and walked as far from Skype or ICQ as I could. I were with them at the school, isn’t that enough? I thought it was normal and I was just a bit shy and liked my privacy.
The same goes for touches. I don’t feel the need to cling to others. I endure hugs and kisses from my family members, but that‘s the end. When my friends are sad (though I am not really able to tell, I never was a great empathy, they need to outright cry for me to notice) the most I manage is an awkward pat on shoulder.
But now I have problem…well it may be a little cruel to call my boyfriend a problem, but I can’t help it. We have been dating for four months. All my friends always seemed excited, when they talked about dating. So I thought it would be worth a shot. So when HE asked me out I said yes. It was fine at first. You could call it „experimenting“. I tried the new things. Kisses, hugs and cuddling. I soon realized that I didn’t feel any of the „nice fuzzy feelings“ my friends described. For me it’s just skin-to-skin contact. But HE seems to be enjoying it. He clings to me like koala bear to tree and it REPULSES me! When I have him wrapped around me for more than five minutes I want to RIP his hands OF! I can’t even read romantic books anymore. When I know how the real things feel, I just skip all the „intimate“ chapters.
Just him being around me is annoying. The other day he spent three hours wrapped around me and when he offered to walk me home I had to RUN! I couldn’t bear another minute.
He says he needs to: „warm me up“ and kisses me more than normal and I want to murder him! It’s clear I don’t love him. I have never loved anyone outside family before so I can’t really tell, but I think he isn’t the ONE. But I still want to change. Someday I want children and husband. But what exactly is wrong with me?

A: It sounds like you are describing your awareness of your personality and the impact on your boyfriend. This is a very powerful thing for a 16-year-old to have awakened to and I applaud you reaching out to ask this question here. Rather than see your reaction as bad or wrong, what if you are simply learning about who you are, what you need, and what you don’t want? You are learning what works for you and what doesn’t. This is a good thing. I would encourage you to be honest and talk to your boyfriend about your feelings about him. He too deserves to be with someone that meets his needs.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 30 Jun 2013

APA Reference
Tomasulo, D. (2013). Touch Repulses Me. Psych Central. Retrieved on September 1, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2013/06/30/touch-repulses-me/