Best Friend and His Girlfriend Are Moving in with Me

By Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

My best friend lives in New Zealand and I live in California. I have liked him since the day I met him and he liked me. I always went to New Zealand twice a year for a job and we would always be inseparable and hook up while I was there but it was always as “just friends”. Although I think we have both always liked each other at least a little bit we never admitted it because there was no point. We are young we aren’t looking for anything serious and we don’t live on the same side of the world.

Two years ago our mutual friend Jess passed away and he was the one that was always by my side and I was the same for him. He tells me stuff that he doesn’t tell anyone. We cried together, partied and had the most meaningful talks and I fell in love with him.

I haven’t been to NZ for about 8 months now and he got a girlfriend who is lovely and really good for him. He called me and said they both want to move to Hawaii with me and we can all 3 share a 2 bedroom apartment. I know this sounds insane, but as much as it hurts me I’m so excited for it. I have distanced myself and tried to get him out of my life and the thing is I will never stop loving him. I was straight up with him and told him exactly how I feel. He just told me how much I meant to him, made sure I was okay and made sure it is okay if he still moves in with me. I said yes.

I can never not have him in my life, he was such a big part of me losing my friend. It hurts way more to not have him in my life than to be with him and his gf. I dont hate her and in fact she has become one of my good friends.

I am concerned about two things though, that I am stuffing my feelings down and lying to myself or me and him will still get together even though he is with his gf…

A: It sounds as if you’re being honest with him, and as long as his girlfriend knows about the intensity of the relationship between the two of you I think it is worthwhile experiment. The more important thing is for you to realize that the chances of this going well are slim. There are many reasons for this, not the least of which is the potential for jealousy on someone’s part. I think it would be important for you to honor your own feelings with this.

It does sound to me like you have strong feelings for him, they are reciprocated by him, but distance has kept these feelings in check. When long-distance relationships become powerful, close relationships, the dynamics change and feelings often change with them. I think if they are going to come live with you that you do it with an experimental attitude — perhaps a one-month trial to see if it’s all going in the right direction. Without a trial period it may be too much emphasis on having to have it work.

Wishing you patience and peace,

Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 24 Jun 2013

APA Reference
Tomasulo, D. (2013). Best Friend and His Girlfriend Are Moving in with Me. Psych Central. Retrieved on July 28, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2013/06/24/best-friend-and-his-girlfriend-are-moving-in-with-me/